He thinks I'm a cheater

[MarleyMcFadden]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We've always been very close and I while I don't think he has any intentions of ending the relationship, I am still worried and I don't know what to do.

[Post Removed]

Thanks in advance,
-Marley

[MaidenMinx]

Yes everyone lies and everyone makes mistakes. The problem here is you have been caught in the middle of a lie and yes it does make you untrustowrthy.

When my man and I had been together for only a few months he texted me one night when he finished work to tell me he was headed to the club for a drink before coming over. I called him straight back and said 'Hey, I'd like a drink too. Come get me' (not an outrageous request, work, my place and the club were all with in a 5 minute drive of each other). As I was heading out to the car to meet him I saw a girl he worked with get out of the front seat and into the back. That instantly put me on edge because he hadn't mentioned going to the club with anyone, I fully expected him to be by himself. We all went off for a few drinks, which turned into about 3 hours of me feeling like a third wheel. I told my man that night that I didn't like this girl and he told me I had nothing to worry about. Time went on and I kept trying to like this chick but just couldn't. I asked my man to have nothing to do with her outside of work. He agreed. Then I found out I was pregnant. I had an appointment with the Dr one day and went to meet my man on his break to tell him how it went. He was drinking with the girl that already drove me nuts. I ended up telling him that it was her or me. He tried to reason with me but in my pregnant state I wasn't to be reasoned with. After a few more arguments he cut ties with her. It also helped that she got a different job.

I still have trouble at times trusting my man even though this was 7 years ago. I know that he would not cheat on me and I have learnt over time that he only fibs about the minor things (eg he might tell me his casual job paid him less because he has a surprise planned for me or he might add half an hour to his finishing time so he can have some chill time without tweaking my insecurity.) He needs his privacy and his secrets (he's a scorpio) and these little fibs satisfy that need.

Your man may forgive you in time, but you have a lot to ride out. You have to prove again that you are trustworthy.

[DannyH]

"Yes everyone lies and everyone makes mistakes. The problem here is you have been caught in the middle of a lie and yes it does make you untrustworthy."

Your actually lucky he is still around so you got that going for you. Me I would of been done with the I'm home alone but really with a guy thing. Course I would of never gone over there in the first place. The webcam thing well that's just screwed up. It's ok to do it when your partner agrees and is comfortable with it but when he isn't then doing it again. I view that as cheating through and through. If he didn't it would give major suspicion to the other event. Honestly though don't hope that it will get better. No trust, and now he is treating you like crap. Should just leave. It's really not the amount of lies that is a killer. It's the severity of them. Get caught in a big lie everything you ever did gets questioned.

Honestly that guy doesn't really sound all that great the way you talk about him. I've seen that type of relationship before and well it isn't healthy for you at all

[IncognitoSir]

It's really gonna be hard for you guys to recover from this. He DOES NOT TRUST you and honestly, why should he? If he lied to you and said he was alone but actually had a chick their with him who HE KNEW had a crush on him what would you think of him? He should of broke up with you right then and their. That was the end of the trust in the relationship which is why he's been invading your privacy. That's no way to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem like you should be in a relationship right now. Their is a right way and a wrong way to deal with relationship problems and you both are going about things all the wrong way. Building trust in a relationship is fairly easy if both parties are honest with each other, but to rebuild broken trust is so incredibly hard because there's just too many emotions flying around between the two of you. I mean, he's got to be pretty hurt by the lie you told him. That makes a person feel like a fool. You say you're alone but you're actually alone with the guy who has a crush on you......that's like a knife in the heart. For an already jealous guy how do you think that makes him feel? Now he's lost a lot of respect for you. If it doesn't get better real fast, it needs to end. Honestly I think it needs to end because you guys clearly don't respect each other. It's not about you saying how much you care about him of him about you, it's about the actions you take toward each other. Look at what you're doing to each other, how you're treating each other. It's not healthy for either of you.

[MarleyMcFadden]

I honestly don't think that either one of us wants to end the relationship. Every time we fight he tells me that straight out. He wants to make me feel as hurt as he does. I just don't know how to show him that I already am :-(

I know several couples who have survived full-blown cheating, one of whom is now happily married with their first child, some years since. I don't think it's impossible and I think it's early enough in our relationship that time will heal this.

[Wakeup]

Just because one couple can overcome something doesn't mean that ALL couples can too.

Bottom Line: if you want your relationship to work then stop crossing perfectly obvious and primary relationship boundaries (those would be the ones that you absolutely know your partner would not like you doing but you do them anyway and lie about it). When you're in a relationship of the monogamous kind there are conditions that have to be met. Your love for one another may be unconditional but relationships always have condidtions that when crossed will cause you to leave someone that you still love.

[reeba]

You can't make someone trust you. You violated his trust. You got caught in a lie, and denied that you were caught.

Now my question is WHY does this guy stay with you. My guess is he likes to make you feel guilty. Maybe it ads a little drama to a hohum other wise mediocre relationship. Why else would a jealous guy let you sexcam with an online friend.

[Wakeup]

Why else would a jealous guy let you sexcam with an online friend.

My guess is he's keeping her around as a steady place to get sex while he looks for someone who he can trust.

OP: You'd be doing yourself a favor by telling him it's over because it's obvious that he can't get over the error of your ways by the way he continues to treat you. Wish him well and bid him adeau. Learn from this so you don't make the same mistake twice. You stay and he will turn this on you.

[MarleyMcFadden]

Just because one couple can overcome something doesn't mean that ALL couples can too.

No, but my point was more along the lines of: if one couple can do it, any couple can. It's never beyond reach, it just takes the right kind of people. If both people aren't fully committed to the relationship, then no it won't work, but if both people are, then it almost certainly will. The tricky part is figuring out whether your significant other is committed or not. In my case, we both most certainly are, as I mentioned several times.

Now my question is WHY does this guy stay with you. My guess is he likes to make you feel guilty. Maybe it ads a little drama to a hohum other wise mediocre relationship.

As I stated before, he's with me because he loves me and he's committed to the relationship. He likes to make me feel guilty when he's feeling shitty and that's perfectly understandable and no less than I deserved.


Overall, this board of advisers has given me the worst advice I have ever been given. I clearly said, several times, that we have no intentions of breaking off the relationship and yet somehow that seems to have been the number one piece of advice. As an adviser myself, I always try to maintain optimism as much as possible and only ever suggest a break-up in the rarest of cases. Why? Because people come to these websites to feel better, not to have everything they care about thrown back in their face.

I came here seeking the wisdom of people who have been in the same situation and come out of it okay. I came here for consolation and have received little to none of it.

You might all therefore be saddened to hear that my boyfriend and I are doing very well, there hasn't been any fighting since my first post and I know in my heart that things are going to get better. I'm not saying we're forgetting all about it, just that we love each other enough to work past it. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. <3

[IncognitoSir]

No, but my point was more along the lines of: if one couple can do it, any couple can. It's never beyond reach, it just takes the right kind of people. If both people aren't fully committed to the relationship, then no it won't work, but if both people are, then it almost certainly will. The tricky part is figuring out whether your significant other is committed or not. In my case, we both most certainly are, as I mentioned several times.



As I stated before, he's with me because he loves me and he's committed to the relationship. He likes to make me feel guilty when he's feeling shitty and that's perfectly understandable and no less than I deserved.


Overall, this board of advisers has given me the worst advice I have ever been given. I clearly said, several times, that we have no intentions of breaking off the relationship and yet somehow that seems to have been the number one piece of advice. As an adviser myself, I always try to maintain optimism as much as possible and only ever suggest a break-up in the rarest of cases. Why? Because people come to these websites to feel better, not to have everything they care about thrown back in their face.

I came here seeking the wisdom of people who have been in the same situation and come out of it okay. I came here for consolation and have received little to none of it.

You might all therefore be saddened to hear that my boyfriend and I are doing very well, there hasn't been any fighting since my first post and I know in my heart that things are going to get better. I'm not saying we're forgetting all about it, just that we love each other enough to work past it. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. <3

You, just like MANY others came here to hear what YOU wanted to hear, not the advice of us who have been trough your situation. It's working out for you two right? That's great! Will it last.....you tell us. We are here to tell you the truth, none emotionally, very rational TRUTH. You like many others hell even myself at one point did not like what these forums had to say. Nonetheless it is and was the truth of the matter. The truth is, situation such as yours OFTEN end in disaster for a relationship without trust is destined to fail. Maybe you guys can rebuild your trust, we never said that was impossible, but it's a long shot. If you think because you've been getting along well for a couple weeks puts you in the clear, you're mistaken. You can only fake it for so long. Problems don't just disappear, they have to be dealt with one way or the other. There is a very thin line between optimism and stupidity. G'luck with your fantastic relationship!

[MarleyMcFadden]

You, just like MANY others came here to hear what YOU wanted to hear, not the advice of us who have been trough your situation.

I would agree with you were it not for the fact that I said several times that I was here for the advice of people who had been in the same situation and that we were NOT planning on ending the relationship. So you're wrong and your point holds no water whatsoever.

Secondly, I never said anything about being "in the clear". I don't really feel as though you've read my posts at all. Especially (oddly) the most recent one.

If you can't be bothered to read everything I have to say before responding, at least have the courage to own up to it before giving your "advice". Thanks anyway.

[MarleyMcFadden]

On a side note, I think the idea that "relationships without trust are destined to fail" is a total misconception. People (advisers especially) use it like a shield to hide the fact that they have no idea what's really wrong with the relationship. It's the single most common excuse for why things aren't working out and in my experience, it's rarely the case. Granted, trust is important, I know couples who don't tell each other anything or who specifically tell each other not to share anything, that have been together (or married) for years and even have children. Hell, plenty of couples who are now in their 70's - 90's have lived their lives this way. Not to mention the way things were a few hundred years ago. And even recently, I'm not just talking one or two couples here, I mean lots of people do this. Really. Some people feel they need trust, others just need love and will forgive each other anything. But I guess it really depends on how selfish and jealous the people in question are.

Nevertheless, this particular man means the world to me and if he needs me to be trustworthy then that is exactly what I intend to be. Call it what you will, I will never take my love for granted.

[IncognitoSir]

Well, it seems you have all the answers. You've managed to advice yourself while seeking the advice of others. I read your posts. No one wants to hear that they need to end the relationship. People don't come here with those intentions usually, but hey, relationships end, often. You want it to work out, I understand that. Work at it, prove me wrong, prove history and basic logic wrong while you're at it. Let us know when it's all fixed.

[Wakeup]

No, but my point was more along the lines of: if one couple can do it, any couple can. It's never beyond reach, it just takes the right kind of people.

Yea... the codependent kind that take shit and abuse but never leave their abuser.

If both people aren't fully committed to the relationship, then no it won't work, but if both people are, then it almost certainly will.

You say that like it's absolute... Sorry but in your particular circumstance you are working on it and he is not. Takes both people as you've said.

The tricky part is figuring out whether your significant other is committed or not. In my case, we both most certainly are, as I mentioned several times.

You also mentioned that he's treating you like shit now.

As I stated before, he's with me because he loves me and he's committed to the relationship. He likes to make me feel guilty when he's feeling shitty and that's perfectly understandable and no less than I deserved.

How long can you tolerate his treating you shitty is the quesion because that is how long your relationship will last as long as you tolerate his punishment... he will punish until you stop him more than likely. He's got you by the female balllzzz now. All the power in your relationship is with him and that is no way to have a mutually satisfying, balance of power, long lasting and (key word here) "happy" relationship. He's going to be fine... it's you that's going to suffer.

Overall, this board of advisers has given me the worst advice I have ever been given.

Sorry we couldn't be all poo, pooing and you'll be just fine kinda comments. You need a lot of growing up to do. You appear to be used to having your cake and eating it too and that's why you jeapardized your relationship and, why you think we give poor advice. You simply are'nt hearing what you want to hear and it pisses you off.

I clearly said, several times, that we have no intentions of breaking off the relationship and yet somehow that seems to have been the number one piece of advice.

Yes, becuase you are willing to stay while he treats you poorly, makes you feel guilty, doesn't trust you and is making you suffer for the error of your ways. If he really wanted this to work out well, he would make a conscience effort to avoid making you feel guilty

As an adviser myself, I always try to maintain optimism as much as possible and only ever suggest a break-up in the rarest of cases. Why? Because people come to these websites to feel better, not to have everything they care about thrown back in their face.

You are a codependent narcissist and you'd be a very poor friend if you didn't tell your friends the truth and what they needed to do. Not what they wanted to hear. Being optimistic and being codependent and a spoon feeder are different things.

I came here seeking the wisdom of people who have been in the same situation and come out of it okay. I came here for consolation and have received little to none of it.

You'll get over it. you're delusional enough to let it roll off your back. Denial just ain't a river in Egypt.

You might all therefore be saddened to hear that my boyfriend and I are doing very well, there hasn't been any fighting since my first post and I know in my heart that things are going to get better. I'm not saying we're forgetting all about it, just that we love each other enough to work past it. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. <3

Come back next week and tell us how you're doing. Even wait until you want to go out without your guy... tell us how he handles that.

Anyway, good luck... you're certainly going to need it particularily because he didn't demand that you get councelling or make you suffer the consequences of your actions in any way at all.

I know you're still creeping this thread. *wavezzzz*

[MarleyMcFadden]

Hmm okay well I'm going to choose to ignore all of your blatant insults (for now) and try to play nice while I list all the things you're wrong about.

Yea... the codependent kind that take shit and abuse but never leave their abuser.

First of all, I can tell you're a pessimist. People don't have to be abusing each other for a relationship to last, which is what you're implying here. My original comment was that if some couples can survive cheating, any can. And that is true as long as both people want to be in the relationship. Secondly, I have been abused in a relationship and I am not afraid to leave if I have to. I am a smart enough person to recognize abuse when I see it and a strong enough person to know when it's time to walk away. Besides which, I have helped many, many girls in those kinds of situations over the years and I know when that sort of advice is necessary and when it is not.

You say that like it's absolute... Sorry but in your particular circumstance you are working on it and he is not. Takes both people as you've said. You also mentioned that he's treating you like shit now.

I think you've somehow gotten the impression that when I was talking about how things were that particular day, that I was referring to the entire relationship. He has never "treated me like shit", he acts like he doesn't care sometimes when he's pissed off but it's a defense mechanism because he feels hurt and he doesn't want me to see it. We are both working at our relationship, as much as we need to. If that was not the case, I would have left long ago.

All the power in your relationship is with him that is no way to have a mutually satisfying, balance of power, long lasting and (key word here) "happy" relationship.

I'm going to add an "If" to the beginning of that and say that I totally agree with you, but that is not the situation in this case.

Sorry we couldn't be all poo, pooing and you'll be just fine kinda comments. You need a lot of growing up to do. You appear to be used to having your cake and eating it too and that's why you jeapardized your relationship and, why you think we give poor advice. You simply are'nt hearing what you want to hear and it pisses you off.

Everyone comes to advice forums looking for something, I came here looking for stories, experiences and possibly advice (though as Incognito said I am quite capable of giving myself advice and I tend to come looking for it, only to later figure out I knew what to do all along)

Yes, becuase you are willing to stay while he treats you poorly, makes you feel guilty, doesn't trust you and is making you suffer for the error of your ways. If he really wanted this to work out well, he would make a conscience effort to avoid making you feel guilty

I resent the implication that I'm only with this guy because I have no self-esteem... or whatever it was you were trying to say here. I never said that any of the things that you're implying here were so on a long term basis. He makes me fell guilty only when I am guilty. If it didn't, that would make me a pretty shitty person. Are you telling me that if you're boy/girlfriend went around screwing other people, that you would just ignore it because you didn't want to "make them feel guilty"??

You are a codependent narcissist and you'd be a very poor friend if you didn't tell your friends the truth and what they needed to do. Not what they wanted to hear. Being optimistic and being codependent and a spoon feeder are different things.

That's three times you've used the word "codependent", as if you didn't think I'd hear you the first time. Again I think you either haven't read what I wrote or you didn't interpret it correctly. Perhaps my vocabulary surpasses yours but either way if I had meant anything other than "optimism" I would have used a different word. When you're dealing with people who are hurt or grieving, it's important to help them to see the bright side. Insulting people because you don't know how to give proper advice has rather the opposite effect.

It has been a week now since my original post, if you're genuinely interested, we are still doing rather well. Since you asked, I go out without my boyfriend all the time, which has never been (and remains not) a problem. You're painting a picture of me as some sort of, well, codependent child who can't accept reality. I'm sorry you think so lowly of the people you're trying to help. As I mentioned before, I have been counseling for a long time and as I did not mention, for obvious reasons, I'm renowned amongst my peers for being fairly good at it.

While we're on the topic of advice, here's my little tip for you; An adviser who can't spell, doesn't give the impression of being all that bright. Run a spellchecker through your messages before posting them and they'll thank you for it. ;-)