confusing break-up, relationship hasn't changed much and I want him back :(

**BaileyLA** · 05-07-11, 02:31 AM

Hi! My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up a few days ago, and I am taking it much worse than I thought possible. The situation however is very strange, and any advice you could give, or opinions on what you think he is doing would be well appreciated. Thanks in advance!

I'm 28 he's 25, and we kind of jumped into moving in together very early in the relationship because circumstances occurred where he needed a place to stay and I recently had moved into a 1 bdrm. We got along so well and were so crazy about each other we thought it was logical at the time. I was a bit wary because I know living with someone can strain the relationship that early on.

We had 3 years of good times and bad times, and a couple of arguments but nothing we didn't get over or work out. Recently our work schedules have gotten crazier, probably over the past 6 months and I know that we were both always exhausted and had less time for each other and much more stress. I've never been a demanding girlfriend, I've always been very independent and have allowed him to be as well. So I don't feel like our relationship was stressful or that there was a lot of pressure.

In the past month his long-time friend came to town for about 3 weeks. My now ex-boyfriend spent every waking second hanging out with his friend Dan. Dan has a trust fund and has never worked a day in his life, so he stays out every night until 6am and then goes to sleep and wakes up at 6pm to do it all over again. Suddenly my now ex-boyfriend was acting a little differently, he used to be pretty responsible and he has always been more of a homebody. Now all of a sudden he is late for work and making himself sick from not sleeping, and he wanted to be out every single night. It was very bizarre.
I tried to work in a special date here and there, but I understood that he probably wanted to spend time with his friend he never sees so I didn't push it. He invited me to join them, but my work schedule just made it too difficult.

So the other day he asks me if I ever think about moving and then basically very slowly that evolves into him saying he wants to get his own space because my apt is cramped. Then after much more discussion it comes out that he wants to break up. He says that it has been bad, I ask him questions because I want to understand what went wrong, but he can't come up with an answer. He says there isn't someone else, he's still attracted to me, there wasn't any definitive thing that went wrong, he just thinks maybe we grew apart and that the last month had been particularly bad. I counter that by saying that we hadn't seen each other this past month and that I didn't think we grew apart I thought that work and stress got in between us and we needed to make more of an effort. He said he didn't want to jump back into a bad relationship. I thought after 3 years we owed it to ourselves to try a little harder.

This is where it gets weird.

I tell him that after he moves out that I'm not going to stay friends with him and that there will be no contact. He starts bawling like a baby and gets really upset and says he wants so badly for us to be friends and to hang out. He states it's not fair for me to make an ultimatum like that. He then gets very emotional about strange things, he cries about how he's going to miss our inside jokes and etc.

So basically he says he'll move out at the end of the month when he finds a place. I'm still on the lease until October, so he said he'd chip in something each month to not leave me in the lurch. Then the next day he changes his mind and says he'll just stay until October, after which he wants to get a 3bdrm apt and be my roommate again, only with his guy friend as the 3rd roommate. He says we get along so well so we should live together again. Then he tells me it will be awkward because he'll be jealous if I'm dating someone else.

So the last few days have been odd. We both cried ourselves to sleep the first night, and then our lives have gone on as usual. Nothing has changed. He's still here, we still have our little morning and night routine. We still hang out and visit our friends together. But, we can't be intimate or affectionate. That's the only thing different and it's driving me nuts because I want to be affectionate with him. And I can't fathom how that is one part of the relationship he wants to cut out. It was one of the best parts.

So any help deciphering all of this or advice would be so appreciated. I can't figure out for the life of me why he still wants to do everything the same if being around me is supposedly so bad, but he doesn't want to be affectionate and that is in essence the part of the relationship that has ended. It also is weird to me that now he doesn't want to leave after all and it doesn't strike him as odd that not much has really changed.

I just want him back, and I feel like if we keep doing what we're doing now eventually our mutual attraction will start something, but I also feel that if he stays he'll never have a chance to miss me and see that he made a mistake. I'm really devastated and I wish I knew what to do to make it work.

Thanks guys!

**smackie9** · 05-07-11, 03:25 AM

Well you are going to have to ask yourself, since this relationship has taken a step backward, what kind of fututre does it really have? If anything you two should be making plans to get married in the near future....I doubt very highly that's going to happen now. So think about it, what would be the point of continuing a relatiosnhip when he would rather drop everything in his life just to hang out with this friend. Just because you love him doesn't mean you should be with him....Face the facts here, partying with his buddy is more of a priority than you will ever be to him.....being treated like this after 3 years....screw him, kick his sorry ass to the frickin curb.

**lahnnabell** · 05-07-11, 03:28 AM

He's being a brat. He expects to move out and break up with you and to ALSO have your friendship on a whim? Tell him that he'd better quit smoking crack. Ditch this little loser. He's not going to grow up until he falls on his ass. He wants to ride on his friend's coattails and pretend to be a trust fund baby too. Leave him to his delusions.