A little help?

[LoveWish]

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone gives me the pat answer of "everything will be fine". I’ve never done this before, asking for advice in a forum, but I’m willing to try.

So here is my story. I've been with my guy for about 18 months now and I'm at a crossroads. When I met him it was a surprise for me because I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was just looking to date. Little did I know I would fall in love with this man. But now I am feeling as though this may go nowhere. We both have our own lives and friends. We don’t live together but we see each other every weekend; talk during the week. We support each other in the good and bad; respect each other. We communicate pretty well (sometimes I need some help in talking about my feelings but he’s patient with that). I can talk to him about pretty much anything. Lately though I feel like all we discuss (or really all I want to discuss) is our relationship and how I feel anxious about things between us. I know he cares for me and he has trouble expressing his feelings in words (I’m learning to understand the nonverbal expressions of love) but I feel like there is an imbalance – I love him and he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m the mushy one, he’s quite stoic.

I know this anxiety is remnants of a past relationship. About 12 years ago I was with a partner for 4 years who was emotionally abusive (emotionally psychotic more like it). In the beginning he was wonderful but about a year into the relationship he slowly started to tell me that I was not enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not sexy or thin enough. And stupidly I put up with it for the next 3 years. Once I got out of the relationship I sought out therapy and had a great group of friends who help shore me up again. Once I felt strong enough I dated again. And as I said, that was 12 years ago. But this current relationship is somehow evoking the last death-rattles of something from that previous relationship and my current partner is nothing like that.

And yet I feel like I’m full of “shoulds”; if he loved me he should want to be with me all the time; if he loved me he would be oh so romantic. I know these are not realistic or accurate thoughts, but they do haunt me. Thankfully, I’m not coming across to him like that (I asked), but the flipside of that is he thinks he’s a bad boyfriend because he doesn’t do those things.

I feel like our needs are incompatible. I want to build a life with this man and live with him and he isn’t ready; I want more time with him and he needs to be alone a lot. The last thing I want or will do is bully a person into changing. But I ask myself everyday if things will change. Can he change his mind? I know there are no guarantees in life. He has been honest about his feelings and his needs and so have I. I’ve never been one to think about marriage and kids, but being with this guy, it’s what I want with him.

So what am I asking here? I’m not sure. Part of me wants to know if I’m being foolish in hoping that we can find a common ground. There is a part that is hoping whoever reads this will see something that I’m missing and say “get out now!” or “stay the course”. I know ultimately the decision is mine and no one can see the future, but I guess I’m willing to listen to other opinions to help me get a different perspective, or if anyone has a suggestion for tools to deal with conflicting needs in relationships...anything. I don’t want to push this man away because of foolish ideals and anxiety, and yet I have to do what is best for me. I don’t want to make a decision based on a standard of “shoulds” and projections of past relationships.

[Wakeup]

He has been honest about his feelings and his needs

What are his feelings and needs. You haven't described them here. Just how off your goals are his?

Also: You say he has his friends and you have yours. Are you saying that you've not met his friends or family, spent time with him during the week? Why does he not want to progress the relationship? Is it because you don't want to rock the boat and so you settle for what he wants and ignore your own? Have you taught him that you're content with putting his needs first while you both try to ignore yours?

Those are a few things to think about. If you enable a guy to be lazy, then he will take the easiest route. Particularily if he thinks your happy and content in the satus quo.

[LoveWish]

I should clarify. I have met his friends and family, and he has met mine. We are active in each others lives. We do spend some time together during the week when we can (we both work and go to school part-time) but weekends are the times we definitely carve out to be with each other. This isn't a situation where everything is about his needs coming first and mine are at the wayside. I've been clear about my needs very early on in the relationship; some he met without prompting because it is just who he is and with others he needed to learn to adapt. As the relationship is changing and growing I do let him know what changes for me which brings me to right now. I feel like the next logical step is moving in together and he's afraid; afraid he can't do it because he needs his alone time, he'll mess up the situation or he’ll hate it. He has said that his fear is not related to me as a person but his own fears. He’s never lived with a gf before (and I haven’t lived with a bf either) and he’s scared. I understand that, I’m scared too. The difference is, I probably would run headlong into doing it and he stuck in his fear.

As for his honesty about his feelings and needs I meant that he has told me he cares a lot for me, has very strong feelings for me and that he has a definite need for alone time to recharge. He’s introverted so I do understand; I’m not worried that he is cheating or being dishonest.

As for goals, we both want to build a life with someone. And we are probably working towards that but I feel like it’s not happening fast enough. I’m ready in many ways and he’s trying to get there.

I should note that this situation has presented itself in the last month.

Thanks Wakeup, you are helping me to compose my thoughts. I’m not looking to have someone enable me; I’m really looking for help in thinking about things differently.

[Wakeup]

Well, to me, your lovely relationship sounds like it's perfectly normal for the time period you've been together. You both obviously love one another and he's not neglecting you in any way. The problem seems to be your impatience.

A year and a half in the scheme of being with a LIFE mate is not a very long time to get to know someone and for all fears to be set aside. Personally, we dated exclusively for 3 years before moving in with one another and lived together for three more before we were legally married. We've been married for 30 years now :o)... My hubby too, was hesitant at the early stage of 1 year and a bit.

If I were you, I would want to make sure that he's not the type that will never want to live with or marry. I think you need to know that eventually you will both be on the same page so that conversation, when you're ready, may aliviate some of your angst if you know that he does have the same goals but is just hesitant because he's not yet ready for that level of commitment.

Good luck with him. As I said, you sound like a lovely couple. Enjoy each other and let it progress naturally.

[HeartIsAching]

Men in general are socialized from birth to not display emotions other than anger or happiness. It doesn't mean we're incapable, but we lack the emotional vocabulary to accurately express what we're feeling, AND we lack the habit of self-examination to even identify what it is we're feeling. We CAN learn, but it's difficult to do on our own.

My question for you is... have you addressed any of this with him? Have you talked to him at all about what's bothering you, and what you'd like to happen? I'm talking about honest, clear to the point communications, not hinting around and hoping he'll "get" what it is you want. I can guarantee that he can't read your mind, and if you haven't told him, he thinks everything's fine, or he knows something is wrong and doesn't know what.

I'm not saying you've said this, but the STUPIDEST thing that people say in relationships is "If you don't already know, I'm not going to tell you." That just guarantees your needs will not be met, and you're going to end up frustrated and resentful.

[LoveWish]

I have brought up my desire to live with him and he said he wasn't ready twice. The first time it was a something I just said quickly in response to a situation, it wasn't intended as a conversation or need or want. But his response was sort of panicked/dismissive and I shut it down. I brought it up again a couple of days later because it wasn't fair to myself that my initial reaction was pissing me off. I agree with you, he's not a mind reader and I do tell him when things are bothering me. I'm not claiming I do it right away or that I act passive aggressive about it. We've been not really fighting per se, but there is a tension right now for the last couple of weeks. I just feel like every time we are together we are discussing relationship issues; he's frustrated, I'm frustrated. I'm feeling like a harpy right now. I intellectually know better, but as I said, I feel like I can't get objective feedback/support from friends. Everyone wants to reassure me or I get the "well, he should just know how to be" speech. It's not helpful right now.