I'm new and so lost... please read and tell me if you'd stay...

[cassigail]

Hi everyone, thanks for reading. I will try to keep this to the point; there is just so much going on that it's hard to keep it short.

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years moved from Colorado to Indiana last September, after graduating with a BS from the University of Colorado in May 2010. I had a year of school left, so I stayed in Colorado. Well, I have now graduated, and have joined him in Indiana. My family helped me move out here last week, and everything seemed great, until...

I found naked pictures of another girl in my boyfriend's old email. REWIND. My boyfriend was a "horny teenager", so he says, and liked to meet girls online during the days of Myspace, and have them send him "raunchy pictures", as he calls them. He received pictures from this girl for years, beginning before he knew me. He tells me he told her to stop sending them when he and I got together, but he failed to delete the pictures, delete the email account, or even tell me about the pictures. We got together in December of 2008. He continued to receive pictures until April of 2010.

Now, let's back up again to early 2010; we had been together for a little over a year. One day, we were at his house (he had his old phone at this time, the phone that had the emails with the pictures), and I picked up his phone... cause I'm a curious young woman...?? Or maybe I had a gut feeling he was hiding something?? Anyway, he snatched the phone away immediately and said, "No," so I said, "What?", and he said, "That's too much." He went on to tell me that I have to trust him and if I don't trust him, why am I with him? I let him "scold" me for a few minutes, and felt like a dog with my tail between my legs. I was the bad guy; I was the one at fault. Because he had nothing to hide... when in reality, he had everything to hide.

When I confronted my boyfriend last week after finding the pictures (and my family is back home in Colorado by the time, btw), he comes home from work because he couldn't focus. He starts confessing EVERYTHING... from the very beginning. Now, let me add something in: His dad is a recovering alcohol/drug addict. So, addiction runs in his family. He mentions that maybe he has/had a sex addiction? (By the way, I called the girl; her email was the phone number because she sent the pictures from her phone. She was very nice and apologetic, but said that he asked for the pictures... my boyfriend said he asked for them until we got together, then he told her he didn't want them anymore.) I tell him I am going to get my nails done because I have a job interview the next day. He lays down on the couch, and doesn't move. I texted him while at the salon, and said how are you. He said "crappy, I want to die". I told him not to say that. He said "I don't want to lose you. I want to marry you." I said that he and the girl told me conflicting stories. He said, "Who do you want to believe?" I said, "Of course I want to believe you, but you have a lot more to lose than she does" (she is engaged now). He said, "You're right. God I don't deserve to live."

When I get home, he has scratched his stomach to the point where it is all swollen and red. He was sobbing, saying he "f***ed everything up". I told him to tell his family... he did, they are not happy with him. I have talked to both of his parents; they have been so supportive. My boyfriend called a social worker this morning and made an appointment for next week. He said that sweet, but cheesy quote from "As Good As It Gets": "You make me want to be a better man." He told me he has been thinking about proposing for a few months now, and his parents told him they'd help him buy a diamond. He said he has grown and he thinks we have grown, especially since he moved to Indiana.

There is so much more to the story... but I can't even think of everything right now. I know he loves me, and his parents assured me he loves me, BUT they are very angry with him and I have to decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. I've never been cheated on (is this cheating??), and I trusted him, and he was dishonest with me since before we even got together. How can I trust him?

I love him so much, but I am so hurt. We'll have a good few hours, and then I just shut down. I ask myself a million questions and analyze every single thing. He tells me doesn't know why he did those things, why he hid it from me, etc., and that is not an acceptable answer for me. He is hoping to find some answers by going to therapy. His parents have been through so much with his dad's addiction struggles. I want to be with my boyfriend forever, and I feel deep down that he really has changed and that he won't do it again, but how can I be sure? How can I trust him again?

I'm just curious as to what everyone would do. Have you been in a similar situation? A guy's perspective would be great, too. Was he cheating or just being dishonest? He hid it from me because, 1. he knew it was wrong and 2. he knew it would upset me.

I don't want to break up, but I don't know if we'll ever heal from this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You seem to be thinking clearly enough, and I think the mixed advice here will serve to make things more cloudy than clear. You know the facts better than anyone and you'll never be able to explain every detail of your relationship on here, so you should really just sit and think and come to a decision on your own.

[Wakeup]

.... and while you're sitting and thinking, keep in mind that he seems to be truly remorseful and is willing to get himself into therapy to figure out what is missing in HIM that he needed the extra attention of some internet skank.

I don't think men who are planning on cheating again would show the remorse and be willing to work on themselves like your bf. Normally chronic cheaters turn the bad deed back around on the girlfriend/boyfriend and justify. Your guy didn't do any of that.. in fact he voluntarily confessed. I believe statistics show that a cheat who is remorseful and confessess outright is less likely to re-offend.

Give the therapy some time to work. Eventually I suspect the therapist will want to see you as well to make sure you've learned to trust because if you can't trust then no matter what he does, your relationship will fail.

Good luck.