I Miss My Wife

[MaidenMinx]

Well, then I feel sorry you went through this experience. But you have answered my question: YOU aren't seeing your child once a month. Would you ever do this? Perhaps more to the point: did you enjoy not seeing your father? Is it what you would have chosen, given the choice? I doubt it.

Why don't you ask your husband if he would ever agree to such an arrangement?

I have already stated that all I wanted from my dad was some consistency. If he could have visited me once a month I would have been STOKED!! That regular effort would have been HUGE to me. I understood very young that my dad was never going to live with me again. I hated it when he moved interstate. But my dad didn't have the consideration for me that HIA obviously has for his son.

And no my husband would never agree to such an arrangement. That is why we consider our relationship with each other as important as our relationship with our son.

[IndiReloaded]

I do believe HIA said before he can move close to his son, he needs to wait to see where his son and his son's mother are moving to. I don't think it's easy in this economy to be uprooting every year or so. Jobs are'nt that easy to come by.

Perhaps. But how did he end up so far away in the first place?

I'm thinking that his son is just fine and totally looks forward to Dad's consistant and loving visits.

I'm also thinking that there's a lot of mountains being made out of mole hills in this thread. I'm usually the first one to go mid-evil on an absent, unloving parent. In this case I don't see proof of any of that.

And I'm thinking his son would be much happier with more frequent, consistent and loving visits. Sorry, you may be right about the loving part, but there is no doubt about the absent part.

[IndiReloaded]

I have already stated that all I wanted from my dad was some consistency. If he could have visited me once a month I would have been STOKED!! That regular effort would have been HUGE to me. I understood very young that my dad was never going to live with me again. I hated it when he moved interstate. But my dad didn't have the consideration for me that HIA obviously has for his son.

And no my husband would never agree to such an arrangement. That is why we consider our relationship with each other as important as our relationship with our son.

So, something is better than nothing, eh? Be grateful for what little he could give you? Not pissed that you deserved more and he didn't step up?

Christ, what a warped sense of values. This is what our society come to.

[MaidenMinx]

No. All this teaches the child is that his/her parent's happiness is more important than theirs. Its the ultimate in selfish. Responsible parents can certainly choose to be happy for the duration it takes to responsibly raise a child to adulthood. Or, if living together is absolutely not an option then the parents should ensure they are close by to share parenting responsibilities. In fact, most judges today will not allow a parent to move more than a certain distance away from the child unless they give up their custody rights. What kind of parent would do that, I cannot imagine.

This is exactly what is wrong with our society today. No commitment to the longterm good. People would rather believe a self-serving expert who tells them that *maybe* their kids will be "okay" with a divorce. Hell if I would take the chance that any child of mine would maybe be just "okay". How about maximizing the chance the kids are happy and successful, not gambling on it so to satisfy one's own selfish desires. Particularly at a point in life when those kinds of things should already be out of their system.

My Uncle was in a mediocre relationship in his late 20's. As he neared 30 he decided he wanted kids and had them with the woman he was with. Within a couple of years they hated each other. They stayed together for the kids. Now their children are 18 & 20. Their mother has disappeared. Just walked out and the kids are devastated. I am certain if they had broken up when the kids were young and - as you say - shared responsibility of the kids (please don't take my approval of single parents as approval of dead beat parents. It is possible to be one with out the other) she would not have disappeared.

What you don't seem to be taking into account is the amount of couples that settle for someone they are not compatible with for the long term, have children and end up completely miserable. These are the couples I am talking about. I also don't think people should jump straight to divorce. I think people should take responsibility for any shit they may be causing well before it gets to the divorce stage. If though, the couple is truly incompatible children are not a reason to stay together. Wouldn't you prefer happy parents than miserable parents? I know I would.

[MaidenMinx]

So, something is better than nothing, eh? Be grateful for what little he could give you? Not pissed that you deserved more and he didn't step up?

Christ, what a warped sense of values. This is what our society come to.

No I would have been stoked with the consistency. And yes I was pissed for many many years for him being so absent. Why do you think I am so devoted to making sure it doesn't happen to my son?

Seriously, it sounds to me like you think people should stay together for the sake of the child no matter how abusive, miserable or incompatible a relationship is. I'm just expanding your statements out of proportion just like you are doing to everything I (or anyone else for that matter) says.

What is the problem for giving a guy kudos for trying when there are so many out there that don't try?!?

[Wakeup]

So, something is better than nothing, eh?

Of course it is. Why would you think anything different? Ideally, (if the parents are divorced) regular two weekends per month would be better (that's what most divorced dads get when sharing custody) but since that's not possible at the moment the once a month and skype and telephone calls in between visits is better than nothing until dad moves closer. I'm more than sure HIA's son feels that the visits are certainly better than no visits whatsoever.

Kids, while growing up don't need to be seeing unhappy parents who argue and fight and don't show any love to one another. Even if the parents keep the arguing at bay and are staying together for the kids teach their children to be unemotional and unaffectionate because that's how they saw their mother and father (who were faking their marriage) interact with one another.

*Perhaps. But how did he end up so far away in the first place?

Not sure, perhaps HIA will share. if he doesn't I wont' blame him... he'd do well to stay away from the townsfolk and their pitchforks.

[Sonrisa]

ah, i only saw my dad a couple of times total when i was about 5, and then when I found him (it really took me about a year and had to involve russian militia to find him) he wasn't willing to keep in touch.

on the other hand check out these posts on fb between my friend and his ex-wife:

friend:
from this point on i have a fighting chance to live my life the way i should have.
transportation, education and insurance on the horizon.
child support cut in half.

ex:
Good for you. That's quite an accomplishment that you no longer have no one after you to pay your share of "support" for your daughter. Way to go "dad". I guess your social security can fulfill your obligation for your grandkids.

his friend:
I love it when ex's friend each other on facebook... Always ends well...

ex: This is a little weird.

[IndiReloaded]

Of course it is. Why would you think anything different? I'm more than sure HIA's son feels that the visits are certainly better than no visits whatsoever.

Of course. Children are desperate for their parents love and will take whatever they can get. Its the the same way a dehydrated person would be happy with 50ml of water. Doesn't mean its healthy or more isn't needed.

Kids, while growing up don't need to be seeing unhappy parents who argue and fight and don't show any love to one another.

This is the only thing I agree with you on, and not for your reasons. You seem to think this is the best that people can do. Its not. Of course, given the number of kids having kids, and many of those from broken families themselves, its no wonder this is what they think is acceptable.

But sure, lets make excuses for this behaviour instead of calling it what it actually is: a lack of commitment and the will to stick with a responsibility and choose to be happy doing it. Because it IS a choice.

Don't get me wrong, as I've said elsewhere I think there are certainly cases (abuse) where it is in the interest of both the parents and the children to separate. But those cases are much rarer than those who choose to split for their own selfish reasons and hell with the kids--they'll adapt. That's a gamble with their children's future I'm appalled so many parents are willing to take.

[Wakeup]

Of course. Children are desperate for their parents love and will take whatever they can get. Its the the same way a dehydrated person would be happy with 50ml of water. Doesn't mean its healthy or more isn't needed.

No one said that it meant that more isn't needed.. and more will be given when it's possible. I doesn't mean is unhealthy either. You have no idea how his son reacts and if he feels cheated or unloved or if he's happy as a clam. As long as his son is happy and content and has the love of both parents and feels wanted and not neglected then there is no harm to him.

This is the only thing I agree with you on, and not for your reasons. You seem to think this is the best that people can do.

I don't think its the best that people can do. I do think it's the best that OP can do at the moment though.

Of course, given the number of kids having kids, and many of those from broken families themselves, its no wonder this is what they think is acceptable.

You're punishing the OP for kids having kids and the neglect of others? He's not neglecting his child on purpose, hell he's not even neglecting him at all. There are circumstances that keep them apart for three weeks of the month. There are lots of fathers that work out of town on the pipeline etc that only see their kids once a month. My neighbours husband worked three provinces away and came home once a month for about 4 years. It was the only work he could get and he sent the money home to his wife and kids.

But sure, lets make excuses for this behaviour instead of calling it what it actually is: a lack of commitment and the will to stick with a responsibility and choose to be happy doing it. Because it IS a choice.

What? they are "reasons" not "excuses" there's a difference. I don't know the circumstances 100%, nor do you. Perhaps Op's job is of importance here as well. We all know that the States is in a piss poor economic recovery at the moment and moving would mean looking for a job that is likely not going to be readily available which means child support payments would stop as well. There is lots to take into consideration before we jump all over this man. For all we know, the ex wife moved the son away from the father. (????)

Don't get me wrong, as I've said elsewhere I think there are certainly cases (abuse) where it is in the interest of both the parents and the children to separate. But those cases are much rarer than those who choose to split for their own selfish reasons and hell with the kids--they'll adapt.

What would you have them do? Fake it till the kids are off to Uni?

How old are your children?

*Anyway, I appreciate your passion for the topic. There are certainly absent uninterested fathers and neglectful mothers and children being dragged up rather than raised and nurtured, I just don't agree that that is the case with op and his son.

[IndiReloaded]

No one said that it meant that more isn't needed.. and more will be given when it's possible. I doesn't mean is unhealthy either. You have no idea how his son reacts and if he feels cheated or unloved or if he's happy as a clam. As long as his son is happy and content and has the love of both parents and feels wanted and not neglected then there is no harm to him.

You still don't get it. Its not about 'no harm', its about doing the absolute best one can for one's children. Not 'the least' one can do, but the very best.

I don't think its the best that people can do. I do think it's the best that OP can do at the moment though.

Is it? Sorry but I completely disagree. Of course, without HIAs input we won't really know.

There are lots of fathers that work out of town on the pipeline etc that only see their kids once a month. My neighbours husband worked three provinces away and came home once a month for about 4 years. It was the only work he could get and he sent the money home to his wife and kids.

I already gave this type of example in my earlier post, WU. I also gave an example where it probably wasn't the 'best one could do'.

I don't know the circumstances 100%, nor do you. Perhaps Op's job is of importance here as well.

Perhaps. At this point I am arguing more on principle and less about HIAs specific situation. But my point is there ARE many people who would put their personal happiness against that of their kids, and the kids get the losing end of that contest.

For all we know, the ex wife moved the son away from the father.

Yes, this could be so. But if she did, this would be punishable by a court based on what I know about shared custody.

What would you have them do? Fake it till the kids are off to Uni?

If they could do it and be happy, then yes. But if not, definitely live close enough so the child can still benefit from having both parents nearby.

How old are your children?

Mine are are approaching teenage years and very happy. How old are yours, Wakeup? Do you have children?

[Wakeup]

You still don't get it. Its not about 'no harm', its about doing the absolute best one can for one's children. Not 'the least' one can do, but the very best.

I get it fine. I simply do not agree with you that op is not doing his best ... under his current circumstances.

Is it? Sorry but I completely disagree. Of course, without HIAs input we won't really know.

short of giving up his job and moving to two streets over from his ex... or reconciling with her and faking it until junior is off on his own life not caring if dad is remarried or not... nothing else would do in your opinion.. or so it seems. But that's okay, we're all entitled to our opinions and we're all on the same page concerning the well being of this little boy, I'm sure.

I already gave this type of example in my earlier post, WU. I also gave an example where it probably wasn't the 'best one could do'.

Yes, I read what you deemed approriate and unappropriate reasons for absentee fathers. The bottom line is all of those fathers are still absent. It doesn't make it any better or any worse just because they parents are still married or have divorced? Fathers seeing their children once a month, no matter why, is acceptable as long as the kids know they are loved and that Dad will be seeing them at the end of the month.

Perhaps. At this point I am arguing more on principle and less about HIAs specific situation. But my point is there ARE many people who would put their personal happiness against that of their kids, and the kids get the losing end of that contest.

No one likes a turd and I think anyone here would agree with you that parents that forget they have children, have custody even but would rather work the bars to bring home a new daddy for Jr. or give up their kid for a new mommy are turds. Op isn't being a turd.

Yes, this could be so. But if she did, this would be punishable by a court based on what I know about shared custody.

If she had a good lawyer or, his lawyer didn't pick up that she could move more than X number of miles away from him, then it would have been agreed to if he didn't fight it.

If they could do it and be happy, then yes. But if not, definitely live close enough so the child can still benefit from having both parents nearby.

Op is working on that ideal scenerio of living close by.

Mine are are approaching teenage years and very happy. How old are yours, Wakeup? Do you have children?

We have a well adjusted and loving, smart daughter who just graduated Uni and has started a wonderful job in her career of choice.

Cheers, Indi

[IndiReloaded]

Re: absent parents. Are you kidding? You don't see the difference b/t a father that is absent to support the family and one who is absent b/c he chose to live with another woman? Children certainly know the difference.

In addition to the potential moving of his ex and son, HIA has made being close to his son dependent on his new wife finishing school, or didn't you read that part? As I said, many professional couples live apart and see each other on weekends. He could totally choose to flip his model in favour of his kid IF HE WANTED TO. How about living close to ones kids until ones adult partner could join you? Or mbe the fact that HIAs new wife also has her own children from another marriage means her kids come first?

So sure. I can imagine a lot of ways this might have evolved. But, no matter how you slice this nor whatever excuses one makes for the situation, I know that his little boy would much prefer to have his dad around more than once a month. I'm sure its easy to explain to his peers at school why dad isn't ever around and I'm sure it doesn't affect him in the slightest.

[hello1]

You're an idiot. You think that is a good argument for his kid? "Well, at least I see you once a month--better than nothing"

He had his kid before he had his new wife. HIA, you have put your new wife ahead of your son. Not cool.

No you do not. His wife is important too and a lot of men with children would be single if they did what you said they should do. It is VERY UNFAIR you are saying he should not care about his wife and what she wants in life. Should he just stay single till his son an adult? not lead his own life just because he has a child?

His wife is just as important as his child, he should not have too put one before the other. He sees his child, lots of men do not and his child knows his there for him and whats going on properly.

My boyfriend has a son and I know for a fact he does not come before me, and I would not accept it if our whole life revolved around his child.

[Petit Papillon]

No you do not. His wife is important too and a lot of men with children would be single if they did what you said they should do. It is VERY UNFAIR you are saying he should not care about his wife and what she wants in life. Should he just stay single till his son an adult? not lead his own life just because he has a child?

His wife is just as important as his child, he should not have too put one before the other. He sees his child, lots of men do not and his child knows his there for him and whats going on properly.

My boyfriend has a son and I know for a fact he does not come before me, and I would not accept it if our whole life revolved around his child.

1st - He should look for a woman who will accept him AND his children and all resposibilities that come with it.

2nd - WHAT THE ****? Seriously ? You wouldn't accept if your bf's kids were before you? SERIOUSLY ??? then look for a guy who's not a dad yet!! ( or an idiot like your bf) .

What is wrong with you people??? Kids should always go before your freaking needs!! It's like if there was a daddy , new mummy, kid and one piece of bread to feed them all. We should really spread this piece of bread between new mommy and a kid? Seriously ? Kid should suffer cause New Mommy wants to be treated equally??? Seriously ,what the hell is wrong with some people...

[Petit Papillon]

Re: absent parents. Are you kidding? You don't see the difference b/t a father that is absent to support the family and one who is absent b/c he chose to live with another woman? Children certainly know the difference.

It's hard to understand the absence of a parent if the parent leave the family to support them financially... I can't imagine to be a kid and need to explain myself that my mummy or daddy still loves me even though the only reason they are far away, is because they aren't with my other parent anymore and their new partner has "something" against moving near me. This something can be whatever reason, a good or bad reason, for a child no reason makes a difference. There is a dad/mom or there's not . For a 6yo there is no "why?" . He/She will not understand any given reason.