Was I a bad boyfriend or was she at fault?

[bobjtmart]

The relationship I was in lasted for a year and I’m just wondering if I’m better off without said person.

My positives were that:
- I was trust worthy & honest
- Did romantic things
- Was spontaneous at times
- Listened when she was upset and tried to do what I could to help things
- Constantly tried to become better for her
- Talked about the problems I was having & my insecurities in regards to the relationship
- Always encouraged her with everything she did
- Never stopped her from doing anything (like going out with her friends and etc)
- Complemented her & tried to make her feel beautiful
- Never tried to change her & accepted her for who she was
- I was thoughtful
- Protective (not over protective)
- Sorry if this sounds like i’m trying to “ talk myself up “ but I’m not ugly & I’m fairly intelligent
- Got along with her family really well
- Was there for her through her hard times
My negatives:
- I was a bit insecure
- I didn't really open up as much as I could have
- A bit jealous though never to the point where i'd get angry at her or anything
- I was clingy at times and didn't give her space
- Became a bit too passive and didn't really stand up for myself/joked around too much at times
- Became a bit too predictable at times
- I didn’t completely trust her

The reason why I was insecure/didn’t completely trust her is because she left a guy for me of which something happened between us before their relationship was over so throughout the relationship I just felt that “ if she could do that to him there is nothing from stopping her from doing it to me “.
I know it was a stupid decision to try and be with someone who had a boyfriend but its just that we had a lot of history together & I never tried to take her away from him, when she talked to me about their relationship I gave her unbiased info on what she should do.
She wasn’t very honest/trust worthy person at times as she’d tell white lies & avoid saying things to “ spare “ my feelings which she knew that i didn’t want her to do that.

The reason why I became clingy/didn’t give her space at times was that at the time I had just finished school and all of my friends had either UNI or work, my best friend was travelling & I was living with my dad. My mother was about to have some other guys child & everything had just became really stressful so I just wanted to talk to her constantly to keep myself preoccupied.

I was always made an effort to be there for her when she needed me but when I needed her she screwed me over as she broke up with me 3 days after my brother had died and had already tried to do something with another guy.

For those who read all of this I’m not trying to excuse my mistakes as I know I stuffed up at times & that I could have been better, thank you to all those who help !

[blent]

Why does it even matter on whose fault it is? Now you can spend your time anyway you like, and that includes looking for someone who you can trust more.

[doppelgaenger]

When a relationship fails, both people are at fault. Don't go back and try to analyze your wrongdoings. If you think you have insecurities, you can always improve them in the next relationship.

[BeStrong]

Agreed. Don't over-analyze it, you just weren't a good match and there's no point in looking for 'fault'.

It's called a breakup because it's broken. Eventually you'll meet someone you're completely compatible with.

[ForMadmenOnly]

I do understand your need to find out who's fault it is. Its an awful feeling knowing that you lost something because of your mistakes, and it sucks to be afraid that you will do the same mistakes in the future.

All I will say is that you are on this site moarning for the broken relationship while she is probably partying. Just this shows that you were much more committed to the relationship and hence it cannot be your fault that things went bad.

Its ok to analyze stuff, its ok to hate the other person. But the best thing you can do to save youself is to go out there and socialize and meet new people. I know it is hard. But be strong and do it if you love and care about yourself.

[OmnicronPercei8]

You're continuously going to have this conversation with yourself over this for maybe years to come before hindsight will grant you an answer that you can live with. It's best not to try not to focus too much on that now, but I know that's easier said than done. I also know that the frequency that you ask yourself over the next x amount of months/years will reduce to next to nothing and out of the blue every now and then you'll come up with epiphanies of what was really wrong. Those will be the answers you can live with.

[Wakeup]

The whole thing was ALL your fault. Ya know why? Because you took her from another guy all the while knowing that you had the mind-set that "if she can do it with me, she can do it on me."

If you were smart you would have told her something along the lines of: "Obviously you do not love your boyfriend and you think you deserve better than the way he treats you or you wouldn't keep coming to me to vent about what a prick he is. When you finally get the big girl pants to break up with him, give me a call and I'll buy you a drink."

I trust you've learned a valuable life lesson this past year with her and you'll not make that same mistake ever again. Make sure you're dating someone who has fully finished with one relationship before they jump into another.

*Forgive yourself and forgive her for being so weak of character that she acted like a monkey and was unable to let go of one branch (her bf at the time) before grabbing onto the next (you).

It's over. Put it all to bed but don't forget the lesson.

[bulrush]

I just felt that “ if she could do that to him there is nothing from stopping her from doing it to me “.

Your insecurity regarding this matter was, IMO, justified.

Anyway, sounds like you two tried for a year but in the end, you weren't a good match. I just broke up with my GF. We got along really well, never fought, loved being around each other, we simply had different long term goals. Because we both had instant chemistry together, we soon found ourselves thinking about long-term goals. I will always have nice memories of her though. But it is time for me to move on.

I think you did a pretty good job at being a good boyfriend. But from what I've seen (how my girlfriends reacted to how I acted) and what I read, girls want a nice guy AND an assertive guy who sometimes says "no". Some of them also like guys who are hard to get. Because guys are naturally attracted to girls, girls rarely have to work at "getting" a guy, and sometimes they like the challenge. It sounds like you were not "hard enough to get". But I am only guessing. And really, at this point, it doesn't matter. I think you will find someone where you both have the same long-term goals.

[bobjtmart]

Thanks to all, though I think I may have had a wrong choice in words.

Its not that I'm necessarily trying to find out whose fault it was, as in the end it doesn't really matter now. I guess I just have the habit of over analysing things, I hate the fact that I screwed up at times as thinking back on some of my actions I just seemed really thoughtless and out of character at times.

I don't particularly miss her personally to be completely honest, I think I'm just being like this because shes something I can't have.
A week or so before we completely broke up we had a little fight and broke up for a few hours, though I was actually fine with It because I was sick of putting up with her crap, though we ended up getting back together because her brother talked to her and said " if you still love him then don't do this " which led to her changing her mind. I took that as her actually wanting to fix things so I got my hopes up and then a week or so later it happened and yeah.