controlling boyfriend

[vitaminwater]

I am new to this forum, but am desperate for an advice from someone.
I have been with my bf for 2 and a half year now and we have always had arguments. He is the type of person who gets angry easily. I hate arguing, I cannot deal with it!! He is definitely different from my previous bfs, but first I thought he is just crazy in love and thought it was cute that he wants to be with me all the time. I could write a book about all of it, but let me explain what happened today.
I do not go out very much, because he does not like to go out, and he does not like when I go out with my girlfriends. We do not party, it's mostly a dinner and a drink or shopping. So I don't do it ofter, I would say very occasionally. Today my friend whom I haven't seen for almost a year wanted to go for a drink, so I called him and asked him if he would be ok with it. I cannot tell him: I am going out." because his reaction would be: You made a decision to go out and you did not even ask me. You don't love me/respect me. He said: Do whatever you want to do. I knew he was upset, so I told him I would really like to go, but didn't want to make him upset. He answered: Did you not hear me? I said do whatever you want to do. I really tried to avoid an argument, so I said very nicely that I wanted to go and would be home by 9. He always asks what time I will be home. I came home and of course he was upset. He started yelling and explaining himself that he made it obvious he didn't want me to go, yet I went out with my friends who don't have bfs, so they can go out as much as they want. I told him that he knows I don't do it often, but from time to time I enjoy going for a dinner with the girls. Seriously, I go out maybe 4 times per year without him. I had to listen to the same old stuff like how I don't respect him, I don't value our relationship, I don't care about him. He got really angry, I saw I needed to back off and he left, so I called him and apologized, and told him that I love him and care about him, and as usual he said he was tired of hearing it, and that he doesn't believe it, because I don't show him that I care. I got quiet, hoping it would calm him down, he got more angry, I tried arguing with him, he got angry even more. He said some hurtful things, like I am a waste of his f...g time and I should leave him alone. I did not answer anything to that. He continued that he would be back tomorrow for his stuff and since I was not saying anything, he hung up. Normally, actually always, I call back and tell him that I am sorry and just suck it up, but this time I am really tired of doing that. I feel depressed, with no energy,no life in my body.
I know I am not perfect, but I don't do things to hurt him intentionally.But he always finds something to argue about. He always sees something in my actions, that I would never see. I don't do things I would not like him to do to me. At least that is how I see it. But I need to hear from someone not involved, whether I am wrong or not. I know this is just a liiiiiiiitle part of what I can tell you about our relationship, so it is hard to judge, but please try. I am open to anything. Thanks a lot!!!!
I forgot, he also said, as many times before, that I am the most selfish person he ever met. That hurts a lot, because I not only help him with money ( I do not earn a lot, but still pay for food or movies, even "lent him quite a big amount for school", but also changed my lifestyle for him. he does not like going out, so I stay home with him. I don't talk to my friends as much as before, because he doesn't like it. Now I came home from work and watch TV, since I am sick and tired of being home all the time. What is there to do?? he now complains that I watch tv and don't pay attention to him. But what should I do? I always ask him about his day, we talk, we laugh, but that is not going to keep me busy for 6 hours every day, sorry, it might sound too harsh, but if I see him on the computer, I am not going to stare at him.
I don't even know if I am sad or angry right now =(

[doppelgaenger]

The general consensus will probably be to break up with him.

[iamminzy]

Hey this sounds just like my ex.... I am sorry you have to experience this too. You should have broken up with him from the start... I broke up with my ex because he was hurting my feelings and blaming things on me that I don't see me ever doing to anyone. he said that I don't care or respect him, I don't listen or pay attention to him. he says that he cares about me, yet I don't even do the same for him. I know its terrible to feel that way and have someone say that to you, but I just took it as if he is crazy because I am not like that. It's really your bf/my ex that doesn't care about our feelings because they are too dominant. They're really too strongheaded and dominant for us and this is exactly why I had to call it quits because I was tired of him always blaming, getting mad at me, pointing out my problems/mistakes. I mean come on now every one has flaws... this is why we need to work together in a relationship not pointing out others mistake just to cover up their mistake and they think they don't make mistakes.

He says that I am lazy and don't see him out the door, I give him an unenthusiastic response, and I don't care about his feelings....... But Really he is just trying to be manipulative and make you feel vulnerable so you can't fight back for yourself. Well I tried to fight back a few times, but he being way too defensive and tries to reason with me in his own words and talks about me and how much he care and I don't... I sucked it up hoping it will go away until I spoke with my friends that he is being manipulative. When someone tells you to do something for example, he is telling you that you can't go out, this is a deal breaker and it should be a sign that its time for you to move on and on to the next guy who respects you. he cannot control you, he can't tell you who to be, where to go, and he can't stop you from hanging out with your friends either.

You made a decision to go out and you did not even ask me. You don't love me/respect me. He said: Do whatever you want to do. I knew he was upset, so I told him I would really like to go, but didn't want to make him upset. He answered: Did you not hear me? I said do whatever you want to do.

pssh, I heard that from my ex... he told me the same thing. He goes like, I thought I just I you. What the heck? Were you not listening? I said do whatever you gotta do. That is all i'm saying... These words are not nice and they're sort of like eh I don't care... Saying these words to you means that he doesn't care about you. I dated this one guy, and I told him that I'm going to hang out with my friends on Friday when he wanted to hang out, and I said I could cancel it. And he said, nah I don't you to do that. This is respecting someone, not telling someone not to go.

I was just like you, he was digging a deep hole for me when he tried to control me and control my feelings. He always got mad at me for every little thing I did. I ignored him becuase I get shy not because I don't want to answer. I can't say iono, his response will be: How could you not know? just answer yes or no... If it was the other guy, he would say make a suggestion of where he wants to eat... Not force an answer from you... I didn't like how he forced an answer from me and he complains that I ignore him. He got so mad one time that he was throwing his clothes, stomping on the floor, walking around like a mad guy. it made feel like I was wrong. he got mad cuz I played facebook games on his computer and he told me to go to his bed and we just started dating and I said no because I am shy and scared too. But he's too dumb n dense to understand how a girl feels. he always said that I need to tell him what's on my mind because he's not a psychic. The basic thing a guy needs to know is give a girl some rest and space, but people who is way too controlling doesn't know when to stop or give someone space or even know what's going on.

I was just like you too.. We never really went out much because he isn't that rich and I understand that. We usually hang out with friends or go shopping together.. He never took met to watch Toy Story 3 even when I said it so many times and he said he wanted to watch salt and also he said he wanted to wait until another Fandango ticket deal... He never went to Fishermen's wharf with me after I said so many times that I want to go because he says its boring, there's nothing to do. name one thing that we can do. And I said we could walk around, see the view, and take pictures.... he said no. So I went by myself and I never told him I went because he doesn't need to know. You need to stand up to people who are manipulative otherwise they will keep controlling you.

I never ask for his permission, I go anyways even if he doesn't want me to go. I don't care, if I want to go to a certain place and he doesn't let, I do the opposite as I do with my parents. The more someone says I can't do this or that, I do it anyways because I am that rebellious haha.

[iamminzy]

He complained that I never invited him when I was out with my friends... kinda of too clingy and needy don't you think. He's the type of guy that likes attention and one those I want to be invited kind of guy because it means people like him and he wants people to like him. I mean seriously? Do I need to invite you? I need my own time my own "me" time with my friends and what he's gonna do with an all girl get together? I told him I was going to sing karoke with my friends and he said he might go but he doesn't want to see this one girl who we both think is crazy. it was his fault for saying maybe. I went with him anyways. My friend told me to call him and I asked if he was coming and then i called back and told him not to come because I did not want to see him afterall because he will be a pain in the butt and I didn't want to face him. He also complained that I did not invite him out with my friends whom I been friends with since like middle school. I did not want him to come either and besides they are my old school friends. Why do I need to invite him?

My friends never liked him one bit and one of my best friend wanted to punch him because he was talking too much and being really annoying... This is why I don't talk to him much because he talks like a nerd and a know it all and so this is why people don't like him. he asks weird questions and talks weird that no one could answer his question or even wants to answer.

Well in the end of relationship. I drew the line and I said we need to break up. He said why? And I said because we're not talking much. And he said how so? He still doesn't see that we're not really talking even after my finals were over, we still didn't talk. he still thought that it was because of my schoolworks that made us talk less with each other, but it was really me who did not want to talk to him. Sometimes he didn't even call me or go online. He would get mad at me and not go online to talk to me. Like I said I used to apologize when he got mad at me but then I thought this is ridiculous because he's acting like a little girl, always wanting his own way, and acting like a kid who always throw tantrums. I remember this one time he got so frustrated that he said argg! when we argued... and I just stopped talking to him until he calm down.

But anyways during the break up, I had to point out his mistakes I had no choice because he just didn't get it that we weren't very happy. he thinks he's happy but I am not. He's sucking up my fun and happiness out of me and this is how manipulators do. They talk trash about you, say you're worthless, and talk sh** and in the end it makes you feel weaker and you can't retaliate. I tried to explain to him that I specifically asked him to go watch Toy Story 3/fishermen's wharf with me so many times and he said no... And being the defensive self he is says that, you think I wanna go shopping? Well I hate it. Whenever I went with my mom/sister, I always asked can I go now? I told him I know he doesn't like it but we can always do something else and I told him I don't to go shopping all the time esp if someone is disinterested; it's no fun at all. He also says that do you think I wanted to go to the amusement park? I went because you wanted to go. I did it for you. They always say that they did for you and yet you did not do the same for them. It's always like that.

Then I just told him you know what you're best didn't want to go and that was because he was scared of heights, but he was willing to go because his gf wanted to go and he was able to take up his courage to go on the roller coaster one time. He misunderstood and said that it's because he's rich. i ain't rich there I said it... He still thinks that I think he is cheap. Well he is.. but I don't mind because I really don't mind as long as we can be together, but he's too dense to know what's going on. He sent me message later on saying that he was mad at me for the whole break up and how I blamed him for the mistakes and I didn't do anything wrong and how I told him at the end about how I felt.

I know its hard to tell someone straight up what's on mind especially if that person is manipulative you are scared to get into this conflict and cause drama but it needs to said or else he will manipulate you forever. Have courage and tell him now, you do not want to be with a man like that who shows no respect for you.

[Stix]

This post has made you sound like you let him walk all over you. Don't be a quivering wreck of a woman. Be strong. If you want to go out with your friends you don't have to ask ANYONE for permission. Noone. It is your life. You boyfriend is a controlling mind freak and i Cannot stress how dangerous that is. But you are letting him do it to you.
He kicks up a fuss because he wants you to apologise and beg. it's disgusting.
Real boyfriends let you do what you want, you should never ask permission and be home at 9 it is literally ridiculous.
Break up with him now. This will carry on until you have no friends left and you are stuck with just him.
It's a type of emotional abuse.

[vitaminwater]

well, it seems like he broke up with me last night over them phone by telling me to leave him alone... I called him today, he was still upset and since he continued with the same bulls...t, I kept quiet, so he told me either to say what I got to say or bye, andI said bye and hung up.
How is it possible that we love someone even though he/she treats us badly??? =(
I spent over 2 years trying to build something that I thought would be my future...

[iamminzy]

Vitaminwater, if you cannot tame a tiger, than I suggest you don't try and tame them because they fight back, they are aggressive, pride and arrogant. Once you do something they don't like they will just be really defensive and mark their territory because they think they you're stepping on their turf and they want to control you. And since you have proven yourself manipulative, they will continue to do so. I suggest not calling him or contacting him until he calms down and tell him straight up what's on your mind. But honestly I never spoke to my ex face to face or through the phone. I knew he was gonna be defensive and he's not gonna listen to me and get angry at me. So I told him online just to get it over with. I was already with him because he was like Stix said emotionally abusing me and he is doing that to you. He does not want you to hang out with your friends because he wants to keep you by his side and make him you're only hope and he's all you got. But come on now, we're here to make as many friends as we want and no one can stop us from making friends or hanging out with them. if he is like that, then I am sorry but he's a jerk and very immature. People who are control freaks are way too immature to know what's going on.

You need to be strong and mark your own territory. Your territory is yourself. By saying territory it means that you need to be protective of yourself and defend yourself. Only you can do that. This guy is way to protective and he sort of acts like your father and that is not ok. he is not your father or brother, so he cannot tell you who you are or who you want to be or who you can hang out with.. You are You.

[Lolita1990]

Vitamin,

Sorry buy this guy is no good for you, he is obviously just possessive/jealous and wants to control you. Why isn't he letting you go out and have with a couple of GIRLfriends? Come one, they're not even boys!
In a relationship the most important thing is trust, without no trust you cannot have a relationship. It sound may harsh, but the best thing is to just let him go. My girlfriend goes once a month out with friends, what's the biggie if you trust her?

[TheTooya]

well, it seems like he broke up with me last night over them phone by telling me to leave him alone... I called him today, he was still upset and since he continued with the same bulls...t, I kept quiet, so he told me either to say what I got to say or bye, andI said bye and hung up.
How is it possible that we love someone even though he/she treats us badly??? =(
I spent over 2 years trying to build something that I thought would be my future...

From the looks of it, it sounds like he did you a favor. Take some time to recoup, if he tries to come crawling back, DONT FALL FOR IT.

Good luck, god speed.

[jaded74]

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a young girl named "Me". One day "Me" met a boy, who was very kind, and funny and always told her how beautiful she was, and that she was his one true love. The one day "Me" decided to go an spend the night at my friends house for drinks and movies. After arriving, the lovely boy called "Me" and told me if I ever disobeyed him and left without his permission, he would make sure next time I left the house, I would be on wheels, not walking. "Me" said "oh, well then I guess I better not come home then." , rang my cousins to collect my things and never spoke to him again, EVEN when he 1) Pushed me down stairs, 2) stalked me and 3) called me begging for me to forgive him and believe he is changed. And I lived happily ever after - see where I am going with this - don't get suckered in - there are better guys out there trust me.

[vitaminwater]

thank you all for you posts and support!!!

[ctr916]

In my opinion, you could hold him accountable for his own words:

He said: Do whatever you want to do.

If he did not mean that, he should not have said that and not expect you to accept his permission to do what he said you could do. He has no real reason to be angry for giving you his permission, even in that manner.

Alternatively, you could ask some of your girl friends who may be bored to keep him company whenever you go out, to try alleviate his "anxiety" regarding you going out with friends.