Boyfriend and his Best Friend

[GirlatSea]

Hi there. I'm new.

I don't usually post on these, but I'd really like some advice right now.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we've known each other for about 6 years. We love each other very much, but being sensitive to my feelings is not one of his strong suits. Though he is 31 and I am 25, neither of us have very much experience in serious relationships. So here I am.

He has a best friend, who is a girl, and she lives out of town. I know this girl (she also has a boyfriend) and I like her alot. We aren't really close, but I think she's really cool. My boyfriend (lets call him Sam) and this girl (lets call her Sue) visit each other often. She is in town now, and I recently brought up the question of if they sleep in the same bed when she visits. Sam replied that they sleep wherever is convenient, and that they have fallen asleep together in a bed on several occasions. He explained it was nothing more than a "sleepover" vibe and that their friendship is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Now she's in town, and we all made plans to go to an event after i got off work. I ended up getting signals crossed and left out of the whole ordeal. The two of them stopped by my apartment at 11pm that night to bring me a "present" of a dvd i wanted, and then they left to go to his house. He lives with a grandmother, whom this girl is very close to, and she wanted to visit her.

I don't know how I should feel about this. I've tried to be understanding, and I honestly do think that there is no infidelity going on.

I guess I also believe that intimacy does not always = sex. And this level of intimacy feels inappropriate. Thoughts please?

[tremolo]

My boyfriend and I recently broke up over a similar scenario - mine was not, however, planning to sleep in the same bed as his female friend.

I feel it's inappropriate for any boyfriend to behave in such a way with someone other than his girlfriend. I think it shows a lack of boundaries, and a lack of respect for the relationship. But that's just me.

[Wakeup]

Agreed... It's a total lack of respect for your relationship and a cross of a very fundimental relationship boundary. Sleeping in the same bed should be special.. something done between bf/gf husband/wife etc.

I think you have every right to be upset and If it were me... i would not toleratate it. He has every right to sleep in the same bed with her if he wants but he would not have the right to do that and keep me too.

[IncognitoSir]

Yup that's a deal breaker for meas well. Their is NO need for them to sleep in the same bed. Two adults should be able to make a better decision. Shame too, both of them are in a relationship. I wonder what else they do that inappropriate for people in relationships.

[Bella82]

Have you told him how you felt about her sleeping at his place when she visits? I was just thinking to myself if that happened to me when my boyfriend and I had been together a year and thought, There is no way in hell I would like that!! If it bothers you, I would definitely speak openly with him about it. Guys sometimes have no idea that things like this might bother their gf. Or they also do not see that boundaries between them and their female friends need to be set. I promise it will feel like a load off your shoulders! Good luck

[GirlatSea]

i have told him, and he agreed to find somewhere else to sleep from now on. But he did make me feel like my request was due to the fact that i didn't understand the fact that his friendship with her is harmless. I wish he could understand that HE crossed a boundary, rather than just ME being upset about his friendship, which i am not.

[IncognitoSir]

The problem is that they both fail to realize that their friendship boundaries must adjust to their relationship boundaries, not the other way around. Sure they may be best of friends, but a best friend relationship boundary comes second to a romantic relationship boundary if that makes sense. In other words they want the cake and they want to eat it. For some reason the word selfish comes to mind as well.

[tremolo]

i have told him, and he agreed to find somewhere else to sleep from now on. But he did make me feel like my request was due to the fact that i didn't understand the fact that his friendship with her is harmless. I wish he could understand that HE crossed a boundary, rather than just ME being upset about his friendship, which i am not.

You're lucky he accommodated your wishes. When I asked mine to make alternate sleeping arrangements, because I was not comfortable with his friend sleeping over in his apartment, he made me feel bad about it and then he dumped me. At least your boyfriend has enough sense to do what makes you comfortable and spare your relationship, whether he feels you're being reasonable or not.

[Bella82]

You're lucky he accommodated your wishes. When I asked mine to make alternate sleeping arrangements, because I was not comfortable with his friend sleeping over in his apartment, he made me feel bad about it and then he dumped me. At least your boyfriend has enough sense to do what makes you comfortable and spare your relationship, whether he feels you're being reasonable or not.

Tremolo, I think you're lucky you found out what he was like earlier on, ya know?? Who wants to be with someone who isn't mindful that they're in a relationship, and therefore has someone else's feelings to consider besides their own. I would *love* to know what he would say if the situation were reversed and you had your best guy friend sleeping at your place. I can't imagine he'd say, Enjoy honey! See you tomorrow!! Seriously, cheers to having the chance to find someone more ohhhh . . . respectful, considerate, cool, fun and a one-woman bed sleeper!

[Bella82]

i have told him, and he agreed to find somewhere else to sleep from now on. But he did make me feel like my request was due to the fact that i didn't understand the fact that his friendship with her is harmless. I wish he could understand that HE crossed a boundary, rather than just ME being upset about his friendship, which i am not.

Humm . . . whether you totally understand the depths of their friendship or not, you've got a right to feel the way you do. Sometimes our men don't fully get it until the tables have turned. Not saying this in a get-even way, but just tossing that idea in there!

[tremolo]

Tremolo, I think you're lucky you found out what he was like earlier on, ya know?? Who wants to be with someone who isn't mindful that they're in a relationship, and therefore has someone else's feelings to consider besides their own. I would *love* to know what he would say if the situation were reversed and you had your best guy friend sleeping at your place. I can't imagine he'd say, Enjoy honey! See you tomorrow!! Seriously, cheers to having the chance to find someone more ohhhh . . . respectful, considerate, cool, fun and a one-woman bed sleeper!

You're right, Bella. I didn't need to be in a relationship with someone so self-centered and proud. He even admitted he wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed - however he claimed he would trust me enough to deal with it. He said I should have trusted him not to do anything. And I did basically. I just didn't trust the other girl, for some pretty good reasons I think.

It still really stings, though. I feel like it was such a stupid thing to break up over. I know that wasn't the sole reason for our breakup, but it was the final nail in the coffin, and I just feel like it was so incredibly stupid.

But oh well. I really should look at this as an opportunity to go find someone better. I need to keep reminding myself that this is his loss, and one of these days he's going to look at his sad, lonely life - or perhaps some new girlfriend who is making him miserable - and think, 'My god, what have I done??'

[Bella82]

You're right, Bella. I didn't need to be in a relationship with someone so self-centered and proud. He even admitted he wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed - however he claimed he would trust me enough to deal with it. He said I should have trusted him not to do anything. And I did basically. I just didn't trust the other girl, for some pretty good reasons I think.

It still really stings, though. I feel like it was such a stupid thing to break up over. I know that wasn't the sole reason for our breakup, but it was the final nail in the coffin, and I just feel like it was so incredibly stupid.

But oh well. I really should look at this as an opportunity to go find someone better. I need to keep reminding myself that this is his loss, and one of these days he's going to look at his sad, lonely life - or perhaps some new girlfriend who is making him miserable - and think, 'My god, what have I done??'

I completely understand the feeling of seeming like you're breaking up over something so silly, but in the long run, it may have been something else or some other situation. I broke up with my Ex, standing in a French maid Halloween costume in front of Disco Catwoman and Dina the Dominatrix.. all done over a cell phone! I just freaked out and it all kinda came out then. That probably sounds (and it looked!), very funny, but in reality, that was supposed to happen. Because if it wasn't what happened on Halloween.. it would've have something else!

I'm sure it does still sting b/c it's a personal blow. My ego has suffered too!! But you'll realize after you meet someone else that you are SO much happier. Easier to linger on the past when you're not in the future yet And although he might regret his mistake, you won't care.. you'll have moved on.