What decision to make?

[bamathrasher]

Because the post is going to be incredibly long, and I apologize in advance for that. Like most people who probably find their way to this site, I have a lot on my mind and a lot of frustration and confusion to let out of my heart at the moment, and I literally can not talk to anybody about it so this is my release. I'm writing it here instead of to the parties involved, because that always ends poorly. So where do I begin? I guess the beginning would be good.

Six years ago I met the girl of my dreams at work(I will call her B), but I was in a relationship at the time. I was 19 and she was 17 about to graduate high school. Long story short, my current gf cheated on me with my best friend so that relationship came to an abrupt stop and I was single. There was B, she was complete polar opposites then my last girlfriend, not controlling, not jealous, very fun to hang out with and hilarious, a real simple girl that can be just as classy drinking beer as if she was drinking wine. I asked her out immediately and we started dating. We dated for 1 1/2 years and in the end I informally proposed. I told her my intentions, which at the time consisted of going into business with my father and expanding the operation in a different location and having her move with me shortly after graduation. She agreed and seemed ecstatic about it. I was shopping for a ring and I guess she changed her mind. She started to distance herself emotionally, and I made the mistake of trying to draw her back in, which in turn pushed her farther away. We ended up seperating. At first it was a mutual thing, but after a few weeks I knew I didnt want to go through life without her. It was too late, her mind was made up.

Every relationship I have had since has always fallen short, and I can't seem to stop missing B. I completely cut her out of my life because I knew it was the only hope I had to move on, deleted her from facebook, removed her number from my phone, didn't do so much as to even mention her name for 3 years. We randomly started talking after her brother passed away 2 years ago and I invited her to be my date at 2 weddings. The first wedding was a blast and we had a great time, the second wedding I went to get her a drink and came back and met her on the dance floor and caught a glimpse of her phone texting some guy saying she couldnt wait to come hang out with him. I ignored her calls and texts for a week before finally asking her to meet up and telling her that I couldn't handle sitting there watching her date other guys. We didnt talk again for a long time.

Along came the girl I managed to stay with the longest after B (I will call her S). We dated for over a year and like B's predecessor, she was polar opposites from B. She was deep and wore her emotions on her sleeve, where as B had a troubled childhood and is way more emotionally reserved. She wanted me and wasn't afraid to show it every day. Admittedly, it was a nice change after never knowing what B was thinking while we dated. Last November, I purchased a new vehicle and my best friend and I always were working on cars together. Shortly after I got the vehicle, I bought a few new parts for it and drove down to my best friends house to do the install. [Brief sidenote: B and I played matchmaker with her best friend and my best friend and now they are engaged and have a house together.] Come to find out, B was living with my friend and his fiance due to getting screwed by her previous roommate. We had a great weekend, laughed the whole time, and all kinds of feelings came rushing back. Things weren't the same with S and she could sense it. She knew about B and how that flame was still burning deep down inside. We made it another 4 months before the shit hit the fan. I wanted to try to pursue something with B again. I justified it ending the relationship to myself by saying "you only live once, go for true love."

So heres the current situation and a slight summary: B and I are talking regularly, but I have never been able to read her signals like other girls I meet/have dated. She tells me she still cares about me a lot and I believe her, but I don't know what those feelings mean. She constantly complains on facebook about being nearly 24 and single (in the south these crazy people are married by like 19, its the norm), yet when we hang out she seems really happy with me, but stand-off'ish at the same like, like as to not send a relationship vibe? For example, the four of us got a beach condo for 4th of July weekend (me, B, my friend and his fiance). Although we slept in the same bed all 3 nights, it seemed to me that any chance I got to be close to her, like sitting on the couch watching a movie, she seemed skittish. I really tried my best not to be pushy, as to not push her away. I discovered this weekend why I like her so much compared to every other girl I've ever dated. Every other girl seems to be so open and forthcoming with their emotions, I can read them like an open book. B makes me question everything about myself, it's like a fresh adventure with her everytime we hang out because I can't read her, but it can be frustrating too and I wish I wasn't attracted to that quality.

Now it's put me in the predicament I am in. S was crushed when we broke up, I feel like I am to her how B is to me, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. S is the type of girl who I know loves and cares about me, would do anything for me and has done a lot for me. She helped me find a place to live recently when I was working too much to look on my own. B is a game of Clue, and I don't know if I can solve the riddle. S wants me to cut B out of my life and try things again with her, my heart clearly wants B but my rational head is asking why?

Do I choose to follow my heart and risk getting crushed (again) and end up alone, or take the safe road and go with the girl who I know wants me?

P.S. Reason I said I couldn't talk to anybody about this is, my mother and sister are major girly girls, into beauty pageants, the works. Since B was more of a "one of the guys" personality, they weren't close like my other gf's and my mother. My parents don't care for B very much, so talking to them is ackward and my mother loves S because she is a girly girl and I feel like that's biased. Talking to B directly I'm afraid will scare her and push her away, so I'm holding off on the emotional talk as long as I can. Because my best friend is engaged to B's best friend, I know he feels like I throw him in the middle everytime I bring it up, so I'm stuck and I'm here asking for help.

P.S.S. Incase you couldn't tell, my mind is working a million miles an hour right now about 25 things, I'm sure I'll add more to this later as it comes to me.

[bamathrasher]

anybody care to weigh in on this?

I met up with S last night and told her I couldnt cut out B at this point in my life, and she gave me the ultimatum. It didnt end well.

[Unimare]

Gosh.. you must of course realise that no one can tell you what to do, that decision must come from you. But we can help you analyse the situation a bit..
The way I see it, there is no resolve for your relationship with B, she is always gonna be the one that got away, the one that could have been if things had gone differently. Every other relationship in your life is like settling, accepting second best. And no one deserves that. So in my opinion, you at least need some sort of closure with B before you can move forward with anyone else.
Second, you need to thoroughly analyse what it is about B that makes her so special. You established one thing, that unlike other girls, you can't seem to be able to read her like an open book. How does that make you feel? Insecure? Does it make you question yourself? Or thrilled? Does it seem more adventurous to you? What is it about that situation that seems more desirable than other girls who are more predictable?
Then think what it can really mean. Perhaps her reserved emotions indicate that she doesn't trust you enough, or anyone, even, to be able to fully commit to a healthy relationship.. do you want to constantly be questioning her feelings for you? Or do you see it as a kind of temporary challenge, until you fix her and get her to be more open?
Why did you break up in the first place? You were very emotionally invested in that relationship, so what kind of an explanation did she give for ending things? And where does she stand now? At some point you will have to discuss these things with her..

[bamathrasher]

Gosh.. you must of course realise that no one can tell you what to do, that decision must come from you. But we can help you analyse the situation a bit..
The way I see it, there is no resolve for your relationship with B, she is always gonna be the one that got away, the one that could have been if things had gone differently. Every other relationship in your life is like settling, accepting second best. And no one deserves that. So in my opinion, you at least need some sort of closure with B before you can move forward with anyone else.
Second, you need to thoroughly analyse what it is about B that makes her so special. You established one thing, that unlike other girls, you can't seem to be able to read her like an open book. How does that make you feel? Insecure? Does it make you question yourself? Or thrilled? Does it seem more adventurous to you? What is it about that situation that seems more desirable than other girls who are more predictable?
Then think what it can really mean. Perhaps her reserved emotions indicate that she doesn't trust you enough, or anyone, even, to be able to fully commit to a healthy relationship.. do you want to constantly be questioning her feelings for you? Or do you see it as a kind of temporary challenge, until you fix her and get her to be more open?
Why did you break up in the first place? You were very emotionally invested in that relationship, so what kind of an explanation did she give for ending things? And where does she stand now? At some point you will have to discuss these things with her..

Thank you for taking the time to read my situation and put some input in, I really do appreciate it. I think you pretty much nailed it with your post. Not to be cocky but every other girl I've dated has fallen head over heels in love with me and I think that's what turns me off about it. On one hand, it's nice to outright know that someone cares but there is no challenge there and I dont know if it is complacency or boredom or a mixture of both, but I always wind up chasing the one that got away as you put it. I don't do this to hurt the other girls I've dated, it's not an intentional act, the last thing I want to do is to hurt someone, but I always felt the only way to move on from B was to try to force myself into other relationships.

It sounds downright dumb for me to say I do want to be questioning her feelings for me constantly, what kind of person would enjoy that? Surely that can't be what attracts me to her, and if it is, I'm afraid I'm doomed to be alone forever. The way she is so introverted with her feelings and emotions does cause me to question myself, am I funny enough, am I good looking enough, etc. While with other girls I am way more confident and comfortable.

When we broke up, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I always looked back on how I had behaved in the relationship and saw myself just as clingy and needy as the girls I don't enjoy dating now. I always thought with another chance I could change that, because with other girls I was never as needy or clingy. Spending the weekend with her I realized it's not me, it's the insecurity she brings out in me. Constantly battling for her love and affection, because it is something to fight for. I don't think thats a good thing, as even though I'm more mature and knowledgable than I was before, I fear I could still get clingy if we do start dating again.

[seeker1]

You slept in the same bed 3 nights in a row- do you have sex with her? If not, did you try and get rebuffed? Tell us more.

You lack enough confidence in yourself to be with this girl. My advice would be to go work on yourself- job, sport, fitness, other hobbies, (activities are huge!) and get yourself to a point where you have a well-rounded life that she would want to be a part of. Based on what you've written you come across as a love-struck teenager who really is just clinging to the notion of her more than the actual her.

If you and B really had a connection it would be shared. Love is a two way street. You don't love someone if they don't love you back back. That's just lust, obsession, or longing. Not healthy.

There are no clear signs that you and B have any sort of spiritual bond either.