8 years of true love and now he is gone...

[manu85]

Grrr, hate these message boards, just typed a reply but got logged out...

Well, a summary of what I said (sorry, really tired, should go to bed):

I'm really feeling your pain, emotionally you're going through the hardest of times now.

I think your dogs are indeed really important to you, but on the other hand: a new environment to live in might be helpful too. You'd leave memories behind in your house and you'd have to focus on cleaning, arranging, creating the new place, which would be good for you.

Rationally, you're still doing the right things. Feeling hate is normal, esp. in this very first stage. Try to find reasons for yourself to let go of that hate, and let begones be begones. Slowly try to let go of the hate, although the next months, that will be very difficult. I also think you might see things too black-and-white and you are probably viewing his life right now as a lot more perfect than it actually is. Anyway, his life doesn't matter anymore (sorry for sounding harsh maybe).

Go Kyeema! Don't let that head hang. You're on the right track, but this is definitely the toughest part. Keep hanging on, and think of the day when you will look back and have a laugh about how much you were grieving and letting yourself drive crazy by a love that didn't deserve you.

Take care,

Manu

[Kyeema]

Thank you for your posts, pisces and Manu! You're helping me a lot.

If I saw any chance of moving to another home I'd do it instantly. I know how important a cozy home is to me, I had one before I met my ex and it was the first time in my life I recovered from my illness (depression). I know that I need a basis like that from where I can handle life "outside". The big problem here is that I need money for doing so and I don't have any money.

By selling this house I wouldn't even get enough money to make a down-payment for a nice house where I could feel at home in and houses I would be perhaps able to afford are in an even worse condition than mine - you couldn't even move in. And there is unfortunately also a chance that my house here nevers sells.

I also can't afford renting a place and nobody rents his place to someone with 3 dogs anyway, believe me I tried. So I'm really stuck here.

My financial situation is really bad. Due to my severe depressions I haven't been able to work for the last 3 years. I only get a small pension which is hardly enough to live on. I would like to work for a few hours a week just to see how I would cope and gradually work up to full-time, but I am not allowed to - I would lose my pension immediately and that's it. My bank accounts are overdrawn and I have an old loan running (both happened when I was together with my ex, but only on my name - he wasn't able to sign anything because he then was already being executed for his old debts).

I know that I am not able to work full-time yet, some days walking my dogs takes all the energy I got for the day. Those of you who suffered from depression know what I am talking about. I am very proud of myself that for the last 3 months I have managed to force myself out with my dogs every day no matter how I feel and that's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself at the moment because I can see how much they like it. If I didn't have them I wouldn't get out of bed at all. I am tired all the time, the smallest things feel like I have to climb Mt. Everest, I am constantly scared and worried and the only time I find some peace is when I sleep, so sleeping is the only thing I really like about life. Unfortunately my worries and anxiety are starting to keep me awake or I wake up from them during the night sweating and my heart racing. Yes, I do have a therapist and am in medical treatment for all that. But it doesn't seem to work.

A part of my depression is endogenic, but I have also realized that the rest developed when I was with my ex because I constantly surpressed my feelings so I could be with him inspite the many things I disliked or didn't approve of. I am the perfect example of a woman who loved too much und lost herself in the course of events. In my relationship I always supported him, was there for him, always ready to do something together no matter how bad I felt. And I had learned that confronting him with things that weren't okay with me did only lead to him withdrawing and being offended so I started to keep most of the things to myself. I couldn't change them anyway. And he would neither no matter how many times I told him. I loved him so much that leaving him was no choice for me. And I think then in the past few years it was also that I knew I couldn't handle the whole house, dogs and living situation on my own and I hoped for things to get better when he finally had his job. He always told me: Take your time, recover, in the meanwhile I will provide for us. When he was unemployed I was working and provided for both of us. But then I had this burn-out 3 years ago (I was an IT-trainer) and had to quit. But for him I always mobilized all my preserves. Now I have to learn to use them for myself.

I know all that but still I don't see my way out. That's the sad truth.

Added comment:
Manu, you may be right... I am probably seeing things too black-white now as far as his situation is concerned. But still HE wanted it like that, he wanted to leave so I'm not really able to feel sympathy for him.

[Kyeema]

My favorite and last uncle died on Wednesday. My emotions feel like an avalanche. Not only because I miss him and I am very sad that he is gone. It's also that he and my aunt were together for 49 years, 46 married... 49 years and they were happy together even when they were going through hard times!!! That's what I always wanted to have. A partner for life. Someone to spend the rest of my life with, have a family with.

And again I feel so betrayed because I believed my ex was the one and lived accordingly. And now he is gone. It must be incredibly hard for my aunt being on her own after so many years, my ex and I were together 8 years and being apart completely crushed me.

But still I think that her's is a different kind of letting go and of grieving. Of course she will get angry because he is gone. Go through all the stages of grief. But she will always know that he loved her back the way she loved him. He even told her day day before he died how grateful he was having her and how much he loved her - as if he'd known that he was ready to go. So I think the pain is a different one. Different from being left because of not being loved any more. I know you will think I'm crazy but I really do believe that this kind of letting go is easier than being dumped by somebody you really love. But I don't know how to explain...

[Kyeema]

It's been two really bad days... I feel so lonely, it's killing me. I don't see any hope, I don't know what to do to feel better, coz no matter what I do the loneliness is still inside of me. Talking to my ex didn't help, but I had to arrange for Tuesday so I can go to the funeral. I am so weak on the phone... telling him I miss him... which he replied to with "I know"... again he said he was fighting for us as hard as I was (I wonder how? Lying and leaving is not fighting for me...) and it's not easy for him either (haha, he wanted this... I was willing to fight for us, giving him chance after chance, he just left, not me...).

I also told him that I feel I have taken all the wrong decisions in the past 8 years because I based every single one on us being together, had I even imagined he would leave me I'd have done none of it and I also told him that I feel I wasted the past 8 years, lost everything, had a good life before I met him (which I did - nice flat, good job, many friends and family nearby) and now I am doomed. The pain over all of it is so unbearable. Before I met him I had managed to cope with my depressions very well, was happy for the first time in my life and then I fell in love with him... gave up my flat (to move in with him and then I moved 3 times across the country to finally land here so he could be close to his family), gave up my job (to help him with this innovative company he wanted to start, it didn't work out, I took a job again while he stayed unemployed, had a burnout and now here I am still not able to work for my depression), took a loan and gave him money, agreed to take more dogs so the one he brought wouldn't be lonely all day at home...

And now... I pay for my wrong decisions. For each and any of them. Some part of me really wishes I had never got to know him. The pain now is not worth anything we had when we were together. I try to sound strong and positive most of the time, but tbh deep down I don't have any hope for myself... my life is over, I will never recover from all this, it's way more than I can cope with. I am struggling every day to get up in the morning to walk my dogs. They are persistent, they won't let me sleep so I simply have to get up. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for them and my cat. On the other hand if it weren't for them I could sell this doomed house, even for nothing and move in with my family for some time. Only if I'd never had them, that would have been an option, but I have them now, I took them in and I love them, they are my family. I couldn't live with giving them away. So it's not option for me. Even if nobody, especially my family, can understand that. I at least want to make this one thing right in my life! I won't let them down.

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

How are you doing? Long time I haven't heard from you, been wondering about you the past weeks and I hope you're all well. Take care,

manu

[Kyeema]

... I feel great! Him leaving me was the best thing that could have happened to me no matter how hard it was on me and how many tears I shed over him and our love.

One year ago I'd never have believed I could make it without him, live without his love. In my pain I would have called you crazy if you told me that I was better off without him and that I would feel fine on my own soon. Now I've come to enjoy my life on my own and although he still owes me a great deal of money, but doesn't react to anything (let's see what that letter from my lawyer will do), my life now is way better than it ever was with him. Of course financially it's very hard because of this. The house is still a construction site. Having 3 dogs is very exhausting sometimes. But... I would never want to have him back... not for all the money in the world!

I don't care what he is doing right now and how he is doing. It's his business. I'm starting to life my own life and build my own future. And even when it's really hard sometimes, it feels good.

I'm posting this here because perhaps I can reach one of you lost and hurt souls and hearts out there and give you some hope that life will change for the better. I was in your position a year ago (read my posts if they're not too long for you) and I thought I only wanted to die because it hurt so much and I missed him so much. But I've grown a lot since he left, I worked hard on myself, cried many tears, allowed myself to grieve as much and long as I needed and about 3 months ago thinks really started to change for the better. I have (intentionally) lost about 60 lbs in the last year and feel a lot more myself than I had ever felt while I was with him.

So no matter how bad it hurts now, how desperate you are, things will change! Things will get better for you. Work on letting go and try concentrating on yourself as good as you can. Be loving towards yourself when you slip back, stand up and start again from where you are then. If anybody left you - it's their loss not yours. You still have yourself and this is the greatest gift there is!

You are not alone!

Big hug to all of you
Kyeema