8 years of true love and now he is gone...

[Kyeema]

I don't even know why I'm posting in this forum, I think it's cause it hurts so much and I don't know what to do about the pain... first of all, sorry for my English, it's not my native language.

And I apologize for this becoming so endlessly long. hope you'll read it anyway and share your thoughts with me - thanks!

Here come's my story:
When I met him, it was love at first sight. I saw him and knew: this is it! This is him! And he felt the same. We moved in together a only 3 months later, after one year he proposed and I said yes - but we never got married. Troubles started a few months after as we started a new company, moved to another village, into a very old house that needed renovation big time and he took another female partner into the firm without me asking first. This new partner had a personal interest in him too and soon after I gave up my old job to work full time for our company she started mobbing me. And instead of being on my side, my fiance began seeing me as the "enemy of the company" cause I didn't agree with all their decision and sometimes asked him to take some time to help me renovate the house which should be our home some day. There was no kitchen in it, no bathroom, nothing. And we didn't have the money to have a company do it, we all had to do it ourselves which also was the way we planned it. In the end, after about a year he said he wanted to separate me because I wanted to destroy his dream. When I was gone about a week he come to me and apologized, telling me, now he can see that I was right with everything I said, that I was everything for him and that he wanted me back. I accepted his apology and gave him another chance.

We moved away rented a small house, way too small for us and the 5 large dogs we owned then, but we couldn't find anything else to live. I was working as an IT-trainer, he was unemployed. After about a year we bought a house which I paid, again it was old and in need of lots of renovation, but he promised that he would renovate this house for us within the next 10 months and this was the condition under which I agreed to buy it. It's big advantage was the 4.000 sqm garden for our then 6 dogs. It was situated in a place close to his then 14-yr old daughter from his first marriage, that's what he wanted, while my family and friends lives 50 min from here. But I understood that his daughgter needed him more than my family needed me (my father needs 100% nursing care after he had an accident about 13 yrs ago). I bought all the stuff we needed for the renovation and months flew by. I was frustrated because the house still looked like a big mess, nothing was done. Then I had a burn-out at work and had to go to hospital for some time. When I came back a few weeks later nothing had changed with the house. He was great with me, visited me on weekends, we phoned and texted every day. He was really there for me told me daily how much he loved me. When I got back I found that he had overdrawn both my accounts which he had access to as he had no own bank account. I was shocked but he said he'd care about that, he took a job at a bar (where you can place bets and gamble) to earn some money... but we never got the accounts straight again.

Some time during these years he stopped having contact with his daughter because she did not congratulate him on his birthday. I was mad at him because he never really was a reliant father to her, most of the time I had to remind him of his daughter's birthday etc. it was me who encouraged him to have regular contact with her because I thought a daughter needs her father. But he did not want to have any contact any more with her because he was so hurt for her not congratulating him. he then didn't even congratulate her on her 18th birthday last year. And I had given up on trying to conciliate.

Then in 2009 he got the chance to do some education as auxiliary nurse something he had wanted to do for a long time and I supported him through this. He had to commute 50 min a day so I had no car for over a year. Which was frustrating because I had no chance to get around and always had to wait till he got home. But still, I wanted to support him. Besides his education he also started working for a security firm so during the week he was away on education and on the weekend he did 2 or 3 nights of night work. So we had no time together any more. He always said he did this because we needed the money but fact ist, the more he earned the more he spent and my accounts stayed overdrawn or even got worse. I also told him that I'd prefer him to stop working because he needed all his energy for his education, it doesn't have a positive impact on our finances anyway and well, it would have been nice if he'd had some time for me and the dogs and our house, which still wasn't renovated, too. But he refused blaming me for not understanding how he did all this just for us. But why, if he did all this just for us, was I so unhappy? At home he was only tired and cranky no matter how much I tried to make him feel comfy and relaxed.

Then his phone bill was 4 times as high as it was the months before. I first thought of a mistake so I checked his phone record (oh, btw phone bill was on me too) and found this one number he was talking too all the time, any time of day and night. So I confronted him, he said, this is only a good female friend from his security job who he can talk to about me because I'm so complicated and he can't talk to me. I was shocked. I had always tried to find out if something was wrong, he had always answered, no, I'm just tired. And why, if she was just a goog friend, didn't he tell me about it? I would have had nothing against someone he could talk too. So I said, no problem, just let me get to know her... but he refused and stopped having contact with her.

But my trust was gone. And him having no time for me but all the time in the world for his female colleagues didn't help there either. Neither did him working till 6 am and showing up at 10 am with the excuse he had to work longer but never got paid the extra hours. And still he said I didn't appreciate him working so hard enough. So I even got up et 5 in the morning to make him breakfast when he got home from work. It got a bit better then... but I learned that usually he went out for breakfast with his security pals after work - there the money went (also drinks/coffee before work and daily coffee on days before his school started).

Last summer he quit his security job (he said he did it only for me but once he admitted it was too much for him - which I had always told him) and in Fall he had to choose from 4 jobs three of which where in our town one in my hometown 50 min away where he had done his education. He chose the one job away from us telling me it was his dream job, that commuting was no problem that he'd come home every night. Well who am I to tell him not to take his dream job? Beside his job he continued some further training, also in my hometown. He also got a room at the hospital he worked for. And he did not get the job that was his dream job but ended in another department which then became his dream job.

Over the weeks he started staying away over night more often and often without having talked to me about it. He was just tired so he stayed away. I was all alone in this construction site where nothig had changed with our then 4 dogs in a place where I knew nobody... suffering from severe depression and not having revovered from my burnout. I told him how I felt but nothing changed - he said he did all this just for us, I finally needed to understand that.

Last November he had to do a project week with his colleagues from school and instead of staying in his room for the nights (20 min drive) he stayed at one of his female colleagues and her parents... I told him I didn't want this, but he explained he did this only to save money for us. I was pissed but still I believed him that there was nothing between the two of them (she has a boyfriend too)... then in December he did not come home for my 40th birthday (yes, I'm old^^)... I was shocked and hurt... he was too tired he said, when he called me, we would see each other the next day anyway. I couldn't believe he would really not show up and waited, but he didn't come... I was a wreck... still I gave our relationship a chance. I had invested so much I didn't want to give up... and I loved him so much despite everything... thought it was just the stress...

I often had the feeling something was wrong with the things he said, but I never had proof, so I tried to trust his words... Then one day, I had baked the birthday cake he wished for and prepared his favorite food (as a belated birthday celebration, on his birthday I went to his place to see him and invite him out for dinner), I found out about him lying to me about some meeting he had to go to which never existed, so he could come home... but in reality he just didn't want to come home... as he said, he got so much work to do for school and at our place it was to messy so he couldn't concentrate and he couldn't tell me because I wouldn't understand... well, yes, his desk was a mess, the house is a construction site, but he was responsible for it as well! His salary was executed to minimum because of his debts, all my money was already in the house (half of the material I bought had moulded on our parking lot coz he never used it, so I had to dispose of it) so there was no money to have professionals renovate the house, I did what I could do, but I'm no electrician, no carpenter as he was... and sry, I'm no man also, so I have my troubles working with heavy stuff on my own... he had promised to do all this before we moved in here but he never did. And his desk was his own mess, not mine. I gave up on collecting all his cups and half-empty bottles and other trash that he left standing around at his desk (or the whole house)... but still I had to LIVE in this house while he simply did not come home any more! Then again I understood and told him "no more lies" and even offered him to help him even more with his work load for school. Am I stupid or what?

And then in May I found out that one women he was phoning and texting with alle the time regularly night and day was not who he told me she was. He had told me she was a colleague at school that's why he also phoned her at 1 am. She was not even in his school. I confronted him and he explained he got to know her about a year ago when he did an apprenticeship at the hospital he works at now (she was the daughter of a patient) and they developed a "lovely friendship" but I left him no other choice than lying to me because I was so jealous (yes I was, he never had time for me but plenty of time for his new friends) and distrustful (guilty again, his lies made me distrust him) and complicated (probably true too)... I drove back home then and did not call him, the next day I got a text "working hard blabla" as if nothing had happened... but I couldn't go on like this! He had lied to me over a year and probably even betrayed me (although he said no)... so I sent him a text (I couldn't phone because I'd have cried all the time) saying that I only 2 possibilities for us: either "I get to know all his friends pronto, you come home more often and no more lies" or "it's over"... I never heard from him again for more than 3 weeks... after his final exam was over he didn't call me either... so I called him (we had a lot of organisational stuff to talk about), he did not answer the phone... I wrote him a very direct text which he then answered to... we met... he said, he feels so empty, the only thing keeping him alive is his job... but I know he was out all night drinking and celebrating his exam... taking part in a soccer tournament at the hospital (he hates soccer...)... so is he lying again? A part of me is worried, because if it is true what he says it sounds like depression and I have told him to seek professional help, but he says he's got no time for that... he also said he stopped coming home because I did not appreciate what he did for us... working so hard... only for us... that hurts... I did everything for him, cooked, checked his homework, we laughed, we had sex (that was for me too *ggg*)... of course I told him that I missed him and that I can't stand him being away all the time leaving me alone in this mess... but I really was unhappy with the way things went, so I had to tell him, I think that being honest with your partner und talking about things is the way that has a couple grow together... but no matter how often I told him he only said, he is doing this for us, I just don' t understand, and that he obviously can't do anything right and then that he is so hurt about what I said that he cannot talk any more about it...

In this last conversation after we separated (I cleared that - he did not say a word about the status of our relationship) also promised to pay his part of our debts and for half of the dog food... but I'm not feeling safe... I never even told me how angry I am and what I really think of him (and I admit that's not very nice - egoistic, characterless, coward, inconsiderate, lyer, a***... or am I doing him wrong? Is he just overstressed?) because I fear that if I tell him he would not pay me anything... and then I have real problems because sustaining the house and the dogs costs more than I have at the moment...I'm really screwed... stranded here with all the mess and he's just gone and lives a better life without me after all those years where I have supported him emotionally, mentally, school-wise and financially. Yes, I'm so screwed!

And still it hurts so much... I still love him although I know there is no chance for us even if he wanted to (which he doesn't) because I wouldn't be able to trust him any more... how could I not have seen what kind of man he really is? How could I live with him so many years and not see? Why did I always trust him even when I had doubts? How can he from one day to the other just cut contact as if we together as a couple, as if I and the dogs (one of which he brought into our relationship) had never existed? I hate myself for being so stupid! I hate him for being so cruel!

At the moment I try surviving only the next 5 minutes... I have to be strong for my dogs, they need me... they've got no one else... he does not care any more not even about them... but I can't stand the pain... it hurts so much! Why didn't he love me? How can he forget all about me so quickly? HE told me I'm the love of his life, I mean everything to him, he doesn't want be be without me for a second, he wants to grow old with me, sit on our porch watch our grandchildren... he told me these things over and over again and I believed him... Am I not lovable? What's so wrong about me? Will this ever get better? Please tell me it will!

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

I am really sorry to hear all this. The situation you are in now must be unimaginably tough after many years of hard work, dedication and effort you've put in your relationship.

First of all: There's nothing wrong with you at all, and you seem to be a very nice, loving, caring person, who is able to love someone else very much. Don't start to analyse every characteristic that might be 'bad', like you would be 'complicated' (which can be a good thing because it often means people are intelligent and sophisticated). You are absolutely fine and you seem to be a genuinely good person, but I think you might be too good. I think your mistake is probably that you trust people too much, and you love too much unconditionnally without looking objectively at the person's behaviour. I don't mean to be rude but you might be a little bit naive and you tend to see too much good in a person without seeing the bad when you love them (but, admittedly, that can be tough for everyone).

But you are not alone. I know from experience, from someone really close to me, also a very intelligent, sensitive and caring and quite a complicated person, that it can be difficult to try to acknowledge your distrust in your partner. The person I know was cheated on for 3 years by her partner without knowing before she found out. She was extremely hurt and felt extremely stupid. I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you are feeling, but I'm telling you this to show you that it happens to many people, you are not abnormal, and that sometimes it's really hard for people to look objectively at the behaviour of their loved ones. People tend to think "he or she would never do that", etc.

I think right now for you it's extremely important to share your grief and pain with people very very close to you. Do you have a close friend or friend to confide to? Please do that, it will help you dearly get through these hard times, and you WILL get by.

Praise yourself lucky that your ex is keeping low or no contact. The best thing right now for you is stay away from him and for him to not contact you. Make some space for yourself, focus on your dogs, and find some distraction, some work you have to do and if you have the time, write down your feelings (eg write a letter to him in which you express your worst feelings but DON'T send it). If you have the opportunity, do something daily that really relaxes you and that you can enjoy. In short: try to focus on things that make you feel good about yourself, about you as a person. The distance will also help you to see things more objectively and you will realize that HE is the bad person, not you.

All the best. Take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself and keep us updated!

[Kyeema]

@ Manu: Thanks so much for your loving and caring words...

Yes, you're right I tend to see the good in people instead of their actual beavior. By seeing what's deep inside of them, by seeing their potentials I forget to evaluate what kind of behavior they're actually showing...and in the end get hurt. I can see how your friend could be cheated on without realizing for 3 years... I'm naive enough to still (want to) believe him when he says that this woman ist only a "good friend". I know that he cheated on his two past wives but he told me I'm the first woman he's so committed to and he'd never cheat on me because I'm special, because it's different with me. And I believed him. The one time he said this it really came from the bottom of his heart and I am sure it was the truth then, but now... I question everything!

I try to get on with my life as you say, concentrate on my dogs, talk to my friends, but I have the feeling they are fed up by me talking about him so much. I often get to hear things like "I would not love him any more, if he did this to me", "you have to get over it", "why do you still cry for him, he treated you so badly, he is not worth it"... and this does not really help. I can see their underlying intention and my mind agrees with all they say, but my heart just can't cope with it.

I was also thinking about me being complicated (and yes, thanks, I think I really am intelligent and sophisticated ). And to be honest, I do not think I am really that complicated to be / live with. I am open to anything, willing to make compromises (perhaps too many) and talk about anything. I, however, have to admit, that due to my depression I do not always have a lot of energy and sometimes need someone to get me going to do fun and other stuff. Well, but looking back, he never helped me with that, it rather was the other way round, I had to motivate him instead. My head knows I'm better off without him. Financially, emotionally, mentally... but still like today when the loss and the pain seem unbearable and I feel I can't breathe I just want to call him and ask why he made so many promises and then just left me like that, forgetting about me in one second, how he could lie to me like that and and and... believe me I have plenty of those emails in my account, none of them sent.

I'd love to send him an email telling him what I really think and feel about him also because nobody else ever tells him the truth, he ist very charismatic and when he says something you simply believe him, as you say, he could sell a fridge to a penguin *ggg*... and here the big BUT, why I haven't done it so far: he promised to pay back his half of our debts and give me some money for dog food etc. (which unfortunately in mycurrent position I do really need), so if I write to him what I really think of his behavior, I risk him being so offended that he backs off with that too. Not that I have a guarantee that he will pay me anything, that's to be found out next week when he is supposed to wire the money... Trouble is, just writing these things and leaving them in my account does not help, because I feel they still stay with me instead of going where they belong...

So, be rational and keep the truth to myself or be bold and sent it to the place where it belongs but risk getting no money? What do you think?

Kyeema

PS. Still, Il don't want to think of him as a bad person, in his heart he is GOOD, I think he simply is misguided, is that naive too?

[ForMadmenOnly]

Don't apologize for your use of English or for the long post. The important thing is to write as much as possible to get this thing out of you. Posting here helps healing.

"egoistic, characterless, coward, inconsiderate, lyer, a***..." Couldn't agree more with you. I would call him even worst!

One thing to keep in mind is that none of this is your fault. All you wanted is a nice life with a person next to you. But people are not always what they seem like. There are some very bad cold-hearted people out there.

All your mistake is that you didn't hear that little voice inside you that was saying "Stay away, he is not a good man". That's a mistake we all do.

The bad new are that healing process will be long and painful. The good news are that it is not as long as it seems to you know. Before you even know it you will feel happy again. You will find a man to treat you right. And you will fall in love again. I promise you. Just hang on in there sweetie. Things will be alright. But remember that not only your dogs, but yourself needs you as well! So please love yourself, treat her nice and focus on doing things that make you happier. Friends and family are out there to help you. Do reach for them.

All the best!

PS: It doesn't matter if he is a good or bad person. He broke your heart more than one time. Forget about him, he doesn't worth being in your life anymore. Keep the good moments, but do not ever ever ever bring him back in your life. Forgive but don't let him hurt you again.

[Kyeema]

@ForMadmenOnly:

You're completely right. Often people are not what they seem like.

Yes, and I have ignored that little voice telling me "Something is wrong" for a long time, I always wanted to believe him and fell for his words.

And again, yes, he broke my heart several times. I hope I am a big enough person to forgive him one day, but at the moment I alternate between hating him and not wanting to believe that all this really happened and missing him so much, missing him as he was at some point, when I met him, the love of my life. And it's my job now to learn how to protect myself better and not let myself get hurt again. Not by him. Not by anyone. I need to learn to listen and trust my feelings and guts, in reality they have never let me down, they've always been right and still I constantly ignore them... perhaps out of fear of being alone. But to be honest: I have been alone since he started working there last year - so what! Now I just need to trust myself that I can learn to be on my own... for the first time ever... *panic*

[Kyeema]

I'm so tired. Tired of fighting for love and of trying not to fight for love. I hope somebody understands what I mean by that...

Fact is, I feel so incredibly lonely with him gone. It's the first time in my life ever that I am on my own and I am 40 now. And the responsibility I have for my dogs, my cat, the still to be renovated house where everyhting seems to break at the moment (the roof leaks, the water heater makes strange noises...) and absolutely no money is so overwhelming that sometimes I can't breathe. In those moments the dark clouds of depression bury me and I can see no light at all. The only thing that keeps me going ist my four-legged family which I have to take care of and somewhere deep inside the knowledge that even if I can't see it, there is a light somewhere and when the clouds shift again - and I've learned so far they always do sooner or later I just don't know when and how - I will be able to see this light.

So I cling to this thought and wait for the clouds to disappear knowing there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. And in the meanwhile I do the best I can.

Kyeema

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

I agree with ForMadmenOnly. It doesn't matter if he's bad or misguided. It sounds really tough, but he's betrayed your trust many times, and it's possible that he's been lying for years. It's good that you are seeing that now.

It's very tough to realize that you have to let go of someone who was once the love of your life. But he will never be that man again. Impossible. In time, when you let go, you might still think fondly of that memory and take it with you. Although our situations are very different, and I cannot compare to yours, I know what you mean when you say you're lonely. I've also felt incredibly lonely the past 10 months. Without my ex, without many of our (mutual) friends. I think it's really good for you to focus on your 4-footed family! Take some love from them too, dogs can be great consolers. I can only imagine what it feels like without the money now and with the broken house. Is it Friday that your ex is supposed to give you the money? How much is he supposed to give you? Also, is there a possibility for you to get a little bit of financial help and/or help around the house from friends or family? Or possibly take up a part-time job?

Take care! You will see that the clouds will shift sooner or later. Just hang on for now, you're doing a great job.

Manu

[Kyeema]

Thanks for your nice words, manu... you're right he will never ever again be that man, he couldn't even if he wanted to.

I apologize for this getting so long beforehand...

I was just on the phone with him and I'm destroyed again. I phoned him this noon because I really felt good and wanted to see how he is and make sure he gives me the money. He didn't answer but I replied with one of this default texts saying he is busy and will call me later. And that's what he did at about nine tonight. But I wasn't feeling that good because I had just learned that one of my favorite uncle is suffering from cancer and was sent home to die. And EVERYTHING burst out of me, well not my anger but again my tears and that I still don't understand what happened. I learned that in the past few months he had build a friendship with the whole family of the "nice friend" without telling me. He was in contact with her husband and her son. And he also told me that he offered me to get to know his friends several times but I always just said that he spends to much time with others instead of me! He NEVER EVER even once asked me to get to know or meet one of his friends! of course I would have said yes, I was dying to meet them and be part of his life again. And now he tells me he offered me but I didn't want to! And also that when this friendship got a really good one he was already in a state where he needed to talk to someone. And he lied to me out of "false" thoughtfullness... I just asked him how many times I told him to be honest with me and if he really thought that this would work that way... again... it was my fault...IT HURTS SO MUCH!

He also told me that I always said that he wouldn't finish what he started in the house but that I wanted to exchange the bedroom with the living room twice (yes, but it was once (we don't have that many rooms and then I asked, what he thought about moving the bedroom into a smaller room heading east and using the biggest, lightest room as a living room instead and he said, it was a good idea), he had to do some wall repairing then (yes, I helped him with that, painted that wall, leveld it out etc.) how should he finish anything with me requesting all that of him... again my fault...

Then he said he worked like a slave renovating our home and still I always made him feel as a guest here (referring to one fight when he told me to care about myself instead of him and I than got really angry and said: "Yes, then get off!" - but him telling me only a few hours before that he wished he had an affair when I wanted to know if he had one was okay...) and so he left (now, not then after the fight, there he stayed and I even apologized for saying that in my anger, but obviously I'm not allowed to make mistakes...), a home which he always liked more than I did, where he wanted to move to, to be close to his daughter, which he promised to renovate because I told him I didn't want to and can't live in an old, ugly home again... he just couldn't officially co-own it, because of all the debts he has, tax authority and court would have taken it away from him/us again to pay his debts... again my fault...

I also asked him if we will ever be able to talk about this and he said if I will ever be able to talk about this without accusing him all the time so he has not to defend himself all the time etc. We're stuck. I tell him how I feel / felt, he feels attacked and closes down. Using I-Messages like "I feel", "I think", "Ths had the effect on me that..." doesn't help. If I say "I felt so excluded from your life, because I wasn't allowed to get to know your friends" he says: "I asked you to get to know my friends, but you didn't want to". Well, but I fear he is right, sometimes I do then get emotional and say things like: "You excluded me from your life, you didn't want me to get to know your friends....". Damn!

I would love to write a text to this "good friend" telling her that I didn't even know about her and her family until recently and that finding out about this lie was the reason for our break-up, that he lied to me about her identity and that he never ever asked me to get to know her or one his other friends. Because I'm sure that's the things he tells her, with me not wanting to get to know them but complaining he spent to much time with them, that I prevented him from finishing the house with my unsatiable requests and and and... this hurts also so much! They have all the completely wrong ides of how and who I really am!!!! What kind of picture did he draw or does he still draw of me when he talks about me with his friends? I don't want them to think of me so badly and wrongly! Shall I dare writiing this text? Or is this absolutely stupid?

I also asked him if he ever considers that perhaps, just slightly his point of viewing things might be wrong. He then just said you don't consider that either (that my point of view might be wrog and his right). Me, still after everything he says, shortly considering if he might be right with what he says... if I might me wrong, didn't listen enough, care enough, give him enough of the freedom or whatever he obviously needed...

I also told him that I wonder if everything in this past 8 years was a scam because of all the lies he told me last year (and the many years before) and because I would have never left my true love and family behind if it got tough and there were many times when it got really tough and I just wanted to run away, screaming from the top of my lungs. He said that I know exactly that it wasn't all a lie. I replied no, I don't know because if I was his true love he wouldn't have left me just like that and lied to me like that.

I also told him that I'm not talking about all of this to get back together with him, because that ship has sailed, too much has happened, I could never believe or trust him again...

In the end, he said, he doesn't want to talk any more, it makes no sense, I have my way of seeing it and I will never understand his way of seeing things... then he said good night, sleep well and hung up. I tried to phone him back to ask if I can rely on him giving me the money even if we fight or he is angry with me... he didn't answer my calls... I texted him: "I had only one more question." He replied "It's enough for today... I can't any more..." I: "I just want to know if I can rely on you giving me the money even if we fight or you're angry with me. That's all" He replied:"Why should you believe me? HAVE I ever NOT wired the money? X-(" Well, he always has when we were still together but sometimes less than he was supposed to ("this stupid e-banking stuff must have done something wrong" he then usually said) I texted back (a while later): "I think we should not talk about this emotional stuff any more. I am sorry that it got so emotional anyway today, I didn't plan on that. But I just learned that they sent my uncle home to die that was a bit much and so everything came up. Just wanted to chat with you nicely when I called you earlier. Sleep well and get well soon!" (he's got a cold, as I do)... No answer. I'm dying here! He'll never call me again now that I couldn't keep myself together and attack him with all I said... My head knows, forget this man, he's crazy, but my heart hurts so much I can't breathe, I just want to die, can't stand being in this place with all this crap (and since yesterday night a broken washing machine on top, thanks universe!) any more but I am trapped here while he is in my hometown building a new nice life, at the moment even thinking about changing his job, because his chief nurse will not create this new job position he did his extra education for and said: "you can stay as an auxiliary nurse or leave", so he thinks of changing, leaving the job he always referred to as his dream job, there he is at home, there he will grow old... and again he will stay in my hometown, not move back up here where his daughter, his family is... for not getting this position he thinks of changing, but for me, his family he never did, alwyas said there he can bring something about, there's his place. IT HURTS SO INCREDIBLY MUCH! He can't have loved me, can he? Although he said yes today when I asked if he misses me and if it hurts him too... WILL THIS EVER GET BETTER? WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY? I can't stand it any more! HELP! Anyone!


Kyeema

[manu85]

I'm so sorry to hear all that Kyeema...

It sounds like your ex is believing his own lies. There is no such thing as a 'golden opportunity' to meet your partner's friend, which will be eternally lost if you don't seize it. A normal person will give their partner the opportunity to get to know their friends on their own tempo, and will never tell them they "wasted their chance". He's just not wanting to face his own responsibility and guilt and transforms it all into lies and playing the blame-game. It's the only option he has left to not have to tell the truth and be confronted with his lies.

Know that love will come again once you realize this man is someone who is not capable of love! I doubt he'll ever truely be happy and give himself 100% in a relationship. You'd be a lot better off with someone who CAN commit to someone.

I also think it'd be best to keep NC. Calling him will only make you feel worse and set you back totally...

A very big hug. Take care and be nice to yourself!

Good night and sorry for my reply being so short,

Manu

[pete05]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/56612-best-friend-love-problem.html[/url] plz comment thanks

[Kyeema]

@manu:

There is no such thing as a 'golden opportunity' to meet your partner's friend, which will be eternally lost if you don't seize it. A normal person will give their partner the opportunity to get to know their friends on their own tempo, and will never tell them they "wasted their chance".

I fear I must have expressed myself very badly in my last post... the thing is: I always wanted to meet his friends. We were together 8 years and especially in the last 2 years, when he did his education and then got his job in this other town he made a lot of new friends - who I sometimes heard about, but never met. When I asked when I could meet them he usually said, well in summer we'll invite them over for bbq or so... well he said that in fall, just 8 months to go then... or sometimes he said there will be a time when it fits... but I never got to know them... I just knew he spent a lot of time with them, phoned and texted a lot with them and had time for them whenever they needed him... he even wrote papers for them... in his most stressful times when I didn't even dare to ask any little favor from him because otherwise he'd snap at me "you always request so much of me can't you see I'm busy and stressed out" he would listen to them on the phone for hourse and help them with their problems... wouldn't you have been pissed and jealous if you were in my place? Still I made and brought him coffee and cooked for him because I understood and wanted to support him... but yes, I have to admit I was jealous of his friends... he had all the time and patience for them and I felt I was just a pain in his ass...

One time when he had a week off work and school and I was so happy he was at home for some days: But on Tuesday he said - out of the blue - that the next day he had to go to to school because they had a school trip to see an old people's home and he just learned about it it was a short-time thing... I'm pretty sure now that there never was a school trip, he probably went to see his "good friend" and her family, but just didn't want to take me with him. And the next day he had school out of a sudden too and stayed away again. Why wouldn't he take me? It would have been sucha great chance to meet his new friends!

I'd had loved to meet his friends, I'd have loved to be part of his new world which he hid from me. Instead he talked to all his friends about me being so complicated, jealous, not trusting him although he did everything for only us, for one of his friends I even was the "depressive therapy case" who he had to have therapy sessions with ( I once found a text on his phone saying: "Do you have to have a therapy session with her again or do you wanna chat?" sent on a day on which I was really desperate because I was so unhappy about our situation being together so rarely, him never coming home and I told him that in his lunch break on the phone, crying bitter tears, and he said he had to go back to work and would call me the second he finished - but he never called me, instead he got this text and then phoned this female friend who claimed to have studied psychology for some time and therefore helped him so much as he said, he never answered my calls that night, I later got a text saying that he was so deeply hurt and was not able to talk to me.... he never told me why...)...

His friends must think I'm a crazy nut-job... I think they would have been very surprised if they had got a chance to meet me... and it hurts that he displayed me as the sick, depressed, jealous, clingy, not trusting, ungrateful wife while he worked his ass off for us... they must believe I sit home all day in a beautiful house, plenty of money (he once told me they compared their pay checks and he got much more than the rest of them - what he didn't mention to them was that this was just on paper because in reality everything over the minimum living wage is executed and taken away from him by court to pay his debts - most of the time I gave him some money...), doing nothing but complaining while he worked so incredibly hard for us... I would love to clarify that, to show them the real situation, to show them that there were plenty of reasons for me to be jealous and enough lies not to trust him and that in reality I'm a nice, caring person supporting him as good as possible and no nut-case at all... I know they would have liked me... I always wanted to have friends we could do something with... in the end he has these friends now and separated me...

He's just not wanting to face his own responsibility and guilt and transforms it all into lies and playing the blame-game. It's the only option he has left to not have to tell the truth and be confronted with his lies.

Yes he lives in his own reality and yesterday it showed that this reality moves farther and farther away from what really happened (he said he wanted me to meet his friends, but I refused - never happened, not once he asked me - no wait! He got to know a girl with bipolar disorder who has a forum on this topic and she offered me I could post there too - which I never did, because I suffer from depression, yes, but I'm not bipolar and I found it weird that he wanted me to open up to his friend in a forum? Well, on the other hand I would have loved to meet her for coffee to get to know her, perhaps I'd liked her and had even joined the forum then later on if it felt right, but like this... I remember when they studied for their final exams last year they skyped for hours, her boyfriend was getting jealous and to be honest after a few days of seeing him studying and joking around with her, talking about everything with her, for hours and hours I was pissed too... wouldn't you have been pissed too? Or am I really insanely jealous????

Wouldn't you have been jealous and pissed if you found out your bf phones and textes other women (who were colleagues and good friends only as he always said but who you were never allowed to meet) at 1 am in the night and any other time of day, even during school classes when he never texted or phoned you because he always said they didn't even have breaks? I found that he even talked with her on the phone for nearly 40 mins during school... but if I told him that I would love to receive a short text from him during lunch break or so, just to know how his xxx test was, he would never find the time to do it... is it just me, or wouldn't you have been hurt and jealous about that too??? Please tell me!

[McRich01]

I didn't just want to read and run,

But you sound a very nice person, Unfortunately the best relationships can turn sour. I understand your pain just as most people here, Coming out of a long relationship isn't about blame, Guilt, Hate, Its about finding that person you once where, And the realization that its you now, Your number one, Its time to look after yourself, Because one day you'll find someone who you will be with forever !

Keep your head high and hang in there

[Kyeema]

You're right, it's not about blame, guilt hate... it's about surviving the pain, the incredible loss... I still can't believe what happened... I always thought we were unbreakable... no matter what... and deep inside I still believe we are... I still believe we were meant to be forever... that's why I accepted and did all the things I have done in our relatioship... I was believing in us, in our future together... even if it meant stepping back and letting him do his stuff first, I was so sure that as soon as he got the job he loved everything would become better, stabilize and then there would be room for me to do my things... but it isn't... he's gone... and I'm in shock....

I know I have to let go of him... I have no choice... no matter how much I still love him and want him and miss him and even if he wanted me back we wouldn't have a chance... I sometimes think perhaps the lying he did was not that bad after all, on Thursday he did say he did it out of "false" consideration because I wouldn't have coped well with the truth, perhaps it was really me who triggered it, perhaps I was asking too much of him... but then in the end it all comes back to "he lied"... doesn't it? And with that the trust is gone. Secrets and lies. He made friends with a whole family and didn't tell me about it - even when I confronted him about his lie about who she was, he didn't tell me. He told me on Thursday. Is that normal behavior? Wouldn't it be normal to tell your partner about new friendships and want him/her to meet your new friends? It would for me. And I think I want a partner who thinks the same as me. And I want a partner who wants to spend time with me not one making excuses to not to have to spend time with me. I want a partner who makes me feel loved and wanted and safe. Not one who gives me the feeling of not being wanted but requesting to much when I want to see / be with him. But perhaps I am a pain in the ass and he's right? Am I asking too much, did I not give him enough credit for his hard work, didn't I understand him enough? Was I too jealous about him phoning and texting his other female friends and colleagues so much and making them a priority over me? Was I not fun enough to be with? Not easy enough to be loved so he wanted to be with me instead of them? I don't know... I just know it hurts so much.

Everyone tells me I need to let go, think of what I want from life and in a relationship. They're all right. But still I feel like crap. And can't get out...

[Kyeema]

No matter how much I pretend that I'm going to manage... truth is I don't and won't. I feel so empty, alone, deserted, everything is meaningless. I try to be strong for my dogs and my cat, but what's the point? I'm all on my own. Nobody cares. My mom told me today that it's all my own fault, she knew from the beginning he was not to be trusted because he had 2 wives before and that I will never get out of my debts because I waste so much money (because I was thinking of picking up my cousin from New Zealand when she arrives at the airport on Thursday. Nobody else does, they all say she can take a cab, but I find after a long trip like that it would be nice to see a friendly face on the airport, wouldn't it? And looked so very much forward to seeing her again after 3 years. Of course it's a 50 min drive for me and I don't have much money for gas, but I still was at least thinking of whether I can make it possible or not). She also said that "I can't be helped" and basically told me what kind of failure I am. I don't know why I was so disappointed, she's never been different. I don't know why I hoped that she perhaps might some day ask me if she can help me in any way or tell me that she understands how hard this must be for me after 8 years. I'm stupid. And I feel so lonely.

I still can't get over him being gone. It still hurts so much, everything around the house reminds me of him, I can't get away. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live any more. Life is nothing but pain. It's too much. There's no point. I'm not strong enough. I did everthing wrong. No chance of anything ever getting better. So why go on?

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

I can only imagine how much in pain you are. I will tell you that the first 3-4 months after my break-up, I was like that. I felt empty, the whole day. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling totally empty inside. I didn't see the joy of life. Nobody seemed to care. I tried to hold strong in front of my (mutual) friends, because I wanted to get her back initially, letting that get in the way of my emotions. Nobody saw the hurt inside. Everybody only seemed to care about having fun, partying on, caring about themselves. It hurt over and over again. After 4 months I hit my deepest dip. I was actually having suicidal thoughts too. I called the 'suicide line', they were the only people I didn't feel embarrassed about talking about my problems. Since January, I've been getting better gradually. I still have setbacks, I still cry over her at times, but not multiple times a day anymore. More like every few days, sometimes I have a few bad days. But I'm having more and more good days. I got my self-worth back. I tended to blame everything on me, but now I am finally loving my positive character-sides again. I love being me again. I know what I have to work on, but I don't let myself get down on that. I'm not a worthless person because of that. Life goes on, and life is beautiful, and life is still full of surprises.

I know it is easier for me than for you. I am younger and I haven't had as long a relationship as you have. But it truely was very intense. The B-U was very bad. And it is going away, the hurt. Slowly but surely.

You might be in for a bit of a longer ride, but you will get through. I promise you that. You will, you will and you will. You will be stronger, you will understand and know yourself better, you will be aware of so much more of your own personality and of potential partners. You will learn and now what to look for to find happiness again.

I know all of this might not make ANY sense to you right now, it might even sound like a lot of blablabla. But it is true. You will see that.

Analyze yourself, analyze your and his mistakes and think it through and through. Get to know precisely why you are breaking up. Get it into your head that under no circumstances, you can get back with him because of what he did.

Cry. Cry a lot. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Yes, it hurts, it hurts incredibly. But try to limit your crying. Try to make it 1 hour a day.

Do something you like. Get a coffee with a friend. Have someone over for dinner. Go for a walk with your dogs to a beautiful or quiet place. Listen to the music you liked as a child, that made you happy. I know that a lot of times, when you will try to feel happy, you will feel unable to. You will think that you are the weakest person on earth and that you are pretending to be happy and that this is just internet B.S. You will feel too empty inside to enjoy those fun activities. That's all right, just take a quick break then. But promise yourself to at least enjoy it for a little while, even if it's just a few minutes, where you are genuinely happy. Step by step. Come back home to yourself. That's the goal. You can do this, Kyeema! Big hug