devistated and confused

[nester]

I'm just so confused....I'm still hurting really bad..I do everything I'm supposed to ...going out with friends..keeping busy...going to the gym..but i still wake up every morning crying..christ I dont know what to do with myself anymore

[cycletease]

I am sorry, I know you are going through such a hard time. You are such a good guy and love this girl so much. I know that nothing in the world seems right without her. I want you to be in love and happy and have the relationship that you deserve. I wish I could snap my fingers for you and put it all back to being right.

In my opinion, if this girl doesn't see that you are the greatest guy ever she is a fool. I just hope she realizes it before you move on and she loses out.

You are doing great so far. This has to be the longest two weeks ever for you. Avoiding talking to her when that is the only thing in the world you want to do is like some strange torture, I know. But it is the right thing for you to do right now.

You do have hope, here. This girl is still thinking about you, still calling you, wanting to talk to you. That is more than a glimmer. I could go into all of the reasons why you need to avoid contact if you would like to be analytical, but I think that you are just going through a tough time with it which is totally normal.

Every one of us here has a hard time doing what you are doing. You are not alone. We have all been in this very spot and have often made mistakes and didn't stick by our vows not to call. None of us can say we have done these things perfectly, I have often broken down and really regretted it later. It is possible that it wouldn't change anything if you did talk to her, but more likely it would make things much harder to get her back if you did.

Keep doing what you are doing. Going to the gym is great, are you going several days a week? Aside from getting out of the house there are other benefits to exercise when you have a broken heart. Are there other sports that you can pick up? Basketball with some buddies?

I know reading is really hard when you're depressed so I won't suggest that. How about picking up a hobby that you do with your hands? Busy work is always good. Wood models? Painting? Leather work? Stained glass is cool. Mostly, keeping yourself busy with something that will consume you with something other than her will help.

How long has it been since the breakup now? How many times has she called? How many times have you seen her? Anything else important...have you heard anything about her and what she is up to? I know that you are scrounging for any info you can get on her so clue me in here.

[nester]

Thanks for the kind words. But do you really think I still have a hope. Its been almost a month since we broke up. I have not seen her because she is out of town for 2 months. She has called me twice since then. I called her once two days after we broke up and then 1 week after. The last time i talked to her (1 week after the break up) she got upset with me kind of because I told her I just didd'nt understand. I felt bad so I left her a message that night saying that I wanted her in my life as a friend. Like I said she has called twice since then, but I think that is only because of the message I left her.

I am trying so hard but still end up breaking down almost everyday and get upset. I have such a hard time sleeping also. As for her I have no idea whats going on really. I'm just so scared that I am going to feel like this forever.

I want to be able to move on but I just can't stop thinking about the chance she will comme back to me. It is also very hard because over 4 years I made all her friends my friends and now I have noone to talk to about this...I guess thats why I am here.

[cycletease]

While this month may seem like the longest month in history, in the grand breakup scheme 1 month is not a lot of time for someone to get their head together. It can often take several months before a person gets some perspective. If you read other threads you will often find that a person 6 or 9 months later wakes up and realizes that they made a horrible mistake and wants the person back.

6-9 months of you feeling this way is not going to work out, though. So what do you think will be easier for you, me telling you that there is no hope and coaching you to move on or me telling you that there is hope and coaching you to move on?

Your girl is doing a lot of thinking and some growing right now. When and if she comes back she will be a different person to some extent. My experience with this is that if she has matured some she will also want to see that you have too. There is very little that she will find attractive about knowing that you have spent months pining away for her (although it seems like it should be endeering to have someone broken hearted over you, it usually isn't). The best way to conceal that this is what you are doing is to actually go out and have a life. That is easier said than done, but it is what you must do.

So the point here is that the advice for having hope and the advice for having no hope is exactly the same. In both cases you need to cut off contact and keep busy. You need to get your head clear. If within the next month you are still feeling this depressed you may want to go on some anti-depressants for a short time to get chemically back to balance.

The fact that you haven't tried to pry information out of her friends speaks really highly of you and I am sure that they appreciate that. But are there no mutual friends that you would feel close enough talking to in confidence? If they are your friends too I am sure they are worried about you and wouldn't mind listening.

As far as my opinion on this whole situation, without knowing either of you and your situation and from what you described, I would say your chances are better than most. But I say this with a degree of caution since I don't want you to start obsessing more because of it.

You absolutely must avoid the guilt. If she is calling because she feels guilty or is worried then you are moving downhill fast. She must call because she wants to talk to you and misses you. She has to miss you if you are ever going to have another chance with her.

This all seems like a ridiculous game, but I am not the one who made the rules. I hate even telling you to do this. A heart is a fickle thing. One person may see the sun rise and set in a person while someone else wouldn't even give them a second thought. A girl can fall head over heels for a complete jerk or pass on a totally great guy.

The laws of the heart are a mystery to everyone but there are some basic guidelines that experienc shows us. One of those things is that you want what you can't have. Another is the grass is always greener. Your girl is checking out the greener grass. You need to make her want what she can't have.

She needs to feel what it is like to actually lose you. She needs to face the consequences of actually breaking up with you and what that means...that she will no longer have you in her life. She needs to have a chance to regret that choice and she never will if you are always around. This brings us to the cake and eat it too law. If she can have her freedom, do whatever she wants and come back to you at any time she is very unlikely to come back.

I know you want her to wake up and see that she loves you and that you love her. She is confused right now and that is not likely to happen. She needs a little kick in the ass if that is ever going to happen. You need to give her that in the form of NO CONTACT.

You will not feel like this forever. You will feel better and be happy again. You will look back at some point and forget to some extent how badly you feel right now. You are so consumed at this moment that it is hard to imagine, but you will find this to be true; I promise.

Come and post up anytime you need. I will be here to help in any way that I can. All I can offer is an ear to listen, but sometimes that is all we need. You are doing great and I am proud of you...even if you don't feel that way about it.

[nester]

Hey guys....I'm still just as hurt as I was when I first posted. I don't know what to do with myself. I've lost 20 pounds and all interest in anything I used to enjoy. I don't know how I'll ever get through this. Someone please tell me I'll be OK. I've been doing NC fairly well except one night last week where I was really drunk and texted her that I miss her. She called back immediatly but we didnt talk about anything to serious. I'm in so much pain guys...please help me, Im not OK.

[inkeepingsecret]

Im sorry to hear all this man. There isnt much any of us can tell you. You know our thoughts, and its up to you whether or not you want to take our advice. Did you ever see swingers? Its a great flick to watch when you're feeling down. Things WILL get better man, you jsut have to have to accept some things first.

[C1d6OC]

Hey Nester. I think you need to ask yourself a question. Why are you letting one person ruin who you are? Buddy listen, when my ex broke up with me a month ago, I was devistated for the first week. Why? Because I did everything in my power to get her back. And what I ended up doing was bring up our relationship every time we talked and told her I miss her, love her and wouldn't you know it, she said the same. Ironic isn't it. However, I finally came here, posted a few things and received the exact same advice as you and you know what I did? It was the hardest thing ever, but I got together with her and told her how I felt ON MY TERMS. I said that I couldn't be friends and it was best we didn't see each other for a while. Let me tell you some events since that night. One day she calls me and I didn't pick up, but I called back. She wanted me to go to this Gala with her where I clearly said I wouldn't go with her before, but she still insisted. I said NO. What did that accomplish? I'll tell you. It made her realize that I wasn't just going to sit around and mope about her. It may have gotten her upset, but if that's the case, then why did she ask me to fix her computer a week later? You've got to understand that being on the receiving end of the breakup is less pressure and probably better off. Since then, I have blocked her on MSN. Another big step. Now she decides to contact my sister and ask how I'm doing. It turns out she is "scared" to talk to me, because she doesn't think I want to talk to her. Despite all these events, I may have read into them quite a lot, but I never once caved. This would make me vulnerable and I'm not going to lose that within myself. All this being said, it goes back to my original question. Why let one person ruin your life? I was sick and depressed and lost my appetite, but I knew that there was a way that I could redeem myself. Breaking the contact was the best thing I've done and also the hardest. One month in and I feel like a new person. I'm going out and experiencing so much more than I ever imagined. And I'm going out because I want to, before it was because I forced myself. After a while, you get used to it and it all becomes fun again. Now comes the best part. I have made NEW friends and I have a lot of LADIES that are fun to be with. No, I don't want to date any of them, but this has definitely helped me cope.

Bottom line is, nester, you need to build that strength and confidence within yourself. There are so many people on this forum that are in your position and if you notice the successful ones have broken ALL contact and decided to move on. I once told another person that when you first break contact, you think that the ex is going to miss you, because they don't have that sense of comfort and they may need it back. What you will soon realize that breaking contact will help YOU heal a lot faster than worrying about whether or not to respond. I suggest that the day you decide to respond will be the day when you don't really care what she says. Harsh, not really. It just shows that you have finally gained that strength you know you can have.

I'll just leave you with one last thought and despite what I say, it's all advice and suggestions. I have unblocked my ex on MSN. If she decides to message me, I will choose to message her back, but be stern. I know that if she ends up being stubborn, I'll just block her again. This is to give her the idea that I'm doing fine. And truth be told I am doing fine. My life is content with or without her.

Nester, just keep with the no contact and as everyone says, it WILL get better. Just let it happen.

Cdoc

[nester]

What swingers? I know their are a couple by that title

Im sorry to hear all this man. There isnt much any of us can tell you. You know our thoughts, and its up to you whether or not you want to take our advice. Did you ever see swingers? Its a great flick to watch when you're feeling down. Things WILL get better man, you jsut have to have to accept some things first.

[C1d6OC]

Oh and one last thing. Read my post [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t6239-i-was-skepticalbut-its-working.html[/url]. It may shed some light for you. Just another suggestion.

[nester]

Nester, just keep with the no contact and as everyone says, it WILL get better. Just let it happen.
Cdoc

Im doing OK with the no contact. It's not what bothers me. In all reality I dont really think about contacting her...I'm just so upset all the time. I just feel like I've reached a point of no return. I just want to be happpy again.

[C1d6OC]

Im doing OK with the no contact. It's not what bothers me. In all reality I dont really think about contacting her...I'm just so upset all the time. I just feel like I've reached a point of no return. I just want to be happpy again.

Everyone has their own way of coping and it's good that you're doing OK with the no contact. I think where your problem lies is that you need to get out more. You said that your friends are her friends. So who's to say you can't go out and get new ones? It's not easy, but if you try, it won't hurt. I'm sure you have at least one buddy you can confront and go out with him to meet new people. As far as being happy, you need to do things you've always done to get you to feel that way again. Everyone has different "passions". For me, it is my music, because it gives me a way to express how I feel and I feel that much better. Don't say you don't have anything, because everyone does. Whether it be sports, reading, weightlifting, dancing, anything. I don't know what else to say. I'm just trying to help. Unfortunately you may not want to do these things, but you have to force yourself. Think for yourself, because that's all you can do right now.

Cdoc

[inkeepingsecret]

The swingers with Vince vaughn.

In regards to your ("I'm just so upset all the time. I just feel like I've reached a point of no return. I just want to be happpy again.") Do you still think in your mind that you will:
1. Get back with her
2. Never be able to find someone that would compare to her
3. Never be able to move on
4. only be happy with her

These thoughts are there i know, but they are far from the truth. The truth is, that you may not be OK for some time, utill you get these thoughts out of your head. There is no one to blame here, and the reality is that it probably was for the best. Don't beat yourself up man.

I was in your shoes, i felt like life was meaningless, i was lonely and probably fet everything that you are feeling. You need to go out, meet people, and force yourself to stop thinking about her. Dont listen to sappy music. Throw away all the "memories." Accept the fact that it is OVER, and there is nothing you can do about it. YOu will be a better person from all this...... Trust me!!!!