devistated and confused

[nester]

I really have no where to turn so I am hoping someone here can help me. My soulmate for 4 years broke up with me over a week ago and I don't know what to do with myself. Anyone who knows us is shocked as much as myself. She says that she doesn't think that I am the one, but she also says she still loves me. She says she is feeling attracted to others and thats not right. I know what she means because I have felt the same way at times, but always realized that that was just hormones and that I reallly love her. I can't help but think that she will come back to me, But I am such a mess right now. What do I do to show her how much I love her, I was planning on asking her to marry me this summer. I am so messed up right now and have nowhere to turn, I really want her back in my life. I have even gone to the extent of getting some of those ebooks claiming to help you get your partner back...Is their any females out their who have gone through this with their boyfriends and how long should I give her? Please help

[ka_xx]

Hi nester. Wow I really feel for you i've gone through the same sort of thing. My bf of 3 years broke up with me, and everyone was soo shocked. Now you really need to give her space. What I've discovered the most is that if you act like you are okay, and say you've been going out, hanging with friends and all, she will have a change of mind. Maybe she was getting scared or something. I don't really know, and I know it doesn't really sound like the best way to gain a relationship back, but for some reason reverse psychology works (if that is what its called). Right now, I have been acting very strong, and my ex bf and I have plans on going out for a "date" although it's not a real date it really is. (you can read my post if you want [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t5629-need-some-opinions.html[/url]). Anyways, I gave him a lot of time to think about everything, I didn't crowd his space. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say:S

[schueys_girl]

Hey mate. I feel for you too. My bf and i broke up last year and everyone was shocked. Same advice for u as Ka xx, give her space, dont initiate any contact (tough i know) and just get on with your life. See your friendsm throw yourself into work and start a new hobby.
I know its hard but I had made the mistake of chasing and pestering and ex and it never works, so when my bf dumped me i completely left him alone, not even a phonecall. 5 months later he comes chasing me back and things are great now, and i truly believe he did it because he had the chance to have his own space and do his own thing, and realised that he was missing me, so came back for me.
Good luck mate, its hard but whatever the outcome you'll get thru it xxx

[cycletease]

The advice given here is right, you need to leave her alone. No love letters, no phone calls, no cards on her car. This is easier said than done, I know, but you must if you ever want her back. I know that this is consuming your every thought, that you are desperate and heartbroken. We all know exactly how it feels, but you need to put your emotions on hold and use your head if you want her back.

This girl sounds like a good one to me. If she broke up with you because she was feeling attracted to others she is trying to be really fair to you. I did this very same thing with my boyfriend of 7 years. He sent me flowers every day, called me, showed up at my house, sent me letters...wouldn't leave me alone. I guess I had always expected we would get back together but that did not happen.

This was 5 years ago now and I can reflect back on the relationship more clearly. I became attracted to other people because I was divesting myself from the relationship. There were problems with our relationship (like everyone's) but they went so long without being fixed my mind started to move on. It wasn't about wanting other guys, it was about wanting a better relationship.

Now this is just my experience and your girl may be feeling something totally different. Perhaps she is really young and is afraid she is making a mistake not having more experience. I don't know and neither do you...she may not even know for sure. You do know she was having doubts and there is nothing you can do to change that. SHE has to reflect and work through her own doubts for herself.

Here is what you should do: Go out, have fun (or fake it), see friends, go to concerts and stay busy. Go on living a life that she will want to be a part of. You sitting at home holed up, depressed is not going to make her swell up with love and longing. You flying to new york to see a broadway show, go to a museum opening and eat at a great restaurant will definitely peak some interest. Obviously, this is an exageration since you probably can't do those things, but you see my point. Make yourself fun and interesting so that she will miss that part of your relationship.

Next, if this girl cares about you and you have a chance, she will call you when she is ready. WAIT for her to call. This is not a game that you would play as a single guy, this is respecting her need for space. Let her come to you when she is ready. At that time, DO NOT pour your heart out and tell her how much you miss her and love her. ACT COOL. Be interested in her, be heart felt and kind, but do not shove your emotions on her. She needs to work on her feelings right now, not yours.

When she invites you to things, go or don't go at your choosing but do not blow her off. Also, do not act like an overeager puppy when you get a chance to see her. It will just make her feel bad and make her more confused.

When the time comes where she tells you that she misses you and can't live without you, then you can tell her that you love her also, but please wait to propose.

OK, you are a man on a mission. You have a plan, now get to it!

[ka_xx]

wow such good advice!!!

[Cybog]

but you need to put your emotions on hold and use your head

I wish I could cut and paste this on about 99% of the threads started in this forum.

Is their any females out their who have gone through this with their boyfriends and how long should I give her? Please help

How long you should give her for what? All the ebooks and advice and ideas in the world won't change what she said. "We are finished..."

I agree with cycletease on the fact that you need to ignore her and move on. I, however, would tell you to start learning what the words "finished" actually mean. Anytime a woman tells you that the relationship is over, you need to learn how to handle that. By ending it.

Is it easy? Hell no. But the more you pine and obsess over this girl and try so hard to "win her back", the more of a mess you will become. Her being attracted to other people translates into a few things:

1. She is already romantically/physically interested/involved in/with someone else.
2. You aren't "The One", and she wants to find him.
3. She feels like this relationship is going nowhere and wants to move on in her life.
4. The two of you have been pretty exclusive and she wants to try "new things" in life.

There is always more to it than "I am feeling attracted to others" at the end of a 4 year relationship. Im certian there is more to it than this.

[misombra]

i completely agree with the last two posts.

you will look at this situation in retrospect and wonder why you wasted so much time obsessing over a girl who simply wasn't the right one for you.

you have to accept that the odds are she won't get back together with you, whether she does or not.

[bluesummer]

Let me tell you something....I was in a relationship with my ex for five years. The last year of our relationship (which was pretty good), I realized that I had started to have feelings for other people. Wondering what it would be like to date other people. Wondering what it would like to be SINGLE. I went to my bf with this and fortunately he was feeling the same. It shocked a lot of people; hell,, it shocked ME. It just happens, even in good relationships where you are convinced you have found the perfect person. It's pretty normal and the best thing to do is just accept it and move on. DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER. She obviously has some things she wants to sort out on her own, or things she wants to experience. Let her have that. If you leave her alone, and the relationship is as important to her as it is to you, she will return in time. If not, move on. Sounds harsh, but it is the ONLY way to do it, trust me.

[nester]

Did you get back together?

Let me tell you something....I was in a relationship with my ex for five years. The last year of our relationship (which was pretty good), I realized that I had started to have feelings for other people. Wondering what it would be like to date other people. Wondering what it would like to be SINGLE. I went to my bf with this and fortunately he was feeling the same. It shocked a lot of people; hell,, it shocked ME. It just happens, even in good relationships where you are convinced you have found the perfect person. It's pretty normal and the best thing to do is just accept it and move on. DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER. She obviously has some things she wants to sort out on her own, or things she wants to experience. Let her have that. If you leave her alone, and the relationship is as important to her as it is to you, she will return in time. If not, move on. Sounds harsh, but it is the ONLY way to do it, trust me.

[bluesummer]

Did you get back together?

No, both of us have been in a committed relationship with someone else since we broke up (3 years ago). Amazing to find you can love again, but you really can.

And after three years, both of us finally managed to screw our heads on straight and find answers to stuff we were preventing each other from finding. We are much better people now. If I wasn't with my bf now (whom I love incredibly), I would actually be interested in giving it another shot with him. So like I said, let it be.....good things will come either way.

[nester]

i'm trying to, it's just the thought of us getting back together is one of the only things keeping me together. She called last night but I was not home. I don't think I will call her back...good idea right? I was thinking a text message today to say good luck because she starts a new job, but I'm not sure.

No, both of us have been in a committed relationship with someone else since we broke up (3 years ago). Amazing to find you can love again, but you really can.

And after three years, both of us finally managed to screw our heads on straight and find answers to stuff we were preventing each other from finding. We are much better people now. If I wasn't with my bf now (whom I love incredibly), I would actually be interested in giving it another shot with him. So like I said, let it be.....good things will come either way.

[inkeepingsecret]

dont send the message...

[nester]

dont send the message...

what is your reasoning behind that if I may ask?

[D'Artagnan]

what is your reasoning behind that if I may ask?

because it breaks the no contact strategy. it might seem like a small thing, but it all counts. remember, she can't miss you if you're always there.

[nester]

what if she calls me, do i just ignore the call?

because it breaks the no contact strategy. it might seem like a small thing, but it all counts. remember, she can't miss you if you're always there.