Why did he leave me?

[lazyblue]

Ok, so i know no one can give me a definitive answer to my question, but i'm looking for peoples thoughts and views on why my boyfriend left me. I'll try and make it brief...

I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. I was 18 and he was 19 when we first got together. I thought that our relationship was solid and i thought we were happy. I also thought that things were just about to get better because he is about to start a brilliant new job, we had talked about marriage and we were looking at flats to buy. I should point out that we used to live together for a few years, but he got made redundant and im not working so we could no longer afford to live together. He moved back in with his parents as he didn't know when and where he would find a job so didn't want to be committed to a housing contract. I moved to London (40 min drive away) and said that i would move to where ever he got a job. That was just over a year ago and we saw each other nearly every weekend and sometimes in between. It was great as it meant that we valued our time together a lot.

He found out a couple of months ago that he had got a job in London, so we were both very excited. The plan was to live apart for a year as it would be cheaper and then buy our own place this time next year.

About a month ago he asked me to get my engagement ring finger measured, so i knew everything was going great and it felt like finally everything we had waited for for so long was finally going to happen. A few weeks ago i went away for 2 weeks on a family holiday as my sister was getting married abroad (he couldn't afford to come). The first week i was away he seemed fine, we only spoke through FaceBook and texts, but all seemed normal- he told me he missed/loved me etc as he usually does. During the 2nd week he seemed funny. He didn't always reply to my messages and when he did they weren't chatty and he didn't say things like he missed/loved me. One night when i was away i had a dream that he left me because he was no longer in love with me. This dream bothered me so much i asked if it was true. He said no (which later turned out to be not true, he just wanted to tell me to my face, which i respect), but i wasn't convinced. I don't know why, but i just felt like i KNEW he was going to leave me and i never wanted to get back on the plane to England.

As soon as i saw him when i got back he said that he doesn't think he loves me like he used to and that he didn't miss me like he used to and like he thought he would so he said he wanted to end things. But, when it came to leaving he couldn't do it. He kept saying he wasn't sure whether he is making a massive mistake and that what if his head has just got a bit mixed up for a couple of weeks. He really wanted to try and make it work and so did i. We quickly realised though that this is not something you can work on- i cant make him love me. He said it didn't feel right being with me if he didn't feel the same way about me as i feel about him. I also couldn't stay because it hurt too much to be with him if he didn't feel the same about me So a couple of days later we ended it. It was a very "nice" breakup. There were no heated arguments or angry words- just lots of hugs, tears and well wishes.

It was a really hard decision for him and he really wasn't sure if he was making the right choice (he kept saying things like he THINKS that this is what he wants and that he THINKS he doesn't love me like he used to).

I just cannot understand how he can completely change in the1-2 weeks i was away. Everyone who doesn't know him keeps saying he must have cheated, and i suspect that i will get this response here too. When i asked people that do know him what they think about this they all say that it hadn't even crossed their minds. He really isn't the type of person to cheat. I did however ask him even though i felt like i didn't need to and he said that he knows that it looks like that, but he really didn't. I know when he is lying and i am 99% sure he was telling the truth. He is very open and honest and i believe that if he did cheat he would have told me. I also asked if there was anyone that he just had his eye on, but wanted to break up with me before he took it any further. Again, he said no. I explained that if this is the case then i would rather he just told me, he can't help the way he feels and i would respect that he broke it off with me before doing something with anyone else. But, still he said no and i believe him. He said he doesn't even want to think about getting in another relationship right now.

So, here i am. My head is in a mess. I cannot understand what has happened. It all happened so quickly and i feel like he hasn't given me a solid reason to get my head around (i believe he gave me the best reason he could though). I asked him how long he had felt like this and he said that there was nothing wrong before i left, its just the time apart made him realise a few things. I cannot understand how this has happened so quickly- you don't just fall out of love with someone you have been with for 6 years and were thinking about marrying in the space of a week or 2.

I have a few of my own explanations for what has happened, but i have no idea whether i am thinking along the right lines because he just kept saying that he doesn't know why things have changed.

1. He has got cold feet. My sisters marriage and the fact he wanted to get engaged and we were looking at places to buy etc has completely freaked him out. Up until now it had all just been talk, but now it was about to become a reality. Maybe the time apart has made him think about whether he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

2. As he was 19 when we got together he hasn't had a chance to be free and single as an adult and maybe he wants to do his own thing for a while before he settles down with someone. Maybe he was worried that if he didn't do it now, he never would be able to.

3. He is just about to start a new job, move to a new city + all the marriage stuff has made him re-evaluate his own life and what he wants and he just thinks theres no room for me in his future any more.

4. The first week i was away he went on a cheap holiday to see a friend. The second week he mostly spent it seeing friends in England and he has just got caught up in all the excitement of having things to do, being able to do as he pleases for those 2 weeks etc and has mistaken all that excitement for not missing me and thinking he doesn't love me as much as he used to.

Since we broke up, i have to admit, although i am really sad about it, i hadn't really been feeling as bad as i ever imagined i would. This got me seriously wondering whether i had loved him as much as i thought i did. But this morning, i woke up with a real pain in my heart and an emptiness in my stomach. I then realised that since we broke up, i have been throwing myself into doing as many things as possible and that has distracted me from how much i have missed him and how much i love him, so i am wondering if the same thing is what happened to him (as per number 4).

Most of my friends/ family who know him are all saying the same thing. They believe that he has just got a little lost and will come back soon. I have to say, i had a gut instinct that he was going to leave me and i feel like i have a gut instinct that he will come back in a couple of months once everything has settled down. I am very aware though that this could just be wishful thinking so i am trying not to let myself think like that. I am just so confused, i don't know what to think.

I guess maybe part of the reason i feel like its not totally over is that we have a lot of shared stuff from when we were living together. We never really discussed what to do with it all, it just felt unimportant. I've got some of his furniture in my room etc and i guess i'm thinking "well if it was over he would ask for it back". It could just be that he doesn't really care about it though, because at the end of the day, its just "stuff". So that along with the fact he made his mind up so quickly and was so unsure (oh and he asked if he ever changes his mind could he get back in contact) makes me confused about whether it really is over for good.

Wow, sorry for the essay! I just wanted to explain things properly so hopefully you will all understand. We haven't spoken since the split, i want to give him space to sort his head out, but i wish i knew what he was thinking.

Anyway, thoughts and views would be very much appreciated.

[Henry123]

It could be a number of reasons.
His hormones probably did it. He wanted to check out whats on the other side of the hill and started checking out other women.
I dont think he was prepare to commit. Always wondering what he could be missing with life.
Most people who get married early end up in divorce somewhere down the roads. Usually with the thought of 'what they could be missing from life'.

[lazyblue]

Thats the thing, i never ever thought of him as the type of person who is scared to commit. Hes always talked about children and marriage from early on in our relationship. I guess thats just talk though and when it came down to it, he couldn't do it (possibly). Your last sentence does give me some comfort in a weird way. I always knew the odds were stacked against us because of the age we got together and i keep thinking maybe if i find someone else it will be much more likely to last...if that makes sense.

Just to add, i'm his first girlfriend so i would completely understand if the thought of only ever being with one woman scared the crap out of him

[senokotmax]

I read your story thoroughly and I am sorry that this has happened to you (truly).

I think, as a guy, its possible that he was "plodding along" in the relationship and was following the beaten track, doing what he thought was right to do. Pushing to engagement, the next logical step.

Perhaps he simply was not ready for that. Maybe when you were away he realised there is a whole world of opportunities out there and although he doesnt want anyone else, he simply isnt ready to tie himself town (since hes been with you from such a young age).

I think, try and think of this as a good thing for you. If you HAD gotten married whilst these doubts were festering deep within him, you would ultimately end up facing divorce. Better he get it out now! If he comes back to you and you accept him, brilliant! He's yours! If he doesn't, you've saved yourself a horrible divorce!

Take a bit of the power back from him. Guys hate that. Avoid him. DON'T contact him at all. If he texts you, don't reply. Don't answer his calls. Let him know you're not as interested - he might just realise what he is missing. But you HAVE to give him the chance to miss you.

I hope all works out for the best for you. Use this time to take a break for yourself. Do some of the things you've been wanting to do! Reconnect with old friends, get yourself busy again. You might just find that single life isn't so bad.

[smackie9]

I'm gonna go with #2 and the possability of meeting someone that he was attractive to and thought "well maybe I'm not ready for a marriage quite yet". When someone does a 180, it usually means they have found another interest......I doubt he cheated on you, but he wanted to make sure to end it properly before persuing someone new.

They say in mens articles that they need up to 3 months to decide if the want to come back, so that being said give him some space and see where it goes.

[lazyblue]

Thank you senokotmax, your post made me cry...in a good way.

I think you could be right about "plodding along" and realising there's a whole world of opportunities out there for him. I never stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do, but i think most people need to be on their own as an adult for a while to work out who they really are.

I am trying to see this in a positive way and i have already been doing things i wouldn't normally do and i've meet up with an old school friend a couple of times. I realised that i haven't fully developed into an adult on my own- just as one half of a couple, so i see this as an opportunity to make myself a stronger person.

I am so glad that he was completely honest with me and ended it when he did then just get married, have children etc if it wasn't truly what he wanted. I really appreciate and respect him for that. As you said things could have been way worse if he did.

Its hard, but i'm not going to contact him. As you say, i need to let him miss me and i want him to make his own way back (if he does come back). Its hard though, because above anything else, i just want to know he is doing ok.

[lazyblue]

Oh, i didn't know that about the 3 month thing, smackie9. Thats interesting to know. I mean obviously its just a generalisation but its interesting to know that time frame. I can't sit around and wait for something that might never happen, i need to move on, but i want to give him space and some time to figure out what he wants first.

I'm glad that so far no one thinks he cheated. As much as it hurts, if he has found someone else, then i would be ok with that, so long as he did the decent and respectful thing and ended it with me first. If he did meet someone i think it would be more of a case of making him realise that maybe im not the one for him, rather than leaving me for someone else if that makes sense...i really don't think he would jump straight into another relationship.

[senokotmax]

My girlfriend of five years has done the exact same thing to me more or less. She swears blind that there is nobody else and I believe her because I trust her completely. She just wants to be single, she's happier alone.

It's hard as hell... my head tries to tell me it's for the best that it happened now, but my heart hurts so badly for it. It's the worst feeling in the world.

I've gotten through it so far by keeping myself busy, trying new things (like take up cooking), treat yourself a bit more often, try and make new routines. Leave your mobile phone in the car when you go to work. The person you used to text all the time is not there anymore. You won't be tempted if your phone is not with you all day...

I didn't give her any space at all really and it's just pushed her further and further away - that has been my biggest mistake. So no contact would be the biggest piece of advice to give..

[lazyblue]

I'm so sorry to hear that

Thanks for the tips.

I feel like my ex probably just wants to be single as well. After being together for so long from a young age he probably just wants to be single to figure out what he wants from life. I don't blame him, he can't help the way he feels but it hurts so much knowing that my best friend is not going to be in my life any more. I miss him so much.

As you say, it really is for the best it happened now, doesn't really make it any easier though does it?

So far i've managed to avoid contacting my ex. But im going out tomorrow for a few drinks with my housemate and i don't trust myself not to text him. My housemate is going through a break up too so we have decided to write the phone numbers of our exes down and swap numbers. That way we can delete them from our phones, but know that if we really need to, we can get in contact but we cant make any sudden (drunken or sober) decisions to text them. I've just got to make sure i don't email him instead.

I know i need to give him space, its something that i am learning from everyone else's mistakes. I really want to let him go so that he comes back of his own accord, but its so hard knowing that he just might not come back. If i'm honest, the only thing really that is stopping me from contacting him is that we had such a great breakup (if that makes sense). I feel really proud of both of us for being so warm and loving to each other right until our final words that i don't want to bombard him with messages and have things turn sour. We hardly ever argued during our 6 years together so i don't want to start arguing with him now. The last thing he said to me was "i will never forget you" and thats such a nice memory that i don't want to ruin it...makes me cry every time i think about it though. It seems so final.

[senokotmax]

Be strong!!

[lazyblue]

Thanks, i'm managing so far. I went out last night and got quite drunk. Initially all i could think of was him, i wasn't tempted to email/FaceBook him, but i just wanted him by my side. As the evening wore on, i started to forget about him. I got a bit of attention from some guys which was nice as tbh, im not the most attractive person ever and i didn't really bother to make an effort with my appearance. I'm sure if they saw me sober they wouldn't give me a second glance, but hey, who cares. So that was nice for my confidence, but i just wasn't interested- much too soon for me.

My main battle right now is that every day i seem to miss him more and more. The first couple of days after the breakup i was absolutely crushed. Then i started to see the positive in the situation and although i was sad, i was doing OK. I think the excitement of the mystery of what the future will hold for me sort of took over my thoughts. Then a couple of nights ago i kept waking up thinking the whole situation wasn't real. Since then, i haven't been able to get him out of my head and i keep feeling like i am in a bad dream and i have to remind myself that this is really happening. I guess i am having a delayed reaction to the breakup. I keep wondering if he is or will have the same delayed reaction i am having and will regret his decision. Its so hard not knowing what he is thinking

[smackie9]

A break up is no different than dealing with a death of a loved one. You are going through the grieving process, sadness, loss, hurt, confusion, feeling of rejection and failure, etc. Eventually the pain wears off, and week by week you will start to feel much better...I find after about the second week there is a noticeable difference, a calmness, and maybe a feeling hope for a new future. In time you will heal, and happiness will return. It's all about adjusting to a life without that person, but you must fill in that void with keeping busy, spending time with good friends, meeting new people, maybe a change of scenery like going on a trip. The best thing you can do is stop the what ifs, of what I could have done differently or wonder what he's thinking, could he, would he, etc. I know it's very difficult, but you will get through this.

[lazyblue]

I'm trying so hard to not think about the 'what ifs' or think that he will change his mind. I don't want to be that woman who deludes herself, i want to want to move on. Its really hard though because it seems like most of my friends are of the opinion that he has just got cold feet about committing the rest of his life to me since we have been together from a young age and that once he is over that (and once the novelty of being free and single has worn off) he will come back. Plus the fact that, as mentioned before, he was really unsure of his decision and he hasn't asked for any of his stuff back or anything makes it hard to want to move on. It feels like its not really over.

I just wish he would put me out of my misery and tell me that he is 100% sure he never wants to be with me again. But i know he won't do that, he won't want to completely cut his loses because who knows how he will feel in the future. I mean he is obviously confused if one day he is thinking about proposing and then about 3 weeks later, without warning, he is ending it because he thinks he doesn't love me any more. I don't want to push him for a decision because i want him to find his own way back. I mean, i know it probably is over, but 'probably' isn't 'definitely'...'probably' has some hope attached to it.

Thanks for everyone's advice, its really helping me. I've never been through a serious breakup before so i would be lost without other people giving me the benefit of their experiences.

[Wakeup]

I guess it's my age (as I'm older than most of you) but I fail to see the need to know a reasons. He's given you a reason (He doesn't feel the love anymore).

I mean obviously its just a generalisation but its interesting to know that time frame. I can't sit around and wait for something that might never happen, i need to move on, but i want to give him space and some time to figure out what he wants first.

You're right, you shouldn't wait around for him and you should take this time in your single life to get a good job, so that your self-sufficient. Learn to be happy while single, do things you've always wanted to do but haven't had the time or motivation to do them. You haven't accepted it's over yet which is understantable because the breakup is so new... You'd do yourself a service to accept and don't expect that in three months he'll come back to you. Just work on YOU and being the best you that you can be. That's what he's doing by the sounds of things.

[lazyblue]

I guess it's my age (as I'm older than most of you) but I fail to see the need to know a reasons. He's given you a reason (He doesn't feel the love anymore).

I understand what you are saying but i just find it hard to get my head around the reason, which i think is making it hard to move on. It wasn't "I dont love you any more" it was "i don't THINK i love you like i used to"-which is very vague and unsure. I accept that he gave me the best reason he could at the time, but its not a very strong reason, which i guess is what is making it hard to move on. I feel like he is just confused and doesn't know what he wants (plus the whole asking me to get my engagement ring finger measured then leaving me a few weeks later, just confirms this for me). I'm more than happy to wait for him if i KNEW he would come back, but no one can know that.

You're right though, the sooner i accept that it is over the better. Again, the reasons above are making it hard to accept and part of me wants to hold on just in case. Which is stupid, i know. Not only may he never come back, but its a dangerous way to think because how long do i hold out for? a month? 3 months? 6 months? If i let myself go down that route then i worry i will never move on. My mum has wasted 8 years of her life with a complete loser who wont commit to her because she wont let go and move on. I don't see those 6 years with my ex as a waste, far from it, but anything from now on will be a waste if i sit around for him.