My bf drinks a lot, how can I stop him?

[lovepanda]

My bf drinks a lot, how can I stop him?
He knows I hate him drinking because he becomes someone else when he is drinking.
He doesn't hit me or abuse me when he's drinking.
But he ignores my feeling; he is loud when I need to study; he doesn't listen ...
It makes me think that he hates me when he is drinking.
We have had tons of arguments and discussions about it but he just won't stop.
He would make a promise to me of not drinking for a period of time then forget about it couple days or even just a week later.
When I don't need him promise me anything, he gets mad of me not trusting him.
What should I do?

[misombra]

Dump him.
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[MaidenMinx]

This is not an easy fix. If his drinking turns him into a jerk (and believe me I can relate) tell him you don't want him drunk around you. Is there a number of drinks that turns him in to a jerk? Is it a particular alcohol?

examples : After beer 6 of standard domestic Aussie beers he starts to become a dick and I start planning how soon I will go to bed. He can have double that when he is drinking Becks because of the lack of preservatives etc. I do not allow dark rum in my house, and I have no tolerance for my husband when he has mixed his drinks, again I just go to bed. I would love to see my husband stop drinking (mostly for his health) but I have always known I can not stop him from drinking. By being reasonable and accepting that this a 2 steps forward one step back situation we have managed to curb his drinking to a point where we are both content. He doesn't feel like I have taken away something he enjoys and I feel like he has changed quite a bit for me.

Hope this helps.

[lovepanda]

Thanks for your advice, but it doesn't matter what kind of alcohol he's drinking. He would drink anything except Tequila I think.
Going to bed won't help me. When we were living in an apartment, his voice still was too loud for me if I wanted to sleep or study for school.
Recently we have moved into my mom's house and living in one room and it gets worse for me.
When he is loud, I can't sleep and I have nowhere to go.
Sometimes I get home from work and will find him drinking for 2 days straight.
And when he plays games with his friends, he will buy drinks and he is a big gamer.
I don't understand why he needs drinks to play games with his friends. I asked if it means no fun to play games even with his friends if he's not drinking.
But he said it would be more fun.

[MerryH]

You can't stop him. He has to want to stop. It's cliched, but it's true.

Try [url=http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/]Al-Anon[/url], if you really want it to work out, I guess, but understand that it's going to be a huge struggle for you, and you'll basically be powerless over his drinking.

[HeartIsAching]

You can't stop him. You can either live with it, or break up with him.

[im_in_love]

You won't change him. I've seen this personally before, and being right outside the relationship, I could have a clear opinion on the situation. He clearly doesn't care that this affects you, otherwise he would stop for good. He has to actually want to do it, not just want to make you happy. Either live with it, or leave him (and he'll continue to drink even after you leave him - don't think that will wake him up so you can get back together)

[Wakeup]

Read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie and go to Alanon meetings so that you quit YOUR addiction known as codependency.

Your need to control outcomes and your nagging will not make this man quit drinking. All you can do is show him by example (re: meetings) or quit enabliing him to be the man he currently is by leaving him if you don't like what he does.

Sorry, but there is no way you will get him to quit until he has a good reason to and he wants to.

He has to actually want to do it, not just want to make you happy. Either live with it, or leave him (and he'll continue to drink even after you leave him - don't think that will wake him up so you can get back together)

That is not absolute. However; She'll never know unless she actually leaves and she shouldn't leave with that expectation... that would just be another attempt at control.

Either way, Al-anon will help you accept the things you cannot change while you continue to live with him which will give you some peace or they will support you emotionally should you decide to leave.

Unfortunately It's more than likely you'll do none of the things suggested in this thread... At least no in the near future anyway. Perhaps you'll prove me wrong, oP.

[maxmax]

You can't stop him. You can either live with it, or break up with him.

Not sure it needs to be as black and white as that.

You could try negotiating with him and seeing whether he is willing to compromise and change where, how and what he drinks.

If he is still unwilling to change, perhaps then you need to consider whether you can really live with it or not.

Frankly, if he is ignoring the impact his drinking is having on you, he is either weak willed, or simply selfish. Neither is good for him, or you, but both can be addressed if he wants to.

[HeartIsAching]

Not sure it needs to be as black and white as that.

You could try negotiating with him and seeing whether he is willing to compromise and change where, how and what he drinks.

If he is still unwilling to change, perhaps then you need to consider whether you can really live with it or not.

Frankly, if he is ignoring the impact his drinking is having on you, he is either weak willed, or simply selfish. Neither is good for him, or you, but both can be addressed if he wants to.

It's obvious you've never tried to get a drinker to stop drinking. It just doesn't work that way.

[lahnnabell]

You say he doesn't abuse you, but his willingness to hurt you and your relationship by abusing his body IS abuse.

I dated an alcoholic who would go through brief periods of sobriety, but slowly but surely he'd be right back at it. Drinking himself stupid, sometimes driving like that. I enabled him for a while because for some reason I couldn't see my life without him. If I had enough self-respect I would've realized that I held a lot of power in potentially helping him to stop or get help. If I had stopped indulging his 2am drunk dials and decided not to be around for his day-long hangover the following day, he might've smartened up enough to seek help. But I babied him instead.

I know he still drinks excessively and I know it's because he feels unfulfilled in some way. I also think he's got some strange delusions from idolizing McNulty from The Wire. Ultimately, you can't fix your boyfriend, but you CAN stop enabling him which will lay the ground work for him to seek help. Typically though, you need a united front and it would help to have his other friends and family members on board.