Difficult to let go

[LovePain]

We have been together for about 2 years, the last few months have been like a rollercoaster. His insecurity made things worse. Yes i made mistake. And he said he had forgiven me. But he kept getting angry over the same thing and I put up with that. Because I knew that he would soon calmed down. So it has been like that for few months. It was like we broke up and got back together over and over again. I took care of him. And damn I did take good care of him.

Today he just pushed me away. And somehow this time I knew it was the end. He told me that I should let go and move on. Easy for him to say. His emotions were so hard to deal with. He would be OK for few days, then he would get angry for a day or two. He would start bringing up the past.

I'm so upset with the whole thing. We have been through so much and I have put up with his ups and downs. Now that he didn't think he could cope, he wanted to end it. I have been there for him to listen while he took his anger at me. I'm so mad that when I told him i needed him, he told me to go find another guy. I'm so angry!! But at the same time, I'm so scared to move on. How could I love someone who has been so abusive? Why did I put up with his crap? The more I put up with him, the more i understand him and the more I could accept him. How f**ked up am I?

It hurts so much to let him go. I know it's the right thing to do and i know i deserve someone better, but it upsets me that when he can't cope, things get difficult, that he would just push me away. how could he do that?? he made me feel so irrelevant. he made me feel so unworthy. it really hurts.

[smackie9]

I need more details...what kind of abuse? And what mistake did you make to get him to this point? What are your ages?

[Kyeema]

It hurts so much to let him go. I know it's the right thing to do and i know i deserve someone better, but it upsets me that when he can't cope, things get difficult, that he would just push me away. how could he do that??

I'm wondering about that myself... how could anybody do that? Probably because for them running away from problems and responisibility is the easiest thing to do. I think it's kind of a character thing... you have it or you don't... yet, the only important question is: do you want someone like that in your life?

he made me feel so irrelevant. he made me feel so unworthy. it really hurts.

Nobody deserves to feel irrelevant or unworthy. Of course that hurts! But in the end... staying with him would mean endless pain, wouldn't it?

Yes, you deserve better... and you will get better! Promise!

Big hug
Kyeema

[LovePain]

he has some kind of borderline disorder. we both are 30+
My mistake was that I flirted with someone else. I know it was bad but nothing else happened. although he said he has forgiven me, he never really has. and he would bring that up over and over again. he would be ok for few days, then he would get mad and started calling me names. made me feel so small and worthless
i know it was my fault, i know i should have been more honest with him when things got difficult. I'm not going to defend myself.
i guess this is bound to happen. i know that. but it's still so hard to accept that he has given up. hurts so much.. i can't blame him that he doesnt want to work things out. afterall, it was my fault.

[LovePain]

thanks kyeema.
i'm still trying to deal with this. mornings are always the hardest. i force myself to get up and go to work so i won't be sobbing at home all day. but sometimes i just cant control myself. i would be sobbing at work.
i had break ups before, but somehow this one is so hard...
now i feel like giving myself a good kick for what i have done. stupid stupid me!!

[Kyeema]

I understand he is feeling mad about you flirting with another guy. And of course he needs time to process that why he brings it up again and again. What I don't like, however, is that he's calling you names and makes you feel worthless and small. And at some point you have to let go: either you forgive or you don't. He obviously can't.

I assume you had problems long before the flirt-thing, hadn't you? So this somehow was just the last straw... could that be right?

Being with a "borderliner" is never easy - of course being a borderliner is neither. There are plenty of books which help partners and family understand and cope with this personality disorder.

I think feeling guilty makes this breakup so hard for you... you feel punished for one stupid unimportant mistake which meant nothing to you... but believe me this flirt-thing is not the reason for your break-up - there is more, probably was more long before...

So stop beating yourself up about it.... and... you're NOT stupid!

Even if it's so incredibly hard and painful at the moment, love and light will be in your life soon again... have a little faith!
Kyeema

[LovePain]

mornings are always the hardest. getting up and going to work, seeing happy people laughing. everything feels like a major effort for me.

the problem i realised with us is that we dont like confrontation. so when we saw problem, we brushed it aside, no discussion. he told me to let him know if he changed when he stopped taking his meds. so i did. and he just ignored me. i guess we haven't been really happy for a little while. and i was too afraid to talk about it. that's the part that i feel so guilty. it seems like everything is my fault. like i have nothing to live for. i feel so alone. my friends told me to move on. easy for them to say that. they dont understand how difficult it is. how could they understand?

i know i can't change the past. and i know that to work this out, it takes both side. if he didn't want to get help with his problem, I couldn't do anything. but somehow i can't stop blaming myself. i want to be with him so badly.

how did it get messed up? what was I thinking? so many times i told him that it was OK and that i loved him for who he is. everyone has problem... his emotional rollercoaster is hard but i can understand that. and i really want to be there for him. after all this, my feelings for him haven't changed one bit. how messed up is that?

[Kyeema]

Stop blaming yourself! It's both of you who created this situation. Neither of you talked about your problems, he didn't listen to you when you told him he changed... you both were afraid of talking about what was going on between the two of you.

Of course you feel alone... you were together with him for a long time. Of course you feel like you have nothing to live for... your life evolved around him for such a long time. Of course you can't just move on like your friends tell you, no matter how right they may be with what they say - would be nice if it worked that way. Break-up, move on. But it doesn't... simply because you can't just switch off love like that. There's no switch integrated in the human heart for that. It all takes time.

Give yourself time to grieve, understand that it is normal to feel the way you feel know. You just lost somebody you dearly loved! Be kind and patient with yourself.

I know I repeat myself, but things will get better again... this is something I really believe in, otherwise I would go insane - I also want my ex back so badly, still love him endlessly, although he hurt me so much and I know I could never trust him again... that's messed up, you could say, but no it is not, I think it is simply love, and love is never logical or rational...

So hang in there, cry, sob, go to work, feel the pain, talk about it with your friends, your therapist if you have one, post here and know that time heals and you will feel better soon!

Love and Light
Kyeema

PS. Things being worst in the mornings and everything being an effort could be signs of depression. Ever had that before? So please observe this for some time and if it does not change, think about seeking professional help.

[LovePain]

i guess i'm just so mad that i put up with his ups and downs all those times and he just ended it because he just had enough. i think i said that before. i keep repeating myself. i'm so angry! it's unfair!

but who am I to say what's fair or not? things happened for a reason and this one is because we both didn't want to admit the problem we had.

thanks Kyeema. Yes i would keep posting to keep me sane. i know time will heal. that this soon will be all behind me. it's just not soon enough. and somehow since i had been with him, i lost part of myself. i became part of him. so getting back on my own two feet is like a battle.

i have been seeing a GP for few months, when the whole 'abuse' started. he noticed that the way i spoke was very monotone, low and no energy. he eventually told me that i had depression, maybe a mild one, just after i snapped and broke down in front of him. i cried and cried and i just couldn't stop. he told me that he had been very controlling and he was very antisocial (we went to see the GP together few weeks before for my test result). he noticed that he had some behavior problem. he noticed that after one visit!! and i didnt notice after 2 years??!!!

my GP has referred me to a psych. i have had few sessions. not sure if it's any help at this point. i just i'm just going to let myself fall apart. yes... be kind and gentle to myself. i'm so broken. God i would give my life just to hold him right now.

[pisces25]

You don't see it now LovePain but he has done you a huge favour walking away. One day you will see that.

It is going to take a long time to process your feelings and start letting go but it will happen. Trust us on that.

Be grateful you don't have to put up with the BS anymore.

[LovePain]

i guess the unknown scares me. what's out there... and being alone again... it's scary.

[pisces25]

You're stressing over things that haven't even happened yet. Stay in the now and the future will take care of itself.

You know yourself it is better to be alone than with someone that makes you feel like shit. I am in the same boat and miss my ex like crazy. But when my mind wanders to him and the 'good' times I just remind myself how crap he made me feel about myself.

You need to be alone for a while to get yourself back to the point where you are happy and then a nice man will come along and treat you the way you deserve. Place faith in that.