After 3 years: GF less into me the past weeks

[LoneWolfie]

Hello people.

My girlfriend and i have been together for about 3 years now. And the first 6 months were a huge sugary sweetness fest of us being madly in love and 'perfect for each other' etc. It started to slowly drop down to a stable and affectionate relationship in which we communicated and spent time together on a daily basis.

The problem is that the past month she had a huge amount of VERY stressful exams which kinda limited our time together, i gave her the space to study and not stress her out more. She seemed less affectionate and a bit withdrawn, which is natural under those conditions.

After her last exam, friday last week, she went out clubbing with her friends to get drunk and de-stress. I sadly could not join her. I was hoping that we would atleast be able to spend more time together again after her exams and her having lots of free time. Sadly she seemed more interested in hanging out with her 'real life' friends or playing online videogames with her online friends. We still spent some time together but maybe an hour a day if i got lucky. She did seem to behave during our time together the same way she always has, random hugs, etc.

Last night as she decided to again go clubbing, first time she goes clubbing two weekends in a row in nearly 6 months, i sat down with her for a talk and i communicated my worries that she seemed less into me. She replied with "Dont know, i think maybe i am." This hit me like a slap in the face.

I asked if it was some behaviour in mine causing this or maybe the relationship getting stale. She said she wasnt sure but probably a mix of both and that "every relationship has it" .

For 3 years i have been struggling with the fear of her maybe losing interest in me and leaving me for someone else. I told her that last night and she told me she knows and that she is not dumping me.

So i asked if there is something we can do about it or if she feels this is something to be concerned about. She shrugged and said she didnt know as it is only since a week or two that she feels less into me.

I joked a little and said that if her feelings level off a bit it's fine as long as she still wants to marry me as we have been talking about since halfway in our relationship. She replied with "yeah" .

So i asked what about my behaviour might have changed or contributed to this. She said she guesses it is me being grumpy more often than before and her not finding me as funny as she used to. Which for her is a big thing as she's attracted to humor and confidence.

My grumpiness is caused by work related stress and might cause me to be more easily annoyed or upset if she is being difficult, which she admitted a while ago she is and she said it makes sense that im grumpy more easily.

I talked about my sense of humor and how we agreed a few weeks ago that if you hang around the same person every day for 3 years his/her sense of humor will grow stale and that my sense of humor has not changed much since we met. Again she replied with "yeah".

She also agreed that over the past 3 years she has changed, she has become more stable and less depressed at the cost of less bouncy-happy behaviour and sweetness.

I expressed that i wasnt sure how to take this and if our relationship is still stable and solid, maybe just getting routine. Or that maybe we have a problem developing. She wasnt sure and thinks we have to wait and see. She then added something that gave me a bit of hope: "Every relationship has a time when it gets a bit boring, less exciting and you get less attracted to the other person. If you're still happy together when it gets to that point it can last forever."

After she said that i asked her if she's still happy together with me and she confirmed that she is.

I offered to give her some space if she wants but she said "no" to that. So i said i would do what i have done the past 3 years. After which she said "alright" and gave me a hug. The conversation ended and she went to go to her own place to get ready to go out, she hugged me again and told me she would see me tomorrow.

I am sitting here in my room now, 24 hours later and i havent heard from her since, and i have no way of contacting her.

Should i be worried? Is it natural and will it be ok?

[lahnnabell]

You can't change how she feels, and I guarantee you that smothering her will only make it worse. How old are you guys by the way? If you guys were relatively young (late teens-early 20's) when you got together, then 3 years feels like an eternity and she may be ready to take her life in a different direction.

While you guys may have had initial fantasies of getting married and having kids sooner than later, those dreams often change. I know it did for me. I kept thinking every boyfriend was gonna be the one because of how passionately I felt for them in the beginning. And like every relationship, cracks started to form and we started to drift apart. It's no one's fault, but it's a hard task to find someone you're compatible with when you are forever changing.

I think you both need to take some time to think about what you really want. Do you want to stay with her, even now knowing she feels like she does? Do you think you're going to ask her to marry you? Where is this going? And when she tells you what she wants, LISTEN to her. Don't just say, "You're not dumping me." That's not fair. She has a choice in this matter.

[HeartIsAching]

Do you guys live together? It sounds as if you do. If you do, yeah I'd be worried if you haven't heard from her in 24 hours. If not, I wouldn't worry. Yet.

[LoneWolfie]

She spends nearly every evening and night at my place yes. Though when she goes clubbing she stays at her parent's house as it's a lot closer to the clubs.

Which is what happened last night and when she got up she hung out at a friend's place all day till just now when she got online and started talking to me. Just some idle conversation and a hug emote here and there.

Also i let slip i missed her a little and she said that's sweet. I asked her if she had fun since last night and she said she had, and missed me aswell.

5 minutes ago she asked me what im doing, which is in 80% of the cases her opening to see if im busy because she wants to do something but doesnt want to take the first step. (2 min later) And yep here we go, i told her she can do whatever she likes doing most and id be happy to do something with her if she wants. And she said "sure".

So now ill talk to her and see what we'll do the coming hours.

[LoneWolfie]

And when she tells you what she wants, LISTEN to her. Don't just say, "You're not dumping me." That's not fair. She has a choice in this matter.

I didnt say "you're not dumping me". I told her i was afraid she might dump me, and she said "I'm not dumping you" to reassure me she isnt dumping me.

Also, she's 21, im 27. We met and fell in love when she was 18 and really fragile and depressed but also sweet, loving, clingy, cuddly and bouncy-happy. Nowadays she is more mature, mentally stronger but also 'colder' and more distant. The past years she has mentioned half a dozen times that im the reason she's grounded and happy now.

[lahnnabell]

Either way, the rest of my advice still stands. Let her stay in the driver seat and in the mean time, keep yourself busy with other things. Don't hang by the phone awaiting her calls or texts. Her behavior very clearly states that she wants space, so give her an ample amount. Let her figure out what it's really like to miss you.

[LoneWolfie]

Either way, the rest of my advice still stands. Let her stay in the driver seat and in the mean time, keep yourself busy with other things. Don't hang by the phone awaiting her calls or texts. Her behavior very clearly states that she wants space, so give her an ample amount. Let her figure out what it's really like to miss you.

Appearantly from what she told me a short 10 minutes ago she already missed me while she was out having fun. Though her saying that might be curtesy towards me after i failed to play cool and told her i missed her a little.

Also, when i offered to give her space last night she said "no". So i am really confused, should i give her space dispite her saying no? That could also backfire and make her 'forget' me right?

EDIT: She just let me decide what to do the coming hours as she was "up for anything you like". Since i am kinda 'in the mood' i offered sex and she agreed to it and is getting ready to come over to my place for it.

[lahnnabell]

Well, she's afraid that if you give her space that she'll lose you entirely. But it's not fair for her to running around out at the clubs WITHOUT you and to expect you to just wait around for her whenever SHE feels like hanging out. So, she should either compromise and find a balance between her going out and spending time with you, or she can run around like a single girl AS a single girl.

[LoneWolfie]

She is afraid she loses ME? Heh, that sounds so backwards to how i am feeling right now :/

It seems so odd that she is less into me and less interested in spending time with me and then being afraid she'll lose me entirely.

[lahnnabell]

Well, she still wants to know that you want her. It's like a very selfish addiction. She wants to have her freedom AND to know that she can come and go as she pleases. Think about how you feel. You feel like sh*t right now because she's not acting like a committed girlfriend. Either she wants to be your girlfriend or she doesn't, don't let her keep playing with you like this.

[lahnnabell]

My apologies, there was a paragraph in your original post that I missed. You say you've been grumpy lately because of stress. When you guys make plans, what do you typically do? I noticed that you invited her over specifically to have sex. I hope you don't think that's going to be what's going to save your relationship.

[LoneWolfie]

My apologies, there was a paragraph in your original post that I missed. You say you've been grumpy lately because of stress. When you guys make plans, what do you typically do? I noticed that you invited her over specifically to have sex. I hope you don't think that's going to be what's going to save your relationship.

No, sex certainly is not a relationship saver. It just happened to be the thing we both like doing most. I dont know if it means anything but last monday she was really horny and we had amazing long sex together.

She's almost here now, ill be quick

What we usually do is:
- Having/making dinner together and talking about our day.
- Watching TV series or movies together
- Playing videogames together (its how we met 3 years ago btw)
- Having sex (about once a day on average)
- Going to a pub together and meet friends there, or hang out at their place. (kinda rare this one)
- Taking a walk together.

[KingZ]

Did you meet her online, through the game? How long have you actually been together, vs. knowing each other?

[LoneWolfie]

Did you meet her online, through the game? How long have you actually been together, vs. knowing each other?

We went from meeting in the game to being a couple in the real world in less than 3 months. In october it will be 3 years that we are an official couple.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like she may be craving a little more spontaneity. I'd eventually get bored with such routine. How old are you guys?

Can you do something like take her away for the weekend? My boyfriend and I do small weekend trips to LA occasionally. We've been planning to go to Monterey and/or Vegas soon.

Find some outdoor activities to do. Get your blood pumping.