Would you have gone with this?

[Crackerlove]

Hi all. New here. My question is for laides and guys alike.

If a guy/girl (opposite sex) you knew for a few months from a social group and knew had a 2-year long-distance relationship started asking you out as an "uninvolved friend (dinner, drinks, music...)" would you go out with them?

[IncognitoSir]

Love the lack of detail you provided. No harm in hanging out, just as long as she knew I was no home wrecker.

[Sharz]

As a female I would say not. My boyfriend of 2 years did this to me and now it just developed trusting issues and conflict. Everyone's different but I certainly didn't like it =( Think of it this way, If she was ask out for drinks or what ever with another male that you hadn't met, would you feel comfortable about her going?

[Crackerlove]

InconginitoSir, what details would be helpful?

[Yet another guy]

I would go with her. It's always nice to have friends.

[jb1111983]

I would go with her, but just as a friend. Unless she's out of that relationship, I won't look at her in that way.

[Crackerlove]

As a female I would say not. My boyfriend of 2 years did this to me and now it just developed trusting issues and conflict. Everyone's different but I certainly didn't like it =( Think of it this way, If she was ask out for drinks or what ever with another male that you hadn't met, would you feel comfortable about her going?

Hi Sharz.. thanks for your input. Yeah I suppose I wouldnt feel comfortable either. The thing is when this guy started asking me out it was just for dinner parties with other people and meet for drink or dinner then go to the club we met that we both know a lot of people.. so I really thought it was just a platonic thing he was looking for. He also knew I had just had my heartbroken because I had gone to meet a guy I had been talking to online for 7 months who lives in another country (iroincally.. its the same country the guy is from). He had expressed concern about the area I was going to and had given me friends and family numbers in case I got into trouble. He bought me dinner 2 nights after I got back because he said he figured I'd need someone to talk to. It really helped lift me back up (I do have other friends I can talk to and did however). Also the social group I am in with him is a band. Its the best I've ever been in and the most potential opportunity (he has played with some of the most notable people in the business) and a big part of the reason I am struggling with this.

[devonbrown]

As long as all parties involved are open and honest (not keeping the hanging out from anyone) and everyone understands that it is just friendly, then I don't see a problem with it. If it starts to get more serious, then there is an issue. But men and women can be friends as long as everyone keeps it above board.

Good luck.

[Crackerlove]

Bottom line... he did end up coming onto me about 2 months after we started going out. He gave me what seemed like a more-than-friends kiss one night (as well as having sat very close on the couch allnight) and I couldnt take it anymore so I said to him as we were going to our respective bedrooms "I have to say something. I am starting to develop feelings for you." He said "I know.. me too. But I have a gf and I know youre vulnerable. I dont want to take advantage of you. I can handle it.. if I thought you could..." I told him I just wanted to sleep next to him clothed that night. We cuddled really tightly for hours then later ended up having sex.

He had told me it was a 2-yr long-distance relationship when I happened to see pics of her on his computer and asked who it was as he was abruptly trying to shut them down just before he started asking me out.. but the next morning I discover its 6 years altogether and he lived with her for 2 in the other country and they are planning to settle down eventually and she would be here in a month for 3 weeks over the holidays. I was stunned again. We went out for breakfast. I asked on the way whjat he had meant by "uninvoled friend" 1) I wasnt involved with anyone.. 2) we wouldnt get involved... 3) **** buddy. He immediately responded "the latter" I was stunned again. He also said he had been hoping I made the first move so he didnt have to feel as guilty cheating :roll eyes: I said "how would you feel if your gf were doing similar with some guy?" He said "Id be pissed... but its harder for a guy" in sort of a whiny voice. When I was leaveing his house he said “I hope we're still buddies. Maybe we can get together next weekend?” I gave him a sullied look and said “I dont know about that” and left. I was feeling quite devistated all around and could barely get out of bed the next day (he told me later it had screwed him up badly too). He called and emailed me the following week asking to get together for dinner. I didnt respond to anything. I finally called him after a very sad-sounding voicemail he left the following Fri afternoon. I decided to get together with him to discuss what happened. We got together for dinner. First thing he said to me “Look I'm not a good candidate for you. I'm married and I have a gf” (I had actualy met his wife and her bf – she lives with the bf but still has stuff at his place). He also told me his gf runs half his business in the other country and it would be really hard to extricate himself from the suituation and he kind of loves her. I got more and more bummed out as dinner went on and finally asked “So who knows?” He responded very enthusiastically “Yeah! Who knows??” I said “No I mean who knows?” He said “I know! Who knows??!” I gathered he thought I was implying who knows about the future for us and sharply corrected him by saying “No I mean who knows we slept together?! Does your wife and her bf know?” He said “Oh. Well she's not stupid” (they knew I had slept over a few times).

He asked me to go see his favorite local band with him after. dinner I said no a few times but finally caved. I was feeling very confused and I guess not ready to walk away. On the drive to the club I started to tear up though. He held my hand the entire drive and tried to make some jokes to change my mood. When we got to the club I started to feel sick and told him I wanted to leave and I would find my own way home as he had paid a lot of $ for the tickets. He insisted he take me home and my cell phone was dead and I couldnt remember my friends # and a cab driver had told me $160. We left the club after the 3rd song. I was still upset the ride back to his place and he again held my hand the whole way. When we got to his house we talked some more and he finally said “Well you know the situation. What do you want to do?” I dont know what was wrong with me but I leaned over and kissed him and said I wanted to be with him again. He complied qucikly and as soon as we got inside we were all over each other and I ended up staying the night again. He asked to see me again the next weekend. I told him probably not as I thought he only wanted a platoniuc relationship intiailly and once he started showing affection I thought was genuinely interseted as I never imagined the guy who told me I deserve so much more after I got my heart broken would try to make me a FB behind his gf's back.

He went on business travel about 3 weeks after that though (supposedly). We talked a few days before his gf was due to visit. We started arguing a bit and he said "Lets talk abotu this in person over dinner" We met and he gave me a hug and sat on my side of the table legs touching.. but quickly realized I was like ice and moved to the other side. After some small talk and a smug comment he made in response to a guy situation I mentioned (he said "Its hard to know what a guy's intentions are isnt it?) I got really pissed and said "Yes it can be... and you should have never initiated anything with me" He said "You made the first move!" rather defensively. I said "No you did by ever asking me out. You shouldnt be cavorting around with another woman when youre in a committed relationship. I thought you were just looking for something platonic with me" We stared angrily and with sadness at the same time for about 5 minutes and people around started looking uncomfortable. He finally said “You know I get mad at you too sometimes” I was shocked and asked why. He said “Most relationships take of gradulaly but our skyrocketed and its like you want a commitment right away or you put up a wall”. I said “You told me you'd have a wall up if you were in my shoes!” He told me later the way I acted the week before when I tried to leavef the club without up made him give up any hope he may have had about a serious realtionship with me. I said “Gee thanks. I was upset because you had just reitereated to me about an hour prior there was no future for us. Sorry for feeling upset!” I said "Lets go" We went out to the parking lot. You could tell we were both still crushing on each other though and didnt want to leave each other. I asked where he was parked and asked if we could talk more in his car. He gladly complied. He started caressing my hand at one point and we were both visibly desiring each other. He said "I never planned to fall in love with 2 people"... "it could be a good thing with you or her"... "I was vulnerable when I met you too because she seemed distant the past couple times we visited and I have a history of women leaving me"... "its easier to talk music with another musician"... "I need to sort things out with her".. He also mentioned the party he was planning to hjave while she was here and said he wanted me to meet her. I said I would not feel comfortable and he kept pushing. He also said he would hope she wouldnt pick up on our vibe. As I was getting out of the car he said: "I think about you a lot". I left a mess. I went to tell him off... now all this.

I called him the next night and asked if he was more confused from our conversation. He said “No are you? Or do you still think I'm an asshole?” I said “Yes and yes” I asked to stop by his place (I guess maybe weird sort of territorial thing). He said “No because you know what that will lead to.” I felt angry, duped and confused now.

After she left 3 weeks later he sent an email to entire band asking about gig dates in a few months. I responded privately to him and said “Depends... are you and [gf] still an item?” He didnt respond for 4 days and finally wrote: [gf] and I reconnected. We had a lot of reconnecing to do as it had been over 6 months. We will reconnect again in the future.. etc.....” I replied to the whole band email: “I will not be continuing with the band. It was great working with you all however.” He called me about 20 minutes later. I didnt pick up. He left a VM asking to talk and wanted to make things up to me and its silly not to be friends. He sent an email also askling if I sent the email to the band deliberately to embarrass him and how he never said we were more than friends and asked me to call him. I replied if he had anything to say to say it in email as I didnt want to hear his voice. He said “I must be really bad”. I responded “You tell me. Do you consider the following statements could lead someone on [listed the things he had said just before gf came]. I ended up calling him a few hours later and we screamed at each other for about an hour. He denied most everything he said night before gf came to visit at first... then started fessing up. I told him I had woken up almost every night she was here nauseous but unable to vomit.

The next several months he continued to try to get me to rejoin the band and offered and exorbitant amount of money for a gig. I ended up doing it not so much for the $ but because I felt the offer maybe proved he really did take me seriously as a musician and really did feel bad about what happened... but I was a mess at it and he played awful – worst in his life he said. We fought again a few weeks later on the phone and I threatened to contact his gf. I had looked her up online and thought I maybe found an email address for her months ago and decided to use it just to see if it really was her. I sent an anonymous inoculous email just asking if she worked at the place I contacted. I was out later that night and got 6 phone calls and 2 messages from the guy within a half hour. He was begging me not to ruin his life as she would ruin the company that is just starting to take off after 7 years.

We ended up going to a therapist at a friends suggestion a few weeks later. It helped but not fully resolved things he's resisting going back now because he feels were 90% the way there (but we never got to the stuff he said before the gf arrived!). We have been dealing with this for 9 months. He also accussed me of slander and defamation because he knows I've talked with other people about it. I said I have never said anything untrue about him or our situation and had even emailed him prior 3 paragraphs of my side of what happened and asked him to correct any discrepancies he saw... he never responded. He is now looking to move out of state but still keep his house here and asking me to be in the band and do gigs the next few months. Also in the therapy session he had said "I guess I'm still getting used to being single" My head spun. I asked him later "You said.... but you're supposed to be in a serious relationship" He didnt respond. I said "Yes? No?" He said "I'm goign to have to make a decision about that soemtime too" :roll eyes:

I am still such a mess.

[lahnnabell]

Wait a minute... So everything you posted before has no relevance 'cause you are actually helping him cheat? Hahahahaha. Whatever.

[Wakeup]

Would you have gone with this?
Hi all. New here. My question is for laides and guys alike.

If a guy/girl (opposite sex) you knew for a few months from a social group and knew had a 2-year long-distance relationship started asking you out as an "uninvolved friend (dinner, drinks, music...)" would you go out with them?

NO. Simply because the majority of the time this "friendship" of one-on-one date-like hanging out ends up in the same way as your long-ass post #9 did and with women/men trying to justify their shitty behaviour, someone being left behind while being confused and heartbroken and the cheater carrying on with his original plan of spending his life with his original gf (if she never finds out).

Hope you've learned something from this Op In the future I suggest you try your best to distinguish between sexual friends and someone who values you enough to be your everything and be certain who you go on dates with is free to actually date you.

You still are trying to be with this man and going as far as a councelor together yet he hasn't even broken it off with GIRL NO. 1... You're sad to enable him the way you do.

you should have never initiated anything with me" He said "You made the first move!" rather defensively. I said "No you did by ever asking me out. You shouldnt be cavorting around with another woman when youre in a committed relationship. I thought you were just looking for something platonic with me"

I'll add that your state of "victimhood" is nauseating. You fking knew he had a girlfriend you are responsible for the state of your piss poor emotional health at the moment. Quit being a victim or you'll never heal from your mistakes. Worse, you'll never learn from them if you consider yourself a victim whose destiny is out of your own hands.

Take responsibility for the consequences of YOUR actions and quit laying all responsibility on him.

[IncognitoSir]

Wait a minute... So everything you posted before has no relevance 'cause you are actually helping him cheat? Hahahahaha. Whatever.

Exactly.......I knew it was A LOT missing. The original 2 sentence post was just too vague, but I could smell the guilt through my screen lol.

[Bella82]

I'm curious to know a few things... why would you want to be with someone who a) cheated on his current girlfriend with you? Who says he wouldn't do the exact same thing to you when he feels you're being "distant", or some other random excuse that shows he can't be faithful and b) who you are always fighting and arguing with, but are not even together?

Regardless of how stressed you are about all of this, you came in the middle of their relationship knowing he had a girlfriend -- and that is what you should be the most stressed about, not his bull*&% lies.

[Crackerlove]

I'll add that your state of "victimhood" is nauseating. You fking knew he had a girlfriend you are responsible for the state of your piss poor emotional health at the moment. Quit being a victim or you'll never heal from your mistakes. Worse, you'll never learn from them if you consider yourself a victim whose destiny is out of your own hands.

Take responsibility for the consequences of YOUR actions and quit laying all responsibility on him.

I truly thought this guy was just looking for platonic companionship seeing as he had a gf , was inviting me to group stuff initially, and told me I deserve so much better than the guy I went to meet who turned out to have reunited with an ex-gf about a month before I visited him. He was the last guy I thought would hit on me. My big mistake was in not saying something before things got out of hand and I totally accept responsibility for that... I do still hold him a bit more accountable though for having started the whole thing and under what I feel were false pretenses (ie, uninviolved friend).

I am trying to determine if I should stay in the group now and having a really hard time making the decision. I feel disrespected by the whole thing but I have a friend who said she wouldnt feel disrespected if a guy had asked her to be his F-buddy in the situation.

[Crackerlove]

I'm curious to know a few things... why would you want to be with someone who a) cheated on his current girlfriend with you? Who says he wouldn't do the exact same thing to you when he feels you're being "distant", or some other random excuse that shows he can't be faithful and b) who you are always fighting and arguing with, but are not even together?

Regardless of how stressed you are about all of this, you came in the middle of their relationship knowing he had a girlfriend -- and that is what you should be the most stressed about, not his bull*&% lies.

Yes the fact he cheated on her is of concern... but I guess if things were on the brink of breaking up I might feel a little differently about it. When he started showing interest more than a friend I thought he was maybe genuinely interested in me (ie, more than a F-buddy). He intimated as much later but said my reaction one night freaked him out and negated any notions he had had prior of a serious relationship with me. We had met for dinner to talk. He told me right away "Look I'm not a good candidate for you. I'm still married, I have a gf and she runs 1/2 my business and it would be really hard to extricate myself.. plus I kinda love her". He said I started asking very pointed questions (which I prob did as I felt he just completely closed the door and was feeling very hurt) and he felt I was trying to catch him out and it seemed to be all about me all of a sudden. He said I should have shown genuine interest and empathy in his situation and then BACKED OFF. I also had started tearing up on the drive to the club after and once we got there I said I wanted to leave (as in... without him). He asked me the other day if I had been PMSing that night. I had been and he did know that from sex later that night... but I told him I might have still reacted the same way.