I just have to get this out.

[a19drift]

The guy I'm with is going through a divorce, I imagine things are tough when you're doing something like that, but I wouldn't know, I'm only 22, and I've never been married. He's six years older than I am, ex-Army, a very straight-forward kind of guy. So I thought.

We've had a lot of trust issues, or rather, I'VE had a lot of trust issues, but he finally had me convinced that it was just my mind running loose, and that nothing I thought was going on was going on.

Now, I think I'm right. & have been the whole time.

A couple weekends ago we went camping a few hours north of us. It was beautiful, we were right on Lake Michigan, the beach was a two minute walk away. I had so much fun, he even bought me my own snorkeling gear so that I could snorkel with him in the lake. To me, the trip was romantic, fun, and all around something I can't wait to repeat.

I found out a couple days later that he had written his ex-wife a message saying that all he could think of this last weekend was how much she would have loved it up there, and how he wished she was there. I should mention that he doesn't want to be getting the divorce. I've tried to get over all the text messages and things where he's trying to convince her that he can fix things, and they're making a mistake.

At one point in our ''relationship'', the one he won't acknowledge or define in the least, I thought there was this other girl, Brittany. He said they're just friends..well I have lots of guy friends, and none of them take me out to dinner or call me beautiful. Just saying. He went out with Brittany, but told me that there was a whole group of people present, it wasn't just the two of them. I know differently, they went out to dinner, and then met up with some of her friends. At one point, because he was texting me almost the whole night, and had me meet him at his apartment when he got home, I thought I had reasonable cause to believe him.

He says I never give him the benefit of the doubt. So, I worked very hard on that. I think I've done an admirable job.

Last night he faked his best friend getting arrested and needing to be bailed out of jail..he left at 10p, came home at 1a. Even sent me a text while he was gone saying that it was so funny to see all the people in the jail that his friend was with. But, I know his friend didn't go to jail last night, there are a lot of things that don't add up, number one being that the jail has no record of his friend's arrest.

I find myself asking what I did to deserve the lies and the sneakiness. I know, I did a terrible job of not trusting him at first. But I do trust him, and I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt...only to be proven wrong, or right..that one I can't figure out.

I started taking a bigger notice when there was a change in US. It's like he doesn't want me anymore, is losing his attraction for me, or something.

This morning he had a text from his ex-wife saying that she thinks they should change their Facebook relationship statuses to 'It's Complicated.' I think they're sleeping together. He has insisted to me multiple times that they are still in fact getting a divorce, that he wouldn't get back together with her, etc.

I'm not sure anyone on here will have any advice for me, except to leave him. That's the last thing I want to do, I'm sure some of you understand.

This hurts, and I've been played before and thought it hurt.

[cggirl87]

How long have you been with this man? I need to know this before I can give you advice.

[Mathias]

How long have you been with this man?

Completely irrelevant. Whether she's been with him for 2 days or 10 years, he's being a slimeball.

Address it, make it stop. If he doesn't immediately change, get out.

[Wakeup]

He's no where over her and you are a nice bandaid for his emotional wound. Enjoy some fun but I'd never and I mean never consider giving this man my heart. He is a weak and disingenuous asswipe. Those kinds of people.. disingenuous asswipes .. make lousy life partners.

I'm not sure anyone on here will have any advice for me, except to leave him. That's the last thing I want to do, I'm sure some of you understand.

This hurts, and I've been played before and thought it hurt.

No one with a bit of decent self-worth would want to stay with this man so, no I'm sorry I don't understand. If you've been played before you've evidently not learned a thing from that experience.

Get yourself to the bookstore and search the self-help section on building self esteem, confidence and codependency titles because you'd rather be with an asswipe than be alone which is not healthy.

I'm sorry this is happening to you but if you're smart, you'll stop it from happening to you in the very near future by getting away from him and leaving him to go back to his ex.

[a19drift]

Seven months, cggirl87. I'm inclined to think the time frame is irrelevant also, simply because if you're a normal human being with a conscience, you wouldn't be able to do this to someone who just wants to make you happy and share life with you. I certainly know I couldn't. I'm amazed at the things people can do and live with themselves.

Mathias, I have addressed it. He INSISTS they're still getting a divorce, that at this point there's no way even if she decided she messed up and wanted him back that it would happen. He's done so multiple times. He still keeps saying, "you're the only one."

Wakeup -- I expected a lot more harsh things than I received, I suppose I should be thankful. The truth is I wouldn't rather be an asswipe than alone, etc. I will admit to having some recently developed separation anxiety, but after 22 years by myself, I think I can handle it. I do have self-worth and confidence. I'm confident that I don't deserve this, that I do deserve for him to give "Us" a chance, and I deserve to hear the truth from him. That being said, regardless of whether it's been 7 months or 7 years, this relationship has changed my life, and I'll be affected no matter what. One thing I've never been good at doing is cutting and running when things get hard. Which is exactly what his ex-wife did. Now things are easy, and he's TRYING to get in her good graces, but history will repeat itself if they get back together, they'll settle into the same old relationship and she'll be unhappy, because this man does not change. Ever. I've known him my entire life, he's always been rock solidly himself with no alterations.

Also to mention two things: I wouldn't know about his lies if I hadn't snooped through his cell phone, which I'm ashamed of doing, and definitely don't think that would help my case. &
Yesterday was his wedding anniversary.

[a19drift]

He says to me that if there were a problem, if he wanted me gone, if he needed space, or if something changed between he and his ex-wife, he would just tell me. That's exactly the type of person he is, he doesn't hold back, whether you want to hear what he has to say or not.

He's acting like nothing is going on. Kisses me goodbye, expects me to be waiting here when he gets home from work.

[HeartIsAching]

I can understand you not wanting to... but it's what you need to do.

You've got some trust issues, you're insecure, and you're controlling as evidenced by your monitoring of his phone and facebook, but you're justified.

As Wakeup said, he's not going to change. If you don't mind being his FWB on the side, then go for it, otherwise it's time to walk.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're dumb. You've seen irrefutable evidence that he is not in love with you, and is still attached to his ex. This will end in heartbreak, and it is not on him, it is on you.

[IncognitoSir]

He says to me that if there were a problem, if he wanted me gone, if he needed space, or if something changed between he and his ex-wife, he would just tell me. That's exactly the type of person he is, he doesn't hold back, whether you want to hear what he has to say or not.

He's acting like nothing is going on. Kisses me goodbye, expects me to be waiting here when he gets home from work.

Of course their is nothing wrong! He's playing ALL of you. He's got you, his wife, and brittany. He's having a great time, why would he want to leave you? I mean the guy leaves and 10 pm and comes back at 1 am and it's all good even though YOU know he was lying. He lies to you all the time and you stay with him. You KNOW for a fact he doesn't even want to divorce his wife and yet, here you are. Lets be honest though, you like all of this drama and confusion don't you? You have failed to mention 1 single reason as to why you would want to stay with this guy. Not 1 positive quality. Even your camping trip, in his mind, would of been better with his wife than you. WTF?

[HeartIsAching]

BackUpOrGetStng - name calling is never productive.

[a19drift]

You want to know why I want to be with him?

He makes me happy, like truly happy. The only exception is right now, with all of this.
He's the first man in my life that I've admired.
He makes me feel safe. Secure.
He is intellectually my equal, and I enjoy learning from him, and with him.
Simply, he fascinates me, I can't really explain that one.
He's supportive.
He stimulates all my senses, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
He's become my best friend.
He's funny, goofy, and spontaneous.

BackUpOrGetStng - I know he isn't in love with me. We haven't been together nearly long enough for that.

HeartIsAching - I want to trust him. I strive very hard to trust him. I don't want to control him, but it's obvious, while he uses the excuse that he's not an open person and is very private about all of his life's goings on, that in order to find anything out, I can't just ask him anymore, which I've done to the point of annoyance, and gained no answer. Insecurity is something nearly every human being fights with. My only insecurity in this is really just wondering why I'm not enough.

[98db]

I feel bad for you. I never really understood when 'taking a break' would be appropriate, but this might be one of those times. It's not so bad that things need to be over, but he definitely has things going on that need to run their course before you should consider investing any more emotion on him.

[devonbrown]

You said : He makes me happy, like truly happy. The only exception is right now, with all of this. (So other than the possible cheating, the wanting to return to his wife, and his lying to you, he makes you happy. Wow.)

You said: He's the first man in my life that I've admired. (So you admire men who manipulate, deceive, and cheat? Why do you think this guy is straight-forward when you have seen that he isn't?)

You said: He makes me feel safe. Secure. (Because he is controlling you. He kisses you goodbye and EXPECTS you to be there when he returns.)

You said: He is intellectually my equal, and I enjoy learning from him, and with him. (So you have the same type of Machiavellian tendancies?)

You said: Simply, he fascinates me, I can't really explain that one. (A lot of historians are fascinated with the atrocities that people have done to each other, but that doesn't make them want to snuggle with them.)

You said: He's supportive. (in a "I would rather be with my wife" kind of way. Awesome.)

You said: He stimulates all my senses, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. (Meaning that the sex is good. That is good, but not reason to be a doormat for him.)

You said: He's become my best friend. (so you talk like this about your best friend? Wow again.)

You said: He's funny, goofy, and spontaneous. (He doesn't need to plan things because you fall for his lies and deceptions.)


You went through his phone = you don't trust him. You mention that he is GETTING divorced but you mention his EX-wife? She isn't his ex. She is his wife. And you are the other woman. Or at least one of the other women.
You need to look at this objectively or you will be miserable with this whole situation until he gets bored with you and moves on.

[surfhb]

The above Post is it! You've been played and your so blinded by love. Save yourself and dignity and find a real man....jeesh!

[a19drift]

They are few, and far between, no offense to any real men responding to my thread at this time.

Alright, alright -- He makes me happy and HAS made me happy, until this kind of popped into my face. That's what I meant. I had to reason to fret and stress until about 12 hours ago.
I admire him because of what he's been through, where he comes from, his outlook on life. I see him as straight-forward because I haven't, until today, seen him as anything else.
Expects was the wrong term, he simply asked, "I'll see you when I get home?" At two in the morning, I'm not sure where else I'd be.
I'm book smart, he's..other things smart. I learn, he learns. That's all I meant.
He fascinates me because he isn't an open book, he isn't a shallow, insipid individual.
He's never said to ME that he'd rather be with his wife. He's never said anything to me to let onto anything like that. When I say he's supportive, I mean that he's supportive. In the regular sense.
Yep, the sex is good. & it might not be a 100% everyday thing, but he does find ways to show me he cares.
I guess I talk worse about the girl who is supposed to be my best friend, actually. Since my mom died last year, she has become SO critical of everything I do in my life, everything I say, if it isn't what she deems correct, she disapproves. I've learned that she cannot be pleased.
How can you just take someone being funny, goofy, and spontaneous and make a rude comment, seriously? We're talking about my reasoning for wanting to be with him. He makes me laugh, he's got a lot of character, and being spontaneous doesn't mean you don't have to plan because someone is falling for all your shit. It means you're spontaneous.

I refer to her as his ex-wife because that's what he calls her.