Relationship partially lost, college, assorted questions and help needed.

[DarkDwarf]

Alright, so this is a hard post to begin, for several reasons. First of all, I haven't been here in almost a year. Most of my posts from when I originally joined have been long archived away and deleted. I literally joined over half a decade ago. Occasionally someone says that they remember me, but I doubt anyone does. I actually prided myself that in the past two years or so I've made like one post. So, here goes.

I'm at a loss. My nine month relationship with one of the most amazing girls I've ever met has come to pass, or I think it has. We started dating when I was in my senior year of high school, and she is an upcoming senior. We're eighteen and seventeen.

She went to do a summer program at Oxford. That was fine, we'd done time away from each other. Everything was going to be okay. It was just over a month, and she actually returns August Ninth. We fight sometimes. We're both incredibly arrogant, stuck-up, and convinced that we are right. We are incredibly stubborn. But even though we fight, this is my best friend. I honestly love this girl. We had one fight since she left. Because of the five hour time difference, easily communicating is relatively difficult. We can talk for an hour or so a day, but that's about it, and the cost is killer (finally managed to find a phone card that was 13 cents per minute!) Long story short, we got into a really big fight. I don't even remember how it started. It was something dumb and childish like how much we could talk or when we could talk. It wasn't worth fighting over and I'll probably hate myself for the next year or so for letting the fight spiral out of control.

We both said a lot of things that we didn't mean. I personally know that I have an inclination to being a drama queen and saying things that I don't even begin to mean. I told her we should break up as well as other things that I definitely didn't mean. We do both have a history of doing this. I also have a history of raising my voice. These are all problems that I know I have. I am working to fix them, and, if all else fails, then hey, maybe I've learned my lesson by losing one of the best girls I've ever met by raising my voice. I will fix that problem regardless of the outcome of this.

Anyway, the fight when on for a couple days (started Sunday, went on until Tuesday). On Tuesday, I wrote her a very long apology letter. I called her and read it to her. She was reluctant to even talk to me, and I eventually convinced her to give me five minutes. In those five minutes, I read the letter. It said a lot of things, like I did a lot of shit that I was sorry for, and that regardless of whether or not she took me back, I'd still fix those problems. I was very nice and apologetic and almost nostalgic in the letter. She told me at the end of it that she didn't want to get back together "before college" but she also said that she'd talk to me about it when she returned from England (August 7th). However, she had told me she needed time, and in the letter I told her that I would wait for her, but not forever. She ended the breakup by telling me "if I wanted" that I "could have five minutes" on Friday. As though I would be begging for it. It was almost cruel. The reasons she cited were basically fighting too much. Everything was great on Saturday, over on Tuesday.

I've talked to one of her friends that I'm mutual friends with. She's going to talk to my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend and ask her what the real deal is. That friend hasn't gotten back to me, but supposedly she is going to tell me whether or not its worth calling her tomorrow (Friday).

The other circumstance that plays a role in this, and many have told me that they think this is the real reason she broke up with me, is that she wanted to control the breakup before college. This, I could understand, but I would prefer it if my girlfriend hadn't blamed it on the fighting. I'm going to Stanford in the fall (September 20), and my girlfriend and I were going to try. Now, some will argue that this "isn't enough" for a long distance relationship. Honestly, you're probably right. We would probably break up by college. But she was still my best friend and I would still talk to her everyday.

Now, I feel as though I've lost a part of myself. I don't know if she's thinking about me, but I think about her literally constantly and its killing me. Is this for the best? Is it worth pursuing? Should I talk to her tomorrow or when she gets back? Should I wait till college to recontact her? What do I say if I talk to her tomorrow?

I /do/ want her back, but at the same time, I don't want to harm her health if she thinks that this is the best for her. I can't say what will happen in college.

[lahnnabell]

Cruelty begets cruelty. Yeah, she was being cruel to you because you said some pretty horrible things to her. I think you have a lot of work to do and are better off doing it alone.