Jealousy a severe issue

[jessiekt]

I'm currently dating a guy a year and a half younger than me. We are in a grueling doctorate program together and are in the same class. I've had a few long term relationships before and obviously haven't found the right guy. He is a loving, sweet, fun-loving fantastic person. I like to have fun, love helping people and trying to find the best way to fulfill my life's goals. Currently I've been having issues finding myself. We're going through a hard time at school and I'm not handling the stress very well. The boyfriend is very supportive about it, finding ways to try and alleviate my stress level. My issue when it comes to him, that is fed from some other deeply seeded issue, is jealousy. Pure jealousy. Anywhere from him wanting to hang with his guy friends to wanting to go have a beer with a group of people when I can't go (and it seems he's choosing spending time with them over me) to no making eye contact with me when he is telling a story with other people in the room (which is disrespectful and hurts my feelings). I'm jealous of him having a close female friend. When this jealousy arises, it grows into anger then the shit that comes out of my mouth is immature and can be rude as well. He's starting to feel like I'm disrespectful to him and it's wearing him down. I love him to death and the thing is, he loves me so much,,,, I just know it, I just have a hard time with trust and jealousy. This needs to be dealt with right away or it'll lead to the end of the relationship, This guy is the one. I can't lose him, he's absolutely the perfect man for me in every way. I've never felt like this before. I need solutions ASAP before I push him too far and it's over.

[steviej]

Where does the trust/jealousy issue stem from?

I'm glad you're aware of your behaviour, because it most definitely is a relationship killer and will push him away.
Do you have your own group of friends that you see and go out with, or is your boyfriend your whole world?

[jessiekt]

a little bit of both... He's a lot of my world and I would choose him over going out with a group of friends, and friends seem scarce these days because I'm in a doctorate program and can't stay in touch very successfully. I had to work in HS and college so never played sports or gained any of that group bonding experience.

where it stems from? I have no clue. I'm a very possessive person unfortunately. I'm afraid if I don't show him that things he does are not ok, he'll continue to do them and drift away. Not saying my theory of pushing him away by getting angry is better, but at least I'm being proactive. Screwed up, but that's how my brain's programmed unfortunately.

[HeartIsAching]

Jealousy is born of insecurity, pure and simple. You need to seed counseling to get at the root of your insecurity.

Oh, and not making eye contact while telling a story is NOT disrespectful.

[Broodmare]

The absolute first thing you need to do IS figure out where the jealousy stems from exactly. Jealousy is just a mixture of a variety of emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, nervousness, etc. Figure out which ones you are feeling exactly. Once you do that, it will feel like less of a challenge to solve since you have the problem more pinpointed. Work on fixing that as well as talking to your boyfriend about it.

Also, something that I have found before that helps...basically set up a path in your mind. The best example I have personally is about open relationships. For example...imagine your boyfriend texting another girl, then meeting up with the girl, having dinner with the girl, then going home with her, undressing in front of her, having sex...etc Making and going through a list like this will allow you to find at what point gets you upset. You may be fine if your man goes to dinner with another girl, but when it comes to having sex...you feel upset. But obviously change it up to fit your situation.

To me it almost seems like your boyfriend has time to do things while you are under stress and feel like your not able to. I suggest talking to him about it and maybe make agreements with eachother on how often to hang out with eachother and how often he can go out with his friends. You need to make some sacrifices. Pick up a new hobby.

[celestina]

Subconsciouly, I think you need to be finding problems in your relationship as a way to take the stress away from your studies. Splitting and redirecting part of the stress towards your relationship, makes it easier on your psyche to cope with the stress from your studies.

Now on to dealing with the jealousy, the conscious way.

I'm assuming you guys already had a talk (many talks) about this issue and that obviously he can't change his behavior because of your jealousy, just like you can't change your personality just to please him. Of course--forcing yourself or him to change, is just unnatural and wrong. Now the thing is that you love him too much to leave him even if you disapprove of his behavior, but it seems he would be able to leave you because of yours (since you say "it's wearing him down" and you're aware that this side of you could drive him away). The person who loves more, is the one who has to compromise. In this case, it's you. And since you clearly want to keep this "perfect man", I think you should try to keep the jealousy under control. Harder said than done... but try these:

1. First of all, you know he loves you. Always remind that to yourself, whenever the jealousy arises. He's a "loving, sweet, fun-loving fantastic" guy, and you're lucky to have him as your boyfriend. He's got his set of friends, but you're his girlfriend, no one else is! And you'll keep being it, as long as he feels you are understanding and supportive to him.

2. Look at the big picture: you guys are in school, gonna graduate someday soon, gonna accomplish great things, I'm assuming you are both healthy and not starving.. AND, you two have each other. You both have everything to be happy. Anything else just don't matter. Being jealous just sounds ridiculous now, doesn't it? Why worry about silly little things? Focus on what matters.

3. Make a list of the things that he does that show how much he cares about you. Could be big, or little things. Examples: "he supports me in my studies, he gives me great massage when I'm stressed, he gave me this special gift"... etc, etc.

And read that list whenever you need comfort and that he can't give it to you. Reminding yourself how much he loves you and all that he does for you, is the key to overcoming jealousy.

I hope all this makes you feel better.

If the jealousy still bothers you, in the long run, ask yourself if the happiness this guy brings you (if he does bring you that much happiness in the first place) is worth having you struggle with your own jealousy all the time. Also ask yourself if you're ready to spend your life with someone with whom you can't be yourself--your possessive, jealous self. If not, maybe you need a guy who is more emotionally dependent like you. Maybe he won't be as "perfect" or as great as your current boyfriend seems to be now, but, you might be a thousand times happier with someone who can comfort you whenever you need it, who puts their partner first before their friends, and, mostly, that doesn't require you (or them) to change in order for both of you to be happy. As cliche as it sounds, it's not about finding the perfect one--it's about finding the one who's perfect for you. And while you're still young and in school, you shouldn't have any trouble at all meeting new people.