Confusing breakups and the thereafter

[princessmolly]

Hi everyone!

I just want to tell you all my story and I need some opinions to figure out what to do because I'm totally lost. So if you have an opinion about the story i'm about to tell, negative as well as positive, and whether I'm going to want to hear it or not, please, share it with me.

I'm a 21 year old girl/woman, not too bad looking, never really had trouble getting male attention, but I never really was interested in a relationship. I had fooled around with some people, but never really gone all the way. I started my higher education at 18, where I met S., the boy that would later become my very first serious boyfriend. We lived next to each other without really befriending each other for about a year. In the second year, we started getting to know each other (we had some friends in common and it just happened), and in a couple of months time we fell madly in love with each other. Around January 2010 we became a couple. He had had a couple of girlfriends before but it soon turned out he never had felt as seriously about a relationship as he did about this one. I met his family, his friends, (he lived pretty far away but I live in a tiny country, so here, distance is relative, by far away I mean about three hours worth of buses and trains). His dorm was very close to mine though, so he stayed over all the time. He was the first guy I ever had sex with. And believe me, it was good. It was incredible actually. One of his friends became my best friend during our relationship actually, and he once called me an animal in the sack. When I asked him how he would now that he told me "Oh, it just came up once.. He doesn't really brag about it but he once said he had not a thing to complain about in the bedroom, to say the least".

About three months into our relationship, we had our first bump. He was scared, he felt how serious this would become and was afraid the butterflies wouldn't last. He also met my family, and we come from very different backgrounds. His family is perfect, his parents are so in love, his sister is his best friend, they're all very loving and respectful to one another. My family is different. I hadn't been living with them for a year now, my father and I never got along, and my sister had always been ill, in and out of hospitals since she was a little kid. Every little thing in our house was turned into a fight, or some huge drama. When we talked about how he felt at that time, I told him if I had known in advance this was going to be a three month fling, I would have never put my heart into this. We talked it over and decided to keep trying. I took some distance, and a few weeks later he realized, he didn't want distance, he wanted this. So he told me, and we were back to the way we were the first week of our relationship. Sparks flying around the place.

We had the best relationship for months and months, we never once fought, friends looked at us for inspiration, saying we were "the couple they aspired to be", we never stopped being head over heals for each other. We took a summerholiday together. We went abroad for a week, had lots of sex, did lots of things, (we share an incredible amount of interests, love all the same things, so it was never really hard to figure out what to do with our time). I asked him once again that week, if he ever had any of those doubts he used to have. He told me he never felt them again since then. He literally told me "We've been together for eight months, and I can't believe we are. It feels like two weeks, I'm so in love with you."
As we were abroad, I did notice him texting with this other girl. A girl who had been openly flirting with him on his facebookpage. And I am not the jealous type, so I never really said anything about it. I was sending a text with his cellphone during our holiday to his best friend (it was his birthday, I was congratulating him), when he got a text from this other girl. I never really asked him about it. Later, it turned out he was not interested in her at all, even though she clearly was interested in him. He saw her purely as a friend, he only had eyes for me.

Two months later, my sister got very ill. She was in the hospital, dying. I was contantly depressed and crying and worried, and he was there to comfort me. Until one day, he come over, not to comfort me, but to break up with me.
Just like that, he told me he didn't love me the way he once did, and he wasn't as mad about me anymore as I seemed to be about him. He told me he wanted to stay friends. I cried. Buckets and buckets. While I cried he held me in his arms, telling me he was sorry.

I avoided him for two days. After those two days, I asked him to come over. He did and I told him being friends was just fine. I jumped into the whole "friendship" thing, probably thinking in the back of my mind that we'd be back together soon. That he'd miss me and that we'd figure it out.

Now it's nine months later and we're still friends. I'm still not over him. He doesn't have a new girlfriend but I know that moment is on its way. He won't stay alone forever right? Now, in those nine months time, a lot has happened. In the beginning, he texted me. A lot. As if nothing had happened. A week after the break up, at a party, we kissed, but we were both drunk so I didn't really look for anything behind it. But a month later, at a christmas party, a bunch of friends and I (and him) got really drunk on tequila. We played a game of truth or dare which of course turned out in everyone daring everyone else to kiss each other. When someone dared S. to kiss everyone in the room, he gave everyone a peck. When he came to me, as the last person to kiss, (I was lying on the sofa), he came to lay on top of me and kissed me passionately for several minutes. Everyone else in the room went silent, thinking: Is this them getting back together?
We never talked about that incident.

Meanwhile, in the past nine months, he has acted like nothing has changed, like he can still rely on me for everything, like he can still sleep over, like he can still tell me anything, like I'm still his girlfriend, except we don't kiss, we don't have sex, and he doesn't have any responsibility towards me. It seemed to easy on his part in my opinion, so i decided to avoid him for a while. Give him the chance to miss me. I avoided him for two weeks, and after those two weeks he texted me if I wanted to hang out. I respectfully declined, telling him my week was fully booked. A week after, he made the same proposition. But i cracked, and I met up with him. It was this game again and again and again for months.

Last month, finally, I decided to quit playing games and tell him everything I wanted to say. I told him I still had feelings for him and I asked him what we were doing. He told me he was just enjoying his life right now and he felt free and young and he just had to find himself right now. That he was enjoying what he was doing right now, and that he needed to do it alone, for himself, that he just didn't have time for a relationship and he just couldn't be committed right now. So I asked him the question: did he not want a relationship or did he not want a relationship with ME? He told me he just didn't want a relationship, period. So I asked him, if he ever was ready for a relationship again, if it would be with me? And he told me he couldn't tell me that. So I asked him if there was nothing here anymore. And so he told me that of course I would always be special to him and of course I was more to him than any other girl, and that he would be hurt and confused if all of a sudden I started dating someone else. That was the end of that conversation.

Now still, I try not to text him, but every time, if he doesn't hear of me for a period longer than; let's say, 10 days, he sends me a text or he puts something on my Facebook, always as cute and loving as he always would. Also, when I go to his hometown (my best friend lives there too, and his friends, who had become my friends in the year of our relationship), he is always texting me to come over, to come see him, and once I'm there he drops everything to come talk to me.

A few weeks after we talked, I found out he had sex with another girl. Which, I guess, doesn't really matter because we had been broken up for eight months at that time. Still, he panicked when he found out I knew, and asked me to meet up and talk about it. When we met up, he explained everything to me, and told me he was drunk and it just happened and he never meant for it to happen, he didn't find the girl attractive and it was nowhere near as good as it ever was with me. He told me he didn't even enjoy it. I still don't understand why he felt the need to explain himself to me.
I go out, I have sex with other people as well. I just don't have to tell him, we're not together anymore, so no one needs an explanation, right?

Except I'm so not over him. I keep telling myself I can't wait for him. Except, I know, I will always wait for him.

So, what do you guys think?

I'm always angry and sad inside, I try to get over it but I don't know what to think of this whole situation. I don't want to be a pushover, but if there is ANY chance of him still having ANY feelings for me, I can't give up on him. I still don't understand why we broke up in the first place.

Thanks for reading
Lots of love
Molly

[Mathias]

Hey Molly,

First of all, despite the confusing situation, you're quite open and honest (and intelligent) about what's going on. That's really helpful.

If this guy is like any other guy (which he most likely is) after a breakup, he's looking at you as the comforting person while he pursues other people. He can't quite let you go, but you'll never be the same again. It just isn't going to work.

He's right about one thing - you're both young. Use this time to better yourself rather than placing hope in a broken relationship. You don't want to wake up 3 years later and be in this same situation. Cut him off, rip off the Band-Aid, and start healing.

[Kyeema]

I think he is taking all the good stuff from you and leaving the rest...

He is your first love, you'll always think of him, he will always be special to you. But he won't be your last... you're too young to wait for something that might never happen again!

Go out, enjoy life, live it to the fullest... and see what comes along... it might even be him in a few years of time, you never know... but don't put yourself in that cage! Give yourself the freedom to conquer the whole world and find love where and whenever it crosses your path!

Big hug
Kyeema

[jenfen]

I know its hard for you to carry on, because i am also going through a bad time, I decided to write all
my feelings in a notepad and came out with this:-

A broken heart is like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle, at first when its all over the place, you dont know where to begin,
there are only 4 pieces which are certain in the puzzle when you begin, them pieces are loss, pain, disappointment and
helplessness (thats not to say all the pieces in the jigsaw are bad). So at first the puzzle is confusing, and the picture
seems horrible. BUT in a matter or time, and patience, the puzzle gets build one bit at a time. And in the end of it all you see
the full picture, it may or not be the picture you like but you can see clearly what it is meant to be.
You understand what each piece means and its serves a purpose in your life. What you do with it then is up to you !

hope that helps you .

[OmnicronPercei8]

Interesting analogy.

[Cerby]

This was a lot of reading for a simple conclusion. You didn't break contact with him after the breakup, so you never got the chance to actually get over him. You were left with hope when you should have been left with depair over the relationship.

You don't walk on a sprained ankle, you wait until it heals before using it again. Its the same idea here, he dumped you, and you continued to foster feelings for him by being "friends" which can only ever really work after month and months of seperation from both parties.

The advice is simple, if you're not over him, you need to stop talking to him until you are. If you can't do that, then you will never get over it and continue this brutal emotional cycle you're on.


Best of luck.

[headsashed]

i think the only way to truely get over someone is to no contact them in anyway until you really are over them. just wish it was so easy to do.