Should I stop helping her?

[curlsupinacorna]

My wife says she does not love me and as far as she is concerned, we are separated. She had a short affair but said it’s over. We can’t afford to live in different houses. At the moment, I drive her to see her friends, to swimming,to and from work, help her to weight-train at home, and am her running buddy. She does very little for me (bit of cooking / washing). I still love her, but feel like, ultimately, I am just helping her to look good for another man, and helping her to live her life apart from me; whilst all the time I am curling up in a corner. I also earn a lot more, which and we currently have a joint bank account. Bearing in mind that I still love her, but she has made it clear that there is no way back for us, should I (painfully for me), just stop all of the help I give her. I want to help her, but I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. Please advise. thanx

...she made it clear she doesn't love me and there definitely is no way back. I believe her. So, I'm not kidding myself that we might get back together, but I was hoping to be friends, but as one writer mentioned - if I still desperately love her, and she really is a nice person (notwithstanding what she has done recently) seeing her with some one else will just kill me anyway.

PS - will I ever get over loving her so much? I'm 42 - it's our 20th wedding anniversary this wednesday 27th

[DarkHelmet82]

Im sorry what you are going through. 20 years... jesus..... thats a long time.

However, SHe is using you and you are allowing her too. Stop driving her places and get seperate bank accounts. You can cook and clean your own things. You dont need her to do that for you. She says she doesnt love you.. than stop allowing her to use you as a human pin cushion.

[curlsupinacorna]

...but she is so darned nice 0.0

[that one guy]

...but she is so darned nice 0.0

Sounds like all an act to keep up the comfortable lifestyle you are providing. Cut the line.

[curlsupinacorna]

...i guess you're right, but after 20 years, and I still love her - it's tough. *sighs*. I will try. thank you all.

[DarkHelmet82]

...but she is so darned nice 0.0

SHe is? She cheated on you... doesnt sound nice to me......

[curlsupinacorna]

..it's crazy, but all I could think about when she told me was "was I going to lose her" (oh, and giving the other guy a slap - which I have not at this point - for the sake of his family who don't know about it)

[that one guy]

...i guess you're right, but after 20 years, and I still love her - it's tough. *sighs*. I will try. thank you all.

I can't imagine the amount of emotional pain you're going through right now. Take as much time as you need to heal but don't allow this woman to walk all over you. She has said she believes there is no way back so accept it. You don't need to provide for her anymore if she isn't willing to fully commit to the relationship. Any sane person would know and apply this concept. Stay strong.

[DarkHelmet82]

I can't imagine the amount of emotional pain you're going through right now. Take as much time as you need to heal but don't allow this woman to walk all over you. She has said she believes there is no way back so accept it. You don't need to provide for her anymore if she isn't willing to fully commit to the relationship. Any sane person would know and apply this concept. Stay strong.

I would have her move out.. Give her 3 months rent to an apartment and help her move. Then file for divorce.

[curlsupinacorna]

that's the trouble. We are financially tied at the moment. We are paying off a large sum of money. ...geez - he just shouted up the stairs: "Al, I want some kebab meat and chips", Meaning she would like me to drive and get her some. ...I know, I am a sucker.... I will put my foot down....asap....thx.

[DarkHelmet82]

that's the trouble. We are financially tied at the moment. We are paying off a large sum of money. ...geez - he just shouted up the stairs: "Al, I want some kebab meat and chips", Meaning she would like me to drive and get her some. ...I know, I am a sucker.... I will put my foot down....asap....thx.

Ok.. are you being serious? Are you just trolling?

If not your response should be "listen bitch, have your ****buddy get you some becasue you and I are no longer together and do NOT talk to me unless its an emergency. "

[that one guy]

that's the trouble. We are financially tied at the moment. We are paying off a large sum of money. ...geez - he just shouted up the stairs: "Al, I want some kebab meat and chips", Meaning she would like me to drive and get her some. ...I know, I am a sucker.... I will put my foot down....asap....thx.

"Go get them yourself."

[HeartIsAching]

Good lord... I hope you don't still sleep in the same bed.

Yeah - stop helping her. Get a separate bank account and transfer your future funds into it. I hope there are no kids involved. There will likely be alimony, as you make more than she does, and she's been your wife for so long... but wait until a court forces you to.

No more driving her places, running with her, etc. If she whines about it, tell her to get a bus pass. If you can't afford separate houses, at least move into separate bedrooms, and set ground rules for the house. I'd suggest "No guests" for starters.

[curlsupinacorna]

thank you all... I know what has to be done...

[Kyeema]

20 years... you must be going through hell! Being tied with finances is really bad in a situation like that.... I know because I am in the middle of something similar. Right after the breakup about 2 months ago (I mean there was no clear date but I just take the day when he stopped contacting me after I found out about him lying to me for ages) I thought I'd never be able to breathe again because it hurt so much... I loved him so much, he was everything to me...he then still was the love of my life - although in my head I knew that I couldn't be with someone who lied to me like he did. But things change... I'd never have believed it, but I think differently now - I can see more clearly how he really was when we were together and how much I had to put up with and accept and swallow so our relationship would work.

Just reading about her yelling up to you she wants some kebap and chips and expecting you to go get them makes me wonder if you, too, perhaps accepted way more things than were good for you. I believe it's time for you to once not just love her for what she deep down is, but to closely look at what she really does and how she behaves. Somehow I feel you'll find a few things you just accepted out of love. The person you loved may not be there any more. People change. I am sure she is a wonderful person otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with her and stayed with her for so long, but she cheated on you and doesn't love you any more, but instead uses you as a chauffeur, fitness trainer, running buddy, food caterer etc.... is this really still the person you fell in love with?

Good that you know what has to be done... how are you coping?

Big hug
Kyeema