GF issues, please help!!

[padstar999]

Hi all,

So I've been with this girl for about 5 months. I'm 28 and she's 19, I'm english she's Japanese. Everything was fine till a couple of months ago. I gradually started to notice that she gives so much affection to other guys when she greets them. She says its just the Brazillian way to say hello (most of her schoolmates are brazilian), but I just witness too much chemistry. Also she always seems to attract the wrong kind of attention when we go out drinking. Sometimes I just go over and put my arm round her, but I feel like her protector, which sucks. Shes always giving guys the eye too, but I think that might just be a self esteem booster for her or something...

She does everything for me too. Washing, cleaning, buys groceries etc.

But the biggest worry was when I had a sneaky look at her phone when she was in the shower (wrong of me I know). I saw that she had recently texted this guy friend she has at 620am, just after I left the house for work about a week earlier. So I asked her when was the last time you spoke/exchanged messages to (this guy). She the last time was a month ago. When I told her about the message she seemed shocked that I knew about it, because she didn't know u could see sent messages (old phone). She said she didn't think she needed to mention it because he didnt reply. Then I saw that he had phoned him and she hadnt answered, but phoned him back 2 days later. When I asked her about that she said she forgot, but it wasnt important because they just missed each others calls and didn't speak. Then I saw on the phone the call duration was 13 minutes, asked her about it, and she said she meant that he didn't answer the text message, not the phone call.

I really thought she was lying, and she said call him if you dont believe me. I got her to phone him on loudspeaker and ask him if he called her last week. He said yes. Then after she said something he said "oh no, actually it was a long time ago.. I can't remember". This caused so many issues, and she met with him just after. Couldn't she just have asked him to check his call history to clarify if he called or not.

I'm positive theres nothing going on with them (although he likes her). Why would she lie about this. Or could I be ultra paranoid and have selective hearing/seeing??

I don't want to leave her. I don't think I'd have a problem finding a new girl, but I've become quite dependant on her.

I've talked to her about my concerns so many times its getting boring. She always says "ok, I'll try to have boundaries", but I don't think she wants to change at all, and probably won't.

Should I end it now?

Any advice would be great

[padstar999]

Ah by the way our sex life is quite good. But in the last few weeks she's been introducing some kinky requests..

[MerryH]

Should I end it now?

Yes.

Your first paragraph makes you sound controlling and kind of crazy. You didn't give any details, but your vague statements like, "too much chemistry" and how she "attracts the wrong kind of attention" are the kinds of things that controlling jerks say.

You should not be snooping in her personal things. If you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. And you should never embarrass her or shame her by making her call someone to prove something as you stand by to witness it. That's just...ugh.

Also you kind of set her up to lie to you after you found her message to that guy. You played a shitty little game, where instead of just being forthright and saying, "Hey, I snooped through your stuff and I saw you've been communicating with that guy. What is up with that?" you instead chose to ask roundabout questions that pretty much anyone with a controlling partner would tell a white lie about. Because even if it was completely innocent when she contacted that guy, it's still easier for her to just say, "Hm? No, I don't talk to him." Because if she gave you any other answer, you'd probably flip your shit, right?

I mean, just what the **** is wrong with her talking to a guy? She's allowed to have friends, right?

[padstar999]

Yes.

Your first paragraph makes you sound controlling and kind of crazy. You didn't give any details, but your vague statements like, "too much chemistry" and how she "attracts the wrong kind of attention" are the kinds of things that controlling jerks say.

You should not be snooping in her personal things. If you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. And you should never embarrass her or shame her by making her call someone to prove something as you stand by to witness it. That's just...ugh.

Also you kind of set her up to lie to you after you found her message to that guy. You played a shitty little game, where instead of just being forthright and saying, "Hey, I snooped through your stuff and I saw you've been communicating with that guy. What is up with that?" you instead chose to ask roundabout questions that pretty much anyone with a controlling partner would tell a white lie about. Because even if it was completely innocent when she contacted that guy, it's still easier for her to just say, "Hm? No, I don't talk to him." Because if she gave you any other answer, you'd probably flip your shit, right?

I mean, just what the **** is wrong with her talking to a guy? She's allowed to have friends, right?

Yes I set her up because I had a gut instinct that shes dishonest with me on a regular basis, and I was right. I'm don't lie to her and I'd like the same treatment back. We're in a serious relationship we live together, spend most of our time together.

Of course shes allowed to have friends, whats that got to do with telling lies?

[iloveyouboth]

I can kind of tell that she does not want to be tied down. It's understandable, since she's 19, and most teenagers/early 20s people tend to want to play around more. It's hard and very rare for someone to find a mature partner who does not play the game and whatnot.

[devonbrown]

MerryH is 100% right. You are the one with the issue here, not her. You find her greeting of other guys to be too much because YOU have insecurity issues. She may like the attention, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you are the one who is controlling and insecure.

Also, you don't trust her. Period. You snooped through her phone. You set her up. You forced her to PROVE to you that she hadn't talked to someone else. These are all things that are on YOU. Maybe she is deceitful, maybe not. The fact is you don't trust her and aren't giving her the chance to be trustworthy.

But yet you say you have a good relationship (which really doesn't sound true) and you are sure she wouldn't cheat on you. Maybe you are sure she wouldn't cheat because you know she is scared of what you would do if she does cheat. For someone who claims to be so honest, I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

And then you say this:

I don't want to leave her. I don't think I'd have a problem finding a new girl, but I've become quite dependant on her.

Glad that you don't think you'd have a problem finding a new girl. You must be able to hide your controlling and semi-abusive tendencies long enough to get dates. But you admit you are dependent on her (I am guessing this is the washing, cleaning, grocery shopping you were talking about). Dependency is not a way to build a relationship.

It doesn't sound like you want her. In fact, it doesn't sound like you want any girlfriend. It sounds like you want, in the immortal word of Danny DeVito on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," a bangmaid.

Go order up a prostitute who will do your laundry for you as well. You'll be happier than actually having to deal with a real relationship.

[bulrush]

To me it sounds like she is not into you and is hiding something from you. And she doesn't care about your feelings. Just my opinion.

[padstar999]

MerryH is 100% right. You are the one with the issue here, not her. You find her greeting of other guys to be too much because YOU have insecurity issues. She may like the attention, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you are the one who is controlling and insecure.

Also, you don't trust her. Period. You snooped through her phone. You set her up. You forced her to PROVE to you that she hadn't talked to someone else. These are all things that are on YOU. Maybe she is deceitful, maybe not. The fact is you don't trust her and aren't giving her the chance to be trustworthy.

But yet you say you have a good relationship (which really doesn't sound true) and you are sure she wouldn't cheat on you. Maybe you are sure she wouldn't cheat because you know she is scared of what you would do if she does cheat. For someone who claims to be so honest, I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

And then you say this:

Glad that you don't think you'd have a problem finding a new girl. You must be able to hide your controlling and semi-abusive tendencies long enough to get dates. But you admit you are dependent on her (I am guessing this is the washing, cleaning, grocery shopping you were talking about). Dependency is not a way to build a relationship.

It doesn't sound like you want her. In fact, it doesn't sound like you want any girlfriend. It sounds like you want, in the immortal word of Danny DeVito on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," a bangmaid.

Go order up a prostitute who will do your laundry for you as well. You'll be happier than actually having to deal with a real relationship.

You made one or two valid points, but I think your making too many assumptions. I only posted a brief outline of whats actually happening.

For starters at what point in my post did I claim to have a good relationship? And where did I say that I was sure she wouldn't cheat on me? Maybe you read to many of these kind of things, and your getting my post confused with somebody elses.

You guessed that I'm dependant on her doing washing, shopping, cleaning etc. Thats not what I meant I was dependant on.

And comparing someones girl to a prostitute isn't really useful, to put it mildly. To put it bluntly if you said that about a guy's girlfriend in a real life situation you might just feel the back of their hand...

[MerryH]

Of course shes allowed to have friends, whats that got to do with telling lies?

That wasn't the point. You don't seem like you're completely fine with her being friends with men. If you were fine with it, you wouldn't have questioned her phone calls to him. I'm not making excuses for her lying, but I can understand why one might be dishonest in that situation. My point was that your relationship is really unhealthy because of the things you're doing.

You suspected her of lying so you set her up, she lied, now your theory is correct. Why did you go through all that if you weren't ready to break up with her? Why are you still with her?

[IndiReloaded]

Hi all,

So I've been with this girl for about 5 months. I'm 28 and she's 19, I'm english she's Japanese. Everything was fine till a couple of months ago. I gradually started to notice that she gives so much affection to other guys when she greets them. She says its just the Brazillian way to say hello (most of her schoolmates are brazilian), but I just witness too much chemistry. Also she always seems to attract the wrong kind of attention when we go out drinking. Sometimes I just go over and put my arm round her, but I feel like her protector, which sucks. Shes always giving guys the eye too, but I think that might just be a self esteem booster for her or something...

She does everything for me too. Washing, cleaning, buys groceries etc.

But the biggest worry was when I had a sneaky look at her phone when she was in the shower (wrong of me I know). I saw that she had recently texted this guy friend she has at 620am, just after I left the house for work about a week earlier. So I asked her when was the last time you spoke/exchanged messages to (this guy). She the last time was a month ago. When I told her about the message she seemed shocked that I knew about it, because she didn't know u could see sent messages (old phone). She said she didn't think she needed to mention it because he didnt reply. Then I saw that he had phoned him and she hadnt answered, but phoned him back 2 days later. When I asked her about that she said she forgot, but it wasnt important because they just missed each others calls and didn't speak. Then I saw on the phone the call duration was 13 minutes, asked her about it, and she said she meant that he didn't answer the text message, not the phone call.

I really thought she was lying, and she said call him if you dont believe me. I got her to phone him on loudspeaker and ask him if he called her last week. He said yes. Then after she said something he said "oh no, actually it was a long time ago.. I can't remember". This caused so many issues, and she met with him just after. Couldn't she just have asked him to check his call history to clarify if he called or not.

I'm positive theres nothing going on with them (although he likes her). Why would she lie about this. Or could I be ultra paranoid and have selective hearing/seeing??

I don't want to leave her. I don't think I'd have a problem finding a new girl, but I've become quite dependant on her.

I've talked to her about my concerns so many times its getting boring. She always says "ok, I'll try to have boundaries", but I don't think she wants to change at all, and probably won't.

Should I end it now?

Any advice would be great

She's too young. Dependent on her after 5 months? You sound like a nutter.

[padstar999]

She's too young. Dependent on her after 5 months? You sound like a nutter.

It's a co-depaendancy i suppose. And yeah doing this does make me a nutter! As they say in 12 step meetings, a sick mind can't fix a sick mind. Thats why I came on here

[IndiReloaded]

Okay. Break up with her.

Does that help? Its the correct answer. Everything else posted after will just be filler, you know.

[smackie9]

I agree with iloveyouboth on the age thing, She is 19, she is barley an adult and she is an attention whore which is typical for someone her age. She is not your wife so basically if there's no ring, she is fair game. I suggest you date someone closer to you age. You are dating a 19 years for crying out loud....what do you expect?

[padstar999]

I agree with iloveyouboth on the age thing, She is 19, she is barley an adult and she is an attention whore which is typical for someone her age. She is not your wife so basically if there's no ring, she is fair game. I suggest you date someone closer to you age. You are dating a 19 years for crying out loud....what do you expect?

Good point. It's hard to break up a couple of days after an argument when the dust has settled and everythings back to normal though.

[devonbrown]

So I've been with this girl for about 5 months. I'm 28 and she's 19, I'm english she's Japanese. Everything was fine till a couple of months ago.

Okay, let me just say this. You've been dating for 5 months and everything was fine until a couple months ago. That would mean about 3 months of good and then 2 months of not good? 60% good is a failing grade in the relationship world. End it already.