[B]Signs of a breakup?[/B]

[JJC11]

Even though we have only been going out for a couple months,my girfriend and I became very close and fell in love. It was like magic for both of us, we could'nt wait to see each other the few days a week we had.We both had feelings for each other like never before,we are in our mid thirties and have had our share of dating.She Had just ended a relationship when we started going out, but she said her x had issues of depression and thier relationship had disolved long ago and that they never were close.She was attending a bible study group for which she had to stop going because of him.She seemed upset about a week ago and said it was that she was afraid that I would'nt understand her strong committment to the church.I encouraged her to go and said I would even go with her.And Sunday I went with her.Something was the matter with her afterwards and when I asked her she said she was extremely confused,did not know what about and needed some space,time away from me.She has been reading a book about co-dependency.Her x's were all insensitive jerks and I have treated her very good so she is not used to being treated well.Did our healthy relationship scare her away?Can she be madly in love with me last week and lose those feelings so quickly?What should I do (I am giving her space) should I not even call or email her?She goes to college with me and I usually see her in between classes, should I not go see her?How much space is 'space'?

[schueys_girl]

Space is as much space as she seems to want. As she is the one who initiated this it is up to her to decide what she means. So dont call her or email her, only answer with brief friendly responses. As for college this is a little harder...if you see her then i think you should smile at least, and then if she comes over thats up to her.

Without knowing the girl its hard to say why exactly she wants this space and whether it has to do with being treated badly by her ex's, who knows?! But what you did say is that she had JUST ended a relationship when you got together.

She could of been the sort of girl to go from relationship to relationship with a gap to 'be alone with herself and learn who she really is' and now by the sounds of this book on co-dependancy she could be taking steps to figure out who she is on her own and become an independant and strong woman. This is obviously a good thing for her, so respect her and give her the space she wants so she has chance to miss you and therefore want you back xx

[cycletease]

Timing is everything in making a relationship work. Even if two people are perfectly compatible the place they are in their life may mean the difference between break-up and happily ever after.

Sounds like you are with the right girl at the wrong time. She needs to get her head together. This has nothing to do with you. It is about her and she has to do it. It sucks for you but you need to leave her to do what she has to do.

Some people are quicker about getting their shit together...in which case maybe a few weeks and she will be ready. Most of the time, I regret, it takes years for people.

The only thing that you can do is leave her alone to do what she has to do. Until she has fixed herself you cannot have a healthy relationship. If she didn't end things now by asking for space it would end in the near future for other reasons.

Sorry that you have to go through this. I know it hurts and I know that it is hard.

[JJC11]

Yeah it is real hard.I just got out of class and we usually meet between our classes,with her getting out earlier than me.She usually waits for me, but I got out of class 5 minutes early and saw her going to her class already. I think she was avoiding me, because she usually waits for me. Tommorrow I sit next to her in a class, how awkward.In the class yesterday she seemed real nervous during and after the class when we walked to our cars.I feel so bad, I only wanted to bring happiness into her life, not more confusion.I am on pins & needles at school and cant even focus on my studies.My divorce years ago didn't hurt this bad and were not even broke up yet!I feel terrible that she has to go through this and really love this woman.

When she asked for space Sunday she said that maybe a few days off this week (form me and her 5 year old daughter) would help her put some things in space.She did say that it was nothing to do with me.We both agreed it had to do with her idenity. I didn't think space would mean not to talk to her or see her at all.

Thank you both for your input!! I really need this right now. I am in a pre-law program and concentrating on cases has been impossible! This does help me though, so thanks!!!

[cycletease]

I think that you need to find a way to put her at ease about this or the "space" isn't going to help. If she is this nervous about seeing you then you've got a problem.

I say have a talk with her and just let her know that there is no pressure and that she doesn't need to worry about you. Tell her to take whatever time she needs and that you support whatever decision she makes. Now deliver this with a tone of compassion and concern for her...no guilt at all.

After this no contact other than what is absolutely necessary. No waiting after class, no calls. With any luck she will realize that she really scored getting a sensitive and understanding guy like you!

[JJC11]

My girlfriend (T) had always seemed like she was uptight, a little nervous. But when we started going out it seemed like it was lifted, she always smiled and seemed confident. She said that she had never been happier. I did tell her what cycletease had suggested yesterday. I told her that their was no pressure and to take the time she needed, I told her that I would , or would not(a joke) be there for her.
I had really went out on a limb with her, being nice, sensitive and communicated all my feelings with her, I was quite the "nice" guy. This is different for me I sometimes have thought that if I treat a woman too nice that she would be bored with that, that women need a challenge.

I read a note she passed to me in class just last week that said: I love you! Can't wait til tommorrow when I can kiss & hold you and more. Love T. This was a week ago!! How can she go from that to not wanting to see me??? Confused & Hurt (I guess nice guys do finish last!)

[cycletease]

(I guess nice guys do finish last!)

You're wrong about this. The situation you are in right now is not because you were nice but because others weren't.

[JJC11]

You were right about one thing cycletease "The situation you are in right now is not because you were nice but because others weren't". But I was a nice guy who just didn't finish at all.

She broke up with me.Said she still had feelings for him and could not suppress them.She said she might try it with him again but wanted to be by herself now.I appreciate her honesty, but she has blown my mind! Could her "feelings" for him really be the guilt for letting go a mentally ill person and her issues of co-dependency? See my post "new girlfriend needs time"(its current) and I get more in depth with my reply(too much so).Thank you for all the support thru a hurtful time,it has helped!