i need a little perspective please.

[mike_nc]

My girlfriend and I have been dating[B] for just over 2 years and living together for almost 2years. We've known each other for over 15 years, we basically grew up together and she is my best friends sister! We always had a thing for one another but were afraid to say anything. One night, we were at a party and the refreshments of the evening made it easier for those feelings to come out and we hit it off! She lived in our home town and I had moved to NC for work. We did the long distance thing for a while and after 3 months of dating, I convinced her to move in with me. Things were going great until December that year, when her grandmother passed away. That event was the trigger and it caused her to develop PTSD, agoraphobia, and generalized anxiety disorder. She became paralyzed with fear. In order for her to go to the grocery store, she had to take so much xanax that it would put someone my size on their butt (6' 280 lbs)! She had a history of illness that made dealing with this even harder. She has scleroderma ( hardening of soft tissues) and fibromyalgia (over sensitive nerves causing pain). I've been supportive of her thru all of her old and new symptoms. She can't work because the GAD and fibromyalgia keep her limited on what she is able to do, so I am solely responsible for income.

Before we started dating, I led an active life. I dieted, exercised, hung out with my friends, had a good life balance, and participated in high energy sports. I was happy being me. This has changed since we moved in togeter. It started even before her grandmother passed away. She refused to support my diet (Atkins...it worked great for me.)She claimed that we would "eat healthy" but since then pizza, mcdonalds, and sugar have become the staples of our nutrition. If I chose to eat something other than what she prepared or packed me for lunch, she would become upset and mope or sulk. I gave in to these pressures. The next thing to go was the high energy sport. I encouraged her to participate, taught her how to do it. But she refused to participate. That in itself was not a problem. What was a problem was her reaction when I did this sport. When I brought her along when I did the sport, she would sulk and whine the entire time, ruining the fun for me. Whenever I asked what had upset her, the answer was always the same,"nothing" and that was always the end of it. On the other hand, if I went out and did this sport on my own, she would be upset when I got home. She would give me the cold shoulder and the same reason, "you nothing". As a result of this behavior, I quit doing this sport. She has interests in art and dance, both of which I have participated in full heartedly and learned to like. That was before her grandmother passed. Now, its much harder. Right around the time her grandmother passed, I was overcoming a problem with internet pornography. Every day since, she has asked me if I had looked at any pornography that day, followed by a disbelieving stare. That tends to wear on a person. Its like asking a recovering alcoholic if they got drunk that day after returning from work. Since then, it gets brought up every time we have a little tiff and rubbed back into my face. We have talked about this and it has gotten a little better, she still asks if I looked at pornography as soon as I get home from work.

In order to deal with all the issues caused by her grandmothers passing, she was on and off of antidepressants for about 6the months. Her emotions were wild and unpredictable and at times she became verbally and emotionally abusive. She would blame me for her not having any friends in NC because I didn't buy her a new car. So, I worked 12this hours a day 7 days a week (if im lying, im dying) for a month to buy her a car. During this time, she would not allow me to get more than 4 hours of sleep per night. She would be active in the room as I tried to sleep, and of I asked her to please let me sleep, she would become upset and claim that I was ignoring her. And if I fell asleep before she came to bed, the same argument would result. That was when our relationship was at its worst. Now she is in counseling and on medication and I have supported her fully. I tell her every day that im proud of her.

Recently, she has been putting greater and greater pressure on me to ask her to get married. Im so shell shocked from the past that im uncomfortable getting married right now. I told her this and she got even more upset and said that if I didn't marry her soon, she would leave. The next day was like nothing had happened.

The stress from all of these event has made be gain weight(nearly 100lbs). I've tried to talk with her about everything I said above and ot was either met with complete denial or she says shell change but falls back into the same rut. I love her very much but I wish things could be the way they were in the beginning. Now, im not satisfied with myself at all and I feel like a shell. Last night, I asked myself if my feelings were my own or if I was just feeling things that she wanted me to feel.


What do you think? If you need me to elaborate on anything, no problem. Also, sorry for any mis spellings, im typing this on my cell phone and it does some goofy stuff.

[Mathias]

I think she's manipulating you into being what she thinks she wants, and what she wants isn't a good person.

Get out.

[oldskool83]

you cant put pressure on sum1 marry. my ex wife did this to me at a young age and after 5 years together it ended in 6 months. it sounds like she really needs some help and your doing alot but shes also holding you back.

i remeber when my ex wife wouldnt let me work out or do things i use to do, eating well also ened up as her buying junk food. however if you gain 100lbs im sure your unhappy with yourself. id lay some ground rules or else its gonna have to be over. it sounds like your taken care of her and letting yourself go, and it can happen.

[mike_nc]

Thanks for the input. I'd thought about leaving on more than a few occasions but it seems that right when i'm about to break it off, it gets better. I tried early on to lay down some rules but she has no respect for them. For example, I told her I didn't want a dog right now because im trying to sell my house and we could get one when we moved into a place with a yard. That lasted a month then she brought home a pit bull puppy who has completely ruined my floors, chewed the footboard off of the bed, and killed what little grass I have. I think she treats the dog better than she treats me! :-)

[Mathias]

Thanks for the input. I'd thought about leaving on more than a few occasions but it seems that right when i'm about to break it off, it gets better. I tried early on to lay down some rules but she has no respect for them. For example, I told her I didn't want a dog right now because im trying to sell my house and we could get one when we moved into a place with a yard. That lasted a month then she brought home a pit bull puppy who has completely ruined my floors, chewed the footboard off of the bed, and killed what little grass I have. I think she treats the dog better than she treats me! :-)

Yeah, she has zero respect for you.

Rules are generally a bad idea, but if you can't even talk about this stuff before she buys a destructive dog - you're in trouble.

[devonbrown]

You said she is in counseling and you are proud of her for it. That is good that she is getting some help. But it also sounds like the two of you could use couple's counseling. Sometimes a situation gets to a point where you can't hear what the other person is trying to say. It might help to have a third party listen to both of you and help you learn how to communicate your wants and needs to each other more effectively.

It is a tough situation you are in, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave the relationship quite yet. Which is good. Like I said, a little bit of outside, professional help for the both of you might do wonders.

Good luck.

[mike_nc]

Yeah, she has zero respect for you.

Rules are generally a bad idea, but if you can't even talk about this stuff before she buys a destructive dog - you're in trouble.

That's the kicker, it wasn't so much of a rule as it was just a discussion. She wanted a dog, I explained why I didn't want one now and told her we would get one when we got a different place. She was disappointed but agreed. A month later, she was out buying food for our cats at petsmart and fell in love with this puppy and brought it home.

I appreciate all your input, its kind of letting me see how this thing looks from the outside.

[mike_nc]

You said she is in counseling and you are proud of her for it. That is good that she is getting some help. But it also sounds like the two of you could use couple's counseling. Sometimes a situation gets to a point where you can't hear what the other person is trying to say. It might help to have a third party listen to both of you and help you learn how to communicate your wants and needs to each other more effectively.

It is a tough situation you are in, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave the relationship quite yet. Which is good. Like I said, a little bit of outside, professional help for the both of you might do wonders.

Good luck.

We had talked about couples counseling and we're going to persue that after she reaches a certain stage in her counseling. Her counselor said doing it now would be ineffective because she is just now getting in touch with her feelings but she may not be able to communicate them properly.

I just have doubts/concerns/worries/etc... that our relationship will get better or if she'll stay her current course.

I am a HUGE advocate of open communication and I think I do it well, but im willing to try anything.

[rafterman]

She sounds like high maintenence. And shes starting to affect your health too. She has probably resorted to junk food because thats a "feel good" food.Not good in the long run. Her problems shoud'nt become your problems.
How bad was your internet porn problem? HEAPS of guys look at porn on the net. I dont understand why women have a massive issue with this. Looking at porn is not cheating. It can help a man's labido.

[IguanaLove]

If you've tried talking to her, really sitting down and talking to her on how you feel and she doesnt seem to care, only for a moment I would leave or threaten too and stick with it to see if she will change. Sometimes that works. If she has your full support she should give it back 100%.

[saveamarriage]

Seems like a dishonest person, and uses her disabilites as an advantage to keep you