Girlfriend not wanting sex, please help!

[sythmod]

Hello there!

Well, it's quite a long story but I'll try to shorten it down and keep it detailed.

April last year I fell in love with a girl, my first true love. We hung out a lot and we started getting feelings for each other after sometime, but the problem was that she had a boyfriend. Long story short; it didn't work out in the beginning because she had a boyfriend (obviously), but I kept waiting for her. A lot happened in the meantime (she broke up with her boyfriend September) between April last year and March this year, but after almost a year things sorted out, and we finally turned into a couple the middle of March.

Things went smoothly, even though it was a bit strange at the beginning seeing as we had been friends for such a long time, but now; almost a half year later, the foundation with having such a strong friendship seems really good. In the beginning things went quite fast, I guess it didn't take more than a week until we had had sex, and we continued having sex until the start of May. There were no problems and it was really just a lot of fun. No awkward situations or nothing, and we talked about sex without any problem, and yeah, everything seemed flawless. The only thing that didn't work out too well was the fact that she wasn't able to get an orgasm vaginally, like with the G-spot and everything, but I said that it's not common to be able to do so. I didn't think it would be a big problem, but I guess I was wrong.

In the start of May she wasn't really that into sex anymore, and I asked her what the problem was... she replied that she doesn't really feel like she gets anything from having sex seeing as she ain't able to come vaginally. I respected her answer and I didn't really think it would mean that we would have to stop with sex; but quite soon I realized that the sex had completely stopped. I talked to her again about a week later and asked her if there were something else, some underlying reasons. She told me that she wasn't 100% honest with her first answer, and she said that every time we are done having sex she feels "dirty". She said that she feels like it's a bit too much to have had sex with two people when she's only 17 years (one year younger than me), but I told her that it ain't really that much, both she had sex with meant a lot to her, and she shouldn't think like that. So I guess she's just not mature enough, even though she is mature in a lot of other aspects. I asked her if it had anything to do with me, but she told me that it was the same with her ex. I couldn't do anything else to accept what she had told me, and well, I love her, so seeing as we always have a lot of fun when we're together without having sex, I didn't really think of it as a problem.

About a month ago we were lying in bed watching a movie, when she turned to be and asked me "What are you thinking about?" I replied honestly and told her "Sex" and she replied "Do you miss it?" and I said "Yeah, kinda..". She kissed me and we started making out, and I knew exactly where this was heading. I was happy, but still not really comfortable seeing as I wasn't really sure if she really wanted to have sex, or just have it for my sake. So I stopped her, actually thinking with the correct head, and said "Listen, you don't have to do this if you don't want to, I respect what you told me." and she stopped, became silent, I gave her a hug and we continued watching the movie. At this point I understood that she still wasn't up for having sex, and it made me kinda sad, as I really miss it, and I feel it's an important factor in a relationship..

Anyways, it's almost 3 months since we had sex, and about 2 weeks since we had any kind of closeness (aka, being half naked, touching etc etc). And I'm really, really starting to miss it. It's not only the sex, but it's everything. I feel like after we stopped having sex everything physical has been dimmed down as well. I really do respect her decision, and even though how cliche this sounds; "a man has his needs", I do need it. Not in the terms of unconditional sex, but actually being so close to another person. I guess you could say I'm really starting to need the intimacy I feel like we're lacking. And seeing as her problem is something I should really respect I think it's hard to converse about this topic. I feel like I just have to accept it, but it's really starting to get difficult.

If you bothered to read this; I thank you! If you've ever been in the same situation, or if any women here have felt the same in some way, please tell me. Please give me some advice on how to handle this, and how I can possibly change what she thinks.
If you have any questions, please ask!

Best regards; frustrated 18 year old boy/man.

Edit: . I forgot to add, when she said that she felt kinda dirty, she also said that she's afraid that the relationship will only evolve around sex.
She said the reason for this was because she was one time on her way to her ex, and she thought to herself "Today we will not do anything physically(as in sex)" probably because she wanted to keep things away from being just sex, and even though she promised herself that they wouldnt have sex, they did.

[Hollowfox]

It is very normal of you wanting to be intimite with her and I think you've been handeling the situation wonderfully. You gf obviously has a serious pyschological problem with sex. I was wondering if she might have been abused in the past? She might not even remember, but her behaviour sure sounds like she has been. She should seek help, but this is very hard to tell her, because she might feel like you think she's crazy and you want to pressure her into having sex through a psychiatrist. So make it very clear that you don't want to pressure her, but that you are concerned about her and that you think she needs professional assistance through this. As long as she doesn't sort this out, she will never in her life have the chance for a decent long-term relationship. She might not take your words on this and will just try to let things flow as they are, in which case you're heading for a break-up for sure. And even if she does consider to get help, it might take over a year or longer for her to be able to come even close to enjoying sex again... which will mean you'll have to continue to be very patient for something that might never happen. Imo opinion, it doesn't look very good and you might be right: she is not mature enough, in the sence that she is not ready, for a relationship. She needs to help herself first.

[sythmod]

Thanks a lot Hollowfox, I really haven't thought about it like that... I forgot to add though, when she said that she felt kinda dirty, she also said that she's afraid that the relationship will only evolve around sex.
She said the reason for this was because she was one time on her way to her ex, and she thought to herself "Today we will not do anything physically(as in sex)" probably because she wanted to keep things away from being just sex, and even though she promised herself that they wouldnt have sex, they did.
So I'm thinking it might have something to do with that promise she didn't hold to herself that day. Or is that far off track?

[rafterman]

Send her to a convent, with the rest of the Nuns.......I guess she cant really complain if you go looking for"it" elsewhere?

[sythmod]

Send her to a convent, with the rest of the Nuns.......I guess she cant really complain if you go looking for"it" elsewhere?

Was I supposed to laugh at the first line? Anyways, I'll assume your question was rhetorical, as the answer is quite obvious.

[Rhainnonxx]

i totally get what your girlfriend is saying, my first long-term relationship after everytime we had sex i felt empty and weird, it wasnt a good feeling, i think i was just too young, but my best advice to you is that you can have sex with her and there are still ways to make her have an orgasm during sex, maybe you could show her that and that might make her feel like its more "fair" other than that you have to know it isnt your fault it sound very internal for her like its an emotional thing, if you really love her stick it out and keep talking about it, but let her know that you want to because you love her and you want to feel emotionally and physically connected to her. if its something you can move on from than do that and find someone who is on your level. but there is hope that her attitude could change.

[MaidenMinx]

you need to talk to her. You need to tell her that you do have needs and while you respect her, there is a middle ground between the relationship being about nothing but sex and it being completely void of sex.

[sythmod]

I really don't think she has been abused, we've talked about everything and a lot of personal matters which is almost as bad as abuse, and well, I'm pretty sure she would've told me.. I think the cause is more what Rhainnonxx says; she is probably just a bit immature when it comes to
sex. And no Rhainno; this is definetly something I cant just move on from, she means too much for me to just walk away.. and yeah, you are probably right Maiden, I'll have to find that middle ground in the relationship. Thanks for the replies I appreciate it a lot.

[MaidenMinx]

Dr Phil says if you are having sex less than 10 times a year you are in a sexless relationship. Maybe try suggesting to her that you guys don't let more than a month go past without it. It may feel like a chore for her for a while, but that is ok. Once an insecurity about sex has been put in place it takes work to get over. I went right off sex after we had our son (and before anyone says that's normal... not for 3 or 4 years it's not). I was able to enjoy it at times but I really had no inclination to start anything and felt like I was letting hubby have his way with me. Over about 18 months or so we worked on making sure we didn't go a month without it and over time it got more natural again.

[sythmod]

Dr Phil says if you are having sex less than 10 times a year you are in a sexless relationship. Maybe try suggesting to her that you guys don't let more than a month go past without it. It may feel like a chore for her for a while, but that is ok. Once an insecurity about sex has been put in place it takes work to get over. I went right off sex after we had our son (and before anyone says that's normal... not for 3 or 4 years it's not). I was able to enjoy it at times but I really had no inclination to start anything and felt like I was letting hubby have his way with me. Over about 18 months or so we worked on making sure we didn't go a month without it and over time it got more natural again.

Yeah, I think this is something I'll have to try to do... but do you have any idea how I should approach her on this? She has been very clear on the fact that she won't have sex with me if it's just for my sake, she would have to want it to.

[rafterman]

Seriously, this girl might be gay. Your hand must be working overtime to compensate for her lack of intamacy.Talk about wanker's cramp!

[vashti]

She's only 17. Go find someone who is ready for sex; she clearly isn't. Just because YOU are ready to do it doesn't mean SHE is (or should be), and you shouldn't be pressuring her in any way. Females often aren't interested in sex at 17 - they are usually MUCH more interested in love and romance and rainbows.

Besides, no offense, but people your age usually don't really know what they are doing, and why would she want to continue doing something that isn't working for her?

[sythmod]

Seriously, this girl might be gay. Your hand must be working overtime to compensate for her lack of intamacy.Talk about wanker's cramp!

Nice trolling attempt there buddy, sure you know all about a wanker cramp!

Intimacy* btw.

[smackie9]

Dude she is 17 and obviously not really ready to have a sexual relationship. They say if you feel awkward having the lights on during sex, then you are not mature enough to have sex. Instead of analyzing this to s hit, just call it quits. I know you are clinging on for dear life because you not so lucky with the ladies, but in time that will change for you. She was your first real relationship, but she will not be your last. Relationships will come and go in your life. This one will end and so will the next and so on. You have your whole life ahead of you, you don't need to be wasting your energy on something that is finished. You cant change this....time to move on.

[redmagnum]

If you're dating a girl you've been having sex with, who all of the sudden doesn't want to touch you.........either she's getting it somewhere else or you're on the short road to getting dumped......

Don't walk away from that, RUN !