Losing your loved one to death vs. being dumped...

[hurtsoul80]

Well, FWIW, some do make a distinction b/t verbal abuse (which this thread certainly isn't) and hostile language... which this thread and some posters might be responsible for.

Since WU enjoys books, here's a title I read years ago on this subject. Its pretty good I remember, tho I do think its important to recognize yet another difference: hostile vs. assertive. We as a society have lost the ability for civil, assertive discourse. People are now hypersensitive and PC, which keeps them from addressing their issues, IMO.

[url=http://www.amazon.com/How-Disagree-Without-Being-Disagreeable/dp/0471157058/ref=pd_sim_b_2]Amazon.com: How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense (9780471157052): Suzette Haden Elgin: Books[/url]

@ Kyeema-- You mentioned the funeral today I think. Condolences, sweet Hope you are doing ok.

@ Hurtsoul, your posting style reminds me of a young man called Neo. He was one of my favourite posters until he went nuts and started spamming the board.

Indi, I am not Neo. As I said before I do like you a lot when you talk seriously. However using apparently "friendly" but yet disparagingly names for people (e.g. "kid" "young man") etc. do not help build foundations for a good discussion.

I will say it one more time. I hope people can get it. Verbal abuse was brought in just as an example when WU said that words don't hurt. I never said anybody verbally abused anyone.

Regarding WU. She showed she was very sensitive when it comes to a specific book and asked me twice not to judge it if I haven't read it.

Yet she is very quick in generalizing, judging and characterizing other people and their behaviour when she talks about things that those people are much more sensitive about (their inner thoughts and feelings at the moment they are weakest).

Taken from the comment that started all this discussion:
"be maudlin and pity-seeking"
"cling to your pain"
"you are afraid to let go of your pain"
"y'all"

Yet she seems to have trouble to follow logical arguments:
Me - Words *can* hurt
WU - Words don't hurt
Me - Verbal abuse hurts therefore words can hurt
WU - I didn't verbally abused anyone
Me - I never said you did. But its a different discussion if what you said hurts or not
WU - The keyword is verbal abuse. "If in fact Op was hurt here, then it was a choice she decided to run with."

So lets screw the continuation of the logical argument flow and lets stick in a couple of things we read in a self-help book?

One last time. People post here when they are the least strong and the post their inner thoughts and feelings. Hence making themselves vanurable.

My opinion is that by judging them, characterizing their behaviour and thoughts, playing strong with somebody that doesn't affect us, and by throwing in wild generalizations we don't help them but only make ourselves feel better and one-up by patronizing.

This is honestly my last post.

[IndiReloaded]

Indi, I am not Neo. As I said before I do like you a lot when you talk seriously. However using apparently "friendly" but yet disparagingly names for people (e.g. "kid" "young man") etc. do not help build foundations for a good discussion.

Your entire attitude is trying to teach certain posters 'a lesson' and its laughable. You seem to think it matters to me if you like me or not based on my posts. Sorry but I really don't care what you think. "Kid" describes your attitude very well. You want to be the teacher when its very clear you are still the student. You are desperate for a respect that continued arguing and demanding isn't likely to get you. Neo was the same.

The whole rest of your post was just continuing an argument about WU and addressing it to me as an excuse. I'm not interested.

FWIW, I think WU has a similar issue to yours. Shrug.

[Wakeup]

Seems most of us have this "issue" you refer to indi. Even you, it's discussion board. We discuss and we sometimes get passionate about what we're discussing and feel that when addressed directly we will respond to such.

[Kyeema]

I'm not understanding what you're asking of me?

I find that in many cases you attach a request for sympathy to things said where there was no request for sympathy intended. Like with my question here... usually if someone reacts repeatedly in a certain way to a neutrally meant statement it tells something about the person himself... in this case it would mean that you could have had someone in your past life who always wanted sympathy from everyone and especially you and that's why you now see it even when it's not there...

You're certainly not helping someone to grow to their fullest, to live their inner potential if you just let them wallow in thier pain and just go there, there. As I said it's fine in the beginning but when you see that someone is becoming addicted to something that is not in their best interestes but you keep allowing them to think in the same destructive manner then you are enabling them and you are doing the exact opposit of allowing them to meet their utmost potential.

How do you know where the boundary between just feeling normal pain and becoming addicted to it starts? Especially in a forum like this you see only a small part of the person writing and just because they write about their pain for a few weeks it does not necessarily mean they make pain their best friend. Everyone has their own timetable and way of healing... let me quote Melody Beattie from her "A Twenty-fifth Anniversary Message From Melody Beattie" in Codependent No More here: "Don't give up hope. It took many of us twenty years or more to acquire these protective behaviors we umbrella with the word codependancy. It may take as much time as that to let go of them".

If everything in the house reminds you of him, and you can't afford to move then how about doing some redecorating which shouldn't cost you a whole lot of money but will keep your mind busy and will make you feel like you've accomplished something for you. You need to concentrate on yourself and take your mind off of him. Paint, new throw rugs, fresh drapery that sort of thing. You can also start to make new memories there with friends and family.

I have been doing all that already. Still I have those bad moments where I just feel hopeless, sad and destroyed...

As for the money he owes you. I know you're not strong enough to do this but have you thought of taking him to small claims court or contacting a lawyer for advice on how to get it back? Do you have anything in writing that he owes it to you? You need to get stronger with him and set a payment schedule at least and if he doesn't adhere to it then get some advice from a lawyer.

Again you assume wrong. I went to a lawyer over a month ago. Although the law is on my side it was bad news. Due to his personal circumstances which I am not going to discuss here having him pay voluntarily is the only chance I have to get my money back. And for him keeping to do so, an "as friendly as possible" relationship is the best and only possibility.

You can overcome your childhood. This is where therapy and self improvment books come into play. They teach ways to overcome and allow you to love yourself. You know, when you love yourself you are hurt when you lose someone but you overcome quicker because you've worked to be the best you that you can be and you know that when you're ready, you will find someone else who will want to partner up with you again. When you are not codependent, you are capable of maintaining a life alone. I've been with the same man for over 30 years and I would be grief stricken if he should die and leave me behind, however I will not stop living and I'll not need to write my bad day(s) on a public board so that strangers comment and enable me to remain in grief. I will have the tools to overcome and live the rest of my life in relative happiness.

Have you ever experienced loss? You are lucky being with one man for 30 years... all these self-help books are nice, everything is so logical in there, I've read many of them, but using and living what's written in there when you actually need to do so is not as easy as reading and understanding it... it's theory and practice... and not everything applies to or helps everyone...

You have experience with therapy then? Have you considered going to one again? It may help you with your less than wonderful childhood.

Yes, I do have experience with therapy.

This is a forum board it's not therapy.

That's why I come here for nice, encouraging words and not for advice.

No, after a few weeks, I would not. However; If, like you she showed no progress in recovering and it looked (like you) that she was becoming addicted to her sorrow then I'd tell her: Look, you need to start doing things and being proactive in overcoming or this will become your lifestyle... joyless and unmotivated.

So why do you do it here with me? It's been about 6 weeks that it's over (I can't say exactly because there was no break-up date). So now here I am a few weeks into the process of grieving and letting go, showing progress in recovering, having no interest whatsoever in becoming addicted to my sorrow, just having many bad moments and sharing them here - which I repeatedly told you - and still you keep on telling me I am going the wrong way...

You know that's what I meant by you being narrow-minded: you don't open your mind to what people say. Instead you keep sticking to all the same things you write, repeating them over and over again... and I don't only mean the "do NC" etc. advice which you're simply positive of, but telling people they're just lamenting and moaning and on the road to hell instead of recovery... I think that's judgemental and being judgemental doesn't help anybody here...