Girlfriend and pregnancy talk,need advice

[motleylou]

Hey girls I need some advice if this is a common way of thinking for girls out there. My gf of 3 months and I had a talk about pregnancy and we decided that if she got pregnant we would have an abortion(don't want to get political but it's what we decided). She then says to me that if she does get pregnant that she can't be with me anymore. I said well I wouldn't want that to happen and I would want to be there for you and hope you would be there for you.she didn't budge and said if it happens then were done.

I understand that if something like that happens then the relationship might suffer and would end bc it's a really stressful situation. But to go into something like that happening with the mindset that it's over makes no sense to me. I want her to go into a situation like that thinking that we could make it through it and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't.

It really has me rethinking moving ahead with her. If she can leave like that then how am I suppose to feel connected an close when I know it could all be over,and it's not something I have control over. Were both doing the right things to not get pregnant,but it really has me stressing during sex now. I like this girl a lot and am looking for a long term relationship. But I really feel like this put a dent in it,and she is unwilling to budge on the issue.

It's like She's putting restrictions on something I have no control over,she's on birth control and not having sex isn't an option. If she said if you cheat then I'm done then I can understand that bc I have full control over that. It's similar to her saying if you get laid off then I'm dumping you.

I guess it's just really making me rethink her commitment to me and how devoted to the relationship she is. I'm having a hard time feeling close to her now,an every time we have sex now I think well this could be the time I lose her. My questions are is this normal? Do most girls think like this? Do you think this is a red flag that she's not good for a LTR? Would any of you say something like this and put those restrictions on someone? Thanks in advance for all answers.

[Vanessa]

An abortion is a traumatic experience and everyone reacts differently. Two of my closest friends both had it done, one of them broke up with her boyfriend afterwards because she said she associated him with the bad memory and their relationship had certain problems anyway, and somehow I think she blamed him for what happened, for the other one it only brought them closer. They did break up eventually but a long time after that.

I don't know anything about your relationship so I can't really tell why your girlfriend is saying what she's saying, maybe it's that in the event it would happen she would direct her anger at you because for some people it's easier to move on when they have someone to blame, so she would decide to end it.

How I see things: if I was with someone and I had deep feelings for that person, planning on having a long term relationship and so on, I wouldn't give that person up if I had to go through an abortion, which I hope I never will. If it was someone I didn't have serious intentions with, I'd probably end it right away and wouldn't even want them to know because it seems like such an intimate and horrible experience I wouldn't wanna go through it with them.

However I can't be sure this is exactly how I would react because I've never been in that situation and you never know how something like this will affect you - and neither does your girlfriend. She might see things differently than I do but I don't know how else to help you than to give you my opinion. She might only be saying it as an empty threat or if she shares my views she might not be as committed as you are, but if she's not taking things seriously there should be other things giving that away besides this discussion.

[Riku]

Here's one possible reason: She gets pregnant, has an abortion, stays with you. The two of you end up together, married, having a great life, kids in the future.... If that happened could you imagine the intense feelings of guilt she would have then seeing how great your lives turned out and yet you should have had a child with you through all of it? Just knowing that life worked out AND with the father of the potential child I think would be too hard to take, it would be hard to convince yourself in that future that what you had done was necessary.

[motleylou]

Thanks for the replies an advice. I understand why it wouldn't work out I have heard that abortions are really a hard time in a girls life. I have even read that a miscarriage can change how a girl feels about her partner. So I know that the odds of staying together wouldn't be good. She said that she wouldn't be able to look at me the same way after something like that,and I completely understand. It's more the fact that she already has in her mind that it's over automatically. Especially since I'm looking for a girl to have a LTR with. Our relationship so far is really good and we have a lot of chemistry but this just took me by surprise. To me it's like her saying if you car breaks down then I'm out,I don't really have any control if my breaks down or not as long as I maintain it well and do the right things to it.

I guess to me it has more to do with the fact that I'm having a hard time feeling close to her now. The best thing to do is to talk to her about it,but she's pretty set in her ways. I just don't know if this means that when hard times come she will boot and it's those questions that I think about now since she said that. I know it's still early in the relationship but I've never had a girl say that to me before,usually it's we'll work through anything and it's really comforting to hear that. I just don't know if I lose my job and fall on hard times she will boot. I'm just really not sure how to take her saying that.

[Vanessa]

Riku: Yeah, that might aswell be possible. But it's not only about ending up with that person, two people could be deeply in love and meaning to be spending the rest of their lives together, but that's not all it takes to raise a kid; they might not be ready to take care of a baby, might not have the means to provide for a child at the moment etc.

And motleylou, abortion is a pretty touchy subject; it doesn't have to mean she's like that about hard times in general. I think things will get clear in time.

[motleylou]

Thanks Vanessa,I'm just going to try and live in the moment,right now our relationship is really good. There's really nothing I can do beside just be smart when having sex which we are. If it happens then it does. I would just hate to put in all this time and energy to have her boot but it might happen anyway. I'm going to tell her how I feel but I respect the way that she feels too. There's no telling over time maybe he thoughts will change. It just really took me by surprise when she said that but I do appreciate her honesty instead of just telling me what I wanted to hear. It's just something that I'm going to have to work through.

[Riku]

I'm fully aware of what it takes to raise a kid. This isn't about the reason for having an abortion it is about reasons for leaving the person you were pregnant by. It's too much to take if it were to work out. There would be a lot of guilt involved, more so than if you moved on and spent your life with someone else who had nothing to do with that part of your life.

[Vanessa]

Riku, I never said you weren't, dear. You're perfectly right in saying the potential guilt might be a reason for someone to end a relationship, because some people feel that way. I however am not one of them, and I know married couples who have had abortions before or after having other children because of some of the reasons I stated.

motleylou, indeed, this was all just a hypotetical discussion and in the end there's no need to worry about it. If we worried about all the bad things that could happen to us we'd never sleep at night. You're being responsible and taking care so you should take it off your mind, you say you have a good thing going on so just go with it and enjoy

[motleylou]

Ya I agree that I just have to take it for what it is. I think it just caught me by surprise,and like I said Ive never had that discussion before. Things are really good right now so I'm just going to tell her my pov and be done with it. There's nothing else I can do it's out if my hands. Like you said just going to enjoy it for what it is right now. Bc in all honesty there's so many other things that will probably break us up before that comes into play bc we are being really careful and taking every precaution.

[MaidenMinx]

Quick questions before I formulate my response..

How old are you both? And does she want to have kids in the future or does she never want kids?

[motleylou]

I'm 24 she just turned 23 and she's u decided on kids,says somedays she wants lots other times she says she wants none. I think deep down if I had to guess I would say she does want kids.

[MaidenMinx]

Then try not to panic too much. One thing I have learnt in my 31 years on this planet is the things you are most 'set' on are the things will be challenged. Life will throw you into situations that will test your convictions. I honestly think that if you can relax about this and not let it screw with your head too much, her line of thought will be completely different in a couple of years. You've only been together for a few months. When hubby and I had been together about that length of time he tried to explain to me that we didn't have to have sex all the time and he stupidly said "I can happily go a couple of months without it". A couple of years ago we were arguing about sex and I threw that line back at him again. He said to me "Jesus! If I knew I would be hearing that forever I never would have said and would have just let you wear me out." Point being, you are still in the asserting your personality phase and setting the guide lines for the rest of your relationship. Try not to stress about things that are heavily worded, though do chat to her and try to get to the bottom of the why's of her decision.

[motleylou]

Thanks for the advice maidenminx. Ya I think I probably over thought the whole thing. It was just wierd to me to have her say that probably bc all the other convos I've had with girls about that stuff they said oh we can get through anything. And I really like this girl so it made me question her level of commitment and how much she wanted this relationship to work. I'm going to tell her my point of view and find out why she feels that way. I just want to make sure that she's not going to bail when bad things happen,job loss or something. I don't want to invest in someone who isn't going to be there when the going gets tough and for whatever reason I got that impression from her saying that.

[MaidenMinx]

Then you need to carefully express to her where your thoughts have leapt. It sounds like she has a sense of realism that is rare. You may have to be optimistic for both of you.

[smackie9]

Be more in control....wear condoms, even if she is on the pill....if it breaks she can go to the pharmacy and get plan B within 72 hours of contact. never trust a girl when it comes to birth control...they can miss accidentally and not say anything, or they can miss on purpose.....

Tip: we never really know our reaction to a situation until it happens so what she says now may not be what she says later...the only thing you can do, is do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening.