Am i a douchebag or is she overreacting?

[LoneWolfie]

So, as i mentioned in another thread, my GF broke up with me last week over some circumstances in our lovelife she couldnt deal with, but the thing that pushed her over the edge was the following:

1,5 week ago i met a friend of a friend on Facebook and we started talking a bit and getting to know each other.

I added her to MSN because it was easier to chat that way and she asked to see some pictures because she was curious. So i changed my display picture to several others to show her. No big deal, girls do that all the time. Her own display picture looked like it was taken at some photoshoot, same picture she also used on facebook. I could only see her from the upper chest upwards, and it looked like she was wearing some top. It turned out it was a fancy sports bra.

Anyway, she said the picture was from an semi-pro underwear photoshoot and asked if i wanted to see more of them, she sounded excited and proud of the shoot and even mentioned her mom liked the pictures.

Figuring it wouldnt be that bad, i said "sure, why not?". And she sent me 6 pictures on MSN.

Turns out there was only 1 picture she showed her mom, which was a normally clothed picture. The other 5 were the kind of pictures you see in underwear catalogs. Now the lingerie she was wearing was not all that erotic, no seethrough or lace etc, infact my girlfriend shows more skin and curves when she's wearing her bikini.

I mentioned to the girl i felt i was probably doing something inappropriate by watching these pics, but that she looked nice in them.

I felt awkward about it so i contacted my GF and told her about the new female friend being a little weird because she sent me "sexy pics" within hours of first chatting with me and that it didnt sit right with me.

My girlfriend asked about the pictures and the conversation in which she gave them so i showed them both, explaining the situation surrounding it.
She got really upset and pissed off at me over this. And now, a week later, still hasnt fully forgiven me. Stating that i might aswell have shagged her.
She no longer felt special and claimed she never could again and for her that was the spark to break up with me over this and other reasons. (other reasons being circumstances, not me doing stupid stuff btw.)

I promised i wouldnt do stuff like this again, that i was sorry and pointed out i came to her right away when i felt it was worse than i thought, which helped a bit she said. Last week she said she forgave me but last night it became clear she hadnt "fully forgiven me" and was still upset and angry about it.... ...Double-U-Tee-Eff?

I told her she knows i wouldnt do it if i knew the pics were that inappropriate, to which she agreed but said it didnt matter because it happened anyway. And she doesnt want to hear any explanations etc. When i said that comparing it to "shagging her" was overkill she said i was "entitled to my own opinion."
She just got angry and quit the conversation and went to bed.

I still feel bad about it but i think she's reacting way over the top.

[LoneWolfie]

...wow...i did not expect to see so many negative replies to me chatting with members of the opposite sex. (from this and other sites) I feel horrible...

I never, ever was out to chat up with her in a inproper way or anything other than having another fun person to talk to. Since my (ex)-GF spends loads of time with male friends, i was on the look out for some male and female friends to chat with when im bored and my GF isnt around. Just friends, i swear to all of you! And my GF knew i was looking for new friends to talk to. Infact a few months ago we talked about her spending time with guy friends and chatting up with them. And how i should not worry about it. I suggested maybe i should get some female friends to chat with, since if i had friends of the oppossite sex, i would see it's nothing to feel insecure about. I LITERALLY told her that and she didnt seem to have any problem with it.

This sure as hell backfired badly. The girl in question is willing to talk to my ex-GF about it and explain it from her point of view. Actually she told me 5 minutes ago that yesterday a male friend of hers got dumped because he also saw her pictures and his GF was pissed off at it.

[MerryH]

So, as i mentioned in another thread, my ex-GF broke up with me last week over some circumstances in our lovelife she couldnt deal with, but the thing that pushed her over the edge was the following:

Fixed that for you.

Yeah, she's overreacting. Probably only because it's a convenient excuse to get out of the relationship. It's easier for her to get mad at you for something and blame you for the breakup instead of growing a pair and telling you outright that she simply does not want to be with you.

I read a little bit of your other thread. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't want this to work. Probably best if you cut contact and move on.

Edit:

The girl in question is willing to talk to my ex-GF about it and explain it from her point of view.

This will not help at all. Her point of view doesn't matter. Your ex is mad at you, not the other girl.

[Cerby]

Well, you made a mistake here. Once you realized that these pics were too much, you shouldn't have told your GF, you should have just simply cut contact, removed the pics, and let it go.

At this point you would have done everything right, and should have felt good about that. Instead you fessed up to your GF about this, and she took it the wrong way (surprise surprise, she is a girl after all) and now you have to wait to see if she will calm down and do damage control then.

Best of luck.

[LoneWolfie]

Well, you made a mistake here. Once you realized that these pics were too much, you shouldn't have told your GF, you should have just simply cut contact, removed the pics, and let it go.

At this point you would have done everything right, and should have felt good about that. Instead you fessed up to your GF about this, and she took it the wrong way (surprise surprise, she is a girl after all) and now you have to wait to see if she will calm down and do damage control then.

Best of luck.

I felt guilty about it so i told her, figured honesty would be the best policy. Guess i should not have mentioned anything

[LoneWolfie]

I do not try to make her look insecure, i meant to say that if she is able to go out and meet and chat up with new guys to make friends, i should be able to do the same, and she always agreed with this. So i am not being foolish for seeking out friends of the opposite sex by chatting with a girl and exchanging some pictures.

My ex-gf was perfectly fine with everything, me chatting with new girls, making female friends, getting her on MSN, EVEN SENDING PICTURES..just not about the fact the pictures were as bad as they turned out to be. Seriously, if i realised how inappropriate the pictures were i would never have accepted it in the first place. I made a judgement error for 3 seconds thinking it couldnt be so bad, based on the fact she said she already showed the pics to lots of people including her own mother. Right up to that point i was 100% positive my girlfriend would be happily ok with it. When i saw the exact nature of the pictures however i knew i should have been more cautious.

The only mistake i feel i made was not being cautious enough and overlooking the fact the mentioned the word "underwear" when she spoke proudly about her photoshoot. That should have set off alarm bells, but i figured she wouldnt be sending pictures that would be unappropriate, naive perhaps, a silly mistake, but i think worst 'punishment' i deserve is her getting angry for a few hours and making me promise never do something like that again or be more careful. Everything else i did was perfectly in line with what my girlfriend has also done on a daily basis the past 3 years.

She freely admitted that she takes full responsibility for the break up and feels absolutely horrible for losing me. But the circumstances (long distance, her mental issues, her feeling scared because she's less into me the past weeks) were the main reason she broke up. She told me this was just the spark to suddenly unveal all those covered up worries she had that she might not be good enough for me and that she'll end up hurting me in the future when we want to marry and live together.

And i didnt call you a woman. I meant me getting negative replies, about me chatting with members of the opposite sex. Sorry for the confusion.

[devonbrown]

It sounds almost as if you were testing your ex-gf to see how she would react to you chatting with other girls. Testing someone you are dating is not a good thing. Ever.

And while she may be overreacting, the fact is that you started to talking to someone and brought it to a different level by agreeing to look at additional pictures of her. Be honest with yourself here. Whether you were hoping to score some on the side or not, you were hoping to see some hot pictures of this girl. And then you got guilty. And wanted to ease your mind. It was all about you here. You didn't think about your girlfriend's feelings until she started to get mad.

It definitely sounds like she is not ready for anything again with you anytime soon. So I would do my best to learn from the experience and move on.

Good luck.

[lahnnabell]

Her anger isn't just about the pictures. The pictures are a convenient excuse for her to get mad despite all of the other BS she's been putting you through as well. All of her excuses: the move, her not feeling the same way anymore, wanting space from you, are all rolled into this petty argument over these pictures. Don't waste another second on this.

There is nothing you can do. And the fastest way you can show to her that you're not going to sit and cry and be her doormat is by ignoring this tantrum. Don't call her, text her, e-mail her or anything. If she keeps antagonizing you, ignore her. Don't let her talk to you unless she can be calm and rational.

I agree with MerryH. She wants out but doesn't have the guts or maturity to tell you what she's really feeling so she's picked out something to fight about. If it wasn't this, it was going to be something else.

[Bluesidhe]

I kind of agree that she's using this as an "out" to remove herself from the relationship.

Still, what you did was stupid. If I caught my man chatting at another girl he would be in deep shit. If he did it repeatedly it would be over. Don't do that in your next relationship unless you like drama.

[lahnnabell]

OP, please don't think that every woman will go psycho over you chatting with another girl. Anyone who goes psycho over that is insecure. That's what it all stems from. A woman without an insecurity issue would simply be able to see it as her boyfriend acting like nothing more than a caveman and laugh it off. She'd understand that it isn't a reflection of his feelings for her. My ex would chat with random people all the time, and it wasn't my job or my place to regulate his internet time. Note: spending time cybering is a whole other issue.

In conjunction with the sexy pictures, yeah, it looks a lot worse for you, but just know and understand that sometimes you don't have to bare your soul to your SO. If you know you made a mistake and you learned from it, then learn to let it go. As you can see, a lot women/girls will cling to it to create drama. Some girls just love drama, and seeing how your ex was super bored, this behavior fits. Plus, she's young and a bit immature from what it seems.

You are 27, she is 21... I think you need a woman who is a bit more mature and looking for the same things that you are. You and your ex had similar plans 3 YEARS AGO, but things have changed. You must accept this and you will be able to move on.

[LoneWolfie]

It sounds almost as if you were testing your ex-gf to see how she would react to you chatting with other girls. Testing someone you are dating is not a good thing. Ever.

And while she may be overreacting, the fact is that you started to talking to someone and brought it to a different level by agreeing to look at additional pictures of her. Be honest with yourself here. Whether you were hoping to score some on the side or not, you were hoping to see some hot pictures of this girl. And then you got guilty. And wanted to ease your mind. It was all about you here. You didn't think about your girlfriend's feelings until she started to get mad.

It definitely sounds like she is not ready for anything again with you anytime soon. So I would do my best to learn from the experience and move on.

Good luck.

I was certainly not testing her. I have been on the recieving end of testing by women too often to want her to go through that. And i wasnt hoping to score some on the side, or hoping to see hot pictures.... and i thought of her the moment i noticed the pictures were inappropriate, hench me going to her because i knew i would sooner or later tell her about it, so might aswell get it over with. And that is me being honest with myself.

I sent her a small apoligee for the argument and i am getting away from stuff the coming days.

[HeartIsAching]

Ok first off, there are a few lessons you need to learn from this:

1. There is nothing wrong with having a female friend you chat with online, unless the relationship is inappropriate. If your GF has male friends she chats with and she's reasonable, she knows this.

2. When a girl asks you if you want to see pictures of her in her underwear, she's into you. Period. Already alarm bells should've been ringing in your head. Unless you're very naive, you knew this and went with it anyhow.

3. If something happens that was unintentionally inappropriate, like this incident you ask yourself what you hope that telling your GF will accomplish. If the answer is "nothing", then you DON'T DO IT. You didn't want to repeat the incident, so you're not hiding an illicit relationship. You had to know you weren't going to make your GF feel good, you weren't going to make yourself feel better about it, you weren't planning on repeating it... so you should've just told the other girl that you were uncomfortable with what had happened, cut communications, and kept your mouth shut to your GF.

Personally I wonder if you wanted to create drama, to see how your GF reacted, or possibly create a bit of jealousy. It sounds to me as if you were doing some game-playing (something I loathe regardless of the gender) and got a more extreme reaction than you expected. That sucks, but it's time to move on and learn from the lessons.

[LoneWolfie]

Ok first off, there are a few lessons you need to learn from this:

1. There is nothing wrong with having a female friend you chat with online, unless the relationship is inappropriate. If your GF has male friends she chats with and she's reasonable, she knows this.

2. When a girl asks you if you want to see pictures of her in her underwear, she's into you. Period. Already alarm bells should've been ringing in your head. Unless you're very naive, you knew this and went with it anyhow.

3. If something happens that was unintentionally inappropriate, like this incident you ask yourself what you hope that telling your GF will accomplish. If the answer is "nothing", then you DON'T DO IT. You didn't want to repeat the incident, so you're not hiding an illicit relationship. You had to know you weren't going to make your GF feel good, you weren't going to make yourself feel better about it, you weren't planning on repeating it... so you should've just told the other girl that you were uncomfortable with what had happened, cut communications, and kept your mouth shut to your GF.

Personally I wonder if you wanted to create drama, to see how your GF reacted, or possibly create a bit of jealousy. It sounds to me as if you were doing some game-playing (something I loathe regardless of the gender) and got a more extreme reaction than you expected. That sucks, but it's time to move on and learn from the lessons.

My relationship had already been strained the past weeks, and i HATE playing games. And playing a 'jealousy game' in that situation would have been a REALLY stupid move. I actually wanted LESS drama so our relationship could grow more stable. Since my GF spends lots of time with male friends, i sometimes get a little insecure about the sheer amount of male attention she gets. A few months ago i talked about finding some more female friends again, become more social and to help me see it from her viewpoint and make myself think "hey, her spending time with guy X or Y is the same thing as me spending time with girl Q or Z. It's harmless and we got nothing to worry about."

Also, my girlfriend knew i made a new friend, and i know she tends to want to know everything that's going on incase these girls might try to 'steal' me. Often she wants to meet said girl for a small chat. What if the girl said she sent pics then? What if i broke contact and my GF asks why? Then id be tempted to lie to her...which is even worse!

No, i felt i did something inappropriate and i know i can be naive. So i felt the best decision was to just tell my GF, prevent any attempt to cover it up and just confess i did something really stupid. Dispite being nailed to a cross on these and other forums for this matter, i believe i did the right thing in how i handled my mistake. Even if it means ill never be with my ex-GF again.

The girl specifically asked if i wanted to see more of the photoshoot series she did a while back. Of which one decent pic that only showed her from the upper chest upwards was used on MSN, and she was referring to this picture when she mentioned the photoshoot and it looked more like a summer dress than a bra. She did indeed mention the word underwear but it was late at night, i was juggling 6 MSN conversations and a videogame, she mentioned her mom also liked the pics and didnt pay much attention. There was maybe 10 seconds between her asking it, me saying "sure why not" and the first pictures being onscreen. 5 seconds later i told the girl i felt i was doing something inappropriate.
That said, you are right, alarm bells should have been ringing. Also, she has sent these pictures to her online profile site, and dozens of her friends. Her facebook profile picture was changed into the one where she was wearing 1970's style sunglasses and bra, for everyone to see.

[LoneWolfie]

Interestingly, she asked me to keep chatting with her, and stay friendly with her. It's very tempting to give her what she wants/needs the most atm in an attempt to show respect.

Though my prime interest is to convince her to get back in a relationship with me. I keep being unable to really decide if i should go no/minimal contact or act normally.

[DodgerDog]

Facebook...IT'S CAUSING SO MANY BREAK-UPS! My 2¢.