GF and Her Ex

[adonis_boy]

I had a lovely relationship with my girlfriend until I learnt that she has been hanging out with her ex constantly without letting me know.

She is now abroad to visit her parents. Two days ago, I learn that her ex picked her up at the airport, they went to a concert together and also she visited his place to watch movies and drink tea. He also called her every day when she is there.

I learnt all these when I started wondering who her "friends" were and then she decided to tell me that one of them is her ex she dated last summer and then they had to break up online due to long distance. But they kept talking online before and after she started dating me 5 months ago and we have been official 4 months ago.

When I asked her why she hasn't told me, she said they are just friends so why should it matter? I told her I'm very upset and uncomfortable about this and I can't have a relationship with a girl who doesn't focus all her attention to her new partner and does not respect his feelings. I also told her that it is very inconsiderate of her to leave me in a situation where I will worry if she is going out with her ex every time she goes away to see her parents.

After insisting a lot that he is just a friend and she can't let him go and a fierce argument, she realizes that she hurt me and tells the ex she wants to cease contact with him because it is affecting me and our relationship. The ex tells her that he won't bother us anymore. (That's what she told me.)

After all these, she is constanlty calling me, apologizing, reassuring that everything is allright and saying she is only mine. Even though I want to trust her completely again, my mind is constantly telling me that I can't trust her and she still has feelings for her ex. She still has him on her Facebook and she hasn't cut all her contact with him so I'm in a paranoia that they will still be in touch and I won't hear about it at all.

This is really affecting my emotional and mental health and I'm not sure how our relationship could go back to normal unless she gets him totally out of her life. It is very obvious that the guy still has some feelings for her and will keep trying unless she sees that she is giving him hope by not cutting contacts with him.

What is the best action I could take here? I'm not a fan of telling her to do things but I don't see any other solutions.

[lahnnabell]

You should get it over with and break up with her. It's only going to torture you until she gets home. I can almost guarantee you that she hasn't ceased contact, otherwise she wouldn't have had an issue kicking him off her FB.

[DarkHelmet82]

My ex is till friends with all her exes... I didnt think it was a big deal.. YOu need to decide if you can trust her. I think shes wrong but sometimes theres nothing you can do about it.

[confusius]

I can totally relate to your situation. I just came out of a same relationship. Though I would say that you are lucky enough to only have one ex to deal with. And maybe you don't even also have mothers, fathers, and sisters of exes to deal with either. Going paranoid and losing your person in this type of relationship is common. I got to the point that I had mixed interpretations about my ex; I would trust her but I wouldn't trust her exes.

Now, the truth is she knows that the other guy still wants to be with her. She still likes him very much because otherwise it wouldn't be a problem to kick him out of her life. The ex is going to keep pocking around until either he gets tired of it or gets her back. Your situation is one of the most uncomfortable situation anyone can be in. Some people can handle it, and some can't. You see, DarkHelmet has no problem with it, but obviously people like you and I, need to put more work into accepting this. It's your choice. Do you want to suck it up and give it a shot. Or run away. Based on my experience, you are in a very bad situation because every time you guys are going to have some issue, she would find herself thinking about her ex and maybe think about getting back with him.

I don't know about you, but I don't think her letting you know all the time when she is hanging out with ex is fun. My ex would tell me however I wish she never did. How would you handle it if she tells you that she spent sometime with her ex and his family or something along that line. Although you want to you, trust me don't do it. The thing too is do not get to attached to her because if you do so right now, you might be setting yourself for a heartbreak. Take it easy and DO NOT have high expectation until you are sure there is nothing going on between the two, or she stopped contacting him.

My ex broke up with me because we were always going to argue about her and her f*cking exes. After the break up she told me that I was right about not trusting her exes as they were still hitting on her. Those kind of girls/women like attention; and too much attention can go wrong. Save yourself some headache and just enjoy the ride because if you keep complaining you will go insane, paranoid.

[Andariel]

Your situation is one of the most uncomfortable situation anyone can be in.

Those kind of girls/women like attention; and too much attention can go wrong. Save yourself some headache and just enjoy the ride because if you keep complaining you will go insane, paranoid.

Run like there's no tomorrow,mate!

It's all about the attention for her. She obviously likes to have it all: a loving boyfriend and an ex who constantly validates her ego. As for you, give it some more time and you'll end up being completely paranoid (checking her phone all the time, wondering whether she's with him/ has called him etc). It will only get worse. You obviously don't feel happy or comfortable with what she is up to with her ex. Plus you have made it clear to her that you do not like her to be in touch with her ex because it makes you feel upset and uncomfortable. I know it is tough to hear, but if she loved you/ respected you enough she would have taken your feelings into consideration and either stopped all contact with him or at least definitely minimized contact to ummm...say a casual email every six months or so just to see what he's been up to (that would have been genuine interest for his well-being and nothing more. Regular-let alone daily-contact is not). Now I know it is really hard to give her an ultimatum (ex. this is how I feel about this. Can you stop? 'Yes'-that's great. 'No', I respect how you feel but I cannot be into this kind of relationship and I therefore am walking away). Believe me, it may hurt now but I can assure it is going to hurt a lot more in the long run, take it from someone who has been through that shit and my one regret is that I didn't dump my ex the minute he completely disregarded my wishes with regard to a very similar situtation (ending up wasting so much of my time with him, only to find out that what started as an innocent friendship with his ex, ended up being a full blown phone/cyber sex thing between him and her. Ican't even describe to you how much pain he put me through but ever since I left him I can assure you, I haven't looked back for a split second even though we had been together for a long time. There's only so mch crap a person can take and in all honesty, why should you put yourself through all that?There are plenty of girls out there who are ready for a committed relationship and the sooner you let go of this one, you can meet a girl who can actually give you what you want.Don't waste your time with people who are immature and lack empathy towards others)

So my advice is this, make it very clear to her that her behaviour is making you very uncomfortable and you want her to stop.!If she loves you enough, she will respect your wishes.If she doesn't, let go, mate.She ain't worth it.You will only end up being hurt and betrayed. You have to respect and love yourself first and foremost. . Good luck and keep strong.