Is this a bad mindset to have...?

[Indestructible]

Much like I do every time I post something dating or relationship-related on here, let me start off by saying I've never been in a relationship with a girl, and never even really been on a date (or even in a flirtatious conversation). Honestly, I have very few (if any) attractive qualities, so it's no surprise to me that girls tend to not be very interested in me.

But that's not what this topic is about. See, something that's bugged me for a while is that I have trouble finding girls that I'm interested in. My mind doesn't seem to work like the typical male. I don't see a pretty girl and want to get her number, or whatever. To tell you the truth, I don't think I could ever just approach a girl I don't know at all (or at least very well) and ask her out. Not because I'd be nervous or afraid of rejection, but simply because I feel I need to know a person a bit better in order to decide if I want to date them.

My ideal "romantic partner" would be a girl that I could basically be "best friends" with, except with the obvious more intimate nature a romantic relationship comes with. The thing is, for me, it's very rare to find anyone that I'd classify as a "best friend" (female or male). I don't dislike people (well, not very often, of course), but I don't really have any "close" friends. There are plenty of people in my life that I'd loosely classify as "friends", but there isn't enough connection there with any of them that I'd put them in the "best friend" category. Honestly, thinking back, I don't think I've ever really known anyone that I'd consider a "best friend". There have been people that have come closer to it than others, but still.

So, I'm wondering, is this an unhealthy mindset to have, in looking for a "romantic" partner? Is it really so much more difficult and so much more unlikely to get to know someone BEFORE you decide if you want to date them? Like I said, the whole "cold approach" thing just doesn't appeal to me at all. But it seems like some people make it out like the idea of getting to know each other first is a more unlikely scenario.

And in that case, what about the "friendzone" trap? That's one of the biggest pitfalls I can think of, with my "strategy", but on some level, I kind of wonder if it's just sort of a "myth". How much truth is there really to the "friendzone" concept, and how does one avoid falling into that "trap"?

[smackie9]

That is what dating is all about...you go out on dates to get to know them then....if you dont like then you tell them there will be no more dates, you have no interest in pursuing the relationship any further. That my dear is how it works.....just because you go out on some dates doesnt mean you are in a committed relationship. You see a girl that has potential you ask her out and see if you like her more. This will keep you out of the friends zone.

[Indestructible]

Yeah, I've seen people say that about dating, on forums like this before, but I dunno, I just like the idea of being a bit more comfortable with someone before you decide if you want to do anything more with them. Yanno?

Part of it is, the whole "cold approach" and dating people to get to know them better stuff, that all kind of relies on being able to make a good first impression. And I'm horrible at making good first impressions. It can take me days, weeks, or even months, to loosen up and open up more, and you don't really get that kind of time when you ask out someone you don't know very well.

Secondly, and this may sound a bit silly, but I don't think I could handle being in a position where I'd have to do the rejecting. Let's say I ask a girl out, and she's okay, but I'm not really feeling "it", but she is. I think I'd probably have a lot of trouble conveying that to her, because I've been on the other side of it so many times, that I don't want to be the one doing the rejecting. So, in my mind, I kind of HAVE to be super selective about who I'd date, because unless she rejects me, chances are, I'd end up spending the rest of my life with her, whether I'm really into her or not.

[smackie9]

You have to get over it.....dating isn't that hard, you have to try it before you pass judgement. Some just date to have fun, meet people, make friends or just to get out of the house... ya know its not always about a serious committed relationship. You are so totally up tight for sure. Relax, you take everything so seriously....if you want say no to another date, most don't call or just text. Try a dating site and put on there you are looking for casual dating, maybe serious. You have to get over this anxiety........dating isn't difficult unless you make it difficult.

[surfhb]

Yeah....you need to change the way you think because your priorities are completely out of whack on how human interpersonal relationship work.

[celestina]

How old are you?

[Jarndyce]

Yeah....you need to change the way you think because your priorities are completely out of whack on how human interpersonal relationship work.

In my opinion, no.
It isn't that you're just plain wrong, it just suggests to me that you're more developed in your ideas about 'interpersonal relationships' than your peers are, however young or old they may be. Some would say your thoughts are older than your years.

That doesn't make it any easier I'm sure, but just because others act differently to you doesn't mean you're out of whack, simply that you're different. I think you ought to persist, you clearly have above par self-analytical abilities in life, so you're unlikely to throw yourself down a deep pit in life.

[lahnnabell]

I think you should practice socializing my making more friends first. Learn how to talk to people, guys and girls. Take inventory of your interests and start developing some hobbies around them. Do you like reading? Join some sort of book club. They have them for comics, graphic novels, romance, science fiction... Whatever. Gaming, baseball, surfing, anything.

Dating is a social activity. So if you're not very social as it is, you gotta start with the basics.

[HeartIsAching]

You're looking at it backwards. You go on dates to get to know them better. If you like what you get to know, you go on more dates. If you don't, you stop dating them.

You are looking to jump through the stages like they're a logical progression from one to another, human relations don't work that way. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. If you don't, you move on.

[surfhb]

In my opinion, no.
It isn't that you're just plain wrong, it just suggests to me that you're more developed in your ideas about 'interpersonal relationships' than your peers are, however young or old they may be. Some would say your thoughts are older than your years.

That doesn't make it any easier I'm sure, but just because others act differently to you doesn't mean you're out of whack, simply that you're different. I think you ought to persist, you clearly have above par self-analytical abilities in life, so you're unlikely to throw yourself down a deep pit in life.

I've never been in a relationship with a girl, and never even really been on a date (or even in a flirtatious conversation)

To tell you the truth, I don't think I could ever just approach a girl I don't know at all (or at least very well) and ask her out.

I don't really have any "close" friends

Im sorry....say again? By "out of whack" I mean unhealthy

[Indestructible]

How old are you?

22, almost 23. Why?

You're looking at it backwards. You go on dates to get to know them better. If you like what you get to know, you go on more dates. If you don't, you stop dating them.

You are looking to jump through the stages like they're a logical progression from one to another, human relations don't work that way. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. If you don't, you move on.

Eh, I dunno, though, I'm just not very attracted to the idea of approaching and asking out someone I barely know. I'm not saying I'm not open to the possibility of meeting people in different ways; if I could meet a girl and instantly hit it off, great. But that's just not something that happens with me. Like I said, it can take me days, weeks, or months before I loosen up to someone new, to the point where they decide if they want to continue spending time with me. I'd rather spend enough time around a girl that she gets a more accurate idea of what I'm like (and in turn, I'd have enough time to figure out if I was interested in her).

Im sorry....say again? By "out of whack" I mean unhealthy

*shrug* I really don't deny that I'm probably VERY unhealthy in a social sense. I have so many issues, that I don't know if I'll ever really be "normal", socially. I've been struggling with them and trying to work them out for most of my life, and I still don't feel like I've made much progress. Who knows how long it could take? I know girls probably would never even consider dating a guy with the issues I have, but like I said, who knows how long it could take me to ditch these problems? I don't want to still be single and alone going into my 50s and 60s. @_@

[devonbrown]

lahnnabell is right on with her comment:

I think you should practice socializing my making more friends first. Learn how to talk to people, guys and girls. Take inventory of your interests and start developing some hobbies around them. Do you like reading? Join some sort of book club. They have them for comics, graphic novels, romance, science fiction... Whatever. Gaming, baseball, surfing, anything.

Dating is a social activity. So if you're not very social as it is, you gotta start with the basics.

Stop even worrying about dating right now. Just go do things. Get involved with groups, hobbies, outings, events. You will wind up meeting people through these things (both men and women) who share a common interest as you. That could, and will, be the seed for conversations, getting to know one another, etc. It will also allow you to open up more, as you say, to the possibility of going out with someone.

In effect, online dating is the same concept. Everyone on the online dating site already has a common interest - getting a date.

If you think your social skills are that unhealthy, I would suggest seeing a counselor of some kind. You need to figure out a way to work past these issues of self-doubt you have. Confidence is the most important factor in being in any sort of relationship.

Concentrate on you first and the rest will follow.

[smackie9]

You dont want to be single a 50- 60? Then you need to get out there like the others say and start practising, and learn to socialize....there is no way around it.

[HeartIsAching]

Eh, I dunno, though, I'm just not very attracted to the idea of approaching and asking out someone I barely know.

Nobody is. That's the hard thing you're supposed to learn how to do when you're a teenager. Nobody particularly likes putting it all out there and possibly getting rejected. You should learn to do it anyhow.