Is he a jerk? Should I leave him...

[mydogspot]

So for a few weeks now my bf of 2.5 yrs and I have not been seeing eye to eye on a few things and have been arguing alot. Last night we were arguing and he said " I dont want you to turn into a whale " I said what are you talking about.. I just lost 20 pounds and weigh the same as the day we met.. he says " Well I just dont want you to get all fat and lazy" and I think thats what I have been concerned about lately and its been on my mind....

So after he said this it has got me to thinking... A: I weighed myself this morning and I technically weigh 7 pounds more B: Something is just not sitting right with me about this... sounds like a lame excuse to get into a fight or to excuse your shitty behavior... C: hes a mid 30's balding fellow with a stammer and he should be happy to have such a babe like me...7 extra pounds or not.

What the hell is going on here....I am just so sideswipped I dont even know what to do or say...

[gigigi]

i'm sorry, that's a really crappy thing for him to have said to you...i'm a little confused- did this comment just come out of nowhere or were you guys specifically arguing about your weight? it's definitely not ok for him to bring up a sensitive issue like weight in the middle of an argument just to hurt you, or to bring up your weight in an insensitive manner.
also, it kind of sounds like you're not attracted to him at all from the way you described him...do you still want to be with him?

[robertdawson]

The way he is talking to you about your weight seems like a dickhead thing to do, if they are what he said verbatim. If he told you in a reasonable way that he wants you to take good care of yourself then I wouldn't think it would be too bad. Is he really that upset about 7 pounds, like you think he is? 7 lbs. isn't nothing to worry about (especially in a very short period of time) but it isn't that much weight. If he is pitching a fit about 7 lbs. that is a little much. If your habits have changed (quit exercising, started eating tons of junk, etc.) then I can see how he may be irritated and want you to take better care of yourself.

Really though it is up to you to decide if he is being ridiculous. If you personally think he is consistently a dickhead then leave.

[misombra]

That's a pretty shitty thing to say. Definitely an asshole. Do you have kids with him? If not get rid of him.

[lahnnabell]

I agree. And he's not going to change. He's most likely projecting his own personal insecurities on to you and that's something he needs to deal with on his own. You can't fix him, nor should you feel the need to. You're not his scapegoat, you're his girlfriend and he should take more care. Forget this loser.

[HeartIsAching]

Run. He's controlling and emotionally abusive. Probably looking to dent your self-esteem to make you feel like you need him. You don't.

[Wakeup]

I don't think what he's asked of you is so bad, afterall we all want our partners to be healthy and attractive to us so I'm thinking if you lost 20 lbs, then it's a good thing. Now, if you've gained 7 of those 20 back, then perhaps he's seeing a trend here and he's just trying to nip it in the bud before it gets by you and next thing you know that 20 is 50 over your norm.

Now, if he voiced his concern in a controlling or vicious way such as lose that weight before you look like a cow, well then that would be him being a total dick.

What exactly did you say to him when he requested that you don't let yourself get way over your normal weight?

[vashti]

On the one hand, your boyfriend may simply have a very narrow view of what is attractive, and you can't change that, and probably he can't, either.

On the other hand, I would not want to live my life having to be so neurotic about my body in order to satisfy a man who sounds so difficult to please. Your body WILL change over time, and nothing you can do will stop it. Is he going to be hyper-critical about everything?

Another thought: his complaining about your weight probably isn't about the 7 pounds, but rather the 20 you already took off. He just didn't express his anxiety when it was peaking.

[IndiReloaded]

He has health concerns about your weight? Maybe, but describing the issue as "turning into a whale" is not a caring way of raising the issue.

I call jerk. Sorry. Tell him this and if he doesn't immediately apologize and still argues w/you, I suggest moving on.

[devonbrown]

I agree that if he is concerned about your health, how he said it is not good.
He might also be using weight gain as a metaphor, like telling you that he is worried you will get complacent in a relationship with him and take him for granted. However, again, if that is what he meant, how he said it is not good.

Personally, it sounds like he is trying to work on your self-esteem so you won't leave him. That is controlling and manipulative and abusive and you don't deserve it.

I would suggest smacking him in the head and asking him to rephrase what he said in a more clear way. If he continues on this, just drop him and find someone who respects you.

Good luck.