Texts from ex

[spudsbuckley1]

So this takes a little background... My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. Things could not be better in our relationship - we have so much in common, spend every day together, and have a fantastic sex life. She tells me all the time how much she loves me, we were meant for each other, she's never been so happy, all that. We live together and have talked about getting married in the near future. Before she met me, she was in a 4-year relationship with this dude Jim. At the beginning of her and Jim's relationship, before they were exclusive, she went to Europe and hooked up with this guy Mike who she'd met through an adopt-a-soldier program. They had been talking for a couple of years, she sent him care packages, all the rest. Jim was understandably upset with her about it, and told her to stop communicating with Mike, which she did. After she and Jim broke up, and before she met me, she started texting back and forth with Mike again, and it's continued to this day.

Now to our situation. A couple weeks ago, she asked me to go through her phone and figure out a way to save all our text messages to each other since we met as a reminder of how our relationship has grown over the last year. Of course, I came across her texts back and forth with Mike too. I'd seen his name pop up on her phone a bunch in the last year but never really thought much of it. Basically, this guy Mike texts her like 10x a week, usually late at night, sending her pictures of what he's doing, telling her about the girls he's chasing, asking her to come out to Nevada and "play" with him, telling her to remember all the things he used to do to her in bed, etc. My girlfriend usually sends short responses, though sometimes she gets into longer chats with him. She only mentioned me a couple times at the beginning of our relationship and hasn't said anything to this guy that we're living together, things are great, or anything like that. She just talks about her job and says things are ok. She also told him in January that she was coming out to Nevada for a conference in May and they should meet up for dinner/drinks when she was there, although she did say clearly that there'd be no messing around. She also kinda avoided him when he kept asking her exact plans, etc. and as far as I know she didn't see him when she was out there.

Last night, she went into the bathroom, closed the door, and had a back and forth text conversation with him for like a half hour at midnight. I knew because his response popped up on the phone at like 12:30 asking her when she was going to come out to Nevada (as usual), or when he could come to see her in New York to show her how to party.

It's basically driving me crazy at this point - all I want to do now, all the time, is go through her phone to see what she's saying to this guy. How do I confront this with her without seeming like a controlling boyfriend, especially given that she already told me how much she hated that Jim did the same thing about this same guy 4 years ago? I'm just really uncomfortable about this guy texting her all the time. I don't believe she's cheating at all, but at the same time, I'm feeing really really disrespected. What do I do?

[devonbrown]

Um, she got mad at Jim for being mad that she kept heavily flirting with a guy she had a thing with. So if she gets mad at you for the same thing, who cares? You don't need that.

She asked you to go through her phone. So you tell her you saw the messages to and from Mike and it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her that you would like her to at the very least tell him all about the two of you and ask him to stop being so forward and trying to hook up with her. Ask her to tell him that if he doesn't stop, she will have to cut contact with him. Also, if he is in NY, insist that you meet him along with her.

Basically, it sounds like she is holding onto Mike no matter what. She may see it as harmless, but it appears to be more than that. Personally, I think you have every reason to be upset about it and should raise hell about it.