Seven Year Itch?

[stargazer1984]

Here's my story i hope any one can help?We have been together 7 years

The last couple of years I (we are not married) feel like we're friends who live together and occasionally ( and rarely in my opinion) have sex. I love him, but lately I'm questioning whether or not it's the kind of love that can sustain a relationship beyond friendship. We both have the unfortunate tendency to hold things inside, but our relationship has always been good - but it's not enough for me anymore. The last time we had sex was 2 months ago. I gave up trying to initiate sometime ago, I just suspect we're growing apart. I'm not the easiest person to live with. But who is?!. I've become a hermit due to a lack of friends where we are living. I've been working on that department, not for him but for myself and find myself getting happier about my social life around here as of late.

I realize in recent times, I spend most of my time watching movies/television shows, because I just want to drown out my sad thoughts. I have a hard time keeping the house clean, because I'm frankly depressed. However, relationship issues are never just about one person in the relationship. He too spends a lot of time engaged on line with his various message forums, or reading. We seem to have run out of things to say. I miss the conversations we used to have. All I do is work and I see the glazed look in his eye when I talk about my job. I know why, because all I do usually is complain but I feel compelled to keep talking or I fear we will just give up speaking to each other as well.

He's truly a good, decent man. I still find him attractive both physically and by the person he is. I know he cares for me but there seems to be this distance between us. I don't know how to start a conversation with him about how I feel. Mostly, I'm scared to death of doing so. But, if I don't, I don't think he will even though I'm sure he must have at least some of the same thoughts about us as I do. I'm not looking for all that excitement a new relationship brings in the beginning (though a little would be nice!), but a renewed sense of closeness and intimacy (both emotional and physical). That's what I really want.

I have tried so many times to start this conversation, only to find no words because my throat paralyzes up. Gosh, I'm sorry, I wrote so much here, that I will stop for now. Words of wisdom, advice or support greatly appreciated. I feel so lost right now.

[tomtom8p]

I won't even pretend to have as much relationship experience as you but I'll take a shot at some advice.

I wouldn't give up just yet. You've been together 7 years and that's pretty significant. Sounds to me like it's something worth saving. Maybe you could take a trip somewhere, take a weekend and rent a cottage, or even better take a week or 2 and travel a new setting and new circumstances will give you 2 lots of new thing to talk about. Maybe go out to a nice dinner or cook a nice dinner, set up some candles and make it romantic. This is probably an issue that a lot of couples run into who have been together a long time. These are just some suggestions, there's tons of different things that you could do to try and reignite that passion you once had.

If you're not the type to talk about your emotions then try writing them down, you can either give him the letter or use it as a suggestion to get you talking.

I hope this helps and I really hope you 2 can work through this rough patch.

[HeartIsAching]

we're friends who live together and occasionally ( and rarely in my opinion) have sex.

So you're not getting enough. Understandable, given the frequency you're claiming.

We both have the unfortunate tendency to hold things inside,

Translation: Neither one of you communicates well.

but our relationship has always been good - but it's not enough for me anymore. The last time we had sex was 2 months ago. I gave up trying to initiate sometime ago, I just suspect we're growing apart.

Still on the topic of not getting enough - so it's a big problem for you. Again, understandable. Giving up on trying to initiate was a mistake. You don't fix intimacy problems be being less intimate. Your growing apart is part of this.

I'm not the easiest person to live with. But who is?!. I've become a hermit due to a lack of friends where we are living. I've been working on that department, not for him but for myself and find myself getting happier about my social life around here as of late.

Usually when somebody says "I'm not the easiest person to live with" it translates as "I'm a raving bitch." I'm not saying that's true for you, but it might be helpful to know why you say that.

I realize in recent times, I spend most of my time watching movies/television shows, because I just want to drown out my sad thoughts.

Isolating yourselves from each other doesn't help either.

I have a hard time keeping the house clean, because I'm frankly depressed. However, relationship issues are never just about one person in the relationship.

Don't engage in blaming. I'm not saying you are, but if you've got a part in this (and it seems you do) own it.

He too spends a lot of time engaged on line with his various message forums, or reading. We seem to have run out of things to say. I miss the conversations we used to have. All I do is work and I see the glazed look in his eye when I talk about my job. I know why, because all I do usually is complain but I feel compelled to keep talking or I fear we will just give up speaking to each other as well.

He's isolating himself from you, too. The message forums are a way to interact with people as well - I'm thinking you both need outside stimulation. Try suggesting something social you two can do together.

He's truly a good, decent man. I still find him attractive both physically and by the person he is. I know he cares for me but there seems to be this distance between us. I don't know how to start a conversation with him about how I feel. Mostly, I'm scared to death of doing so. But, if I don't, I don't think he will even though I'm sure he must have at least some of the same thoughts about us as I do. I'm not looking for all that excitement a new relationship brings in the beginning (though a little would be nice!), but a renewed sense of closeness and intimacy (both emotional and physical). That's what I really want.

I have tried so many times to start this conversation, only to find no words because my throat paralyzes up. Gosh, I'm sorry, I wrote so much here, that I will stop for now. Words of wisdom, advice or support greatly appreciated. I feel so lost right now.

I'm going to suggest that you begin by using [URL="http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html"]I Statements[/URL] to talk to him - and to have an honest and without-rancor discussion about your concerns. Couples counseling is probably in order.

[bluesummer]

No offense, but after seven years together, hardly any sex, and no real feeling of connection left.....why are you together?

I know what you're going to say....I love him, we've been together so long, etc etc. You can love someone and have a history with them and no future though. A lot of people don't realize when it's time to cut ties, or are just unwilling to due to the perceived investment of time into the relationship. This is a fallacy. I'm not saying you should have some glamourous romance after seven years, but every couple I know that is in a truly fulfilling relationship after seven or more years are still great friends that have a healthy amount of sex and make time for their partner. This just doesn't sound healthy anymore.