Awkward Intimacy

[kdubbs69]

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been dating for 10 months. We were friends for a couple of months before dating. Now we live together and have two dogs. However, I am beginning to wonder if we have an intimacy issue.

Because everyone's level and style of intimacy is different it is hard for me to generalize my level of intimacy and his, but I will try. I am pretty physical. I like to hold hands occasionally, cuddle on the couch or in bed, and random pop kisses. However, I am not big into public displays of affection. This is what I call my normal level of physical intimacy. When it comes to sexual intimacy I am a little more intense. I will say no to sex, well hardly ever. I really love sex, and I am pretty open to anything.

It is also hard to be objective, but I am going to try to relay the facts of my boyfriend's level of intimacy. He, and I am trying not to exaggerate, hardly ever initiates physical contact. All of those displays of physical intimacy I described such as cuddling and random pop kisses, I can remember and count on one hand the times he has initiated them. When we kiss a little more passionately or sexually he keeps his eyes open and looks around the room. If we kiss for "too long" he laughs. Literally. We have had foreplay maybe four or five times. Most of the time we just ask each other, "Want to have sex?". Its hard for me to describe his level of intimacy because there doesn't seem to be much.

Now we love each other very much. There is no lack of love or displays of love. Whether it be a thoughtful favor or gift, an "I love you", most of that is pretty average or at least at a satisfying level for me. However, I am beginning to feel like my intimacy needs aren't being meet to their fullest. We have both been patient and discussed (maybe not extremely clearly) my concerns. He and I give honest efforts to compromise, and be better for each other. However, last night I thought we were having a really intimate moment, we had just said we wanted to be together long term and we started to kiss. It had been maybe 30 seconds, and he just started laughing. This really hurt and confused me.

If any one has any thoughts or recommendations please throw them my way. Maybe it's me, maybe its both of us, either way please just give me your thoughts.

[thundersw]

Maybe your boyfriend is not so active or proactive as you.
You could lower your expectations to match is mood or intice him or you could just tell him directly you expect much more from him, I believe talking can solve it.
Also veeeeeeryyyyyy long kisses aren't that amusing, I personally find them boring.

[Ric]

Sounds like you guys aren't on the same level. You either need to work towards fixing this. (Lowering expectations on your side and talking to him about becoming more intimate with you.)
But, this is a lot of hard work and likely won't fix things. It's hard to change someone like that.
So, then the second option of breaking up with him as you're not as great a match as you might have hoped.

Did you ask him why he laughed? Sounds a bit insensitive, but might just be nervous laughter, or perhaps he is laughing because he thinks your longing for him is cute.

[kdubbs69]

I think your right about everything you said. I am of course going to try to work it out first, but at the same time it might be a little unfair to request that he change so much. When I asked why he laughed he said no reason.

I confronted the issue with him last night and he said he needed to think about it before we really discussed. I guess I will see how that goes. Thanks for the perspective.

[HeartIsAching]

There's absolutely nothing you can do about this.

I'm a guy that likes to hold hands in public, quick peck-kisses all the time, hugs, etc... and have had significant others that didn't like that sort of thing at all - I know it's frustrating, but there's literally nothing you can do to "change" the other person. If you get mad or try to force the issue you'll make it less likely, not more.

Either live with it, or break up with him... those are basically your only two choices.