unusual flirting

[unusualguy]

I'm a slightly unusual person. I've had a lot of experiences in my life. I've worked in a few gay bars, and been hospitalised a few times for mental illness, and this year graduated from an undergraduate degree in literature. I have an unusual appearance which definitely attracts attention but not in a mainstream way (I don't tick all the boxes - just some of them). I'm gay and in my late 20's and although I have a lot of drive and ambition in my life, at this point I probably appear to be a bit of a loser from the outside, as I work in a bookstore and live at home. I'm proud of who I am and the things I've achieved but I don't expect anyone else to be. I'm a pretty introverted and quiet person and mainly keep to myself.

Over a period of about four months this year I was the target of some fairly intense flirting from a customer in my store. This particular customer seemed to always be around in the store, all the time. He was tall, muscly, handsome, and dreamy looking. When I first noticed that he was always there I felt annoyed by it, but afterwards I realised I liked to see him there. He wouldn't pay any attention to me, he would just browse the books, but there was a nice feeling about him. After a while he seemed to be always in the area I was working, almost as though he was following me around. He was there regularly on the days I worked and usually would be there at the time I arrived at work.

One day he wasn't there when I arrived at work as I had come to expect him to be and I was disappointed but then I found a long pink rose in one of the areas where I often work and also a long synthetic poppy smelling strongly of perfume in one of the areas where he often would stand. He came back ten days later and I felt happy. He was standing behind a fixture and I looked away, and when I looked back he was standing there staring at me. I broke into a grin and looked away and he left the store.

He came back the next week and there were two more unusual items in the same area where the pink rose had been. One was a rusty blade that had been snapped off a pen knife apparently an age ago, blunt and couldn't hurt anyone. The other was a stainless steel swizzle stick in the shape of a long flower, with scratches on the handle and of no actual monetary value but strikingly beautiful.

After this I felt overwhelmed. In following weeks I found a few other smaller things in the store that seemed to also be similar tokens as these. I didn't expect to be shown this level of attention by anyone in my life. It seemed very romantic to me. I wasn't afraid of being stalked by him as he never appeared anywhere else in my life but in my workplace. I was fairly preoccupied with these matters. He would come to my work and always be near where I was working, never looking at me, but following me around. I had this extreme feeling when he was around like I was this very special person. One day I looked at him and he looked up and stared at me and then literally chased me across the shop floor and then disappeared.

After that I decided to talk to him. I had to really work up the courage to do it. I went up to him and said "Hi, how are you?" He said "I'm well thanks and you?" I said "I'm good. I noticed you like our non-fiction sections". He said "Pardon", and I had to repeat this three times, because I was talking too fast the first two times. After I said it the third time he said "Yeah," as though the store was awesome. I said "Let me know if I can help you with anything". he said "Thanks". He stayed for 20 minutes more looking at books and then left. He didn't come back. After three weeks I went on annual leave. I'm still on annual leave.

I don't really understand why this happened. I don't expect to understand why these things happened, but I wondered if anyone on this site might have behaved to someone in the way he behaved to me, and whether they might be able to tell me what was going through their mind when they were doing it. I don't expect him to come back again, I'm just very curious as to why he made all that effort to get my attention and make me feel special about myself, it seems like a very strange way to act.

Thanks

[devonbrown]

How do you know he was the person leaving you these weird items? And how do you know he was leaving them for you specifically? Maybe they were meant for someone else who works there.

Best case scenario, he likes the looks of you but is so introverted and socially inept that you two would never be able to make it work. Worst case scenario ... well, let's not go there.

Just try to stay in reality with this one. Don't take anything EXCEPT actual conversations as the truth about what is going on. Everything else is open to too much interpretation in your mind.

Good luck.

[unusualguy]

I explained things here a little more concisely than they actually happened. Although I did not previously believe anyone could ever give me romantic attention like this, I had months to question myself and think about whether I was imagining everything, and decided that I wasn't. There was a progressive pattern of development of interactions that included the items. The interactions became intense, with deliberate and sustained eye contact and actual physical pursuit that continued after I had very visibly displayed positive responses to what I thought was happening. I don't think things would have continued in that way if I had been wrong. If I had just imagined some hunk was interested in me, as soon as I started grinning at him and exchanging long glances with him, he would have run far away before I reached the point of working up the courage to speak to him. It was him who kept coming back to my workplace, not me who was following him around the city.

I don't know how to convince anyone that I am of sound mind and not living in a fantasy world except to say that I don't see any possibility of a relationship developing from what has happened. I did not ask for these attentions to be given to me and I don't need any fantastical event to supplement my lonely existence.

Assuming I didn't just imagine everything and my conclusions are sound, I was just interested in what a person would think who did these things. Are there actually people out there who make this much effort playing games with the emotions of others just for their own personal amusement? What kind of emotional gratification might someone get out of playing games like this - is it an insecure person who needs to be reassured that they can attract attention? Are there people who go around trying to cheer up other people who they think might be unhappy, without ever intending any real relationship to eventuate? I'm just curious about generating possible motivations for someone who might do these things, assuming that my story is good and correct.

[devonbrown]

That is my problem with it though. I can't imagine anyone doing all these things and then not trying to initiate any conversation, etc. And when you started initiating conversation, it should have opened up into something a little more than it did.

I think it would be best to stop thinking about the whole circumstance. Use Occum's Razor. What is more likely. That someone elaborately left things for you to find at your workplace and never once initiated any contact with you. Or that this guy likes to read and/or shop at bookstores and since you work there and he has seen you work there he feels some sort of comradery with you, which is why he might smile or be pleasant?

You said you have had months to think about and wonder about this. And personally, I think that is the issue. Stop thinking and wondering about it. Think of it this way, if this guy did all these things to show interest in you and he STILL has not said anything to you, is he someone you would be interested in anyway? That type of extreme and severe introversion just doesn't work well in relationships. Or in life sometimes.

[unusualguy]

Dear Devonbrown, Thank you for the effort you have made in writing to me but I have thought about those things and I did not come here for the kind of advice you have written. I have experienced genuine significant and longterm romantic relationships in my life and I know what kind of relationship is appropriate for me. I don't need relationship advice or the kind of advice that tells me what is useful for me to spend my time thinking about. I am a grown up adult with a lot of life experience and I can make decisions about those things for myself. This seems to have become about an issue that I don't need help with.

I'm not sure that you actually read what I wrote. He didn't smile and act pleasant to me. He alternately browsed books in areas that I was working, and at other times stared deeply into my eyes and physically pursued me across the shop floor. I have a clear idea of the series of events that took place and I'm not interested in questioning my own accurate perceptions of reality. I really don't want to talk about that any further.

I really appreciate that you are trying to help me with my problem but the kind of help that you are offering is not the kind of help that I came here looking for. I agree that what happened is bizarre which is why I have become so curious about what could have motivated these behaviours. For the purposes of my enquiry I would really like to focus on the idea that I did not imagine what happened, that what happened actually happened. I just want to play devil's advocate about this, I don't want to explore my reliability as a narrator. Just assuming that I did not imagine what happened, I just came here wanting to know if anyone on a forum like this had ever pursued anyone in this way, or had an experience like this, and might have any insights into it.

[vampiress]

tell us more about him.. like .. is he about your age? older? younger? what does he look like?exactly?
what do you know about him? do you know his name? what he does for a living? I mean how deep is your knowledge of him?
and don't worry... who ever did this to you won't go anywhere..

[MaidenMinx]

The guy sounds a bit touched in the head. Some of the gifts you described would have sent my heart soaring, others would have had me running for the hills.

I have never heard of such a scenario before.

Do you seem particularly down or depressed? It may have been a way to try and cheer you up.
Maybe he is not sure of his own sexual orientation, or is very much in the closet and wanted you to know he was attracted to you but was scared of actually doing anything about it.

Maybe he is sincerely forgetful and didn't mean to leave those things lying around.

Enjoy the nice gifts, ditch the weird ones and spend not a moment more trying to figure it out. Accept that you experienced something different and enjoy the memory.

[vampiress]

Maybe he is not sure of his own sexual orientation, or is very much in the closet and wanted you to know he was attracted to you but was scared of actually doing anything about it.

this is it. thank you for saying it out loud when i couldn't. but that doesn't give him the right to LURE a human being like that

[devonbrown]

unusualguy -

I apologize that what I was saying was no of any assistance. And I wasn't trying to insult you or question what happened. I wasn't there and can't know. I just wanted to throw other possibilities out there. I'm sorry. I was honestly just trying to help.

I have no experience of knowledge of anyone acting this way to pursue someone. I wish I could be of more help.

Good luck.