Im back...the next step...

[Kaius]

Hello all... It has been a long time since i last visited this forum. A lot has happened. Let me briefly summarize before i proceed.

The first time i posted here was october 2009. I just met a woman who was in the same situation as i was.... Going through divorce....with two young children. We were friends at first, but soon became romantically involved. I was going through soke insecurities at first, but that all passed. Then last summer i lost my job, at the same time her ex stopped paying. I had to support my own kids and her family on virtually no income.
We got engaged last december, right after i got a new job. This past april i lost my job again, but i work part time to make ends meet. Last month we moved into a townhouse together, just us and her two kids. My kids are still living with their mom. My fiancee is now working for my dad as a medical assistant. Money is tight, but it's not exhausted.

Since we moved in together, we had two big fights which prompted breaking up. One was her spending all day with her friend and didnt bring her keys, so i waited at home all day so she wouldnt be locked out. She didnt answer her cell, so i had no idea when she would come back. When i sounded angry and called her "inconsiderate", she slapped me so hard my neck cracked. She later apologized and we patched things up.

Then it was last weekend when i commented on how much she was into japanese stuff. She's white and i am chinese. I dont particularly like japanese people because of my upbringing..... Smilar to how jews would not like nazi germans. She decorated our home with japanese buddhist themes, and she spends much to much time reading japanese mangas. I asked her does she do this to annoy me, knowing that i am not particularly into the japanese culture. She says thats what she likes. I told her i dont like it, and please stop offending me. A big fight insued, and she basically said it was over. I went to bed alone, and in the middle of the night she craweled into bed with me and made love to me...and apologized. I apologozed too...and figure i'll just put my cultural prejudices aside and just have her do whatever she wants. I was kinda going nuts so i was probably being irrational.

My concern is that i hate fighting. I was in a 12 years marriage where fighting was the norm. She has expressed that she feels strange living in a new house..like she is merely a visitor. I did everythng possible to make her feel at home. Everything decorative in the house is hers......the is no trace of me anywhere asides from my computer desk and home theater. Her kids love the place. I am happy that i get to be with her every day now. But i feel there is a growing gap between us. She is depressed. Im depressed. And we fight.

We postponed pur wedding till next year because we dont have enough time to plan it. Im wondering if i am making the right choice.

[maxmax]

We postponed pur wedding till next year ...

Was it going to be cat-themed?

[Rabbitt]

Communicate & comprimise, if she's into that japanese stuff then good for her. I'm Jewish and i've taken interest in Nazi Germans because i'm curious.


Because you're Chinese doesn't automatically mean you should instantly disagree with the Japanese stuff. I mean cmon Germans holocausted millions of ''my'' people and you don't see my lifting the pitchfork either are you? I encounter Germans 99% of the time in my average day and they are pretty nice people go figure...
Every culture is interesting you don't have to like but you don't have to hate it either.

She crawled up with you because she knew she overdid it, and should have thought about your stance towards it. You overreacted. ^^

[maxmax]

Communicate & comprimise, if she's into that japanese stuff then good for her. I'm Jewish and i've taken interest in Nazi Germans because i'm curious.


Because you're Chinese doesn't automatically mean you should instantly disagree with the Japanese stuff. I mean cmon Germans holocausted millions of ''my'' people and you don't see my lifting the pitchfork either are you?
Every culture is interesting you don't have to like but you don't have to hate it either.

She crawled up with you because she knew she overdid it, and should have thought about your stance towards it. You overreacted. ^^

Hitler was Austrian anyhow.

I hope you have taken a strong disliking to Apple Struddel.

[Rabbitt]

Hitler was Austrian anyhow.
I hope you have taken a strong disliking to Apple Struddel.

True, but still Germans put those people in the chambers i've even visited lots of concentration camps it's quite interesting really.

Only thing I hate is a poorly done bratwurst.

[Sonrisa]

True, but still Germans put those people in the chambers i've even visited lots of concentration camps it's quite interesting really.

Only thing I hate is a poorly done bratwurst.

i know many jews who don't buy anything german

[Rabbitt]

^ That's a shame, because VolksWagens pwn though

[maxmax]

^ That's a shame, because VolksWagens pwn though

Hitler actually commissioned the VW Beetle.

He wanted an efficient and convenient vehicle that could be used by the general public.

VolksWagen actually means 'Folks Wagon' or 'people carrier'.

Anyhow, enough about the third reich.

[Kaius]

I like Japanese products. I drive a Lexus, and I love my Playstation 3 (and most Sony stuff). I just get annoyed when she shows so much admiration towards a culture I dislike. She even says stuff in Japanese here and there, and that annoys me. I guess I'll have to accept this, as I knew this was coming when I met her. When Im annoyed, everything amplifies.....Yes I overreacted, and I'm glad we are still together. I just feel that every time we fight, a part of me just dies.

[Dank]

Dude keep with your kind not to sound rude beacuse right now its like an ape dating an hippo? Goodluck! LOL! dont take anything offensive

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It is like an ape dating a hippo, and not because of race.

Grow some balls and kick her out of your house. She's clearly just using you because you're a pushover, and she can treat you however she wants.

[vashti]

I think when you live together, you should take each other's taste into consideration when decorating. It doesn't sound like she considered you AT ALL. I hope her lack of consideration doesn't spill into other areas of your life.

Also, the hitting: dealbreaker, in my opinion. I wish you hadn't moved in with her children. This won't end well, I'm afraid.

[tobek]

I agree with vashti. I'm sure she's lovely and that you're really into her... but the way you're writing about the things that have gone wrong, it sounds like she has at least some element of nutcase in her, and you sound unhappy about it. Is it going to get better, or are you settling? Never, ever, ever, ever ignore what you are feeling.

If you're as unhappy as your posts sounds, then it seems like this isn't going to end well. It sucks that there are kids involved, but if your kids are living with your ex-wife hopefully they at least have a stable place, and frankly, your fiancee's kids are her problem, and if you guys don't work out, splitting up probably won't be so severe a blow.

Tell your fiancee that you don't want to fight, ever. I'm sure you're not perfect either and that in some cases you contribute to fights. But regardless of blame, if you two match in a way that produces fights, then it's no good. Will the frequency of fights get less? If not, get out of there. The sooner the better for everyone.

[MerryH]

My concern is that i hate fighting.

Fighting is normal. In a healthy relationship, people fight in healthy ways. What you two do is not healthy. Her slapping you is not healthy. You picking a fight over her hobbies and interior design choices and then accusing her of doing these things solely to annoy you is not healthy. You being a complete doormat and then getting angry at her for it is not healthy.

Your relationship sucks, Kaius. I'd tell you to break up with her or go to therapy or something, but I know you won't do it.



Now here's the part where you come back and defend your weeaboo wife against all the internet meanies who said bad things about her.