What do I do?!

[3Sheets2TheWind]

I know it's long, the blue is the "important" stuff i guess, but reading/skimming would be good

I've been with my girlfriend since February, I love this girl and put her before me for everything, the feeling I get everytime I see her just inflates me (if that makes sense?).

Yesterday we were suppose to hang out at night and she would sleep over. But we had an argument and she said she didnt want to sleep over but would still hang out for a bit. We keep texting and I say that we've fought before and she has still begged me to stay at her house and I have, so why not the opposite? She says she just doesnt want to and says she thinks we need time apart to see what we have. I was utterly shocked, she said she thinks her feelings changed and might not be happy.
Again I am just in pure shock. She has been stressing a lot at work and Tuesday we had a date night (went and saw a movie then over to her house for a bit) and she was kind of snappy but I dealt. Wednesday during the day she was all attitude so I nicely suggested that she have a chill night, just relax at home, read a book and listen to music. She agreed it was a good idea.

Last weekend we went to a BlueJays game, then one of her co-workers was having a BBQ/ house warming and my GF said she really wanted me to come. Sunday we had a lazy day, movies in bed all day cuddling at my house. It was amazing and she was being very cute and affectionate (kissing my cheek and neck, cuddling closer, etc.). She wanted me to sleep at her house Sunday night and I said I was too tired, she got uptight and thought I was upset about something, I assured her I wasnt.
Monday night I suggested she stay at my house Friday night and Saturday we get up and go to a farmers market (something she said a long time ago she wanted to do). She said she was going out with one of her girlfriends for a bit but could come by after. I said yea that works. Then she said they are going to a movie at 9:30, and I said to not worry about it then, she wouldnt get to my house until close to 1am. She suggested she just comes over to my house in the morning and we go to the market, I said nicely that i new she wouldnt be up until 10, and not to my house until noon so the market wouldnt work. She got upset/ bummed.

Like I said Tuesday we went and say a movie and it was great (she was tired though). Wednesday was her chill night, and at like 7pm I did ask if she wanted to come over and stay the night and she got mad/snappy saying we agreed it was her stay at home relax night, I said I know i just wanted to see her is all. She saw that's all it was and quickly was cute and said we could hang tomorrow and she would stay over.

Then yesterday happens and she says originally says we spend too much time together, then said she thinks her feelings changed and she doesnt see her spending the rest of her life with me (i was a complete wreck since she had been bugging me about moving out with her and would talk about our long term future here and there). We have spent every weekend together for the past two months (my brother's wedding, my cottage two weekends, etc) but we have always been pure happy and smiles. It was until her boss went on holidays at the middle of last week and she got piled with extra work that she started getting snappy with me and her family, she also hasnt slept well. And I know it's all from stress.
She said she wanted the weekend alone and at one point I said that I had been thinking since the market idea didnt work we do another movie sunday, she said maybe. I said I didnt want to rush her, that it was an idea i had before she wanted space and it was up to her.
We make plans, but she is always the one to keep wanting more. Ex- we have plans to just hang out for like 3 hours, then she wants me to stay over and carpool to work (which means we would hang out the following night when I drive her home), then that night she'll want to go for ice cream and she she wants to cuddle so we spend the night at my house, etc. I love spending time with her, but if she thinks we are together too often then I wish she would have talked to me before we got to this point, we could have dialed it back and just stuck to an original plan and not let it spawn from a 3 hour hang out to 3 days.

She still wants to text/ BBM throughout this time. With how happy we've been I know it's stress at her job, but it's clearly hurting us and her job isnt going away, so it seems like I am.

What do I do, the way she has been talking today is sort of cold and really seems like this is it. I am a complete wreck. My work is flexible so I didnt go in today.

On the weekends when she doesnt work we are great and she has no attitude what so ever, but when we talk during the week or hang out after work, she tries my patients. I can't let her slip away, up until this week it seemed like we were both going to make it last. I can't stop crying, all I want is to see her and hold her and hope she realizes it's stress from work. I am so sad.

[Wakeup]

I've said it before and I'll say it again... When someone is running away from you the worse thing you could do is chase them.

Chill dude and let her come to you for a change without you getting all whiney and clingy if she happens to not want to spend a day or two without you. I know, you're thinking if I don't call her and "chase" her then she'll get away. Well, if you think about it, if she was going to go, you chasing her won't make her want to stay so quit doing it and relax. You sound like you have no hobbies or friends except her and that's just not good for any relationship. You have to be an interesting guy with interests to keep her interested and intrigued.

Even when you suggest that she have a "chill night" alone you bugged her and (although not your intention) you made her feel pressured once again.

I suggest you have your own "chill night" and refrain from texting, calling, emailing, MSN'ing, sending a note via carrier pidgeon and give each other a day or two to miss one another. In the mean time, look up a amature sports league that you can join or a hobby class you can take to keep you occupied and to make you interesting.

GL.

[3Sheets2TheWind]

I don't want to sound defensive, but the friend situation is quite the opposite. She has one good friend, who she is going out with tonight. The rest will make plans then all bail at the last minute, some will even say they can't make it and go anyways. I feel so bad for her. A girl she worked with and hung out with a lot of of work quit and now blows her off all the time now too.

That's why she always takes plans we have and keeps adding to them. Well not just that reason, we do enjoy time with one another. When I go out with co-workers, friends, or classmates through the week, she, for the most part, doesn't do anything.

If I'm not out with her, I'm with my friends.
As for hobbies, I cycle 60-80 miles a week. Not so much a hobbie I guess.

You're right about chasing, it just seems like how she is talking we're over. My mind set was/ now is I'm going to do everything in my power to try and save it, and sitting back doesn't jive with my "go" personality. I know that's not what is needed now, but it's so hard.

[smackie9]

Ya you go alright.....around in circles.

[3Sheets2TheWind]

Care to expand on that please?

[Wakeup]

I don't want to sound defensive, but the friend situation is quite the opposite. She has one good friend, who she is going out with tonight. The rest will make plans then all bail at the last minute, some will even say they can't make it and go anyways. I feel so bad for her. A girl she worked with and hung out with a lot of of work quit and now blows her off all the time now too.

That's why she always takes plans we have and keeps adding to them. Well not just that reason, we do enjoy time with one another. When I go out with co-workers, friends, or classmates through the week, she, for the most part, doesn't do anything.


If I'm not out with her, I'm with my friends.
As for hobbies, I cycle 60-80 miles a week. Not so much a hobbie I guess.

You're right about chasing, it just seems like how she is talking we're over. My mind set was/ now is I'm going to do everything in my power to try and save it, and sitting back doesn't jive with my "go" personality. I know that's not what is needed now, but it's so hard.

You are not put on this earth to save her from herself so quit that mindset and find someone who has enough social skills to keep a friend for more than five minutes. She, like you needs to move past one another long enough to join some group or thing of interest that doesn't include you. If she can't do that then she's messed up and you don't need to try and fix someone messed up ... don't flatter yourself by thinking she can't function without you.

To add:

My mind set was/ now is I'm going to do everything in my power to try and save it, and sitting back doesn't jive with my "go" personality. I know that's not what is needed now, but it's so hard.

You (like so many including myself at one point) have to learn that you cannot control outcomes. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, all you can do is have ONE converstation about what it is you don't like and what it is you would like to see happen and if it doesn't happen after that then you have two choices:

1. Accept it and be happy without trying to control her choice of not doing what you think will make you both happy or,
2. Not accepting her choice of not doing what you think will make you both happy and LEAVE her to her choice without you.

Once you can GET that concept and truly believe it, you will find that you will seldom be frustrated about outcomes and most times, if you are with someone who appreciates and wants to be there with you that they will think of a bloody good compromise (or you yourself will present one during your talk)
where you both will find that you get something positive out of it.

Conflict resolution and the art of compromise is a wonderful thang.

[rafterman]

F$#k me dead, go hard with the font function, next time why dont you?

[smackie9]

You need to change your "go" mindset or you will go in circles. Accept it for what it is and move away from it.

[3Sheets2TheWind]

You need to change your "go" mindset or you will go in circles. Accept it for what it is and move away from it.

Ah ok, thanks. Yea I realize it doesn't work here, but it has made me succeed in both school and work to the point that it's how i approach most things. But yes, I see what you mean. I'm backing off, she said she still wants to text each other, but I don't know. She's so adamant about needing this weekend for space and texting isn't fully doing that. I have a feeling on Monday she's going to say she doesnt want a relationship, and I hate it. I've mentioned to her a long time ago if she thought we spent too much time with one another, and jokingly said I didn't want her getting sick of me, she was dumbfounded that I would think that, so I never brought it up again... Well now here we are
I firmly believe it is her work, all of her actions towards myself and her family through up the red flag on stress, she leaves work everyday with a headache, exhausted and bad attitude towards people.


@Wakeup: it's not that she cant make friends, she lives in the country, no one is around her. Most her good friends have moved away for work.

[Wakeup]

Sorry, I'm not getting why where she lives is hindering her from being a friend or getting and keeping one?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If what you say is really true, then you should not be dwelling on this. If you're in 'go' mode, you need to start moving on. You're right that texting(or any contact) is not what you need. This is the type of girl that once you stop talking to her, she will certainly return. Do not initiate any contact, and next time she does, tell her that you only want to speak to her if she wants to reconcile the relationship, otherwise you can't talk to her anymore and need to start moving on.

[3Sheets2TheWind]

Thanks everyone, I wont address you all individually but I have taken everything you said and thought about it.

I do have an update... Tonight she asked me to her house (her parents) for dinner and she said she would pick me up on her way home from seeing a friend (one of the friends who bail constantly), I thought maybe she had something to tell me. We drive there and everything is great, laughing and stuff on the car ride. Dinner was really great, this was actually the first time I've felt like her father approved of me. He has always been nice and welcoming, but conversation was always dull and I had to initiate. Tonight it felt like I was finally accepted by him.
Anyways, on the drive home I said something. I explained how I felt, and how I was confused by how this just up and happened since we had been so happy together and she wanted to start looking at apartments together, and while at my cottage the other weekend my mom told her my brother and his recently married wife had been dating 8 years and my GF asked me in front of my family something about us being together in 8 years. Just all these things about how she would talk about our future and nothing that would seem like there was a problem.
I asked if she was scared, that if we stayed together this could be 'it'. we are bother 23 so i thought maybe she was freaking out about a life long thing, and having goals she wants to do. she said that wasn't it.

She told me she doesnt want to live around where we currently do (despite her solely looking at local apartments, and that she is family based and doesnt want to move too-too far from her parents/sisters), and she wants to get a job in Toronto (hour-1.5 away) and that I dont want her to and she wont not just because i dont want her to. Yet she has said numerous times she wouldnt want to work or live in a big city, so it was a surprise to me. She said she doesnt picture us together forever because of these things. I said that she has always said we can talk through our problems, and how she forces me to tell her when something is bothering me, but she wont, I asked why she just didnt talk to me about these things and we could try and figure them out before it got to this point. I didnt understand why we had to have such a certain future, we arent really at a stage to know if it will last, that takes time.
She kept saying she doesnt know what she wants (in life, etc) and doesnt know what to say. She doesnt want to be broken up right now for this space/time apart. I told her that this time is killing me that to know my GF may not want a relationship with me is a terrible feeling. and I understand she want's to figure things out, but she has to talk to me and not just cut me out. She said she needs space to think alone, I told her I wasnt going to sit around hurt and sad not knowing what's going on with us. Maybe it was blunt, but I told her by thursday to tell me whats going on between us, that we can figure other stuff out after that. I said not to call/text/communicate before then unless it was to talk about this. If i didnt hear from her by thursday that I would need to do what's best for me and put myself first.

I love her so much, and I can feel the anxiety in my chest right now. I don't want us to be over, but this is bullshit for me. I think it's maybe my time to be selfish. I wish I could wait, but the pain is too much to not know the outcome.
I told her if we broke up I couldn't be friends, she said she would want to be but knew I wouldn't be able to.

[Borealis]

Brother, do whats in your heart.

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself. You're young its okay to be heartbroken. If anything you're functioning normal because you are.

Do whatever with reckless abandonment, considering the safety to yourself and her. If it doesn't work then you've learnt a valuable lesson and surely there is someone else there for you.

I know when I was in my most desperate of circumstance when I was your age I'd seek advice from elders, friends, and acquaintances. No matter the value of advice I still went for it. I had to learn the hard way but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Its made be a better person and it'll make you a better person as well. It was more torment waiting for my destiny to be decided than to just go for it. Unlike you I had to make a 10 hour treck to see her through numerous obstacles that makes me laugh humorously about now. It was a great adventure even though it felt like hell back then.

It'll feel like hell for you too if it doesn't work out but don't be ashamed of it. Carl Jung called the times following of loneliness, desperation and hopelessness The Wastelands. It was a necessary time for every man to learn about himself. Even though during that time he feels its torture he has actually evolved tools he would not otherwise been able to forge if it had not. These things make him stronger and ultimately ascends him into the leadership position within his tribe. You mentioned your ambitions for school and work. If it doesn't work, what will follow will be quite a glorious time if you'll be patient and see that the crucible of torment has created something invaluable for you: the knowledge that you are stronger than you think.

[3Sheets2TheWind]

What's in my heart is to do everything in my power to be with her, if that means waiting, then I wait. But I don't know how much I cant endure, and how long can I hurt like this before I realize that maybe my love is gone, that waiting in agony became too much. And now, what's to say this won't happen again 6 months from now, or 2 years from now. When she doesnt know where her life is going she cuts me out.

She is my first serious relationship, there have been other girls, but nothing like this. I thought I had known love before, but this has made it so very clear that everything before this was just, I don't know, just infatuation maybe?
Up until this week how we talked (how she talked) and how happy we were, she made me believe that there was nothing to stand in our way right now, that this could be the real thing.

I am still just so shocked by this, she never mentioned anything like this before, it almost contradicts her life goals/ aspirations she had told me. I wish she would have talked to me

[smackie9]

When a person in a relationship does a 180 degree turn and starts pushing you away with excuses, that usually maens they have another interest in someone else. Usually a break means they are trying to muster up the courage to call it quits, and prepare for their escape.