Make Or Break Time..

[NoUserNamesLeft]

My first post on here, Im completely confused about my relationship with my fiance and havent a clue what to do.

Im 25 and met her four years ago, we are the same age, last year we had a baby boy. Everything was great, until then. We were proper in love, had great sex 3/4 times a week. Obviously when a woman gets pregnant it will slowly stop. But when we did do it for 9 months I was on top, then after she had the child she put on weight and lost her confidence in the bedroom I completely understand this and constantly compliment her calling her sexy and beautiful.

Its a year on since she had him and she is putting on weight, She keeps vowing to go to the gym and loose weight but looses motivation after a week and this goes round and round, I've been nothing but supportive and try to motivate her but she just takes it the wrong way, I cant win.

When we do have sex its me constantly on top, she wont do anything else, its really got to the point were I dont even look foward to it and I've had erection problems the odd time because Im so sick of doing the same thing over and over again. Twice in a year I've suggested we try new things and she completely shoots it down and says she has no confidence and Im gona haveto be patient until she looses weight, but its a year later and nothing has happened, for 2 years now everytime we've had sex I've been on top and so sick and bored of it. I've been on top soo much that I never wanna do that position again in my life! I love her so much and would never leave her over this but theres only so much I can take. Im thinking back and its breaking my heart but its been 2 years since I've really enjoyed our sex.

I gently suggested to her I just wanna spice it up and get things back to the way they were but she takes it the wrong way and thinks Im being hurtful, my words and compliments mean nothing and she wont let me show her in the bedroom that the extra weight doesnt bother me in the slightest. We've sex 3 times in the last 6 months, things have just got so awkward I honeslty dont know whats happening anymore or whats going to happen. I've subconciously been looking at other women far more than I usualy would recently and all I wana do is have fun and enjoyable sex again, I would never cheat on her Im so bored.

Any help and suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

[Saya]

Have you tried going to the gym with her? If you tried going to the gym with her and doing the exercise with her then she might like it?
Or even go for a walk with her and your baby.
Have you tried other position? Besides her on top? I know this isn't really attractive, but if she's not comfortable with her body then maybe she can wear a top or something?

[NoUserNamesLeft]

I've suggested going with her to the gym but shes says she wouldnt be comfortable with me being there seeing her work out and getting sweaty, her confidence must be rock bottom if thats the way she thinks. I dont know what Im supposed to do!

We constantly go on walks with the baby, shes never gona loose the weight just doing that.

Dont mean to sound cheeky but have I tried other positions???Its all I try and do when we are in the middle of sex without actually saying to her but she just wont do it and the other night we were aruging/discussing the problem she used it againnst me that I dont take her top off, I know she down on her confidence so thats why I havent. Im at my witts end, please help!

[MaidenMinx]

Actually you can lose A LOT of weight with walking being the only exercise. Any thing that ups your heart rate is going to burn calories. Exercise is only a small part of the weight loss problem. How is your diet? What are her portion sizes like?

As for the fact that she doesn't like her post-baby body, that is completely normal. Since I had my son (he is nearly 7 now) I will still often break down and cry at the 'horror' that is my body (only when I am PMSing these days though).

I'm sorry for my callus attitude, but FFS, suck it up!!! At least you are getting something at the moment. It's only been in the last 2 years that I got any of my sex drive back. For the rest of that time I only ever felt like doing anything maybe once every 6 months. Hubby 'got some' maybe once every 2 months out of a sense of 'obligation' to him.

There are plenty of women on the planet that go completely off sex for a LOOOOONG period of time after having a baby. Some women never get their drive and self esteem back. Be thankful that she does want to change.

Stop mentioning the gym, start recommending healthier eating options and smaller portions and go for an hour long walk with her and your baby once a day. Oh and make sure you give her some time to herself everyday too. Being a mum is hard work and draining, after giving all her energy to your son, are you surprised she has none for you or herself.

[NoUserNamesLeft]

I am sucking it up, I have done for the last 2 years, also Im not getting any at the moment, we havent had sex in 2 months and that ended in disaster. We are in a routine where I take the child 2 nights a week and take him for a couple of hours every day so she does gets her rest and I constantly tell her if she is feeling drained Im gona take him.

I feel as if Im doing everything I can at the moment and its getting me nowhere, and now it feels so awkward even thinking of being intimate, is there any coming back from that? :S

[bluesummer]

You need to tell her that her issues are affecting your happiness, and the relationship as a whole. Her body issues sound deep enough that they could lead to depression (or maybe she's already depressed?) and I think she needs some conselling.

As for the gym, you could suggest she take some type of class like spinning or some type of cardio while you do you own workout, so you're not 'seeing' her. I'm guessing she'll have an excuse for this too, but it's a suggestion nonetheless. Not to mention that the biggest factor in losing weight is diet. If she's eating crappy that will do it too. She could definitely lose weight with a change in diet (make it a 'couples plan' to get healthy together) combined with her regular walking.

[NoUserNamesLeft]

Well I'd thought I would come here again to "update" my relationship so to speak.

Well nothing has changed at all really, besides the fact we have had 2 massive arguments over the last year that we both that both feel like we arnt a couple anymore, just friends with a baby as there is any cuddling, kissing, intimacy and sexy. Months ago we promised to try harder, didnt work and we argued the same thing 2 days ago, we are due to move into an apartment next week so its make or break time.

Its tearing me apart that Im even on here asking for advice but I just cant help feel having a baby has ruined our relationship, shes just not the girl I fell in love with and Im sure she feels the same about me, she used to be easy going, funny and sexy, couldnt keep our hands off eachother, all that is just completely gone. She is so serious and bossy most of the time and has a very short fuse. I cannot hold this completely against her as she is a mother now and does a brilliant job for our soon, she is a brilliant mum, shes just not the girl I fell in love with. We both agreed we would give it ago in our new apartment, its a big step for us as she was still living with her parents and me with mine, we couldnt afford to move out but now we can. She is sure things will change big time but its breaking my heart to say this, I just cant see it

Im so confused, I love her but Im not in love with her if that makes sense? her my baby boy are my world but I need intimacy and enjoyable sex.

Have I fell outa love with her?? and just care for her too much so its blinding my judgement??? Im just so confused and dont know what to do :S

[Dabbler]

Mate, that is a terrible situation you are in but you are not alone, there are thousands of couples out there with the same issues. Everything is fine until a child comes along and the woman feels fat and ugly, if a person is feeling like that about themselves, they don't feel like sex. Some woman get straight into exercise and diet and get their pre-baby figure back as well as their sex drive. I think the longer a woman does nothing about it the harder it is for them to do something about it. I would suggest that you suggest a women only gym, the only problem is that every time you bring the subject up it reinforces her belief that she is fat and ugly.

So what sort of shape are you in? Perhaps if you started exercising it will inspire her to give it a go herself.

It doesn't help that you are not living together, maybe having your own apartment will make a difference, it should give you more time together to rebuild your intimacy.

I guess you need to think what is going to make you happy in the long term, you obviously love her and there are a lot of good things in your relationship, but can you continue without that feeling of intimacy?
I know you don't want to cheat on her but perhaps you can visit a prostitute to ease your carnal desires and take the pressure off both of you, better than having an affair which is where you could head in the future if things don't change.

[bcgirl]

its terrible you are going through this. I can understand though from both points of view. Yours and hers. I'm a woman and we all have self esteem issues from time to time. I'm not fat by any means (5'4, 115 pounds), but definitely have my unattractive days where i feel bloated, fat and gross. I don't feel like having sex with my hubby on those nights where i've just indulged in a whole plate of pasta...yes, it's silly....but a whole part of wanting to have sex is the psychology of feeling good and sexy. When i was 17, i had the body of a Victoria secret model.....now, as i'm getting older....i wish i can go back to the body i used to have, but my metabolism is just not there like it used to. Although my hubby always compliments me, it's my insecurities that i must deal with.

I just watched this show last night that stated that fat women have less sex than skinny women because they are obviously ashamed and embarrassed with their image. If they have a hard time looking at themselves naked in the mirror, how is it possible for them to stand naked for someone else? Why don't you two attend couples therapy? Or visit a sex therapist? I really think your wife needs major motivation to get back into shape. When she isn't happy with the way she looks, she'll be embarrassed to have sex...thus all that sexual frustration builds up that makes her more and more cranky everyday. Excersise boosts endorphines, thus making her happier (less moody/cranky) and hornier. Once she see's the pounds shed, she will feel sexy again. Yes, it's tough for a new mom to juggle having to take care of the baby, cook, clean etc....so this is where she needs your help. Perhaps you can tell her that you'll cook dinner and watch after the baby while she goes to the gym for a couple hours a day. Or if the money is there....personal trainers does wonders. Also....eating habits is crucial. So although you may have the metabolism to be able to eat take out everyday and not gain a pound....she can't. So a very healthy diet for the both of you is key.
What me and my hubby do is take our dog out for long hikes every weekend...this helps us all get into shape, including the dog. Perhaps you should start with that...buy one of those baby carriers that you wear like a backpack and go for long hikes, enjoy the scenery and each other's company. Also what i find that motivates me to work out is not the gym...but paying for fitness classes. That way it's pre-paid and i HAVE to go to the classes. There is an instructor that will motivate you to work out, so you can't slack off.It's gotta be something that your wife will enjoy though....like yoga classes, dance classes, kickboxing etc. Oh and i know it may be a little touchy to buy her a book about weight loss.....but a great book for women is called "Skinny Bitch". If she reads it, it may totally change her outlook on her eating habits.

When was the last time you brought you fiance on a date? You know....the whole dinner, movie, flower type of deal? Romance is a HUGE part in winning a girls heart. It's very important to keep the freshness of the relationship so the spark doesn't die. I suggest asking your wife out on a date. Get someone to babysit the baby. Get dressed up for each other, you buy her flowers....bring her to a nice restaurant, order some nice wine....let loose....then go out and dance, or play pool or whatever over a couple more glasses of wine. Who knows what the night will bring later on in bed.....

Oh and one more thing..... when was the last time you've tried or attempted to perform oral sex on your wife? Remember that sex isn't just intercourse until you come. It's about both of you comming. Did you know 80% of women are unable to reach orgasm by just intercourse alone? Foreplay and tons of clitoral stimulation is key. Perhaps if you give her the best orgasm of her life....she will be begging you for more. Maybe she feels like there is no point in having sex because she doesn't orgasm and sex finishes way too early?