THEY'RE HAVING A BABY!!!! I want to faint...

[dior01]

Some of you may remember my stories from the past.. but for the rest I will sum up the background info in as few words a possible because I really need some in depth advice... I'm hanging on by a thread.

I dated this guy for 2 yrs. He's in his early 30s I'm in my early 20s. First serious relationship for me. He's been in many, he's divorced and has a son. Although i know he loves his son, he's not a very good father. His ex-wife has him most of the time, she pays for everything (he doesn't pay child support), and his mother (the grandma) takes care of him on weekends when he's supposed to have him so that he can go out with his friends. It's even worse than it sounds but I won't get into the details.

When we first met, he was trying to get me pregnant within literally 2 months of knowing me. I was only 22 (he was 30) and naive at the time. I believed the pretty little picture he painted in my head, so we stopped using protection. But I kept telling him I want to get married first and he kept coming up with excuses and telling me it would happen after the baby. We moved in together after 3 months of dating. Then some stuff started happening. He had bad temper tantrums, he embarassed me a few times in public, when he was drunk he would turn into a different person, he had an awful 1920s mentality about women and their place (as housewives) we lived in his parents basement and his mom was SO RUDE to me, I realized he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend (she walked out on him after 1 yr together and left him a note on the bed..don't know the details but he never saw her since), I also realized he wasn't over the fact that this other girl he dated for only 3 stinkin' months had an abortion with his baby.. he would talk about these 2 girls a lot. He lied... a lot. One night he told me he was going to get milk and he came back at 3am. Another time he kicked me out of the house at 4am with nowhere to go because his sister in law told him she didn't like that he treated me like a kid. During this entire time, we were not using protection and somehow i didn't get pregnant. When all the red flags started going up I kept telling him I wanted to start using protection but he kept arguing with me not to. Then a series of really bad fights started happening between us and some even involved his extremely rude mother and I had it, packed my bags and left.. that's when I found out I was pregnant.. and I came back and told him.... I didn't know what to do...after a very long discussion with him (he got me flowers promised me the world etc..he was very very happy) I decided to get an abortion. Something that I can't explain in words how difficult it was for me and 2 yrs later I still cry about it and wonder "what if". We broke up briefly but eventually got back together.. things went downhill from there and I basically spend 2 yrs of my life with him crying EVERY DAY, catching him with different girls, him cheating on me CONSTANTLY, lying, playing mind games, his mother, him disrespecting me in public and in front of friends.. lord if I was to tell you some stories they would make your skin crawl. We broke up over 100 times and each time he kept telling me that it was because I had an abortion that things got so bad (I have to admit he never cheated before the abortion) and he would beg me back and we would try again and again he would cheat, or lie or hurt me or all 3. He even hit me twice under very extreme circumstances and spit in my face. Eventually I was so run down, emotionally unstable and exhausted, I took the little strength I had left and left him. He then proposed and we started working on things one last time..he said he was finally ready to let go of the abortion.. we even got matching tattoos..things were great for 3-4 months..then he cheated AGAIN! Just months before the wedding. We broke up for the last time this March.

Since then I was in a life-altering car accident (I'm 100% now thank God) that got me thinking about a lot. I have to admit, as I get older, I really want a baby (but the proper way and with marriage first) and I think about the abortion a lot. I have a lot of guilt from it. I always dreamed of a big family since I don't have a lot of family where I live. (my relatives are scattered across Spain) I know what he did to me AFTER was DISGUSTING but I don't know if the fights we were having BEFORE where sufficient reason for me to have an abortion...although my gut still tells me I was right I can't help but wonder. I really truly loved him in a very sick twisted way since I was being emotionally abused...but there were time where things were so amazing it really felt like he was the one.

It took him exactly 1 month to move on. He met a girl, they moved in together after only 2 months and now... after 4 months of dating .. THEY'RE HAVING A BABY!!! DUE IN MARCH! We have mutual friends and his sister is still my best friend to this day so she tells me everything. (they are not very close and she doesn't agree with what he put me thru) Just as I thought that I was starting to heal, the baby news brought me right down to rock bottom again. How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from "I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode (her) in just a few months!!! It took me 4 months just to stop crying every night and it took him the same time to make a child and move in with her. I want to faint. I have no idea how to analyze this.. is this all he ever wanted? Would things have been ok with us if I just gave him a child like he dreamed of?? And what possesses him to make babies with random women to begin with? I don't get it. Please help.

[Evo1114]

This dude needs to get his nuts chopped off. Why do women date ****s like this when there are thousands of genuinely good single dudes out there. I really don't get it.

[Wakeup]

How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from "I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode (her) in just a few months!!!

He can do it because he is a sociopath. Read up on that word, sociopaths are unable to empathize like normal people can. He also sounds like a narcissist as well. They don't love anyone but themselves. I saw a show on a Sexual Deviant once where is goal was to father as many babies as he could without taking the time the rear any of them or even love the mothers. He was a Boarderline Personalitied creep who your ex sounds an awful lot a like.

As far as I can see, the best thing you could have done was have that abortion. Stop feeling guilty about it. You were in no position mentally, physically, financially or emotionally to rear that child. Had you had it, he/she would not be looked after properly because of both you and your exes states of mind. The world does not need another neglected and emotionally damaged child in it. If you gave it away, you'ld forever be wondering where it is or the little one would be wondering about you and his roots. That's my take on it. Forgive yourself and just thank your higher power that you are FREE of anything and all things that would connect you to the abusive mental fvcktard and his equally gross and screwed up mother.

Go to your doctor and ask to be referred for therapy. You shouldn't even be thinking about this man who has psychologically damaged you at this point. If you need to stop all contact with his sister in order to cleanse him from your system then do that too. You must concede to yourself that you need professional help. No woman who was in a healthy state of mind would have kept going back to that kind of treatment that is so obviously NOT LOVE.

I pose a question to you not unlike your own that I quoted above: How can a girl think that this man has any normal way of thinking in his brain? How can you even think that this new girl is not being abused and that he will not be neglecting this baby like he has every other woman and child before you?
This is not a happy normal couple. This will not be A Leave It To Beaver household. You would know that if you were alright.

You live in a country whose social services are there for you to help you overcome this. Be well.

[smackie9]

Good god get some therapy girl.

[jb1111983]

Wtf? Have some self respect. Can't you see you're way better off without him?

[dior01]

Despite the brutal honesty, I appreciate the advice. I do have self-respect that's why I left... as long as it took, I still did eventually. My life has felt really empty without him however and I can't figure out why I can't be happy or relieved.. it's caused me to rethink our entire relationship even though I know that everything you have all said is absolutely correct... Perhaps I am still suffering from the abuse and this is the way it has manifested itself..


p.s I'd like to add that his soon to be baby mama is wearing my old engagement ring.. I know that is disgusting and yet another low-life move but it hurt like hell when I saw it on her finger.. again, why? I don't want to be like this

[Wakeup]

Again: Why the FVCKINGGEEZUSALLTHATISGOOD are you still knowing what this man is up to. Why were you close enough to them to see this ring on her finger? Ditch his sister if she is telling you this stuff. She's as fked up as the rest of her family if she thinks telling you this shit is good for you.
GO AND GET SOME THERAPY. It will help you to process all that you allowed on yourself, why you allowed this in your life and why you would go back to it when you should have left on this first sign of abuse. It will also help you to come to your very wise decision to terminate the pregnancy.

On Edit: This man WILL never be faithful to any woman. He is a psycho and his mother gave birth to the devil's spawn. I have to seriously consider that his sister is just as twisted as the rest of the family.

You're in Canada. Go to your doctor and request a referral to a shrink.

[bluesummer]

I don't know why you care about anything that goes on in this man's life. You need to start thinking of him as a disaster averted and just move on with your life. Stop inquiring about him, and cut all your ties to him. He's a waste of space.

[gonzilla]

This guy sounds EXACTLY like a relative of mine. He was dating a girl for years, promising to marry her but taking her for granted and humiliating her in public. She eventually dumped him and he found someone else who he tried to impregnate immediately. That didn't work out so now he's with the most innocent, sweet girl and he's managed to get her pregnant. He's cocky and confident and a sweet-talker, he can paint any image in your head and he can make you believe you're going to be happy together. He's a cheat, a liar and a downright horrible person.

This guy you talk about is incapable of thinking about anyone else on this planet but himself. He doesn't care about anyone else - ever. He will destroy anyone he's with. I know this is really difficult to believe given the amount of pain you must be in, but you dodged a bullet by getting rid of him. You would have been miserable forever. Feel sorry for this new girl - remember all the pain he caused you? Well she's now dealing with that.

Take some time and concentrate on yourself. You're better than him and you deserve better. Eventually, when you're happy being single and you've let go of this asshole, you'll find someone who'll make your life rich and beautiful.

[girl68]

Can you just keep reading your post over and over again to yourself?

[Evo1114]

p.s I'd like to add that his soon to be baby mama is wearing my old engagement ring.. I know that is disgusting and yet another low-life move but it hurt like hell when I saw it on her finger.. again, why? I don't want to be like this

Who cares! Just be happy that it is somebody else who will have to suffer with him now and not you! (Not that it is good that anybody is suffering..but you know what I mean). Chill out for a bit. Be single for awhile. You aren't going to perish without him. Do some fun things FOR YOURSELF. Go see a therapist. And here is the absolute most important thing....DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH THIS D-BAG ANYMORE!!! Otherwise you will continue to spiral downward.

[Enigmos]

Girl, quite frankly, you dodged a major arse bullet, you got a get-out-of-jail-for-free card, or otherwise known as a blessing in disguise. Your ex sounds like the kind of guy who just wants his F trophy. You're not iimportant. GET THAT?

Move on. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up.

[dior01]

Girl, quite frankly, you dodged a major arse bullet, you got a get-out-of-jail-for-free card, or otherwise known as a blessing in disguise. Your ex sounds like the kind of guy who just wants his F trophy. You're not iimportant. GET THAT?

Move on. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up.

By trophy you mean a new baby?

[jb1111983]

Despite the brutal honesty, I appreciate the advice. I do have self-respect that's why I left... as long as it took, I still did eventually. My life has felt really empty without him however and I can't figure out why I can't be happy or relieved.. it's caused me to rethink our entire relationship even though I know that everything you have all said is absolutely correct... Perhaps I am still suffering from the abuse and this is the way it has manifested itself..


p.s I'd like to add that his soon to be baby mama is wearing my old engagement ring.. I know that is disgusting and yet another low-life move but it hurt like hell when I saw it on her finger.. again, why? I don't want to be like this

I'm sorry if I was being harsh (I think I was), but everyone is right in saying what's happened is indeed a blessing in disguise for you. A man like him doesn't deserve you. You're much better than that. I know it's not easy for I've been there myself with a girl I wanted to always be with but didn't work out. It took time to get over her but it was the right thing to have happened, because I shouldn't be with someone who loves me today and won't love me tomorrow. She wasn't the right person for me. And this man isn't the right one for you. Someone who truly loves you won't treat you like the way this man has treated you.

I think you already know what to do. Do the right thing. Start afresh. You deserve a much better life than this. Good luck.

[AmericanGirl]

He can do it because he is a sociopath. Read up on that word, sociopaths are unable to empathize like normal people can. He also sounds like a narcissist as well. They don't love anyone but themselves. I saw a show on a Sexual Deviant once where is goal was to father as many babies as he could without taking the time the rear any of them or even love the mothers. He was a Boarderline Personalitied creep who your ex sounds an awful lot a like.

As far as I can see, the best thing you could have done was have that abortion. Stop feeling guilty about it. You were in no position mentally, physically, financially or emotionally to rear that child. Had you had it, he/she would not be looked after properly because of both you and your exes states of mind. The world does not need another neglected and emotionally damaged child in it. If you gave it away, you'ld forever be wondering where it is or the little one would be wondering about you and his roots. That's my take on it. Forgive yourself and just thank your higher power that you are FREE of anything and all things that would connect you to the abusive mental fvcktard and his equally gross and screwed up mother.

Go to your doctor and ask to be referred for therapy. You shouldn't even be thinking about this man who has psychologically damaged you at this point. If you need to stop all contact with his sister in order to cleanse him from your system then do that too. You must concede to yourself that you need professional help. No woman who was in a healthy state of mind would have kept going back to that kind of treatment that is so obviously NOT LOVE.

I pose a question to you not unlike your own that I quoted above: How can a girl think that this man has any normal way of thinking in his brain? How can you even think that this new girl is not being abused and that he will not be neglecting this baby like he has every other woman and child before you?
This is not a happy normal couple. This will not be A Leave It To Beaver household. You would know that if you were alright.

You live in a country whose social services are there for you to help you overcome this. Be well.

Very nicely said and I agree... be thankful you escaped this situation, seek help and work on healing.