Personal health, women's opinions appreciated.

[the_avarice]

Hi I"m a 26 year old straight male. In recent years, I have had a chronic medical condition. I also just finished my second degree and pursuing another. I am not trying to gloat but I wanted to point out that I am career oriented.

Needless to say I never found time to pursue women because of school/work/health. It was never a priority for me. In the past year, my illness got worse and my doctors informed cancer was coming with serious outcomes. I had to get surgery which left me an ileostomy. It's an external pouch like a colostomy but slightly different.

I am quite grateful for the "bag" because it's given me better health and frankly I'm still alive. Nevertheless, I want to know how this affects my personal/dating life.

I keep getting cliches from my female friends "it doesn't matter; love is only necessary" ."You are beautiful on the inside"

While I appreciate the support, it is absurd to believe it plays NO role. Consider someone in a wheelchair. I am certain they have to make lifestyle adjustments.


I posted this on forums with men and get some honest answers. I am more intrigued to know what women think. Since you don't know me, then I am certain I can get some good honest feedback.

Would you date someone with an ileostomy ? Is this "gross" ? How important is this for you?

thanks

[ecojeanne]

this is a challenge alright. tbh i would reckon you will have a hard time finding someone who will choose you over the easier option unless they have no options available themselves. hopefully you will find love, good luck






if this thread is even real...

[the_avarice]

Yes, this is a real thread. Why wouldn't it be? what do you mean by easier option?

[vashti]

I'm a nurse, and have had many patients with colostomy or ileostomy bags, and a lot of them are married. While of course it is true that there ARE exceptional people out there who wouldn't mind dating someone like you (assuming your personality is fantastic) my assumption is that they usually married before their decline in health began.

The thing is, there are a lot of people in your position, and maybe in addition to dating from the general pool, you should try to date someone who is like you/similar diagnosis; perhaps from a support group, or something?

[sadie_genie]

Maybe you would have better luck marrying someone who is also in a wheelchair?

[MerryH]

I did a google image search for "ileostomy" and I'll be honest, some of those photos made me feel a little ill. What are we talking about here? Does it look like this: [url]http://www.ostomates.org/stories/terry2.jpg[/url]? Or more like this: [url]http://ucstory.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/ib-5.jpg[/url]?

There's a lot going on in that first one and it's uncomfortable to look at. The second one doesn't elicit nearly as strong a reaction. It also helps that he's a relatively healthy-looking person (not overweight.) Besides it being a part of your body (sort of?), how would that effect a girlfriend? Like, do you have to fuss with it constantly, or can you just take care of it during normal bathroom breaks? Sorry if these are stupid questions. You don't have to answer them, but it's somewhat relevant to what you're asking and I'm also curious.

I think your attitude about it would be the most important. If you're shy and act like it's some big shameful secret, then it's going to make things awkward. Ditto if you're too candid about it. If you're modest and just all, "yeah I have this thing I have to wear," you'll make it easier for people to accept it.

Also, what's this thing: [url]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/archive/2/28/20100413122542!Ileostomy_with_bag.jpg[/url]? Some sort of cover? Is that an option for you? I could be attracted to someone with that, no problem.

[the_avarice]

Thank you for the feedback.

sadie_genie --I really don't follow the wheelchair comment so some clarification would be nice.

MerryH -- I don't mind the questions at all. Frankly, I am glad that someone wasn't glib about the post. The first image has two stomas. The ileostomy is on the left. I can't be sure of the cirumstances but this is likely a colostomy. Again, this is probably right after surgery. The second image is an ileostomy with a see through bag. The red part is the small intestine. See through bags are rarely used outside of hospital settings because the actual content only matters after medical intervention (surgery,etc). The last image is what 99% of people use. It's a skin colored bag that covers up the small intestine. Except when the appliance requires change, the stoma is not seen. Frankly, the stoma is rarely seen outside of health care professions and the actual person.

Fussing with an ileostomy varies. I can't quite give a good answer but it's ok 95% of the time. you go the washroom and you come out. Done. A lot of ostomates actually have improved lifestyles after and can do many things. I wouldn't compare it to someone with chronic lung issues that requires oxygen or an individual that requires a cane/walker.


I hope that helps. I am QUITE self-conscious about it. To the point that I almost shy away to the women that approach me. I suppose I would like someone mature who understands but then again it might be asking too much. Considering I don't have too much relationship experience, I may have far fewer options. As far as how do girlfriends see it? I have never had a gf with my ileostomy. I"ve NO idea.

[MerryH]

Thanks for answering. That clears it up a lot.

Since it doesn't interfere with your life all that much (therefore not with any potential girlfriend's life,) and it doesn't look gruesome, I don't think it's something you need to be particularly self-conscious about. Easier said than done, I know, but if you're completely comfortable with it, then most girls will be, too. At your age, people are a little more mature and accepting.

You talked about it here and answered questions without being shy or awkward. Honestly, I went from being a little weirded out about it to being completely fine with it after you explained things like you did. Can you communicate like this with women you get close to? Try it.

[Enigmos]

Avarice, the way I see it, you have two issues: 1) self conscious over your ileostomy, and 2) self conscious over your lack of dating experience. I may be a bit cynical here, but I don't think there are many women in your age group who would be mentally mature to handle someone with your anatomical condition. Not to say there aren't women out there, but your age group is more into bling, FB, and keeping up with the Joneses. Goes without saying, but I'm just going to chime in, anyway, that, should you ever meet someone where you feel the chemistry, just take things slowly. Form the friendship first. Don't go physical (even kissing) right away.

I am glad that the surgical procedure has made your health better, BTW. Best wishes to you.

[the_avarice]

MerryH- Thanks a lot. You appear a lot more mature than most. I actually don't mind people asking questions. I am mostly afraid people will dismiss any friendship/relationship based on your understandable initial reaction. It's difficult to get to the explanation stage I suppose -- especially in typical meeting places such as clubs , lounges, etc.

Enigmos -- You nailed it on the head! I am self conscious about both. I also figure that the combination makes things far more difficult and less interesting to women. I'd like to get more experience but getting experience may be tough enough.

I would like to end by saying that I am not despondent about life. Dating was far away thought two years ago when I had to write exams while ill. So right now, this is a good problem

[vashti]

So right now, this is a good problem

I like your attitude! Lemonade out of lemons, my friend... it's a very attractive quality.

[the_avarice]

Ha, Thanks! I was actually asked if I was worried I'd die alone. I told them no and that I don't particularly "need" anybody. I am quite content with my life at this point. I would like to start a family, but the chips may not fall the same for me as they have for others. My doctor said bluntly "you were dealt a bad hand . Move on. That's the reality.

Perhaps being content has made me complacent. Maybe I could see if an arranged marriage is possible

[sadie_genie]

Thank you for the feedback.

sadie_genie --I really don't follow the wheelchair comment so some clarification would be nice.

Opps. Sorry. I thought your condition requires you to be on a wheelchair. Well, my point was that perhaps you should date someone who also has some physical condition. Someone who has a physical disability for example would more likely accept you.

[misombra]

i probably would not date you unless i really liked you.