He lies, and won't commit, and lies more...but I still want to be with him

[this.is.me]

I am generally a very emotionally detached person. After my divorce I have dated a lot, sometimes more serious than other times, but always managed to keep a distance. Well this current man I met about 3-4 months ago and we really hit it off. He is one of those guys who falls for people easy so he was more emotionally invested in it than I was. About a month in I start to really fall for him, we just have so much in common and I can spend hours just sitting around doing nothing at all with him without an awkward silence feeling. Right around that time (when I starting to really get emotionally invested in this) he tells me that he is worried he jumped into the relationship to fast and we need to take a step back and slow things down. I took this as he was breaking up with me and was very upset but cried for a few hours I sucked it up. Oddly enough though we kept doing the same things we had been doing before he 'dumped me' just without the labels of being a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't care at all about those labels so things were ok with me. We spent, and up until this week still had, and enormous amount of time together. He would call or text every day and I saw him probably every other day.

So we continue on our non-relationship and I am just really head over heels for this guy a couple months in. There is nothing particularly special, he isn't rich, he isn't amazingly good looking, nothing like that, I just really love spending time with him. At this point I want some form of commitment from him, I may not care about labels but I want us to be an exclusive relationship not seeing anyone else. I was all planned to have this conversation with him but then someone very close to him rather suddenly passed away and I didn't want to put and extra pressure on him during that time. For maybe two weeks I just did whatever I could to make him less of a mess. If he called me at 1am and just wanted someone to hold in bed I would get in my car and drive over, if he wanted to sit at his computer and play video games but have someone else in the room with him I would sit there and mess with my phone, if he wanted to be totally alone I let him be. He was emotionally a wreck, breaking down crying randomly, not going into work, just not holding himself together very all. While he was like that (and I was doing everything I could to comfort him) he slept with at least two other girls he has told me about, but I cannot really be upset about that since we were not in an exclusive relationship. Although I have to say as much as I was over I don't know what he had the freaking time to have sex with them.

Last week I meet this girl he has mentioned several times as a friend of his and she just will not speak to me, just kinda glares at me from a distance. I come to find out (after the meeting to no surprise) that this 'friend' of his, who he spends a lot of time with, recently told him that she has feelings for him. She is 8 years younger than him and he tells me that he is just worried about hurting her feelings and ruining their friendship so he does not want to push her away. The way I read this is that he is interested in her and wants to keep casually seeing both of us, which at this point I am not ok with.

After several long conversations with him I think I got it threw his head I am not 'competing' with another girl. If she wants him I am just going to walk away from this, as much as I really don't want to. I want to avoid the massive drama that is sure to come from this, he seems so sure won't happen. He insists that he just doesn't want to hurt her that is all, he also gives me the list of the pros and cons of dating one of us vs the other...which I think proves my point correct since he was thinking that out to begin with. Everything he likes about her are things that are polar opposites to me, and I am not going to change who I am. So I tell him again that if this is how things are going to be I am removing myself from this situation.

We have several mutual friends and I was kinda bitching and moaning about the whole thing to one of them. Supposedly he has been trying to pick up just about every single female in sight. He is also telling people he is not currently sexually active with anyone. Which is not true because up until recently I had been sleeping with him and he admitted to me having slept with two other girls (people I know) as well. He claims not to have slept with the girl that glares at me but I don't know if I believe him. This is all second hand information but not something I have any trouble believing at this point.

Problem is I still want him so badly. I went over to his house last night and just sitting there doing nothing but watching TV I was the happiest I had been all day. I really don't want to just walk away from him, even though he lies, won't commit, and lies some more. All I could think of to do was give him an ultimatum, which is something I consider incredibly bitchy and I never do. I told him that either he we were going to have an exclusive relationship together (and tell every freaking girl he hangs out with he is not single) or I am gone, and I need an answer by Tuesday...no answer by then and I am gone. He proceeds to tell me his history of relationships and how they have all failed so far (no shit, if they hadn't failed you would still be in one of them) and he thinks if we have a relationship he will freak out mess it up and lose me. So I go back to if he doesn't at least try a relationship I am gone anyway.

This whole thing is just so unhealthy. I need to just walk away period, no options no nothing just be done with him. But I just can't, I want to be with him so badly. He asked me the other day if I loved him and I told him I didn't know but I am honestly say I have never in my life felt this way about someone. Hell, I wasn't nearly this into the man I married.

Sorry this went on and on and I don't really know what type of advice anyone can really give me other than telling me I am being an idiot. I just don't know how to handle this, I am never emotionally attached like this.

[julinneray]

If I was in your position, the only thing I would do here is to walk away. First of all that fact that he is still sleeping with other people shows you that he is not going to commit or anything because I mean what kind of partner does he want, you have been there for him all the time, whenever he needs/ wants you and he still hasn't invested in you ( coz this is the time when he would get attached and say this you know this is the woman for me) secondly, be careful mainly because the fact that he is sleeping with other people, you are exposed to many STDs, I understand that you have no labels yet but at least by this time you should be the only one he should be sleeping with. Number three, it seems that he doesn't know where his loyalty lies coz number one, he can't choose between you and the other girl and number two he is still looking for other females to mess around with. I really think you are just going through a phase and it will stop once u realize this is not the guy for you. And then the other thing, I have a feeling that you want to be with this guy just because he is a "challenge" and may be you are not used to being the chaser. End this relationship ASAP before you end up with something you will regret for the rest of your life. If you enjoy spending time with him, just tell him may be you can friends but its just isn't working out, at least for you .

[Wakeup]

I'll give you one bit of advice: Don't you dare stay with him after you've presented him with that ultamatum and he doesn't give you what you want. If you do, you've just told him that you accept being in his harem and you'll be a good little girl and hang around waiting for your turn to be serviced. How much fun will that be for you who is sounding all full of bravado and decisiveness but longs to be with him exclusively and without sharing him sexually?

I have to ask you do you seriously think he's going to be telling all his options good bye so that they stay gone? Wow. I'm thinking this guy isn't capable of monogamy for more than 6 months tops and he'll be right back at it. How will you ever trust him?

[this.is.me]

I just can't believe I am in this situation. He asked me to come over last night and I didnt even try and explain why it was a bad idea this time. I just went over because I just know after Monday I am not going to get to be with him anymore and I just wanted to spend a little more time with him.

It's really not the whole challenge or wanting to change someone. I fell for him because he was a sweet, caring, responsible man. I dont know what happened this past month, he just changed into a whole different person. I know he is going to say no when the date comes, if he was going to say yes he wouldn't need to think it over that much. I love him and I hate him for it.

[Wakeup]

You're addicted to the sex.

If you deny that, then tell us what loving actions he shows you that makes you feel you're in love with him and more importantly that he's in love with you.

I'll add that being happy while you're in the same room with him is NOT a loving action that HE shows you.

[jb1111983]

Walking away is the best option here...unless you really love being miserable with him. He's not gonna change. You already know what to do in this situation. You just need to do it. He is the wrong guy for you.

[this.is.me]

You're addicted to the sex.

If you deny that, then tell us what loving actions he shows you that makes you feel you're in love with him and more importantly that he's in love with you.

I'll add that being happy while you're in the same room with him is NOT a loving action that HE shows you.

I do like sex, thats why I have had a long string of casual relationships. Truthfully I am a bit of a serial cheater, yeah I suck. Last night I actually brought over the ugliest frumpiest pj's I had and wore those. Sex just isn't a huge part of this though.

He really has done things for me though. I have had some trouble with employment lately, to the point I skip meals to pay my rent, whenever I am at his place he makes sure I eat something since he knows I probably don't have food at home. When we are out at the same place (not necessarily together) he always finds me, makes time to talk with me...even if the last few days I have been wanting him to kinda just leave me alone. This last one sounds even dumber than the rest but its kinda a big one for me. I suffer from a mental illness that while I am taking all the necessary steps to treat I do not have full control over. He has talked me down from doing a lot of stupid things, he has seen me completely loose it and just tailspin, but he never has been anything but supportive of me through it. I have sent guys running from stuff like this happening, he stays with me when I am really not there.

I guess you could blame the whole mentally ill on why I keep pursing this to begin with...I see a psychiatrist regularly and am on a wait-list for therapy.

[Wakeup]

Well, Thisisme, your story doesn't surprise me because I've come to find that 9 times out of 10, people who cling and stay with people that basically mis-treat them and then treat them well have some kind of mental or emotional issue..

This man knows that you'll stay with him no matter what he does (that's a form of abuse btw) so don't expect him to give up the chance to have multiple women when you'll accept that from him.

You're codependent because you're incapable of independence at the moment ~ due to your issue(s). Have you discussed this relationship with your shrink or is he simply prescibing whatever it is you need to be on and sending you on your way?

I don't know what a therapist would advice or try to get you to acknowledge but my advice would be that you do your best to rehab from this guy by going cold turkey and spend sometime alone while you learn to be independent and capable of surviving on your own so that you don't have to accept less than what you really want just so you won't be alone.

Considering you're a self-proclaimed serial cheater, I find it hard to understand why you are expecting exclusivity from him when you yourself are incapable of monogamy as well.

[Orchid46]

Hi I am in the same position, I know what I have to do, but its like I cant find the strenght to call it off..... and he is rrealizing he has the upper hand, I hate it , I hate myself, I want to call it off, but need some support............... sometimes I love him, sometimes I think its the sex................he is not good to me and I deserve better, so I know what I have to do...........just need some support

[Wakeup]

Orchid, It's not love you know? It's psychological manipulation to the point that you are now addicted to him as sure as if he was a hit of heroin. You need to go cold turkey and go zero contact so that you can rehab from him and cleanse your system of this madness.

If you need support not to cave and call him and run back for more sex and being mistreated then talk to your doctor about refering you for therapy. The longer you go without him in your life the easier it will get until eventually you will be to the point of indifference to him.

He's like a cigarette. You can't quit smoking if you keep having another drag.

Start leaving him by reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie. I think it will help you to get the strength to leave and stay gone.

[smackie9]

Ok the reason you are so bent on being with asshole is because he is untouchable. a challenge, you want to be the one that saves him, you want to have him pick YOU over those others so you feel so special because he has CHOSEN you........You are suffering just like someone who suffers from spousal abuse. Ive done some reading and apparently there's this chemical dopamine that increases in your brain when you cant have something or someone....it increases your desire like an addiction. You need to recognize it and take measures to avoid it. That means NO CONTACT. Go away on a vacation or stay with a friend to encourage you to stop, poke yourself with a pin or pinch yourself hard every time you have the urge to talk to him. If that doesn't work get yourself into therapy, because there is something that keeps triggering it, like low self esteem, insecurity, depression, OCD.

[this.is.me]

Well its over. I told him if that if it really going to take that whole time for him to decide that was pretty much an answer in its self. Now I just need to deal with the fall out for me the best I can. The really hard part is all the friends we share, including me being good friends with his roommate. I am going to keep seeing lots of him when I go out since I currently have a somewhat limited group of friends, although I am trying to work on that.

After several hours of talking with him until I could get him to just give me a straight yes or no I spent the rest of the night on the phone with one of my few friends who does not know him. We kinda decided the reason I got so emotional this past week (because really this isn't me) if I just finally pulled all the boxes of stuff from when I was married out of storage and started unpacking. Seeing all the stuff, remembering that I had someone who adored me and would bend over backwards for me but I just was not able to commit myself to him, I never did cheat on him but I went out with friends as single all the time. I never wanted a relationship with my husband but he kept pushing and I gave in. This time it was the other way around and I guess I thought I could make it work for me.

My friend is helping me have a garage sale, get this stuff out of my life. I should have gotten rid of it a long time ago but I just packed it in boxes to deal with later. Its really almost like you can feel my failure at relationships every time you go to unpack something.

So yeah now I get to figure out how to deal with seeing him almost everytime I go out. If I avoid places he frequents I will also end up avoiding several good friends. I know next time he sees me he is going to try and give me a hug and I don't even know how I am going to deal with that.

[Wakeup]

You're making this much more difficult then it has to be. It's going to be ruff going for you for a little while so while you're coming to terms with your withdrawl from him, invite your friends to your home and entertain there for a while until you become a little more indifferent to him and his "hug." When you are starting to feel a little cabin fever then invite your friends to go some place where you know he'll not be. Surely you have girlfriends that could give a flying fk if they ever see him again or are you one of those girls that had no friends of her own so she "adopts" her new boyfriends?

[this.is.me]

I moved three months ago an hour away from the people I knew, a year before that I moved half way across the country away from everyone I knew. I simply do not know that many people. I met him through a group of friends that live around where I am now, so I didn't really take his friends it just worked out that way. I can't really be having be over since I live in a tiny efficiency apartment.

I am debating on the best way to deal with his roommate's upcoming girls night thing she is doing. Its just a little get together at the apartment with food and movies, but I kinda doubt she is kicking him out of the apartment for girls night. I think I am going to ask if I can bring my dog LOL, we keep saying I should bring him over since she has one about the same size. This way I will have someone who always loves me to cuddle up on the sofa with.

Just avoiding his just isn't really an option. Going to his home in a couple days I could probably skip but I want to see the other people who will be there.

Sitting around my apartment watching the same 20 movies I have seen 100 times also seems like a poor idea.

[smackie9]

You can selectively go out with these people on their own. They dont have to be with him ALL the time. Just make your own arrangements to go out with them, Im sure they will understand at this time you dont want him to be around.....there are ways around things. Also make new friends through your work or join a club. Why not invite one person over to you tiny place to watch a movie.....stop making excuses.....avoiding him can be done. this is only temporary anyways. In time you wont even care if you see him.

Tip: dont date anyone within your circle of friends or co-workers. There's enough BS to deal with when the end comes.