How important is sex in a relationship?

[chica]

HI everyone I have been dating a guy for a little over two months. We see each other about once every week because we live about an hour away from each other, and he has been very busy with work (he is getting his PhD). However, we talk on Skype/phone most nights. Soon, I will be in college again, and I will be about 3 hours away from him; I don't really know how often we will get to see each other.

Anyway, my boyfriend is not a virgin, but I am. However, whenever he tries to do more than what I am comfortable with, I freeze. I have moved extremely, extremely slow in past relationships. No one has ever touched my chest under the bra before. I know that he is frustrated because he wants to do more, but I am not ready for it.

I've felt very conflicted about this, because I'm starting to feel a little pressured. He usually backs off if I tell him I'm not okay with something, and he usually asks "Are you okay with this?" before doing it. But sometimes he will try to convince me to let him feel me up or something along those lines, but that just makes me want to back off more when he tells me "Come on..."

I feel frustrated because I have known this person for a relatively short period of time, and we are still in the process of establishing emotional intimacy. I don't want to wait for marriage, but I do want to wait until I feel comfortable with the person, and I probably wouldn't even consider sex before a year of dating. But that might change...I'm not really sure. And now I feel like there is something wrong with me for not being open to even let my boyfriend touch my chest....I feel like a little girl even though I'm 20 years old.

And my boyfriend is really sweet....he has done a lot of thoughtful things for me and has opened up emotionally to me. However, he has admitted that it is difficult for him to verbally express his emotions, but he shows his affection in other ways. But lately I notice him getting bored, and I wonder if it is because of the lack of physical intimacy. He has told me that he is unhappy about the lack of physical intimacy in our relationship, but that he is NOT unhappy in the relationship. I feel bad that he is unhappy, but I don't want to force myself to be ready either.

And I don't know if he is just horny or if it is really something more. I don't know if guys connect emotionally with girls during and after sex the same way that girl connect with guys.

So what do you think I should do regarding our different views on physical intimacy? Thanks!

[bigdaddy863]

wait if your not ready then dont let him presure you into doing it your a virgin and he might just be trying to take ur virginity and then he might leave and were are you left with a lot of hurt fellings and wondering why did u give up ur virginity to a dickhead . Im not saying he will leave but he might theres nothing wrong with waiting if he truely loves you it shouldent matter how long you wait he shouldent mind

[smackie9]

YES it is because there is no sex. To a guy YES sex plays a major role in a relationship. I cannot begin to describe the intensity of the sexual urges men feel......its off the charts, it can get their genitalia in a lot of pain if there hasn't been any release in awhile. They think about it 24-7.

You are 20, you've held off any kind of physical sexual contact for years....why? Are you religious and you feel guilt, why are you afraid of intimacy?

[smackie9]

Im not bashing you, but I am telling you a reality. It will take a particular guy to wait, especially a year......maybe you can find yourself a religious man with very high morals.

[Evo1114]

Can't blame him...he's probably sexually frustrated beyond what words can even describe! If he is so great, does all these things for you, opens up to you, etc. it would suck for him to leave because of the lack of intimacy. You don't have to let him stick it in you, but to not even let him feel you up even a tiny bit is torture! What else can he do for you to feel comfortable with him?

[Ric]

Sex is VERY important in a relationship. But, it's not the only very important thing in a relationship.
And, in the beginning of a relationship it shouldn't matter too much. Any guy that isn't willing to wait a few months is not deserving of the girl.
While I certainly wouldn't recommend waiting for years (I know I wouldn't wait that long for a girl to give it up), do take your time to be comfortable and ready.

And, you can gradually build it up. Dryhumping, handjobs, oral, letting him play with your breasts while making out, etc. Doesn't have to be full on intercourse right away.

*small edit because I seemed to have missed the not having sex until a year in.
Few guys are willing to wait that long. I'd only wait that long if I was really into the girl, and she would at least let me do some sexual stuff with her. And even then it's doubtful.
Without sex of any kind it would just seem like... a friendship. Take that into consideration.

[Cerby]

This guy won't wait a year for you, and most guys won't. I'm surprised he stuck it out 2 months, he must genuinely like you.

[Vanity]

OP, I just want to say you have my utmost respect for wanting to wait have sex until you know someone really well. You are not comfortable with having sex after only two months and he should respect that. Don't ever let a man talk you into something you do not want to do.

To everyone above who says most men won't wait a year to have sex, I am 17 and dating a 22 year old. Obviously we have not had sex as this would be illegal. I'm sure this is frustrating for him although he has never said so. We have been together for a year now. But because he loves me and wants to be with me he is okay with waiting. So OP, I would say while sex is important in a relationship, it is not something that should happen until both of you are ready. If he loves you he will wait, if he can't then he does not deserve to be with you.

[Ric]

OP, I just want to say you have my utmost respect for wanting to wait have sex until you know someone really well. You are not comfortable with having sex after only two months and he should respect that. Don't ever let a man talk you into something you do not want to do.

To everyone above who says most men won't wait a year to have sex, I am 17 and dating a 22 year old. Obviously we have not had sex as this would be illegal. I'm sure this is frustrating for him although he has never said so. We have been together for a year now. But because he loves me and wants to be with me he is okay with waiting. So OP, I would say while sex is important in a relationship, it is not something that should happen until both of you are ready. If he loves you he will wait, if he can't then he does not deserve to be with you.

Vanity, your experience does not cancel out the majority. We're giving her the heads up. Perhaps this guy is willing to wait multiple years for her. Perhaps he is sick of waiting in another 2 weeks.
The fact remains that few men, specially when dating women of legal age, are willing to wait that long before having physical contact. Physical contact with someone you love is more than just that, the emotional connection really counts for something. And that special emotional connection you can't get without the sex.
On top of that, from experience, I've seen men wait for a number of years for their girlfriend to finally give it up, in the meanwhile they were cheating left and right. Not condoning their cheating, just saying it's hard for most men to stay loyal if they don't get everything they need out of a relationship.

[Evo1114]

Sure, it is totally OK to wait, but you really have to have a guy who is really able to wait it out. But if the poor guy is genuinely suffering as it sounds this dude is, all the while sticking around and still trying his best to be a great boyfriend and make you happy, at least let him cop a little feel!

Some dudes probably can hold off a year. Some can't. If it were me, for example, I'd probably take my car and start running down old ladies on the road due to the insanity it would cause me.

But, again, that's just me. If he says he's bored, that tells me things aren't going so well. Boredom with a relationship is not a good thing.

[Vanity]

On top of that, from experience, I've seen men wait for a number of years for their girlfriend to finally give it up, in the meanwhile they were cheating left and right. Not condoning their cheating, just saying it's hard for most men to stay loyal if they don't get everything they need out of a relationship.

My boyfriend is definitely not cheating if that is what you are hinting at. But I am sure you are right, most men won't wait, but there men out there that will. You can achieve an emotional connection without having sex, or at least I feel that I have with my boyfriend. My situation is a little different than my OP's in many ways though, for example my boyfriend has "felt me up", but only when I asked him too.I have let him see me topless and done other "things". We are pushing the limits of a legal relationship, but have not done anything extreme (sex, oral sex, hand jobs etc.)

Maybe this is what makes it easier for my boyfriend to wait.

[Ric]

My boyfriend is definitely not cheating if that is what you are hinting at. But I am sure you are right, most men won't wait, but there men out there that will. You can achieve an emotional connection without having sex, or at least I feel that I have with my boyfriend. My situation is a little different than my OP's in many ways though, for example my boyfriend has "felt me up", but only when I asked him too.I have let him see me topless and done other "things". We are pushing the limits of a legal relationship, but have not done anything extreme (sex, oral sex, hand jobs etc.)

Maybe this is what makes it easier for my boyfriend to wait.

I did not intend to say that. Just intended to say that most men won't wait that long, and that many of those that seem to do snack a little on the side. Simply because waiting this long can be very frustrating.

Having a small form of sexual intimacy certainly does make the wait easier. For me, the most important intimacy is kissing. With the right girl I am willing to wait a long time with just kissing as intimacy. But, a year without going further would be hard.
And it's not just about not having sex. I can deal with not having sex. But, not having sex while you're very much in love and constantly have the woman of your affections so close to you... that's quite draining.
I'll still lose any respect for those that cheat, regardless of how long one has to wait, though.

[chica]

Wow, thanks everyone for the replies!

1) First of all, he never explicitly stated that he was bored, but he seems to act somewhat distant from me. However, he has also been under immense stress due to a deadline that he has to meet before visiting his home country (He is not from here) for a couple weeks. I think the time apart will be good for us to be able to 'refresh' our relationship, but he has been under a lot of stress lately.

2) Smackie, there are several reasons I haven't had sex yet. I'm agnostic, so it's not religious beliefs. But I do believe in getting to know someone well before jumping into bed with them. Also I come from a VERY conservative community and literally all of my close friends are virgins, so I guess that just seemed the norm (They plan to wait for marriage; I do not!). I have also done a lot of research about sex to inform myself, but I learned absolutely nothing from school or from my parents, so the topic still kind of scares me. A large number of girls got pregnant at my high school and I absolutely cannot have an unwanted pregnancy.

Also, I've always been perceived as the "good girl", so the thought of having sex makes me feel uneasy. Because of my upbringing, I do feel a little bit dirty when I think about being sexual with someone, even though I previously had thought that I had perceived my sexuality in a healthy way.

I am also terrified of getting my heart broken after sharing my virginity with someone. I know that the sexual bond creates a lot of emotions, and I would be absolutely devastated if a guy used me for sex....or worse, abandoned me if got pregnant (God forbid!). I have just seen too many people get hurt by giving their virginity to the wrong person

But is sex more than just physical for men too? I feel bad about withholding this intimate part of me from him, and I sense that it's harder for him to build intimacy without sexual acts (even small things, like feeling me up!). Men have told me that women fall in love and THEN have sex, but men oftentimes have sex and THEN fall in love. But I guess I'm just worried about taking that chance, and then the guy won't even fall in love. I would never be able to have sex without being able to say "I love you" afterwards. However, this is too much to ask for a lot of guys, or they fake their emotions in order to get sex :/ (There seem to be some guys who will say anything to get into a girl's pants.)

And my boyfriend doesn't seem like a man whore or anything...when I discuss my relucantance to do sexual things, he seems to take it personally (Like....Why don't you trust me yet? Why don't you feel comfortable?). He never asks me these questions to try to make me feel bad, but I think he thinks he's doing something wrong and maybe blames himself.

And I would hate to think "Oh I better give it up or else he'll cheat"

[Evo1114]

Your #2 above is what you should be telling him if you have not yet. If he knows WHY I think he could probably feel better about it, knowing it is not something he is doing wrong or not something like you are just friends.

[Boisdevie]

1. Chances are that the person who you sleep with will not end up being the love of your life.
2. Chances are that he will be feeling increasingly frustrated and he'll leave.
3. He wants sex, you don't = doomed relationship.