Is this nothing or something?

**Wakeup** · 02-09-11, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by Lulu

So we made a plan a week and a half ago via text to go out to "eat" tonight. I hadn't heard from him in a WEEK AND A HALF and at 4:30 today he texted, "Mexican food sound good?". I had made other plans so I just replied that I hadn't heard from him in a while and made plans to go to dinner with friends. He replied, "What? That stinks" and I said I am sorry. That was it. I hope I wasn't out of line but I felt that it wasn't really fair to get a hold of me so last minute to confirm a date that was made a week and a half ago. He never said anything after that. Guys: did I teach him a lesson in dating etiquette and respect or did I blow it completely for good- and maybe that is a GOOD thing??? Was that jerk behavior on his part?

I think what you did was appropriate for his actions. Only thing I would have done differently is I would have picked up the phone and actually told him that "I felt that it wasn't really fair to get a hold of me so last minute to confirm a date that was made a week and a half ago" and that I figured since I didn't hear from him he wasn't going to follow through so I made other plans.

Then I would have stopped talking and let him either explain or hang himself.

Anyway, I'm thinking if he cares, he will try to reschedule with you. If he doesn't, then you're better off without him and it's best you find that out now.

**IndiReloaded** · 02-09-11, 02:06 PM

Originally Posted by Lulu

So we made a plan a week and a half ago via text to go out to "eat" tonight. I hadn't heard from him in a WEEK AND A HALF and at 4:30 today he texted, "Mexican food sound good?". I had made other plans so I just replied that I hadn't heard from him in a while and made plans to go to dinner with friends. He replied, "What? That stinks" and I said I am sorry. That was it.

Good for you. I don't see anything wrong w/your parting 'I'm sorry'. It says you are sorry you didn't connect and shows you have class. Certainly more than him, he didn't apologize for leaving it so last minute, did he? Ball was in his court, he dropped, his loss. Perfectly handled, don't contact him further.

**Lulu** · 02-09-11, 10:34 PM

THANK YOU GUYS! I really appreciate your input!

**searock** · 02-09-11, 10:58 PM

...Or maybe he was busy and didn't think it was necessary to call you before, and thought you were ok with it? I think you should be clear with him that you are not. Did he reply after you said you were sorry?

**Andariel** · 02-09-11, 11:18 PM

I think your response was courteous and very appropriate.He can't possibly expect you to wait by the phone until he decides to confirm!Him confirming a few hours prior to what was supposed to be your date is really bad manners and shows that he is really self-centered and does not take you into account. I am glad you showed him that you are not willing to put up with this BS and that if he wants to see you he should ensure that he contacts you in advance and confirm well in advance, otherwise he just won't get to see you because after all you do have a life and your world does not revolve around him.

I also find him not contacting you for a week after you had sex extremely offensive and a sign that this guy is bad news. I wouldn't bother contacting him again. If he contacts you and you want to meet him, make sure that you do make it clear that you are looking for a committed relationship and that based on his behaviour you believe this is not what his is looking for and therefore you don't see any point in meeting again.If he protests and from that point on he starts acting like a gentleman (ie. contacting you daily, making plans and sticking to them etc) then go ahead and date him.Otherwise, he is not worth your time.Plenty of fish in the sea! ;-)

**searock** · 02-09-11, 11:33 PM

Maybe he honestly thought that, considered she seems to be quite a strong, independent, busy woman, it might have come off as clingy or weak to call her or something? I am just trying to find a possible explanation - which would obviously not count as an excuse - for his lack of manners. Maybe he felt "intimidated" or something, and thought he was actually being respectful in not contacting her unless "strictly necessary"?

**Wakeup** · 02-09-11, 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by searock

Maybe he honestly thought that, considered she seems to be quite a strong, independent, busy woman, it might have come off as clingy or weak to call her or something? I am just trying to find a possible explanation - which would obviously not count as an excuse - for his lack of manners. Maybe he felt "intimidated" or something, and thought he was actually being respectful in not contacting her unless "strictly necessary"?

Well, we teach people how to treat us and up until they had sex that is exactly how he treated her and she didn't say anything about it then so perhaps you're a bit right on that, searock? I suspect that not being available he got the hint but like men, there are lots of women in the sea too and this one may just go fishing again. If he does then he's just in it for what he can get from who will give it to him. If he actually was looking forward to getting to know her better and progress their dates to something more then he will make other plans with her and will have learned that she's not happy with the amount of contact. In any event I'm thinking both of them may have learned something out of this. JMO.

**bulrush** · 03-09-11, 12:05 AM

I'm a guy and I think your response was appropriate. He should not do these last-minute plans with you too much. If he does, it shows you are not his first priority. I mean sometimes if his night opens up, he might ask you out, but he shouldn't do this frequently.

**Wakeup** · 03-09-11, 12:10 AM

Originally Posted by bulrush

I'm a guy and I think your response was appropriate. He should not do these last-minute plans with you too much. If he does, it shows you are not his first priority. I mean sometimes if his night opens up, he might ask you out, but he shouldn't do this frequently.

Well, he did it until she told him not to and now it remains to be seen if he will call her to reschedule. As I said, we teach people how to treat us. Up until they had sex, OP didn't seem to mind that he didn't call her to confirm until the day they were going to meet. In this day and age of unattached sexual eperiences and fk em and chuck em a person has to literally spell it out how they want it to be and if the other doesn't agree then decide to accept what you get or get out.

I'm just repeating because I don't want OP to online date and expect things should be one way without voicing her wants/needs/expectations. After sex talks these days should include "so what now?" or the gal has to at least book another date herself with a "would you like to come over for dinner next "Tuesday, I'd love to cook for you?" Sex is easily come by now a days so you have to make it seem like you have more to offer than anyone else. JMO

In any event we all agree that it's not very gentlemanly behaviour.

**Lulu** · 03-09-11, 12:26 AM

I wasn't online dating... and I am not just looking for sex. If he is then I don't want him anyways. I have a lot to offer but if he isn't looking for sex only, he will take the time to find that out about me. AND he should be concerned about showing me what he has to offer, too.

One thing I don't have to offer is great cooking skills! This one-hundred year old woman once gave me advice on how to find a man- she said, "If you don't know how to cook, you will never find a husband". But I can MAKE money to order great take out!

**searock** · 03-09-11, 12:28 AM

Did you set up another date?

**Lulu** · 03-09-11, 12:40 AM

No way! Waiting to see if he ever texts or calls again. Chasing after him at this point would counteract any of the groundwork that I am laying for him to be a stand up, respectful man toward me. He has some really great qualities but I need these qualities in a partner regardless. And I HAVE learned a lesson from all of this! Never put myself in a situation where I am alone with a very attractive man, a bottle of wine, a full moon and a fire on a deserted beach in nothing but a bikini... I obviously lack some self control in situations like these!

**searock** · 03-09-11, 12:45 AM

Have you considered the possibility that he didn't think it was disrespectful to not contact you more often?

**Lulu** · 03-09-11, 12:52 AM

It's not that- it is just that he waited a week after sex- then another week and a half after setting up plans by text to see each other again. Then never even bothering to get in contact until an hour before he wanted to see me. It just seems like a man should have enough common sense at age 35 to be courteous/respectful enough to confirm a date and to keep some momentum going between us. I don't know... I hope that I am not sabotaging a potentially great relationship. I just want to be clear on who I am and what is appropriate without sounding like a bossy woman or his mother. Actions speak louder than words, right?

**searock** · 03-09-11, 12:56 AM

Perhaps... but I think that it's always better to make things crystal clear - especially when you're communicating with men.

What I mean is that maybe you should explain explicitly your discomfort at not being contacted until the same day of the date, tell him you don't like this sort of behavior (without being aggressive, cause maybe he really didn't even think it might have bothered you at all) and see how he reacts.

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