Is this nothing or something?

**Lulu** · 03-09-11, 01:01 AM

Okay- if that is what you think is the right thing to do, exactly how would I phrase all of that without sounding needy/bossy an entire day after the fact; all via text? I don't know if that is really a smart move....????

**searock** · 03-09-11, 01:07 AM

Hmm how about something like "Hey, I'm sorry for last night but I was a bit taken aback since I was expecting to hear more from you and I thought you might have forgotten about the date. No hard feelings I hope

" (english is not my native language, just something along those lines that doesn't sound weird lol). He'll be "nudged" towards an apology himself, and you'll also bring up the communication issue, as well as the possibility of setting up another date... I dunno!

**Wakeup** · 03-09-11, 01:10 AM

Originally Posted by Lulu

Okay- if that is what you think is the right thing to do, exactly how would I phrase all of that without sounding needy/bossy an entire day after the fact; all via text? I don't know if that is really a smart move....????

Why would you give a flying fk if you sound needy or bossy? This is your sexual and emotional well being we are talking about here and if you don't look after yourself, you will be repeating this again in your future.

After the second date I would simply have said can you give me a call mid week, or I'll call you if you're cool with that. I feel like we're just ships passing in the night with zero contact between dates" If he didn't call me then I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT HE'S DOUCHE and I don't want anything else to do with him.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you woman are worried about looking bad to strangers and are afraid to look after your own well being. Men are quite simple. They either do what you want (within reason) or they don't. What they do indeed do tells you how they value you. Don't be desperate by not looking after YOU and catering to someone who isn't showing you that they value you... it will get you where it hurts every bloody time.

**Wakeup** · 03-09-11, 01:19 AM

Further to above:

Originally Posted by Lulu

I wasn't online dating... and I am not just looking for sex. If he is then I don't want him anyways. I have a lot to offer but if he isn't looking for sex only, he will take the time to find that out about me. AND he should be concerned about showing me what he has to offer, too.

One thing I don't have to offer is great cooking skills! This one-hundred year old woman once gave me advice on how to find a man- she said, "If you don't know how to cook, you will never find a husband". But I can MAKE money to order great take out!

Well, I'm half her age and I agree with her. lol

P.S. Sorry for the assumption that you met online. . . It just so had the ring of an online thing.

**raptor5618** · 03-09-11, 02:31 AM

Stick to telling him how his not calling makes you feel as well as when he did not call after sex etc. If you stick to how his actions make you feel there is no way that it can be interpreted as bossy or even needy. For it to work he has to provide the emotional things that you need or you will just be settling. You would not be accusing him of anything nor asking him to act in any particular way. A simple think like "when only call me every other week it makes me feel {fill in the blank}. An I do mean feel as in feelings like hurt, insecure, scared or what ever it is that you feel. I feel you are an idiot is not a feeling, it is a thought and an accusation.

It is pointless to tell someone how you want them to act because for one they feel like you are being critical of how they act, and secondly they may do it just to appease you which ultimately leads to feelings of resentment.

Just tell him how you feel and if he asks tell him what kinds of things you need from the relationship. But do not do it having any preconceived notion of what he will say or do. You also cannot express it in a way that you think will make him act in a particular way. Accept the consequences as if he cannot give you what you want he may walk away and really that would be best. If he did not realize and does not want to make you feel bad he will alter his actions and possibly be more of what you want and need.

It really is best to focus on what you need and if you are actually getting what you want to stick with a relationship. It might not be everything but are the bad things bad enough that it is time to move on. It really does not matter if his actions are not really bad, all that matters is that they consist of the types of things you need. He could be a great guy and nice and funny and good looking and never treat you bad but if he is not acting in ways that you can accept you need to move on.

**IndiReloaded** · 03-09-11, 04:17 AM

Originally Posted by searock

Have you considered the possibility that he didn't think it was disrespectful to not contact you more often?

Then he's a idiot. A week and a half and no follow up text or call? Working people do have things that come up. Any person with sense would touch base w/a simple "so, we still on for tomorrow/Wed, right?". 24-48 hrs prior would be reasonable for confirming a date b/t busy people, particularly if you actually like said person.

He couldn't be bothered, which means she shouldnt be bothered by him. This is not rocket science.

**IndiReloaded** · 03-09-11, 04:23 AM

Originally Posted by raptor5618

Stick to telling him how his not calling makes you feel as well as when he did not call after sex etc. If you stick to how his actions make you feel there is no way that it can be interpreted as bossy or even needy.

What you guys are suggesting is ridiculous. She has no investment in this guy. His lack of social graces is his problem. Why should she waste her time polishing a turd? The fact she has brushed him off for poor manners should be enough if the guy has any sense. If he doesn't, again, why would she want to bother?

I never had this particular problem when I dated (years ago), but what I lack in recent experience I made up for in efficiency back then. A guy who has obvious asshole tendencies or intellectual deficits should be immediately dropped. Let some woman who gets a sense of self-worth from patching up strays work on these kinds of guys. Its a waste of time for women with better things to do.

**Laren** · 03-09-11, 05:49 AM

Baby girl

his playing you like a violen, Idk if girls like that but
After that much disrespect I would dump him quick.

And you both are to old to be playing these silly little games, this relationship is a joke and your the pawn.

**searock** · 03-09-11, 06:47 AM

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

Then he's a idiot. A week and a half and no follow up text or call? Working people do have things that come up. Any person with sense would touch base w/a simple "so, we still on for tomorrow/Wed, right?". 24-48 hrs prior would be reasonable for confirming a date b/t busy people, particularly if you actually like said person.

He couldn't be bothered, which means she shouldnt be bothered by him. This is not rocket science.

I agree that his behavior itself was disrespectful and senseless. But consider that, before they had sex, it's not like they had been hearing each other much between a date and the other, either. Perhaps he was assuming that it just would've kept going like that, and that on the other hand calling her more might have come off as clingy/disrespectful or whatever. So yes, he should have called earlier on to confirm the date. But if he thought it would have been something that might have actually bothered her or something... that would explain it (not excuse it).

**IndiReloaded** · 03-09-11, 07:35 AM

So? As you said, explanations aren't excuses. You're basically saying he was a jerk before so she should expect (and accept) he's a jerk now? LOL.

If he's into her, he will contact her. Unless he's too stupid to pick up on her very clear signal he was disrespectful. Either way, why should she spend another second thinking about this guy when there are many others who actually know this very basic element of human interaction?

**searock** · 03-09-11, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

So? As you said, explanations aren't excuses. You're basically saying he was a jerk before so she should expect (and accept) he's a jerk now? LOL.

What I'm saying is that she never complained about his behavior before they had sex, then why should she expect a different behavior after they had it? It's actually possible that he thought she didn't like being contacted often, or something. Otherwise she would have brought up the issue at least once, right?

If he's into her, he will contact her. Unless he's too stupid to pick up on her very clear signal he was disrespectful. Either way, why should she spend another second thinking about this guy when there are many others who actually know this very basic element of human interaction?

Agreed. But if she is into him, she might as well give him a chance and clarify this communication problem thing. It's what I would do, at any rate: there really is nothing to lose. If he keeps acting like a jerk, she'll lose nothing. On the other hand, if she does nothing and never hears from him again, she'll never know what she might have lost.

**IndiReloaded** · 03-09-11, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by searock

What I'm saying is that she never complained about his behavior before they had sex, then why should she expect a different behavior after they had it? It's actually possible that he thought she didn't like being contacted often, or something. Otherwise she would have brought up the issue at least once, right?

Wrong. Again, it doesn't matter. Must be my online accent making this point difficult to understand:

She's not obligated to explain anything about behaviour that is unacceptable. She's not his mother, nor wife, or even his GF. Her obligation is only to recognize his bad behaviour (or lack of good behaviour in this case) and make the choice for herself that she isn't interested in a guy that doesn't get it.

If he is going to modify his own good manners to suit a girl b/c thinks she 'doesn't like being contacted often', then he's a fool. But I doubt that is the case, and I think you are given him credit where none is due. People of good taste know better than to do what he did. He should be lucky she even pointed it out to him, so he can mbe avoid it with the next girl. There are many people (myself included) who would have simply ignored his call and never contacted him again.

**Lulu** · 03-09-11, 08:26 AM

Okay- I will NOT text or call him. With that being said, do you think he will ever get a hold of me again? Men: If a woman did that to you with those circumstances, would it pique your curiosity and make you want to get a hold of her again or would you think she is a @#$*& and never speak with her again?

**Wakeup** · 03-09-11, 10:29 AM

You know it would just be easy for Lulu to never contact or care about his disresepeccting ass if she hadn't gone to bed with him. For most women that changes things and that is why you have to teach people how you want to be treated because if you don't and you give them more than they are giving you or, you change the rules mid-stream then it is Lulu (the general lulu) who cares. This guy probably doesn't give a flying fk one way or the other because (unfortunately) there are a lot of woman that won't say anything and he'll still get laid.

Lulu... I suspect in two weeks (as is the norm) he will contact you again via text and ask you out. If you go... disucuss with him how no contact except the day of makes you feel and see if he values you enough to change it up. I'd not call him though. If you do you'll never know if he's just going cause you're offering or if he's asking cause he really wants to. Let him do the pursuing at this point. IMO

She's not obligated to explain anything about behaviour that is unacceptable.

She's not "obligated" but she will if she wants to get what she wants. She also will if she wants to see him again and be respected which by the sounds of things she does want to see him again. Sex changes things and once a chick has sex, it seems most care more when they have whether or not he calls again than they would if they hadn't.

**Evo1114** · 03-09-11, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by Lulu

Okay- I will NOT text or call him. With that being said, do you think he will ever get a hold of me again? Men: If a woman did that to you with those circumstances, would it pique your curiosity and make you want to get a hold of her again or would you think she is a @#$*& and never speak with her again?

I would think to myself...

"Damn, I'm a ****ing asshole who just lost my booty call. She was smart to stop talking to me. Although it sucks that now she can move on and find somebody who will treat her right, which is what she deserves. But maybe she'll be dumb and come crawling back to me someday."

Who cares what he thinks. Forget about this guy.

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