How Do Stop Sabotaging Myself?

[superwoman2011]

Hi all,

I have problem getting into a relationship, my last one was 4 years ago.

I have spotted a recurring pattern among my failures.

1. I start being friendly to a girl who I didn't initially thought romantically about
2. Girl expresses some interest to me
3. I start to like her because I enjoy the attention
4. We begin to flirt
5. ???
6. I start to ignore her for some reason
7. Over


I don't know what exactly what happened in step 5. It could be that I found flirting is fun and didn't want to take(risk) it to the next stage.It could be that I didn't initiate anything to the girl so the girl got bored. It could also be that I start to wonder "why does/would she like me?". I tend to put up an outgoing persona but that's just my shell. I started to think "will they still like me if they know the real me?". I don't know!

I also have a big problem that I like anyone who likes me. In fact, the two relationships I had was initiated because the girls seemed to like me. Sure, I found them cute but didn't thought about them romantically until I sensed that they like me.

Could you please help me? I sense that I might have some internal blockage which I subconsciously try to sabotage any potential relationship.

[devonbrown]

I also have a big problem that I like anyone who likes me.

You have already identified your problem. And step five is you figuring out that you aren't really that interested in them.

It is one thing to enjoy attention. It is another thing to start leading people on by dating them if you aren't interested in them.

So before you start dating someone, think about whether you like them romantically or not. If you can't answer the question, or if your answer is no, then just turn down the dating opportunities and keep searching for people who you like.

Good luck.

[Mathias]

Hi all,

I have problem getting into a relationship, my last one was 4 years ago.

I have spotted a recurring pattern among my failures.

1. I start being friendly to a girl who I didn't initially thought romantically about
2. Girl expresses some interest to me
3. I start to like her because I enjoy the attention
4. We begin to flirt
5. ???

6. Profit.

[Rabbitt]

6. Is your problem, you are ignoring her obviously not essentially a bad thing but when you try to play hard to get because let's be honest that's what reels in succes but when she calls like 30 times and you never pick up thats a problem.


I have the same problem only the girls that like me and make an effort to be with me I don't really respond to, the girls that are hard for me to get are the ones I end up liking.

It apperently is fear of commitment, I kinda looked it up on the internet and I can recognize myself in it and I think you have it too.


My last ''official'' relationship was 3 years ago so we're nearly the same

[superwoman2011]

You have already identified your problem. And step five is you figuring out that you aren't really that interested in them.

It is one thing to enjoy attention. It is another thing to start leading people on by dating them if you aren't interested in them.

So before you start dating someone, think about whether you like them romantically or not. If you can't answer the question, or if your answer is no, then just turn down the dating opportunities and keep searching for people who you like.

Good luck.

Thanks Devon. I think I need to sort out what I really want.

[superwoman2011]

6. Is your problem, you are ignoring her obviously not essentially a bad thing but when you try to play hard to get because let's be honest that's what reels in succes but when she calls like 30 times and you never pick up thats a problem.


I have the same problem only the girls that like me and make an effort to be with me I don't really respond to, the girls that are hard for me to get are the ones I end up liking.

It apperently is fear of commitment, I kinda looked it up on the internet and I can recognize myself in it and I think you have it too.


My last ''official'' relationship was 3 years ago so we're nearly the same

6. Is your problem, you are ignoring her obviously not essentially a bad thing but when you try to play hard to get because let's be honest that's what reels in succes but when she calls like 30 times and you never pick up thats a problem.


I have the same problem only the girls that like me and make an effort to be with me I don't really respond to, the girls that are hard for me to get are the ones I end up liking.

It apperently is fear of commitment, I kinda looked it up on the internet and I can recognize myself in it and I think you have it too.


My last ''official'' relationship was 3 years ago so we're nearly the same

I guess I had taken "playing hard-to-get" to the extreme and became emotionally cold. I think the 2nd thing is the fear of going into an actual relationship. Sure, it's fun flirting, push and pull, and enjoying some childish moments. But taking it to the actual relationship stage frightens me. To be honest, I don't even know how it works.

I have been reflecting a lot while writing this post. I think one important reason that prevented me from seriously pursuing anyone was that I wasn't sure if the girl will take the relationship seriously and share the similar attitude to relationship.

When I was teen, my mind was still innocent so I could jump into a relationship without any holdbacks. But now, after reading stories by women, I realized that not everyone will have a serious attitude toward a relationship.


I know this might not contribute to the topic but I feel compelled to share this story:

I met D in my class, and we were assigned the same project group. When I first introduced myself to her, she seemed cold. I thought to myself "hmmm this person doesn't seem to like me." One day while we were working in the same room, she commented on my BlackBerry "Where is your cover?". I found that comment pretty peculiar because even though I lost the rubber cover the night before at a party, I wouldn't expect anyone to even notice that. I wasn't even sure if she saw my phone before. From that point on, my attitude shifted from "She does not seem to like me" to "hmm interesting."

Over the next week or so, we began to build connections. She began to trust me and revealed a lot of herself to me, even some of the vulnerable aspects. One story particular story is that she was bullied when she was in kindergarten and had to drop out. D said: "I was such a good little girl that was nice to everyone. I don't know why would they bully me." I was really touched by this comment. I was also surprised because D appeared to be a strong and extroverted person.

While D trusted me and revealed a lot to me, I didn't really reciprocate. We actually shared a lot of similarity but I chose not to admit/reveal to her. When I come to think about it, D is probably the most compatible girl I've met in years. We even share the weird interesting of watching documentaries.

Anyway, I think our connection began to sizzle down after one incident. On Sunday night, we drove back to university together: I was home for the weekend and she just flied back from an interview in London. Once we are back to university town, she invited me over for wine and cheese. I turned it down because I have some assignment due the next day, was quite tired after a long drive (it was 11-12am already), and I can't have fun on a Sunday night. It wasn't meant to be a rejection on my part. However, I'm not sure how she took it.

After that, our communication seemed to broke down. Over the next few days, I msged her but didn't get much of a reply (my memory is fuzzy about this). But what I'm sure about is on her birthday, I sent her multiple happy birthday message but she didn't get back to me 3 days later. After that, I decided to withdraw from her. I still acknowledged her in class but otherwise just ignored her. Over the next semester, we had the same class together. She actually sat right behind me but I did not look at her or spoke to her at all in 4 months of that class.

Finally, the school year was over. D packed her back and left the country. Till this day, I still wonder If I had missed someone who I could make a real connection with.

When you read my story, it may sound that I'm ignoring D because it was her fault. However, I believe the real cause is over-sensitivity on my part. She did try to talk to me in class but I just brushed it off and acted "emo".

Now for a real question. I'm actually in Stockholm for 5 months. Theoretically, I can visit her in London. Do you think I should message her if she wants to hang out? However, I think it could be awkward. What is your opinion?

[Rabbitt]

After reading you're post I can really find myself in your position, I think it's worth a shot just trying to contact her. See if it works out, because alot of people here will say this and that all kinds of negative stuff like oh you gotta walk away or you should go see a therapist! I'm not into that tbh. When you're in bed just reflect on it on everything that causes you to well... fail at relationships and try to adjust that, it won't be like oh 1 2 3 i'm done it'll take some time.

I also suggest taking it very slow, I myself try to avoid having sex with the person I like for atleast 1 month while I am officialy having a relationship. Her being my girlfriend that is.

From what I can judge about her move towards you is that she was very cautious and she hoped that you'd come over. I believe she took it as a rejection and it was hard on her because she seems like a very careful person.


Just go for it, here in the Netherlands we have a saying: If you didn't take the shot it will count as a miss.

Just make sure you take it slow and take time to grow feelings I am pretty much the same as you it takes time for me to get feelings and if you skip 1 2 3 4 5 and go straight to bed step 6 will be showing the door to the person involved. Also try to explain to the girl why you couldn't come over and perhaps how you would have liked it to spend that evening together eating cheese and drinking wine.

You definatly need to sort this out with yourself because otherwise you might add another 3-4 years till you get a meaningful relationship. (as do I btw).

Also being persistent in getting what you want helped in my case, I discovered that I can develop feelings but has to be in the cards. I'm a very difficult person and I definatly require a manual in order to become a boyfriend. Unfortunatly for me lots of girls don't like manuals. Can't say I blame them.

[superwoman2011]

After reading you're post I can really find myself in your position, I think it's worth a shot just trying to contact her. See if it works out, because alot of people here will say this and that all kinds of negative stuff like oh you gotta walk away or you should go see a therapist! I'm not into that tbh. When you're in bed just reflect on it on everything that causes you to well... fail at relationships and try to adjust that, it won't be like oh 1 2 3 i'm done it'll take some time.

I also suggest taking it very slow, I myself try to avoid having sex with the person I like for atleast 1 month while I am officialy having a relationship. Her being my girlfriend that is.

From what I can judge about her move towards you is that she was very cautious and she hoped that you'd come over. I believe she took it as a rejection and it was hard on her because she seems like a very careful person.


Just go for it, here in the Netherlands we have a saying: If you didn't take the shot it will count as a miss.

Just make sure you take it slow and take time to grow feelings I am pretty much the same as you it takes time for me to get feelings and if you skip 1 2 3 4 5 and go straight to bed step 6 will be showing the door to the person involved. Also try to explain to the girl why you couldn't come over and perhaps how you would have liked it to spend that evening together eating cheese and drinking wine.

You definatly need to sort this out with yourself because otherwise you might add another 3-4 years till you get a meaningful relationship. (as do I btw).

Also being persistent in getting what you want helped in my case, I discovered that I can develop feelings but has to be in the cards. I'm a very difficult person and I definatly require a manual in order to become a boyfriend. Unfortunatly for me lots of girls don't like manuals. Can't say I blame them.

Thanks Rabbit. Your post is very insightful. I agree that I need to fix my internal issues first. I came to realize that many issues are internal instead of my environment. I can have 10 different people in 10 different countries and still experience the same problem. I'm reading a book by John Welwood "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships".

It's weird that my attitude toward relationship is more like women than men. LOL my life will be so much easier if I don't have these complex feelings and just behave like a regular guy.

Lastly, what do you mean by persistent? Do you mean persistent in pursuing a person or persistent in improving yourself?

[IndiReloaded]

You have already identified your problem. And step five is you figuring out that you aren't really that interested in them.

It is one thing to enjoy attention. It is another thing to start leading people on by dating them if you aren't interested in them.

So before you start dating someone, think about whether you like them romantically or not. If you can't answer the question, or if your answer is no, then just turn down the dating opportunities and keep searching for people who you like.

Thanks Devon. I think I need to sort out what I really want.

The only thing I would add to Devon's excellent post is that you need to consider more than whether there is romantic attraction. At the risk of sounding calculating, you need a 'shopping list' of what Good Partner looks like to you. Not the perfect partner by any means, but your basic needs regarding looks, intellect, ambition, personality... these are things that can be determined reasonably quickly early in the dating arena. Drop the ones you know don't fit, you'll be doing her a favour as much as yourself.