Should I tell?

**upandaway** · 28-08-11, 05:25 AM

Gentlemen I would like your opinions on a matter that is causing me so much anxiety that I get physically sick over it. Years ago, during a rough patch in life I was an escort (not a street hooker). I didnt do this long, and I made good money, enough money to get me over the rough patch and onto a new profession, a REAL profession. I will never go back to prostitution, ever. Its not even a remote possibility.

So tell it to me straight men. Is this something I should be obligated to tell? Would you be disgusted (though appreciative) if a lady you thought was some decent woman told you that the last time she had sex was for money, even if it was many years ago? Do you think knowing this would affect how you treated her, maybe even just on a subconscious level? Or is this something that is my business and only to be shared at my discretion?

**Ric** · 28-08-11, 06:09 AM

Personally it doesn't bother me one bit. But, I am very open-minded. I'd appreciate it if I was told such a thing. However, I am someone who likes to know everything about who he is dating, without any judgement. I like to understand what she has been through to better understand her.

Not every guy is like me. Many would be put off by prostitutes, even if they don't do it anymore. For many guys this is fun for a casual relationship, but not for a real one.

A few points.
You are in no way obligated to tell him. It's your business, it's from a life in which he wasn't a part. It's perfectly ok to tell him if you want to, but he has no rights to know every part of your past.

Ask yourself, do you want to live with this secret? You're already feeling physically ill over it. Do you think that would make it better if everyone told you to keep it to yourself?
Then also ask yourself... do you want to be with a guy that can't accept your past?

**Wakeup** · 28-08-11, 06:24 AM

I'm not a guy but if I had been an excort then I'd get that out there soon enough. I'd want to know if the guy I'm dating is a ****tard or not and if he held my past against me then he'd not be the one for me. If you were one now, then he should of course be concerned.. We all need to be with compatible partners and if he'd hold that against me then we'd not be of a kindred mind-set for it to last long anyway. Might as well figure that out before emotions are involved full force.

I have no place in my life for men who will have fk buddies or one night stands and then turn their nose up at them and never consider them as relationship material (whether there's money exchanging hands or not is irrelevant).

**Rollingwithlife** · 28-08-11, 06:35 AM

I'd say if you're considering a serious relationship, you should probably put it out there, but make sure to provide your explanation for it. Most everything in life is circumstantial, so if it can be justified given the situation, at least in the eye of the beholder, I think he will be able to look past it. While it may look like a negative situation, it may also weed out the guys who refuse to be accepting of such details about you.

**Vanessa** · 28-08-11, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

I'm not a guy but if I had been an excort then I'd get that out there soon enough. I'd want to know if the guy I'm dating is a ****tard or not and if he held my past against me then he'd not be the one for me. If you were one now, then he should of course be concerned.. We all need to be with compatible partners and if he'd hold that against me then we'd not be of a kindred mind-set for it to last long anyway. Might as well figure that out before emotions are involved full force.

I have no place in my life for men who will have fk buddies or one night stands and then turn their nose up at them and never consider them as relationship material (whether there's money exchanging hands or not is irrelevant).

Ditto. I'd want to be with someone who accepts me for who I am completely plus I wouldn't want them to find out from someone else, and if it were the other way round, I wouldn't judge or treat them differently but I wouldn't forgive finding out from another person. I think you should tell if you want to start a relationship with someone and if that person starts being judgmental or treating you differently it means they're a closed-minded prick and they're not the one for you.

**upandaway** · 28-08-11, 08:00 AM

What you all are saying makes a lot of sense. I still cant picture how I would even broach the subject. I dont want to keep avoiding relationships and sex because I cant bare to tell, but I am not sure I can actually make the words come out of my mouth.

**Rollingwithlife** · 28-08-11, 09:06 AM

Well, just talk about who you are and what you've been through, and as casually as possible bring it up from there I think. I know it's hard to face the judgement of others for many of us (including myself), but think of it like you're drawing in the people you want to surround yourself with - being upfront and honest is admirable, especially regarding uncomfortable subjects.

To be fair, I think there are certain actions in the past that would taint someone's image depending on exactly what/when it happened, but I really don't think this is one of those situations.

**Lulu** · 28-08-11, 11:59 AM

I am surprised! You don't think that prostitution is something that would be categorized as something that would taint an image of someone?! Wow- we set the bar pretty low these days...I suppose no one knows unless they are in your shoes but none of us have been and we don't know why you had to do it in the first place. It is just that it is so extreme and makes me wonder what drove you to it? Are you working your way through college and wanted to be able to afford Prada or are you a poor single mother that has absolutely no support and had to feed her children? HUGE DIFFERENCE!

**vashti** · 28-08-11, 12:09 PM

If you are disease-free, and unlikely to ever run into one of your johns, I wouldn't ever mention it. Men SAY they can handle the truth, but they usually can't.

**upandaway** · 28-08-11, 03:12 PM

I agree, this absolutely IS one of those issues that taints the image of someone, and it IS extreme. I have some pretty severe intimacy issues (if that wasn't obvious already) so it wasn't that far out of my moral bounds to do. I don't know that the details of 'why' really make a huge difference in the long run. I understand there is a difference between someone out hooking to pay for drugs, and hooking just to get by (aside from a few hundred dollars difference), but in general when telling someone I am sure they would feel however they would feel, no matter what the reason was. My reasons for doing it were varied, though drugs were not a factor. The 'whys' are just a whole other can of worms that I don't want to get into here and now.

I also agree that regarding sex stuff especially, men say they can handle the truth but they cant, and I am not even talking about something of this magnitude either.

**Lulu** · 28-08-11, 11:32 PM

The first thing he will want to know is "WHY???". That would be important to me... Just be aware that you will get that question.

**JAY76** · 29-08-11, 12:06 AM

i would rather know about it asap from you, it could really damage your relationship if you hide it x

**Wakeup** · 29-08-11, 02:18 AM

Originally Posted by Lulu

I am surprised! You don't think that prostitution is something that would be categorized as something that would taint an image of someone?! Wow- we set the bar pretty low these days...I suppose no one knows unless they are in your shoes but none of us have been and we don't know why you had to do it in the first place. It is just that it is so extreme and makes me wonder what drove you to it? Are you working your way through college and wanted to be able to afford Prada or are you a poor single mother that has absolutely no support and had to feed her children? HUGE DIFFERENCE!

Why is it a huge difference? You gotta pick a value here Lulu. Either your totally disgusted or you're fine with it. No "it's okay if you were this, but it's not okay if you were that" business.

What is more disgusting to you: A woman who has had several casual sexual partners, a plethora of one night stands from the bar she frequents and often allows men to do her without protection or; An escort who never goes without protection, gets checked out regularily for STD's and happens to get paid for her one night stands?

OT: I would think that any man who has had lots of casual sex and has been with an escort would likely judge you less than a Christian man who has had very few partners and judged a womans value by her chastity or lack there of.

**Phoenix23** · 29-08-11, 02:52 AM

I might worry about STDs, but otherwise I wouldn't judge you for something you put behind you in your past.

Some guys would let it bother them, but maybe you don't want to be with that type of person.

**IncognitoSir** · 29-08-11, 02:57 AM

Bottom line is your past may not be who you are, but it indeed did make you into the person you are now. In a committed relationship you would generally want to be completely transparent with your partner yes? This would need to be discussed between you and your mate in my opinion. You said it yourself, you have intimacy issues, and probably relationship issues in general. What guy is going to date you and try to work with you through all this issues and not ask you WHY you have these issues? Anyways, if he loves you, I mean actually loves you, it won't matter. I dated someone who had done this and much much more. She told me one night, I didn't get angry or scream at her. I loved her more for the person she had became from her past experiences. So, although most men can't handle the truth as someone said, some men can.

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