Just met this girl yesterday, how to proceed?

[Rollingwithlife]

Like I said though, you need to find a therapist that's right for you - one therapist's approach doesn't account for all other therapists out there, as convenient as that generalization would be to make. I also think you're jumping the gun in feeling like a therapist should be getting you attention from women/get you a girlfriend, if they're even hoping to help you out. Many things in life require you to take the necessary steps for you to get where you want to be, and in this case, it's changing your negative outlook on your life before you can even begin to attract the interest of others. As long as you continue to sound depressed/desperate, you will continue to push many people away from you, so we're trying to achieve the opposite effect here by attempting to fix that. Though no one will ever be perfect no matter how positive they may be, dwelling over your flaws and failures will only really do you unnecessary additional harm, like it is now.

[searock]

I don't think a therapist is going to be able to help because all they can do is try to convince me my problem isn't as bad as I thought. I know because I've been before a few years ago about other things. I also know that it is embarrassing to talk to a therapist but I got the the point when I went a few years ago that I was getting pissed off that I had to go there and tell the therapist my problems. It was like having to tell them my problems was doing nothing but reminding me I had them and how infuriating they were.
Seriously, what are they going to tell me? Be confident? Go out and try new activities? Assure me that lots of people are losers and can't get or keep women? A therapist can't get me attention from women, nor can a therapist get me a girlfriend which is the reason I'm irritated in the first place. All a therapist is going to do is treat the symptoms.

If your past experiences with therapists have led you to believe that therapy is about treating the symptoms, then either the therapists you've spoken to weren't the right ones for you, or they were just bad at their jobs. Therapy is all about getting to the "original causes" of current discomforts. If you didn't make any progress during the therapy, it's probably because you were too afraid of opening up too much (probably cause you thought it was too embarrassing and "emasculating"). A good therapist - or the right one for you at any rate - will be able to get past these obstacles and get you to explore yourself way deeper than you even thought possible. Try another therapist, definitely. How about a female? Maybe you won't find it as humiliating to speak to a woman about your current worries as it would be to another man.

If I had developed normal social skills and had some freaking common sense I might not have blown it with that girl. I still don't think anyone has been listening. This was the first time a girl showed any interest in me in like 2 or 3 years, and it is the only girl that has been truly attractive that has ever shown me interest. I'm not going to give up, but I'm [realistically] concerned that I won't meet anyone once I am out of college. If it wasn't for college I wouldn't ever see anyone.

This is depression/obsession talking.
You do not need a girl to be happy.

[Andariel]

Searock is absolutely right.

I appreciate you had a bad experience with a therapist. The thing is, when someone decides to see a therapist they need to be open and willing to cooperate with the therapist, otherwise it is not going to work. Therapy is not about treating sympotms. It is about identifying the root cause(s) of problems that cause the sympotms one is experiencing. You feel like you will never find a girl and that if you had one you would feel much happier. From your posts though, I see that you generally have trouble connecting with other people (please don't be offended if this is not the case, it is just my take based on the info in your posts). You say you don't really enjoy any activities although you've tried several ones.

These are all symptoms. Why do these symptoms demonstrate themselves though? There is an underlying cause that makes you feel/behave this way. This is the root of your problems and not the fact you don't have a girl in your life. This is why I said a therapist can help you. Working together you can get to the bottom of what it is that makes you feel this way. It could be something that has to do with your experiences growing up;perhaps a perceived (or real) a lack of love you may have felt as a child and all the insecuritiies that stem from those past experiences are now making your life difficult.

The key here is to accept you need help and to go into therapy ready to be honest and to cooperate with your therapist. There is nothing humiliating or wrong about seeking therapy. Quite the opposite: you would be responsible and brave enough to admit there is a problem and to seek help for it. If you had an illness that you tried to treat yourself and you saw that it wouldn't go away, you would go to your doctor to examine you and determine the best course of action, wouldn't you?It is the same thing with therapy: if you have an issue that keeps interfering with living your life the way you want to and you see that no matter how hard you try on your own you cannot overcome it, isn't absolutely normal to see a professional who is trained to help you figure the problem out and seek solutions for it? Emotional health is just as important as physical health and should not be neglected.

Why not give it another shot?

[richardwordoff]

"These are all symptoms. Why do these symptoms demonstrate themselves though? There is an underlying cause that makes you feel/behave this way. This is the root of your problems and not the fact you don't have a girl in your life. This is why I said a therapist can help you. Working together you can get to the bottom of what it is that makes you feel this way. It could be something that has to do with your experiences growing up;perhaps a perceived (or real) a lack of love you may have felt as a child and all the insecuritiies that stem from those past experiences are now making your life difficult." Uh, what? You don't have to have some negative experience to be pissed about not ever having had a woman at my age.

I don't like many activities because that is the sort of person I am. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with me.

"I appreciate you had a bad experience with a therapist. The thing is, when someone decides to see a therapist they need to be open and willing to cooperate with the therapist, otherwise it is not going to work." You're right, and that it why it is a waste of time. Male or female, telling them I'm pissed that I can't get a woman I find attractive is extremely embarrassing and emasculating. Just having to bring this up will re-piss me off if I happen to be in a good or decent mood when I go. I know this because when I used to go for other issues that is how I felt. The only thing in the end that helped me was just taking care of it myself.

[searock]

The fact that you have so much trouble dealing with the mere idea of getting therapy again is a sign that it had actually managed to strike a chord. You should definitely go back, either to the same therapist or to a new one (I suggest the latter). You wouldn't feel so bad about it if there wasn't a problem. There isn't necessarily something wrong with you, but (a) there might be, and in that case you definitely want to find out if you care to fix it, or (b) even if there isn't, it doesn't mean you don't have a problem, stemming from childhood or teenage years or negative past experience, or perhaps you're just in a negative period of your life and need help getting un-stuck. Cause now it seems to me like you're stuck in a place you don't want to be, yet you can't manage to get out of it by yourself. Why do you think therapy makes you feel so humiliated and emasculated? Do you rationally believe it to be humiliating and emasculating in general, or do you think it only applies to you, and if so, why?

If you want to fix your problems (and believe me, you have bigger problems than "not having a girl", otherwise you wouldn't be so obsessed to the point that your life seems to revolve around it), the first step to take is to realize and accept that they exist. You seem to be afraid of something: judgement, feelings themselves. You've probably suffered a lot in your past, and was made to believe that "real men don't cry" or stuff like that. I'm sure that once you manage to get over these sorts of old prejudices, getting help will be a lot easier, and proficient.

[richardwordoff]

It makes me angry to sit there, look someone in the eye and tell them that I've got problems I should be able to deal with myself, that or telling them something as humiliating as being completely and totally unsuccessful with women. If I was in therapy for alcoholism or drug addiction or uncontrollable anger or other stuff more serious then I probably wouldn't think it to be humiliating and emasculating.

What sort of "bigger" problems do you think I have? Look, I'm not a middle school or high school kid who is upset about not having a girlfriend. I'm a grown man who would be out of college right now if I hadn't switched what I was getting a degree in. I imagine that any other 23 year old male would be similarly pissed and obsessed if he had never had a girlfriend and/or never fooled around or even kissed a girl. Hell, just getting ONE girlfriend, even if I broke up with her or vice versa would probably fix my obsession about it. Also, how does it feel to see a bunch of your friends and guys you know not just having attractive girlfriends but getting freaking LAID? Just an example: a guy who I'm kind of friends with from high school is friends with me on facebook and he is a cook in this restaurant. I just saw a picture of his on facebook that has a good looking server from the restaurant and it looks 95% like he rolled over and took a picture of her smiling at him in bed with him. And I can't even get a single date?!

Afraid of judgment? Afraid of feelings? What are you talking about? No I haven't "suffered a lot" in the past. I've had my fair share of problems like everyone else but I've had a good life with good parents, grandparents, etc.

No, real men only cry over serious things, like the death of a friend, family member, or a good pet. They don't cry about not getting promoted or having a bad day or stuff like that.

[Andariel]

Ok, then.

I hope things work out for you. :-)

[searock]

Afraid of judgment? Afraid of feelings? What are you talking about? No I haven't "suffered a lot" in the past. I've had my fair share of problems like everyone else but I've had a good life with good parents, grandparents, etc.

This actually does not exclude the possibility that you have suffered a lot. Perhaps you didn't even know you were suffering, you thought it was just normal to feel like that. I'm just saying this because I know that it can happen. Anyway, only you can tell, of course.

No, real men only cry over serious things, like the death of a friend, family member, or a good pet. They don't cry about not getting promoted or having a bad day or stuff like that.

You're worse than I thought... I really hope you change your mind and somehow manage to get hold of the anger you feel when talking about your problems. You have no idea how much a good therapy could help you.

In any case, good luck in getting out of this bad moment in your life!

[richardwordoff]

Pray tell searock, what do you think men should be crying over that I did not cover? I don't know of any man who isn't a total wuss and is respected by other people that cries about things other than that. Gets mad, upset, sad, etc.? Sure. But cry?

I didn't know I was suffering? Uh, what? How is that possible?

And I still fail to see how it is unreasonable for me to be irritated when I get no attention from women but my friends and other guys I see my age have good looking women who are crazy about them. I get the impression you want me to just be pleasantly pleased with that, go around with a big goofy smile on my face all the time like nothing is wrong and stop being a rational realistic. Ever known someone who goes around trying to act happy and sees the best in everything when something clearly shitty has just happened to them? Example: "I heard you lost your job, your house and your family man, is there any way I can help?" "Nope, I'm doing good! I'm still healthy!" At a certain point the blind optimism is extremely irritating.

[IndiReloaded]

I am starting to believe that counseling could help you. You seem on your way to depression: you just keep crying over yourself, you don't see a way out, you think you are failing at life, etc. I mean it, it could really help.

This^. You are really insecure and have less reason than most to be so. You are really overthinking things. Thinking is good, important but not all things deserve this amount of mental effort.

The poster (sorry I forgot who) that said to stop resorting to facebook is spot on. Think of it as a growth experience: If you can't take risks in life related to girls (and sometimes fail, happens) how will you ever be successful in life in general?

[richardwordoff]

How am I insecure again?

Yes, screw facebook. For some reason I was under the [false] assumption that Facebook would not freak them out as much and would be a more casual way to make them comfortable with me.

I don't think you're paying attention. How do I not take risks with girls? I approach them, talk to them, ask them out, etc. I've asked about 6 out in the last 3 months and talked to many more.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL, how much attention do you think you deserve from me? You actually sound like an asshole. Maybe that's your problem, Dick. People can sense it and its unattractive.

Yes, you sound incredibly insecure. Just look at the volume and time spent in posting on this subject. Your defensive, ungracious responses despite the fact that noone here is under any obligation to help you.

Six girls in 3 months is nothing. You should be asking one a week, if only for practice. Anyway, I find you very small-minded. I think I'll post in another thread with the smarter people.

[richardwordoff]

I was just asking why discussing the subject makes me insecure, which you did not answer.

No, people don't sense me being an asshole because I'm usually not. I am actually a nice guy in real life when people don't tell me my problems are nothing to be concerned about. In fact, I often am too nice and have to work at not being a pushover. In fact, I think I've discovered something just now. I've tried to be nice and respectful to everyone for so many years and people have still treated me like shit. So now, it pisses me off and I'm starting to become an angry person.

I'm defensive and irritated about it because people keep telling me that it is either a) not a problem when it clearly is or b) that I have "major problems" and I need expensive BS therapy to make it better after I've already explained my reasons why it doesn't work. I don't believe I got defensive until people started doing either of those things. Yes, nobody is under any obligation to help, you're right. Some people actually did post helpful information initially such as "quit using facebook" and things like that and I'm appreciative of that.

Small-minded how? Just because I've been posting in this thread for a couple days doesn't mean I don't do anything else in real life.

[carl1222]

Many here are suggesting psychotherapy which is mainly pouring through your development and finding out what went wrong.

Your problems center around how you perceive yourself, and how that affects your behavior in a harmful way. What you probably need is a good dose of cognitive (how you think) behavioral (how you act) therapy. It's short term, and much less intrusive.

You think of rejection as a failure when it really isn't ... at least you are trying!

You need to overcome some deficiencies if you want to find a relationship:

1) Learn how to recognize that a particular women might be interested - get a book, ask a sucessful buddy or (best yet) ask one of your female friends.

2) Desensitize your anxiety by starting a conversation with two new girls a week with NO INTENTION OF TRYING TO ASK THEM OUT. Start with a simple "Hi, I'm Richard" followed by a comment about something that is going on around you. ex. "Hi, I'm Richard, wasn't class boring today?" If the conversation goes well, you can toss in a tame NON-SEXUAL compliment ... "I really like your shoes!" (girls love shoe compliments).

3) Learn how to convey your interest in (and flirt with) a girl. A successful buddy can tell you how to do this.

4) Remember, you have no investment in the outcome at this stage so if she just blows you off, it's HER rudeness, not your failing.

5) Also remember you have nothing to lose here ... don't overthink, don't overplan, don't lose your confidence, use humor (sparingly) ... if you are nervous, make it a humorous topic of conversation ... this may sound counterintuitive, but a comment like "I always get tongue-tied when I talk to a pretty woman" just might work. It's funny, NOT cocky and contains a very nice compliment!

There are many things you can do along these lines. The beauty is that you can just keep trying different things until something works.

[richardwordoff]

1) I do need to get a book or something because I don't have any successful buddies that I know well enough to ask and I don't have any female friends close enough to even entertain the idea of asking them.

2) I don't really have anxiety in talking to them. I talk to girls all the time, and many of them I don't ask out.

3) I usually just do that by trying to talk to them, ask them personal questions, make light jokes, etc. I don't know if that is enough or not because apparently some girls can't tell that I'm flirting with them and act surprised when I ask them out as if they had no clue. I guess I need a book for this too since I don't have a successful buddy.

There is so much garbage out there (books, internet advice, etc.) about how to flirt with a girl, know if a girl likes you, etc. that I don't know what is actually a good resource. I've heard so much about how this PUA stuff is BS and some of the stuff that has been suggested in things I've read is stuff I would feel like a jackass doing.
Anyone know of anything decent?