Just met this girl yesterday, how to proceed?

[richardwordoff]

I really don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I keep trying and trying things and while I'm talking to a new girl or out doing something I enjoy I'm happy and fine. Once I get rejected though it just throws me back down again. For the record I kind of am failing at life. Very few friends, no female attention, etc. Nobody seems to respect me for just being a good person even though I try pretty hard at that.

I've learned plenty of things. Don't facebook stalk girl's numbers. Don't freaking ask girls for facebook or emails, get their numbers. Don't ask out every single girl you talk to. Not every girl that has a conversation with you is interesting in you. Try complimenting girls with no intention of asking them out. Don't apologize about things, let them go and act like it never happened if I see that person again.

I've been trying new things. I signed up for a free eHarmony thing (even though I protested initially) and I didn't get any matches at all within 200 miles. Hell, I went to a bar for the first time ever and had a decent time (although in retrospect I think I might have blown an opportunity with a girl, I might see her around campus though since she takes classes in the same building). I can keep trying but like I've already said after trying and trying and trying for so long I'm just getting worn down, exhausted. In fact, taking a break from even trying to get a girlfriend for a long time a few years ago actually helped me out some because I wasn't constantly having rejections/screwups to throw me back down. And, like I've already said, having a girlfriend isn't the problem per se, it's that I'm almost out of college and haven't ever had one. Hell, some girl I knew tried to set me up with a girl a few months ago and even though I was on the edge about her being attractive I was going to give it a shot just because I never did that and I thought at the very least I could get this "I've never had a girlfriend this is pathetic" obstacle out of the way.

Am I just supposed to develop a "I don't give a shit" attitude so all these rejections and people blowing me off don't piss me off so bad? You all seem like competent intelligent people, can't you tell me what to do instead of having to see a therapist about it?

Also, I don't know why everyone is acting like I'm some mental case who is way too upset about not having a girl. I ended up hanging out with a friend of mine from high school last night and he brought the subject up and told me about how he hadn't had any success in like two years and how frustrated he was that all the time he spent on online dating sites amounted to nothing.

[smackie9]

smackie9: Well, I'll do that every now and then and see what seems to "work". Let me ask though, how well did you know the guy that gave you that compliment? Do you recommend doing it to women I'm not even attracted to for practice?.

Some were guys I had a dance with, total strangers walking through the bar, co-workers, guys that I know......it's a mixed bag., strangers in the grocery store, at the gas pump.....everywhere.

I recommend you practice on girls that don't intimidate you.

[smackie9]

OK so what really interests you? Do you read books about your interests? What activities do you like to do in your spare time? If you could, what activity would you like to try that you have never done before?

[surfhb]

Richard...this will cheer you up

[surfhb]

All I can tell you Richard is that Therapy did me a world of good and I had a worse opinion on it then you did. You really need to step up to the plate and get some help. Theres a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be changed with medication and therapy.....

[Rollingwithlife]

Considering just how long you've been going at it with little to no success, wouldn't you say it's time for a new approach to the matter? I might even venture a guess and say that you've been in this depression for quite some time now considering your overall lack of success. Maybe it all started when you were trying too hard to fit in, and it all snowballed down from there - the fact of the matter is, you were desperate even then. Why NOT try seeing a therapist in changing your outlook on life? While you might think it's emasculating, you'd be brave and responsible in realizing that you even have a problem, and then taking the necessary measures to get yourself out of this acute slump of yours. I think if anything, what's truly emasculating here is the denial you seem to currently be in and refusing to do the one thing that will most likely get you the results you want. So you've been trying with your Plan A for years now and it just hasn't seemed to be working up to this point - it's time for a Plan B.

On an additional note, even if we all are seemingly competent/intelligent people, we are not all therapists nor trained to be. We're doing what 'we' can to get you back on track and have you enjoying life for what it's worth. Again, you can only speculate what a good therapist can actually do for you until you see one and decide to open up to them.



Let me also add, the sooner you see a therapist the sooner you could be enjoying life again. Don't allow so much time to pass by before doing so, or you'll regret all the lost time afterwards when you realize it's just what you needed all along.

[Andariel]

Also, I don't know why everyone is acting like I'm some mental case who is way too upset about not having a girl. .

Nobody said you are a mental case. All users who posted on this thread have been trrying to give advice based on the information you provided. What you do with the advice is of course up to you. Don't get defensive, there is really no reason to. We're just trying to help. :-)

[richardwordoff]

Ok, so everyone keeps suggesting I do therapy... what exactly would I tell a therapist? I can't hand him/her all the posts from this thread and expect him/her to read all that stuff..

surfhb: I am already on medication for anxiety/depression, but for other reasons. It doesn't do everything though, I have to take the initiative to do things myself.

smackie9: I am really interested in weight lifting and slow pitch softball, but I have an injury that is going to keep me out of that for 6 months or more.I am also somewhat interested in computers. In my spare time (when I'm not hurt) I lift weights (I was actually considered doing a competition or two before I got hurt), play softball in the local league, play video games, watch movies. Sometimes I sit around and try to learn riffs from songs I like on my bass guitar. I started playing pool the other night at the bar and I think I'm gonna start playing that every now and then.

I can't think of any activities I'd like to try that I realistically could try. I guess I'd like to try a dirt bike or a jetski but I have no idea where I would be able to do that.

As far as complimenting women like you suggested "hey those shoes make you look sexy" it isn't necessarily that I'd care if they didn't show interest in me but that I'd come off as a pervert or douchebag and piss them off/make them really uncomfortable. I guess any time I don't ask a girl out when I should have given it a shot or try talking to a girl it is because I'm not sure if it will creep them out or not. I've certainly said things that have creeped girls out before..

[smackie9]

Well it seems you already have a list of what not to say, or how not to react....shouldn't be a problem now.

[MaidenMinx]

Why therapy has been suggested is because you seem to be developing some issues over this that a counsellor could help you with. Honestly it appears you are developing a now or never attitude and in my experience that is the single most detrimental attitude you can have to dating. A counsellor could help you develop ways to cope with rejection. A counsellor could also help you develop a more positive attitude in general. Honestly I don't know why you are on any mood altering medication without counselling.

Why can't we just give you the answers? I can't speak for everyone, but I'm personally not a trained counsellor / therapist. I like many others here am just a person with a little experience under my belt that would like to share some of that experience to help prevent people from making the same mistakes I made, and to rejoice in making some right choices. It would appear that your problem is outside our realms of experience.

We can't hear the tone of your voice or observe your body language so there is little more that can be said.

[Rollingwithlife]

Why would you need to copy all these posts for a therapist to see? I can't even begin to imagine how that would be relevant to getting a proper treatment. Look, just go see a therapist and do the best you can to answer his/her questions and be as open as you can about the details they'd like to know about you, then let them handle their job from there. If you have to worry about such things at all, do it AFTER you start seeking the help you need. There's really no point in worrying over potential harmless problems.

[richardwordoff]

I'm on medicine because I have physically manifested anxiety symptoms.

[IndiReloaded]

How long have you been taking these for? Are you a chronically anxious person? Sure seems like it to me.

I know people with extreme social anxiety who have benefited greatly from Toastmasters. There's a new idea for you and it doesn't involve therapy, nor pressure to impress girls. It will help you with your speaking/presenting ability tho, which will certainly improve your confidence.

[Andariel]

We are not in the same room with you so that we can have a proper discussion. This is all pure speculation based on your posts but obviously there has been no interaction between us so no one can actually tell you what the right approach would be to get yourself out of this negative way of thinking.

What seems to be the consensus though is that a) you are unhappy, b) you seem to have some difficulty in connecting with other people, c) you have a rather negative approach to things, d) you quite normally have repressed anger as a result of what you perceive as failures and e) you need to see a therapist to help you through this difficult time in your life.

You can try talking to your family instead about the problems you are experiencing. They know you and they could offer some helpful and insightful advice on what you could do. If you don't have a good relationship with your parents or feel uncomfortable talking to them about this then I really think a therapist is the answer to your questions.

[searock]

Honestly I don't know why you are on any mood altering medication without counselling.

Exactly.

You have "physical" symptoms of anxiety, you are unhappy and unsatisfied and think that it can only get worse no matter what you do, you sound entirely hopeless and yet you can't seem to accept that the problem is NOT external? Getting therapy takes braveness, believe me I know. But if you don't intend to spend the rest of your life like this or worse (cause the longer it lasts, the worst it is, as I'm sure you know), it's the only thing you can do, that can really work. So, stop finding excuses for once, and follow the advice that basically all the posters on this thread have given you. There's nothing to lose anyway, right? Stop wasting your time.